Lightning's Thoughts
On Anger Management
It was her greatest shield against the world, it was what she fell into when there was nowhere else to turn. At the same time, it was what kept her from others and what haunted her. Lightning felt that she shouldn't be trusted with a weapon. It was like a constant reminder that, in a seconds notice, she could simply not take it anymore.
It wasn't like she hadn't killed people before. That was her job and she had become numb to it. Humans can get used to anything, sad as it was. She was afraid she would do it again, taking a life in one of her bursts of anger that she couldn't control.
Lightning felt as if she were a ticking time bomb. Each time seemed to slip her closer and closer to finally losing it. People said she had anger management issues, but that wasn't it.
She was scared.
It started when she was young, as she watching her father sink into his grave. He was everything to her. He was her world.
Yet, it a second, he was gone. Not breathing, not living, not smiling and saying her name. Her fists clenched and her heart broke.
Nothing was forever. People were as fragile as the paper planes he used to fly with her. There was a limited amount of time in everyone's lives, and she would not let anything change what she had in hers.
It was a defense mechanism, not to protect her body, but her mind. It was to protect the frightened little girl she kept inside from the harsh reality of the world she knew.
At some point, that changed. Her mother died and Claire faded away, Lightning taking over. She had Serah, the only thing she had left, and she did anything and everything to keep her safe. The fear that became anger, fell back into a worse fear once the anger subsided.
It was constant, all the time. She became impatient, and quick to frustrate. Sometimes, she was just looking for an excuse. There was a fire in her eyes, a hatred for the world or her fate, and a plead for someone to help her, to save her.
Lightning couldn't count how many times she wanted to break down. She never rested, she was always moving. She couldn't do it on her own, she couldn't raise her sister, she couldn't help herself.
It was so much easier, it took less time, to take her desperation and feel it fill her veins with an uncontrollable anger. It was so much simpler to knock something over or knock someone out, then to actually face it.
In the aftermath, she thought of Serah. Serah, who looked up to her kind and gentle big sister. In the aftermath, she became scared of who she had become.
That cycle of anger, Lightning felt, began to rule her life. Serah rarely saw it, but she knew that her little sister knew what was hiding just under the surface. She was the only one who could calm her down, the only one who really understood.
It was the reason that she was so scared when Serah became a l'cie. With Serah, Lightning could be herself. She loved laughing with her, teasing her, and watching her grow. Serah was and will always be her sister as well as the best form of anger management with her simple smile.
A/N: Thanks for reading! :D