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You can feel his eyes on you. You don't know how, but you know it's him. It's always been him. That's the problem. You don't know when or how it happened and you wish to God that it will go away, but you feel something. Every time his eyes land on you, you start to smile. You try and force it away. Grimacing in the attempt, anything is better than acknowledging that after 3 years of harassment he's finally won you over. You don't want to give in. You keep telling yourself all the things you believed. The mantra you repeated every time someone questioned why. Why you rejected him at every turn. He's arrogant. A Bully. Immature. He shows off, acts like he's all that, messing up his hair, carrying that bloody snitch around, like he's Godric Gryffindor himself. Except, you're starting to believe it's confidence, not arrogant. He tutors first years. He's Head Boy, which means he must have grown up, surely? He's a good captain, a good leader. You're starting to believe that maybe, maybe he was never the person you thought he was.
You never used to be aware of the staring. Marlene used to point it out to you and laugh. You'd shrug it off; he must have glanced for a second when you saw. But you know that's not the case now. He sits for hours just staring; you're blushing whilst thinking about it. McGonagall catches you, and you realise you need to pay more attention. Transfiguration, although a subject you're good at, you do not particularly have a natural ability for. Your hand shoots up for her next question. You can feel the staring grow more intense. You wish he'd stop, it's off-putting. You wonder why he continues to stare. He's not made any other effort since this year. No big shows of affection, he's not asked you out once. You don't want to sound like it bothers you, but it does. You don't want to have lost your chance after so long.
You watch him too. Far more subtly than he ever has, a throwaway look now and again. When he's playing chess with Remus, or just sat in your shared common room. You have conversations, not just about Head meetings, but real conversations. About family and the future. You've even begun studying together once a week. You never would have believed that all those years ago. You take the opportunity to turn and glance at him. The man he's become, the man you never even dreamed of him becoming. You've startled him, you can tell. He immediately leans down, pretending to write, pretending like he's a regular note taken, when you know he's never written a single one for Transfiguration in his life. You share a smirk with Remus, and you can't help but smile when he gets punched. You're laughing on the inside, but don't show it, you don't want all your cards to be laid out at once. You can't let on.
You're afraid that once you start openly admitting these feelings, that's it. The end of your life. Because you know, once you've said yes, there's no going back. You're scared mostly. What if when he finally gets you, he decides the reality isn't nearly as good as the dream. The only thing that could hurt you most is having him break your heart. You know it's unfair, because you're sure you've broken his too many times to count, unintentionally, but he comes back fighting even stronger the next time. You don't want him to stop fighting. You're afraid if you finally say yes, finally let go, he'll stop. You wonder if this is how he felt, all these years. This confusing mess inside your head Is killing you. You sit there wishing for him, wondering if you'll ever get him. The girls would tell you to stop being stupid. You know you are. Where's all that Gryffindor courage gone now?
You don't want to make the first move though. You've hinted enough times, on patrol, in the library, even after he won the last Quidditch match. But not once has he responded the way you want him to. You never thought you'd find yourself praying for last year, when he'd take every opportunity he could. Perhaps it's for the best though. If he's finally moved on, you're happy for him. He seems to have finally taken to heart all your advice. He's grown up, and one day he'll make someone happy. You're used to getting left behind. Severus. Petunia. You thought he'd be the one constant you'd have, but you realise that notion was daft. Forever isn't one sided. You consider asking Sirius about him. Whether the feelings have changed along with the man. You shrug that off almost immediately, as much as you love Sirius, you can almost hear his laughter now.
You can feel him staring. He's always staring. And sometimes, just sometimes you stare back.