Chapter 19: Hesitations

"Emmett, why do you want me to get that much soap?" I asked, amused. Emmett had tagged along on my grocery run. I had more than enough money to buy all our groceries, so I did. Turns out, plenty of rich people get off on seeing a 'little girl' take down a mountain of a man. Emmett was currently standing next to me with a wide eyed puppy-dog look on his face. I wasn't buying it.

"No reason," he said, using his best innocent voice. I decided to let it go, as I would most likely find out soon.

"O-kay. If you say so." I couldn't keep the suspicious tone from my voice. Turning back to the fruits and vegetables, I tried to judge which would be the freshest.

"Hey, when are you gonna ask Rose out already?" I tried to go for nonchalant and probably missed it by a decently sized country.

"Wh-what?" Emmett asked in shock, dropping a few bars of soap.

"You know, Rose. Blonde, beautiful. Hangs out with us? Hopelessly in love with you?"

Emmett snorted. "Yeah, right. I just…haven't found the right moment yet. Besides, she probably doesn't want me to. She's perfect, and I'm just…me." That made my anger flare up.

"Now listen to me, Emmett McCarty. First of all, Rose really likes you. But you haven't asked her yet, and she's starting to think that she's not good enough for you. You know what happened to her, she still feels a little like damaged goods, and you're making her feel more like that. I don't think that's what you want. So you better get over yourself and just ask her already, because I can't bear to see her feeling like that because of some delusion that you have about you not being good enough for her. Second of all, you better stop getting her hopes up by hinting that you like her like that and not doing anything about it, because God help me Em, even though you're like a brother to me, I will hurt you." And with that, I snatched up a head of lettuce and walked away, leaving him standing dumbstruck in the middle of the aisle. Mouth hanging open, and all that jazz.

I had to fight back a smile.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Destiny~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I walked downstairs calmly, taking a bite out of my apple and humming to myself. I had just finished putting the groceries away, and had decided to get some homework done. I heard what sounded like Emmett and Edward having a conversation. I stopped just out of sight and listened in.

It sounded like Emmett was discussing what I had said to him at the grocery store. It was a little muffled but I could tell what they were saying if I leaned up against the wall.

"I'm telling you, man, she just about chewed my head off! She was worse than Nonna can be. But in a good way, because she was right. I need to get my head out of my ass and ask Rose out already. I can't believe it's already been this long and I haven't yet."

"I know what you mean. I really like Alice. And I haven't really liked anyone before, but Alice…she's just so…you know. I just don't want to ruin our friendship if she doesn't feel that way about me." Stupid boys. Couldn't they tell that Rose and Alice felt the same?

"So what should we do?" That seemed to stump them both. Rolling my eyes, I stepped into view.

"That's easy. You two should just man up and ask them, already." I took another bite of my apple, trying not to laugh. They looked like they had just been caught sexually harassing an alpaca. While dressed like ice cream cones.

They seemed frozen. Huh. I went over and poked Edward. Still no reaction. Shrugging, I took off for my room, humming some annoyingly catchy song I'd picked up from who knows where.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Destiny~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Jasper, I'm bored," I complained, hanging upside down on his bed. Halfway to my room I had decided to go to Jasper's instead.

He chuckled to himself. "What do you wan' me to do about it?"

"I dunno. What are you reading?" I was trying to distract myself from the fact that Jasper had just taken a shower, and his hair was still all wet. Because then I'd start thinking about him in a towel. Or in the shower. And that would lead to me drooling all over his bed. Or, technically my bed, but still.

"Civil War book," he replied, turning a page. I didn't know he was a history buff. Huh.

"So, you for the North or the South?" I asked, attempting to make conversation.

"Ah, I'm more in it for the strategy. Although I have to say the South, if I had to pick. I was born in Texas, you know."

"Yeah. You know I was born in Georgia, so I guess I'd have to choose the same."

"Georgia, really?"

"Really. Though only until my dad died. Charlie. Then my mom moved us to Arizona, which I guess is still better than Forks, Washington. Why's it always so damned rainy? Is God pissing on this town, or what?" That earned me another chuckle from Jasper.

"Oh, I don' know 'bout that, darlin'." Ohh, Jasper with accent is sexy. That accent did things to me that should be illegal. And that drawl. Mmmm. Okay, did Emmett spike my breakfast?

"Mmm, I think so, cowboy. There ain't no question abou' it, God is pissin' on this lil' ol' town." My own accent wasn't quite as thick as his, as I had moved away when I was still young. I found out that deliberately trying to thicken it did not work very well. Jasper smirked. I guess he found that out too. Do not comment, I willed silently.

"Cowboy, huh?" Good boy.

"Well, it's either that or Tex." Jasper just kept right on smirking that knowing smirk. Why does this guy have to be this sexy? Even when he's being an ass…And why am I mentally using the word smirk so much? Hey, 'smirk' kind of sounds like 'smurf'. Maybe that's why.

Or maybe I really am high. Probably the latter. Heh. Latter sounds like ladder.

I really need to be checked out by the men in white coats. Maybe take a visit to the crazy farm.

"Emmett, I know you're out there," Jasper and I called at the same time. This sent me into a hysterical fit of giggles for some reason. Giggles. Wow. Maybe kissing Jasper had made me lose a few nuts and bolts up there. I'd gladly lose a few more though, if I got to kiss him again.

Fangirl much, Izzy?

Oh look, now the voices are back.

Voices? So there's more than one of me? I feel so upset. No other voice can ever be as awesome as I am.

Sure.

You know it's true.

All I know is that there's this really annoying voice in my head.

Really? You might want to have that checked out.

Hardy har har.

"That's just creepy," Emmett muttered, opening the door and sticking his head in. "I was just trying to figure out whether or not to open this door and run the risk of seeing you two in a…compromising position." He was grinning that wide Emmett-grin the entire time.

"Why were you looking for us?" I asked, completely ignoring his comment.

"Just to warn you to walk carefully when you're in school tomorrow. And tell the rest that, will you? I'll be going…out." With that, he disappeared, still wearing that shit-eating grin.

"What do ya think that's about?" I wondered aloud. Jasper just shrugged.

"I guess we'll find out tomorrow."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Destiny~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Emmett? You soaped the school floor?" I asked incredulously. He just smirked and nodded. Smug asshole.

I had to admit, the results were pretty funny. Seeing all the teachers slip and fall was just priceless. The word got around to the students pretty quickly to walk carefully, so there weren't many slips there. But apparently the word hadn't gone around to Lauren and her…posse. As soon as she set one impractically-tall pink high heel inside the school, she was desperately trying to clutch anything to stop her fall. On her windmill-armed fall downwards, she had managed to accidentally pull Mike's pants down. Which was just an added bonus. But really, it was a beautiful fall, like something out of a comedy. And then Mike standing there, dumbstruck, eyes wide and pants less. It turned out he was a tighty-whitey kind of guy. As hilarious as it was, that pair of underwear was just a little too tight, and we were all scarred for life by the sight of his…thing. I didn't think it could even be considered a dick. It was that horrible. Seriously, it was like one of those tiny sausages wrapped in cheese cloth. I shuddered just thinking about it. And not the good kind of shudders, either.

We were in second period, a class I shared with Emmett. We never really paid attention in class, we usually just talked to each other. The teacher was an elderly man, a little hard of hearing, so he usually just lectured on and on. It turned out Emmett was used to just reading the textbook to himself and learning that way, since he usually had skipped class in favor of earning some money doing odd jobs around town. He usually learned on his own, and then just showed up for tests, knowing what day they were on through a few students in his classes.

Emmett, not being in attendance very often, didn't know a lot of kids, just the few that told him about tests. So, even though he was the only one, besides Rose that wasn't new at this school, a lot of people though he was anyway. He had only started attending school regularly this year, because he had finally saved enough money that he didn't have to go out and work for a while, and also since we were all at school, he had no reason not to.

"Well, I told you I was going to pull a prank, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but how did you even get enough time to soap the entire school floor?"

"Oh, I can work very efficiently when I want to."

"Sure. And I'm to believe you had absolutely no help whatsoever?" He just winked at me and pretended to concentrate on the lecture. After seeing that he wasn't going to be talking to me soon, I sighed and went through the time I'd been here in my mind.

I decided that I definitely liked who I was with my friends. I was a little less jaded, a little less tense, a little more carefree. I joked more, laughed more, smiled more. I smoked less, drank less, fought less. It was a nice change.

Then I thought about Jasper. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. That little section of my brain that had been oh so aware of him ever since I first saw him in the parking lot had grown quite a lot. I'd only known him a few months, hell, I'd only known any of them a few months, but it felt like I had always known them. I thought about how I loved the way he spoke to and treated me, like I am his equal in every way. I thought about how I loved the way he would comfort me, but never coddled. I thought about the way I loved all his little quirks and mannerisms, and that he trusted me to know everything about his past. I thought about him. I thought about our kiss. It had been as if everything around me was fading away, and yet I had been so ultra-aware of everything at the same time.

Playing the part of the lovestruck sap, now, huh?

Oh you know that you love Jasper too.

….

What?

…you said 'love'.

Shit! I did! But, you know, I meant it like a friend. I love Jasper the friend, and I like Jasper the…significant other?

Suuuuure. Strongest case of denial I've ever seen.

Oh, just shut up.

Ooookayyyy…

Hmm. I definitely had to get my sanity checked out.

Due to all my thinking, I had apparently missed the bell ringing. I got up quickly, scooping up all my books and shit. Making my way out the door, I was stopped by none other than the STD-stick herself, Lauren. That's right, sadly, she was not suspended forever.

"Where do you think you're going, bitch?" She was far from my biggest problem, and frankly, I was getting a little tired of her.

"To class. You know, where you sit in a room with a bunch of other kids and a teacher?" Okay, maybe I was tired of her shit, but I couldn't help my snarkiness. It was my natural defense against stupid people.

She just stared at me blankly for a second, before obviously coming to the conclusion that I was, indeed, insulting her. She contorted her face (even more than it was already) into a sneer, and spat, "Go to hell."

Smiling innocently, I said in a sugary-sweet voice, "Oh, I'm already going there. Now I'm just trying to get a good spot."

I then swerved around her and her "posse", leaving her standing in the doorway. Idiots.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Destiny~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The dreams were coming more and more often.

They keep whispering. Ever since I decimated that army, They had been whispering. Whispers of me being the next Major. Whispers of fear, awe, and anger. I am getting sick of their whispers. With us being what we are, do they really think I can't hear them? Although sometimes They want me to overhear them. Those are the ones that are jealous, and a little scared, but cover it up with hate and anger. And it hasn't even been a full day. I know because the battle was in the morning, and it is nighttime now. The sun hasn't come back up. The sun setting and rising is basically the only way I can keep track of time now. The Others don't really care. All they care about is blood and sex.

Apparently loki spilled the secret of my gift, because she had used it to render some of the other side's Newbies immobile while she dealt with the others. I'm just glad that She, Maria, hasn't confronted me about it yet. The Major knew, They suspected, but She hasn't found out yet. Otherwise she would "train" me with it. I don't know why the Major hasn't told her yet. I just know that I am grateful. The last Newbie that had a gift was separated for a while and came back with a lot more scars. Rumor was that he had been tortured and blood had been withheld from him until he showed Her the full extent of his power. Then his power was deemed useless, and he was culled extra early. The Major was the first Gifted Newbie, and he had apparently gone through more. I felt a little sad at that, but I didn't know why.

I didn't really know much of the why when it came to the Major.

Speak of the devil. He is now standing at the flap of our giant tent, the guards at his side. His face is hard and calculating, an expression seems to wear often. We make eye contact, and I narrow my eyes, refusing to look away first. We don't need to blink, so I don't know exactly what I will accomplish of this. Without breaking eye contact, he turns and speaks to the guard to his right, and the guard comes over and grabs my arm. I realize that the Major probably wants to talk about my…performance in the battle. A small curl of dread settles in the pit of my stomach, but I quickly quash that. He's an empath. I can't show him any weakness in my emotions. He and the guards are bringing me to his private tent. He instructs the guards to leave, and they back out of the tent, eyes on the ground. Subservient, fearful. I scoff in my head. If he wants me to act like that, he has another thing coming, because I won't. They are pathetic. He looks slightly disgusted as well, before smoothing his face into the cold mask again.

"So, I hear that you did well in battle." His voice is also cold and emotionless. Detached.

I nod, not really sure of what to do.

"And your gift. You used it." I again nod, although it seems like he doesn't need conformation. He already knows, he's just stating the facts.

"That's not very wise. If Maria finds out, you will come into harm." Into his voice leaks a little emotion. He clears his throat unnecessarily, not meeting my eyes. I am confused. Is that a chink in his armor I see? Concern I hear in his voice, just briefly? Why would he be concerned about me?

"I know. I didn't mean to." This does not seem like the right thing to say. He abruptly turns towards me and pins me against a tent pole.

"You didn't mean to? You have put yourself on a path to pain and torture, and all you can say is that you didn't mean to?" He is snarling in my face, but I discover that even though his face is contorted in anger, there is worry deep in his eyes. I do not respond to him, instead focusing on that worry, concern, anguish buried in his eyes, dark with rage.

"Why do you care?" I ask, genuinely curious, and he lets me go as if I have burned him. He has gone back to avoiding eye contact. I might be imagining it, but I hear what sounds like 'I don't know' mumbled under his breath. It sounds tortured, and I want to comfort him. He must have felt that with his gift, because he meets my eyes briefly, his face showing shock and confusion, before he schools it back into the mask he wears. He takes a deep, unnecessary breath, before looking into my eyes..

"Just be careful from now on, okay?" his voice isn't cold now, it's softer than I've ever heard it before, gruff with emotion. His eyes plead with me, and I nod. He swallows, and averts his eyes again, and when he looks back at me, his voice is back to cold and detached. "You may go now. The guards are on their way back to escort you back to your tent." He is looking at me, but his eyes are slightly unfocused, and it looks more like he is staring throughme. I nod again, to myself, and quietly leave the tent. The space in the tent is limited, and I accidentally brushing against him as I leave. As I do, we both inhale sharply. I desperately want keep touching him, because when I do, I feel as if I am home again, safe. That feeling is something I haven't felt in a long time, even before I woke to this life. I couldn't remember much of my previous life, but I knew that I hadn't felt like that for a while. I squash those emotions and thoughts, continuing my path towards the tent flap. The hesitation was only a brief millisecond, but to our kind, that was enough.

My fingers twitch as if to reach out to him. But I don't. I go back to the tent I share with the Others, back to my place, where I can see everyone around me, and I can observe them, observe the possible threats. But the memory of his touch lingers in my hands, and I hate it. But I can't bring myself to ever hate him.

The dream lingered in my mind, but another dream took its place. I'd never had two of these dreams in a row before. Usually it was just one and then I was back to my normal, dreamless sleep.

I am in a battle again, this time the Major is here too. The army we face is bigger than ours. I am a little nervous, but I know what I have to do. It worked before, it can work again. I tell loki that her name and Loki's are too alike. She smirks and asks me what I want to call her. I think for a second, before a name pops into my head, much like it did before.Skydd, or 'protection'seems appropriate. She thinks for a second, before purring in agreement. Skydd does have a certain ring about it.

I don't know why I chose the Swedish word for protection. Is she protecting me? Or others from Loki? Because I know letting Loki be free would be a bad idea…

Shaking off those thoughts, I let Skydd begin growing to fill my body, but making her go slowly so that I could keep a larger space for myself, to make sure that she didn't use my gift again. She was more instinctual, so of course she would want to use my gift. But I had promised the Major…

I couldn't keep from glancing at him. He seemed to be doing much the same thing that I was. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and when he opens them, they are a solid black, and he pulls his lips back, baring his teeth and snarls softly. His entire body is straining forward, and he looks like a an attack dog on a taut rope, and it wasn't going to hold up much longer. For some reason that set off a wave of anticipation in me, and Skydd stretched, swinging her tail back and forth slowly. I took a deep unnecessary breath, and faced the oncoming rush of Newbies, a sadistic smile on my face.

With Skydd controlling most of my body, I am free to sit back and watch, to think. I briefly think that I should be terrified, horrified. But I'm not. I feel nothing but a cruel sense of pleasure and our version of an adrenaline rush. I realize that the Others are in their one on one matches, some two on one. I am currently beheading an enemy Newbie while four more are trying to attack me. I realize that the Others are instinctually giving me a wide birth. I realize that they are being wise, because if they came too close to me, enemy or not, I would destroy them. I realize that this doesn't bother me at all. I realize that the Major is at my back, destroying those that try to ambush me from behind. Now why would he…be helping me? Would it have something to do with that odd worry back in the tent? I paused in my tearing apart of the Newbie in front of me, for just a fraction of a millisecond. Skydd hissed at me.

No…he probably didn't mean to. He's most likely just helping me because he is a force to be reckoned with, and we are both at the front of the charging Newbies. He's most likely defending my gift. For Her. Maria. For some reason, I felt a deep feeling of sorrow and disappointment. I took a deep breath, pushed those feeling aside, and continued ripping the Newbie apart.

AN/: Yeah, I figured that loki and Loki were too easily confused…sorry if Skydd seems too weird. Also sorry if you know Swedish and I utterly butchered that. I used Google translate, but I know that it can get all weird…so, yeah.