Chapter 20: Dead as a Doornail

Jasper POV

My life, one big mess of violence, bloodshed, and fear, seemed duller by the second. The emotions were definitely taking their toll on me. All the pain, horror, fear, despair. No matter how invincible I may seem, even I have my breaking point. And I was getting painfully close to that line drawn in the sand.

It was much easier to let the Major take control. I used to only let him out during battles, but lately I had been almost constantly in Major mode. The truth was, he was the only reason that I hadn't just lost on purpose, and ended my life. He did quite well in this environment. I, however, do not.

But then I saw her. I knew instantly that she was mine, my mate, after all these years. But I just can't bring myself to admit it out loud, to myself, or to her. The only person I have ever been close to in this life was Peter. And he left. I always did hold a grudge, no matter how hard I tried to stop, to understand his reasoning. Now I do understand, because I understand why he felt so strongly about Charlotte. Having a mate is something one can't understand until they've experienced it for themselves. I knew the power of the feelings, having experienced it second hand, but I had never felt them myself.

She was amazing on the battlefield, she had a great set of instincts. She was more in control than the other Newbies, but she, too, had another side. And the Major definitely approved.

It's hard to keep the God of War behind the wall I've built to reign him in, even the Major has been having trouble. But no matter how much all three of us want nothing more than to throw her down and claim her in front of everybody, so that they all know not to touch her, we can't. Maria disapproves of mates in her army, and she would try her best to kill her if she found out. And while I have no doubt that I would stop her, the timing is not right yet. She knows and I know that she's only the first in command because of me, because I let her be. Most Newbies can only be controlled by fear, and they only fear her because they fear me, and they see that I consider her to be my commander, although that is far from the truth.

If Peter ran, he must have been running towards something, not just away. He is smarter than that. He'd told me that it was different up North, none of this. Now that I had found my mate, I was considering the possibility. I had dismissed it immediately in the past, because hope was a luxury I could not afford, but now, now I actually considering it. He had a gift of just knowing shit, and he had never steered me wrong before. I have begun to plan for an escape, for both me and my mate.

Although first I would have to fully accept it. And learn her name. That is definitely important. I can't just keep on referring to her by a title I won't even admit is hers. Even though I knew it, I just wouldn't admit it to myself. By some degree, I was raised by Maria, and her views on mating as a weakness had sunk in, no matter how hard I tried to make myself unlike her.

So I had tried to keep my defenses up, be the Major even though it was hard to keep up around her, what with both me and the God of War trying to reveal ourselves to our mate instinctively. Until the latest battle, the one that she had been in. I was busy taking care of another group of the enemy, but I had been distracted, worrying for her safety. I knew she could take care of herself, but I couldn't help it.

I had been relieved, and even a little proud when I heard of how well she did, but then I realized that now that the Others had witnessed her gift, someone would leak it to Maria. And then Maria would do what she had done to me in an effort to make her be able to "control her gift". I had never quite recovered from what she had put me through, and I definitely didn't want my mate to suffer that. So, in an emotion-fueled decision, something I hadn't made since I let Peter and his mate go, I had asked her to be more careful, to be safe. And I had shown myself to her, if only in fits and bursts, in the gaps between the Major.

So that brings me to now, me surrounded by the keening sound of Newbies being ripped apart, many by my hands, while I am protecting her. My renewed reason for existence. My hope.

The Major agrees with me, yet is a little pissed that I am sounding so mushy. He is right. I am sounding mushy. And angsty, and pussy-ish.

I am, as always, distracted by her, but this time, it makes me make a fatal mistake. I didn't notice fresh wave of enemy Newbies running towards us. I quickly calculate the odds, and I realize that we have sustained many casualties. Thanks to Maria's ever changing whim, the Newbies weren't ready, and they fell like flies. I grit my teeth and snarl. This is certainly annoying.

Using my gift, I knock out all the Newbies within a two-mile radius, save my mate. I don't have time to dispose of them right now, but I throw as many in the fire as I can before those that were farther away reach us. I can tell which ones were within five miles, because they are really affected, though not enough to make them unconscious, or rather, unresponding.

My mate, in about the same state I am, lets out a feral sound, before a giant bubble of pulsating energy expands rapidly, throwing several of the enemy into the trees. It stops at the edge of the clearing, and I am in awe of her ability.

Since I have been in this existence for longer, the Major and I are more meshed together. I am still in control, but in a different mindset, and well, different overall. I can have this inner monologue running through my head, yet the Major is busy tossing limp bodies into the now roaring fire. The purple smoke is a warning to other vampires not to come near. The enemy is hesitant, stopping about a foot away from my mate's shield, if it can be called that. One reaches out and touches it and my mate growls as the bubble thickens. I growl with her, and stay tensed and ready to fight. I feel my mate ghosting slowly closer, and I feel a small hand on my back. I calm ever so slightly, but still eye the enemy warily. Especially the Newbie that angered my mate.

The hand on my back disappears, but three fingers touch my arm discreetly. One disappears, then another. By the time the last one is retracted, I am already darting forward towards front line of these enemy Newbies. A red haze tints my vision, and the God of War is breaking down the wall. My mate at my side, we decimate the enemy, the one that touched my mate's shield is thrown into the fire first. The Newbies lucky enough to be at the back are turning against their commanders' orders, fleeing from certain death on instinct. A large pulsating wall stops them and by the time they find the edge, it is too late.

I stand surrounded by spilled venom and torn limbs, and take a deep, still ready for any oncoming attack. I know that there isn't one, the enemy is all dead. Still, I am in a protective stance, shielding my mate from the nonexistent threat. I try to keep the God of War behind his wall, but it is a difficult task.

A soothing purr sounds next to my ear, slightly breathy and seductive, and so feminine and right that I know it belongs to my perfect match. My mate's tongue makes an appearance at the base of my neck, and I close my eyes as my body relaxes, and try not to shudder. The urge to mate with her and mark her is strong, but ironically the only thing keeping me back is her. Not wanting any harm to come to her is a strong instinct too.

I know what she is doing. She is making sure I am relatively unharmed. I turn and check her over visually for open wounds, finding a few healing bite marks and scratches, but nothing too horrible. I still feel anger and thirst for revenge build up in my system, before I squash it. They are already dead. Twice dead, in fact. It's not like I can kill them again.

I run my hands over her body, just to make sure there aren't any injuries I missed. She is good. That much is true. She didn't let anybody get to her for long, if at all.

I find an open bite mark on her wrist, and I coat it with my venom to heal it. She hisses slightly, but it quickly turns into purring. I feel rather than hear her purr, and the answering one rising in my chest. I don't know where the few survivors on our side are, but they're nowhere near here. That's good, because this is definitely mate behavior. I am still fighting the urge to claim her right there, but it's not as powerful as the urge to just whisk her away where she will never be hurt again. That plan to find a way out has to be put in motion soon, or I might just explode, especially if this kind of threat is ever put on her life again.

Looking into her eyes, still physically moving almost purely on instinct, I make her a promise. I will protect you.

I woke up with a start. Was this what Izzy and Rose were talking about? Those weird dreams? But why would they start all of a sudden in me? And what was with that dream, anyway? I had to admit Izzy intruding in my dreams was not uncommon, but this seemed really out of the ordinary. With a groan, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Too weird.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Destiny~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Izzy POV

He looks into my eyes, and everything feels right. Even after what had happened, even through all the confusion I have, I feel safe.

Whoa. That dream probably ranked up there with the top ten weirdest of all time. And that's counting the first one. My mind buzzing with unanswered questions and general confusion, I get up to get a glass of water. I make my way upstairs but stop when I hear the sink running. Alert now, I reach slowly for the knife I have inside a nearby curtain, and inch towards the kitchen. When I see that it's just Jasper, standing there in a t-shirt and his boxers, I sigh and slip the knife inside the waistband of my sleep shorts. Without looking back, he starts speaking.

"You know those dreams you say you've been having? Way creepier in person."

I lean up against a wall and think about that. What, so the dreams just randomly decided to go to him too tonight? Like, 'Oh, I feel like a change. How about we go infiltrate the brain of that blonde guy there? Seems like fun!'?

"Yeah, it was something about battling these superhuman 'Newbies', and you were there, and we had some sort of weird mutant powers or something. I think I'm going insane."

"I don't. Well, I thought I was going insane too, but…then again if I was right, then I wouldn't think you were going insane, would I? Anyway, I had the same dream, I think. But the weird thing was that we…purred, or something at each other…and I think I licked you." He turned around and gave me a weird look. Okay, maybe I disclosed a little too much information there, and he had a completely different dream, and now thinks I'm a creeper.

"Yeah. That was weird. I didn't really get that." Whew. Crisis averted.

"Hey, maybe we should find out if Rose's dreams are about licking random people. Maybe that would shed some light."

"Hm. That's a good idea. Well now we know what we're gonna do tomorrow." He just leaned against the sink, sipping water. Which reminded me of the reason I got up. I walked over, reaching over him to get to the cups from the cabinet, and got myself a cup of H2O. I felt a hand on my ass, and whirled around. Jasper was standing there, a sheepish grin on his face. I fought the urge to laugh at his expression at being caught. I decided to toy with him a little.

"Well, well, well. Jasper. It seems as though you're a naughty boy," I said in my most seductive voice, trailing a finger down his chest. His hooded eyes followed it as it made a slow, torturous descent down his abs and hooked onto the elastic waistband of his boxers. His breathing was heavy, and I pulled the elastic towards me, before letting it go so that it snapped back in place. Unable to hold back the giggles, I stood on my tip-toes to peck him on the lips, and took a step back.

"It looks like you have a not-so-little problem there, cowboy." I gave him a wink, still giggling slightly, and took my water back to my room. On the way, I could only think about why Jasper had started sharing these weird dreams all of a sudden.

I was about to open the door to my room when all of a sudden I started feeling really dizzy. I heard Jasper come down the stairs, just as my vision started getting all fuzzy.

"Jasper…I feel…really weird…" was all I managed to call out before black spots started dancing in my eyes, and I passed out.

This dream was different. I was an onlooker, not an actual person, or thing, in it. I was in a run-down room, the plaster peeling off of the walls, the fake wood flooring shabby at best. There was no furniture, nothing in the room except a man, lying on the floor, with empty bottles of liquor surrounding him. I stepped closer, I gasped in shock. It was Jasper. And not Major Jasper, either, just Jasper. But he did look a bit older, maybe twenty-eight. It looked like he was passed out, with his cell phone held against his heart. In his other hand was a newspaper. From the look of it, a few days old. I stepped carefully around… Jasper to get a closer look. What? The main story was of a murder…my murder. It said that I had been shot as I was leaving a book store, when I tried to protect the owner from getting robbed. I could have made it, but since it was a small book store, in an area with close to no foot traffic, I bled out before the police could be notified. Well then. Apparently I'm going to be dead in this dream.

I heard a soft whooshing sound and then a gasp, that sounded remarkably like mine. Looking around the room, I saw something that should have completely freaked me out. It was me. Well, a slightly-older looking me, more mature and with shorter hair. Also, she was all pale and transparent, with a bullet hole in her side. That too. She-I mean me-I mean-you know what, I'm just gonna call her ghost-me. Ghost me made her way over to the unconscious Jasper, and knelt down by his head. She laid a hand on his cheek, and I swear I heard a sob.

"I'm so sorry." I was pretty certain that Jasper couldn't hear Ghost-me, but a small smile played across his face, before he snuggled closer to her.

"Not your fault," he mumbled in his sleep. Ghost-me smiled, and caressed his face one last time before whispering goodbye and disappearing.

Jasper woke with a start. He gasped for breath like a drowning man just pulled out of water. He looked a mess. His hair was more tousled than usual, his eyes were bloodshot, and his clothes looked like he had been wearing them for days. I hated seeing him like that. He rubbed his eyes and looked around him, before putting his head in his hands with a groan. He flopped back down, and stared up at the ceiling. I was just about to go and comfort him, when all of a sudden the door burst open.

A man that looked like he could be Jasper's brother, just a bit shorter and stockier with shorter hair and slightly different features rushed in.

"Jasper?" He almost seemed hesitant while approaching, like he was afraid to startle him. He stepped into the early morning light shining through the one grubby window. His skin lit up like a crystal, the sun bouncing off of it and highlighting his scars.

"It hurts, Peter." Jasper's voice, hoarse and utterly broken sounding did some severe damage on my heart.

"What does? Did you manage to hurt yourself? Should I take you to the hospital?" Jasper lifted a hand and signaled that he was fine.

"Not that," he croaked. He gestured towards the fallen newspaper, and scrubbed at his face.

"Oh. Jasper…" Peter seemed at a loss for words.

"Don't."

"But you know she wouldn't have wanted you to-" Peter was then cut off by an increasingly irritated Jasper.

"I KNOW! I KNOW THAT PETER! I just…I can't do this without her." Peter looked at his feet, away from Jasper, who was now pacing the room, looking like he was going to tear his hair out if he pulled any harder. The scene started flickering, before the warmth was peeled away like a filter.

Jasper too shone in the light, his scars more numerous than Peter's. The newspaper was gone, the liquor bottles were gone, and in their place was a giant fire, but I knew I was still dead. That was probably my dream showing me that information. But then how had I really died?

"I know, okay Jasper? I know that too." This only seemed to set him off further.

"Did you? Did you really? Because I don't think so. You know, in the end, it doesn't really matter, does it? Everyone ends up alone, in the end. And you know what? If you're my brother, where were you? HUH? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I-WHEN SHE-when everything fell apart? Where were you when I just needed a call? You weren't there. You didn't have to watch her-why did you have to wait?" His voice broke, something I didn't know could happen to his kind.

"I wasn't there. And I know that. I really do. I found you too late. I-"

"Damn right you did. And I know that you couldn't help it, I know it isn't your fault, it's just-why, Peter? Why? She was the only one who knew me. Well not the only one to know me, but the only one who really…you know what I mean, right? I just…losing her. Back there…I didn't know how long she'd be next to me, but I thought it was forever, heaven on earth, just because I was with her, and…I just… I can't do this anymore, Peter." He sounded so…lost…so hopeless.

"I might not know, Jasper, but I get it. Just to think…without Charlotte I…but you know she would've wanted you to keep on going, to be happy." Peter was trying his best to help, but Jasper was too far gone. I could truly see that he was just a little late.

"I know, Peter. Brothers, right? Just…I need to be on my own. Please. Tell Charlotte that even though I don't know her that well, she's like my sister. She's good for you. But…as your brother, I'm begging you. Please. Go." Jasper was hanging onto his sanity by a thread, and I could tell Peter could see it too.

"All right. Just…we love you, okay man? Me and Charlotte both. You'll always be family, okay?" Jasper looked Peter in the eye for moment, and nodded. Peter reluctantly headed out the door, leaving Jasper standing in the middle of the room.

Jasper stared at the wall. Actually it was more like he was staring through the wall, to something far, far in the distance. His expression was haunted and tortured, as if reliving the worst moments of his life over and over again.

"I failed you. I'm so sorry." It was barely a whisper.

He folded in on himself, and ended up sitting on the floor with his head resting on his knees, his hands fisted in his hair, and shaking. He yelled out in agony, and released his emotions with a powerful burst. I hoped that he was as far away from civilization as it seemed, because his feelings…were just so strong. They passed right through me, as I wasn't really there, but all the same, the room was filled in a haze as I tried to deal with them. I didn't know how he could stand it.

And then his words made a little more sense to me. He had said he couldn't do this anymore. Through the haze I saw him get up, close his eyes and walk calmly towards the fire.

No.

He stopped just in front of it, the flames reaching towards him, surrounding him, as if to embrace him into the warm arms of death.

You can still turn back.

With one long, shivering breath, he stepped forward into the fire. "I'm coming, Isabella."

No. Please. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see it. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing openly for the first time in a long time.

Mercifully, the dream cut to black. One last glimpse of purple smoke, and I woke up.

"Izzy. Izzy, come on. Wake up. Come on. Come back to me, Izzy. Look, I'm sorry about feeling you up. Don't be mad. Come back to me." Jasper? But Jasper…Jasper was gone.

"Gone? What? No. I'm here. I'm here Izzy, come back to me." I said that out loud? No, I saw him…into the fire…right? I was slowly coming to, I could feel warm hands on my face…and carpet under me. Dirty blonde hair. And those eyes. Jasper's eyes. Jasper. Jasper's here. He's alright. It was a dream, in the past.

"Jasper. Oh, god, you're alright. You're alright." I let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding. My vision cleared, and I immediately recognized the surroundings. Basement, right in front of my room. Jasper's concerned face loomed in my vision, eyebrows knit, forehead drawn, and everything.

Seeing my eyes open, he visibly relaxed. Pulling me into a hug, he stroked my hair softly. "I thought something really bad had happened to you. Don't do that to me again." I nodded.

"Jasper it was…just like it was one of those dreams…too real. You…fire…Fuck, I'm so happy you're not dead."

"Wait, what? I was dead?"

"As a doornail. Although I've never gotten that. Why a doornail?" My brain was leaping from topic to topic, and I was slightly giddy from finding a very alive Jasper.

"Please…explain why I was dead?" Jasper sounded very confused and uncertain, and he had the most adorable quizzical look on his face, I giggled slightly, before nodding. I then began to explain the horrible dream-thing.