Chapter 5:
Deep blue sky
The sky was heavy with clouds and crying. The grass sadly danced in the wind. It was a miserable day through and through.
Sebastian found a shelter in a natural grotto, but he was soaked to the skin and freezing. Rightfully so, in his humble opinion. He deserved every bit of punishment that the Maker would grant him. He realized he was a selfish man, a man who demanded vengeance, a man who hid behind the Andraste`s skirt and sung canticles to hide the true nature of a beast lurking in a skin of a human.
If the lighting should have struck him, he would have deserved it, that he was sure off. Andraste thought mercy, forgiveness and kindness... and he preached it in the halls of the Chantry himself, and yet... he had no mercy, he was unable to forgive and kindness was to hard for him to give.
His family was murdered and he promptly posted a notice that he would pay to anyone who would spill their blood. Vengeance enveloped him and suffocated forgives and mercy.
Grand Cleric Elthina was murdered and he demanded blood for blood. Vengeance screamed in him once more. Even-more, he demanded that she kills him even if he knew she loved him. No mercy for Anders. No kindness... for Hawke.
He wanted a sign from the Maker to tell him if he should remain in the Chantry as a brother, or leave and reclaim his lands as a Prince... He disregarded the first sign in the form of him demanding vengeance for the spilled blood of his family.
And he prayed for the sign every day, blowing in the wind like wither-fang... undecided...
The Maker has answered... the sign he has given him was... horrible... and exactly what he asked for.
The Chantry was destroyed... he was unable to return there because it simply didn't stood any-more... What a better sign than that?
And then he demanded Anders death by the hand of the woman who loved him... underlying all the signs that were already given to him...
He was not fit to be a chantry brother... and yet... he didn't felt that he was fit for a ruler either.
The signs were there... as they always were...
A good ruler is strong, knows justice as much as mercy and kindness... but he, didn't. He would without a doubt become nothing more than a tyrant.
Again he prayed for signs, fearful this time, praying that they would be subtler than before and he was given them once more...
He was trying to gather the support from the nobles that were once loyal to his family... unsuccessfully... They didn't really refused him, but they didn't pledge themselves to him either. They would think about it, they said... This one would help him if other one would, and other one would if third one would and so forth.
He was walking in the circles and he was freezing...
"You are as impulsive as you ever been, Sebastian! Ah, Hawke, good, you are here... see if you can get any sense into his head," Elthina said to him once... and again, in this cold grotto he could hear her words.
"The Maker needs both brothers and princes on his side, Sebastian," Hawke has told him,: "You need to decide what is better for your people, not what is easier for you," her words echoed in the grotto, fragments thorn out of memory.
"I don't know what is better for my people," Sebastian shouted into the cave. "How can I be sure that I wont be even worse than Goran!"
"Worse than Goran! Worse than Goran! Worse than Goran," the cave echoed to him his own words, until there was silence again.
"Because you are doubting yourself, Sebastian. A bad ruler doesn't worry of such things," he heard words that Áine Hawke told him at some point in the past.
"But I wanted to kill Anders... and you did it... I should have shown mercy, forgiveness... kindness... A ruler has to show those," Sebastian answered to the cave.
"What you said to me before... it is not why I'm doing this..." he heard a whisper from the past.
"But it was still me who demanded it," Sebastian muttered.
His discussion with the voices of the past came to an abrupt end when a woman casualty strolled into the grotto: "My, my... what do we have here!"
"Stop where you are," Sebastian promptly jumped on his feet with bow aimed at the white-haired woman.
"I suggest you point that somewhere else, boy," she said coldly and made few steps towards him.
"Who are you? What do you want," he said mechanically, still aiming at her.
"Call me what-ever you want, all others do," she chuckled. "I want many things, but do tell me boy, what is it that you want?"
"I...," Sebastian said: "Don't know..."
"Well make up your mind already," she laughed.
"It's not so easy," Sebastian frowned, dropping his bow.
"It was not easy for Andraste either, but she did choose," the woman said seriously. "Can you imagine what would happen if she wouldn't?"
"I'm not Andraste," Sebastian shook his head.
"Of course you aren't, you could never be," the woman said grimly.
"Obviously," he said annoyed by her.
The woman sihted deeply: "We are standing on the precipice, child. You either learn how to fly or you will fall."
"I'm no mage. I canst grow a pair of wings on will," Sebastian practically barked at her.
"And there is your answer then," the woman chuckled.
"Yes... well... I guess I will just crash then," Sebastian said darkly.
"Oh my, oh my... such deep blue eyes you have child and yet you are blind," the woman shook her head.
"On that point... I regret to say you are correct... I was blind," Sebastian said.
"Ha! You are not the first one to say I am right... not that there are many of those either," the woman chuckled. "Seek one out, I say," she added.
"Seek out who," Sebastian got confused.
"Bah! Man! You need to have everything spelled out," the woman said. "I wonder why the women I meet are always smarter."
"Yes, go ahead... do make fun of me," Sebastian shook his head.
"Seek out a mage and ask her to lend you a pair of wings, of course," the woman answered.
"Because the mages have plenty of those on supply, I guess," Sebastian answered.
"Well... if not wings, you can always ask for a pair of stockings," she laughed.
"What are you," Sebastian started to say, but the woman has already left the cave and he could not see her any-more.
"I'm loosing my mind," Sebastian said to himself, unsure if anybody was there in the first place.
He started a fire, deciding that perchance it would be not against the Maker's will if he gets a little warmer, and then he dozed off.
In the morning he got to his feet.
He was close to Kirkwall, probably only three days of walk or so. Sebastian figured that it wouldn't hurt if he would make a tiny de-tour and go there. He was tired, from travelling the land, from the half-rejections he got and from speaking with himself.
Besides of all that, he was curious to see what Áine has made of Kirkwall. Fenris told him that there are many changes, but he didn't shared the details, claiming he would have to see it with his own eyes.
Sebastian also wished to see Áine again... try to apologise to her... He wasn't sure if he could actually bring himself of steeping in-front her, but at least he could see her once more from afar.
His mind was set and for first time in long months he felt a bit better... and more scared than ever before. The sky was of deepest blue he ever seen.