Chapter 7

Snail gets the info from Cheryl and goes to meet her in the second building. Snail stands just outside the first building in a canyon. In front of him there is a giant field and about 100 yards away is the second building. As Snail is about to take a step he gets a Codec message:

"Watch you're step. That field is filled with mines."

"Who is this?"

"One of your fans."

"Hey, wait a minute. I saw the movie 'The Fan' with Snipes and De Niro. You're not trying to kill me are you?"

"You truly are an idiot. There are about five people on this island that DON'T want to kill you and you're worrying about me."

"Yeah because you sound cool and you got that cool thing that doesn't let me see your face (even though I don't know how I can see anyone's face anyway). What's your name?"

"Just call me Deepthroat."

"What are you? A porn star?"

"No you idiot, Mr. X then."

"Mr. X? Oh, like in Malcolm X? What are you, his son?"

"Just call me Gray Fox."

"Gray Fox, ay? Nope, doesn't ring a bell."

"Kill yourself. Truly, take that gun to your head and shoot yourself."

"You're mean."

"Ok. Screw this. There are mines in that field and there is a tank waiting on the other end for you. Hopefully you won't get yourself blown up, dumbass."

Just as the transmission ended, the door to the second building opens and out rolls a tank. Someone speaks from within the tank:

"Hello little Snail. I am Vulcan Ostrich."

"Are you really in that tank? They must have used a lot of DW 40 and a car jack to get your fatass in there."

"Enough with the fatass jokes. 'Resistance is futile'. That's what the cyborgs said to the humans in Star Trek. The same goes for you. See we are natural enemies you and I."

"Uhhh what?"

"The ostrich being fast and agile can catch the slow and dumb Snail with ease."

"How are you fast and agile?"

"Then the ostrich will break open the snail's shell and eats its slimy body."

"Uhh ostriches don't eat snails."

"Then the ostrich will fly away into the endless night."

"And ostriches don't fly."

"Silence! Unlike the Vulcan's in Star Trek, you will not live long and prosper."

As soon as the tank rolls out onto the field, an explosion erupts the tank into the air and sends the tank soaring to the other side of the canyon:

"Looks like he didn't get the memo about the mines. And will you look at that. I guess ostriches really can fly."

Snail carefully makes his way to the other side, and the door opens.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 8

On the other end of the field Snail traverses through a warehouse that he couldn't shoot in because it was filled with Japanese beer and one sip of it would make you wish you had never been born. After that, Snail comes to a hallway with gas and an electrified floor. The sneaky soldier simply uses his remote control plane to fly into the circuit board and allowing him to walk through.

Snail then arrives to the hallway leading to the room where Pal Limerick is being held. He turns the corner and sees blood splattered all over the wall and screams. Snail cuddles in the corner and gets a codec call from Campbell:

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm scared."

"Get up, pansy."

"No. I had a dream like this once. In about two seconds Martha Stewart is going to drop from the ceiling with a chainsaw."

"You truly are an idiot. Just get up and take it slow. You can't die anyway. You're the star of the series."

"Oh yeah."

Snail gets up and walks past the bodies. He then slips on the blood smeared across the floor and falls on his head:

"Ow."

He gets back up and turns the next corner. He sees a man being lifted off the ground by the invisible figure he met earlier. The man cries for Snail to help him:

"Help me. It's a ghost."

"No, stupid. It's not a ghost. It's the Predator. Any minute now Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna pop out and blow him up. You'll be fine."

The invisible figure takes out a sword, cuts the guy into a thousand pieces and walks into the room:

"Ok. Maybe you won't be fine."

Snail follows into the room and sees the invisible guy going after Pal on the ground. Pal wets himself:

"HAAAA! You pissed your pants. What a loser. You should kill yourself right now. Seriously, just end your life."

The invisible figure takes off his stealth, turns toward Snail and points the blade of his sword at him. Snake wets his pants. The robot looking ninja speaks in a mechanical voice.

"Snail. I have waited for you."

"Who are you?"

"Neither enemy nor friend."

"Oh. Are you a fan? Because I read all my mail. Hey, you weren't the one that sent those panties were you?"

"What? No. Nothing like that."

Pal chimes in from the floor: "Sorry, that was me."

The ninja ignores Pal and continues his conversation with Snail:

"I have come back from another world to enjoy one more moment with you."

"Hey, buddy. I don't like guys….that way. But I'll be more than happy to sign an autograph or take pictures."

"No. One last battle with you. To make me feel alive again."

"You wanna feel alive? Here. I got these Warhead sour candies. I swear, your mouth will go crazy. Now that's a rush."

Pal Limerick runs into the closet and shuts the door. The ninja sees and turns back towards Snail:

"Fine. He can watch from in there."

"I told you already. I'm not like that. I'm sure he is though if you wanna join him in the closet."

The ninja swings at Snail. Snail ducks and clocks the Ninja in the chin with a left hook.

"Ok we'll fight hand to hand. It's the basis of all combat."

"Ok. Hold on. I got these Sock'em Boppers for Christmas. These things rock."

Snail puts on his Sock'em Boppers and gives the Ninja all he's got. The Ninja finally stops fighting back.

"Give me more."

"Ok, buddy. I think you've had enough. Time to go home."

"Give me more."

"Hey, do you want a time out, mister?"

"Ahhhhhhhh."

The ninja runs out of the room. Snail calls Campbell on the Codec:

"Campbell, that ninja is Gray Fox."

"How do you know?"

"Because he was wearing a Tampa Bay Bucs jersey that said Gray Fox on the back."

"Oh."

"Imoan, what do you know about this."

"Nothing….except that a doctor took his body and experimented on it until he came back to life."

"Oh….ok. I gotta talk to Pal."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 9

"You gonna come out? I got a pair of Depends here."

Pal Limerick comes out of the closet and looks Snail in his eyes:

"Is that thing gone?"

"Yeah. Wow that's a big piss stain."

"Good. He's gone."

"I'm glad you came out of the closet."

"I'm not gay."

"Sure you're not."

"Who are you?"

"Call me Snail."

"I'm Pal Limerick. You can call me Alotajohn."

"Why?"

"Some butt munch already took the name Otacon. And besides, maybe it will help me remember to go to the bathroom before I….."

"Wow! Too much info there. Can you tell me how to destroy the supply of Better Beer so that the terrorists don't get it?"

"Why do the terrorists want Better Beer?

"To… I don't remember but its something not good."

"Why would they do that? I never created Better Beer to be the downfall of the U.S. I created it just to get really wasted with my friends. The truth is my family has a dark history with beer. My father was born on they same day they debuted the Budweiser Frogs commercial. My grandfather was one of the lead developers for Zima. I have even traced my roots to my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather who helped invent beer for King Hammurabi of Babylonia."

"Wait a sec. If your father was born on the same day they debuted the Budweiser Frogs commercial then that would make you like 10."

"Yeah, so. You got a problem with that?"

"Nope. That explains one thing. I thought you hadn't hit puberty yet."

"We have to stop Better Beer. I'll be fine. I got this stealth."

"Ok. I'll keep in touch through Codec."

Alotajohn runs through the door. Snail now has to meet Cheryl.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 10

Snail goes back up to the first basement and starts looking for Cheryl. He knows Cheryl is dressed like a genome soldier so Snail ponders a plan to try and find her. After about an hour Cheryl gets fed up with waiting and walks over to Snail and hits him on the head:

"Ow. What's your problem? Cheryl! I found you."

"No you didn't, you idiot. I found you. All you had to do was watch the way I walk because I'm a girl and you would have found me."

"If you're a girl then what's that bulge in your pants?"

"….. Uh. No comment. Here, follow me."

Cheryl leads Snail into the women's bathroom.

"I always wanted to be in the girl's bathroom."

"But aren't you a girl?"

"…."

Cheryl pulls a gun from her bra.

"Wow! What else you got down there? Hey, that gun's a little too big for you. Trade?"

"Yeah right. I'm more comfortable with this than I am with a bra."

"Really? I'm definitely more comfortable with a bra. I mean, I've been wearing them since I was like 12 and I fired my first gun like a year ago. Uhh…did I just say that out loud?"

"Don't worry. I can keep a secret. Girls are good at keeping secrets. Just like they are good with makeup. But I don't wear makeup like other girls."

"Maybe that's because you're not….a girl. Look at you, you're built like a gorilla and your voice is deeper than Alotajohn's."

"Whatever. We have to go to the Commander's room."

They walk out of the bathroom and the guards are gone. All of a sudden Cher's "Believe" starts playing over the loud speaker:

"Where are all the guards and is that Cher? She sucks."

"Ahhhhhhhh."

"Cheryl? You okay?"

"I'm fine, lover boy. You stud you. Right this way Mr. Wombat Shih-Tzu."

They walk into the Commander's room and Cheryl takes a gun out on Snail.

"Make love to me. I wanna party like its 1999. Let's find out why they call you Slimy."

"That's disgusting."

Campbell comes over the codec:

"Snail, Grasshopper is controlling Cheryl using mind control. Cher's songs are his mind control music."

"I see why he chose her. Ain't nothing more boring than a good old fashion Cher love song."

"You have to disable Cheryl without killing her."

"I have just the plan. The one thing no gay cross dresser can resist."

Snail runs over to the stereo system and puts on Barbra Streisand's "We're Not Making Love Anymore". Cheryl drops the gun, starts dancing and falls asleep.

A creepy voice comes out of nowhere: "So you've beaten my mind control. But you can not beat my telekinesis."

Grasshopper reveals himself. Snail is mortified at the sight of him.

"Damn you one skinny Russian. Not to mention ugly."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 11

As snail stares into the mask of Skinny Grasshopper he is filled with fear. Grasshopper floats above the ground and looks right back at him. Snail can only think of one thing to say:

"So Russia? Musta been cold."

"There is no point resisting. I have been practicing telepathy since I was two. I used to read the minds of every one around me to get them to like me. Turns out I'm ugly as hell so it didn't matter. But I didn't give up. I read the minds of countless celebrities and sold their secrets to the highest bidder. I'm the one that found out Madonna wasn't a virgin when she sang "Like a Virgin". I also found out that Calista Flockheart is bulimic, Michael Jackson liked boys and George Bush is an idiot."

"First off, Miss Cleo, you're no telepath. Stevie Wonder can see that. If you were you would have seen the shovel before it hit your face and made you so damn ugly. Besides, what am I thinking of right now?"

"You want a cheeseburger."

"Ha! You are a fraud. I was thinking of a BACON cheeseburger. So what am I thinking now?"

"You want get a tub of Ready Whip, strawberries, a leather whip, handcuffs and a dildo and then you want to…"

"Ooooook. So you're not a fake. You can read minds. So how do I beat you?"

"You don't."

Grasshopper uses his telekinesis to fling objects at Snail. Snail dodges them and fires at Grasshopper. But Grasshopper uses telepathy, sees where the bullets are going and dodges them. All is lost when Snail gets a codec from Alotajohn:

"Snail, it's me."

"I'm kind of in a tough spot here. Can I call you back?"

"I know how to beat him."

"Tell me, you four-eyed freak!"

"Just unplug your controller and put it back into the second player port."

"…"

"Just do it."

"What are you? Sponsoring for Nike?"

So Snail unplugs his controller but just as he was about to plug it back in he trips and falls. The plug falls loose and now Snail is paralyzed. He relentlessly gets hit with chairs, tables, statues, cows and beds. Finally Cheryl gets up, plugs it back in and Snail takes down Grasshopper. While on the ground, Grasshopper confesses:

"The first mind I ever dove into was my father's."

"Yeah. And…"

"And he wanted to rape me."

"Oh my god."

"So I busted a cap in his ass."

"…."

"Snail, I dove into millions of people's minds and they are all the same. But you….you're different. You have to be the freakiest person I have ever met. I mean, I didn't even know that was possible to do that with a Gatorade bottle."

"You would be surprised."

"And that thing with the carrot. That's just disgusting."

"Hey! What people do in the privacy of their own homes is their business."

"Anyway the bunker holding Better Beer is behind that door."

"Why are you helping us?"

"Because Limy really pisses me off. Besides, it makes for a more dramatic death scene."

Cheryl and Snail look at each other and know what they have to do.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.