Chapter 12
Cheryl and Snail make their way to the communication tower, but first they have to pass through a garden with wolves. Snail starts crawling through the garden and a wolf comes up to him barking. Snail takes out his gun and shoots the wolf. Cheryl is shocked:
"Why did you do that?!"
"He was pissing me off."
"You don't like dogs?"
"I love dogs. I'm a musher."
"Then why did you shoot the wolf?"
"Like I said. He was pissing me off."
Then a wolf pup comes up to Snail and starts rubbing against his leg. Snail shoots the pup. Cheryl doesn't even ask and they make their way to a big alley with the first communications tower in front of them:
"Hold on. There are mines here. I know where they are. Follow me."
Cheryl walks through the field in a weird zigzag pattern and Snail follows Cheryl and they get through the minefield.
"How did you do that?"
"I know it sounds strange but when Grasshopper dove into my mind the entire first season of Queer as Folk flashed before my eyes. Strange huh?"
"That doesn't explain how you knew where the mines were."
"There's a map on the wall, see?" Cheryl points to a wall with a large map on it.
"Oh. I knew that."
As the two walk down the alley Cheryl is suddenly hit with three sausages. She falls to the ground. Snail takes cover and calls Imoan on the codec:
"Imoan, what's happening?"
"Look at Cheryl. Is there syrup from the sausage hits?"
"Yes."
"I knew it. It's Piper Waffle. Throwing sausages is her trademark. She learned that at IHOP School. There is only one way to beat her. Get a sniper rifle and take her out from a distance. If you get to close she'll play her pipe and you'll be under her spell. Just keep your distance and take her out.
"Campbell, where is the nearest sniper rifle?"
"It's on the first basement of the first building you were in."
"F*ck that. I aint goin back there. That's like a mile away."
Snail takes out a white towel and waves it. Piper Waffle walks up to him and points her sausage in his face.
"It's hard to miss when you're this close."
"No sh*t, Sherlock."
Waffle takes out some syrup and splats it on Snail's face.
"You're lucky Limy wants you alive. But I have left my mark on you."
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action. Then Waffle hits him in the head with a frying pan and he gets knocked out.
Chapter 13
Snail, still passed out, lies on a torture table that is on a horizontal position. As he wakes he can hear Old Guy and Limy talking:
"Choose this one."
"No. I'm the professional interrogator here. Let me choose."
"Professional? What about that accident you had earlier."
"That was the water fountain okay! Besides I have on Depends."
"Wait. He's coming to."
Old Guy pushes a button and the table goes into a vertical position. Limy and Old Guy start hysterically laughing. Snail looks around to see what's so funny. He finally looks down in surprise:
"So I guess the man DOESN'T live up to the legend."
"Hey! It's Alaska and its pretty cold in here. Besides, you guys just don't do it for me. Where's Cheryl?"
"We had to lock her up. It was for her own protection. Old Guy over here tried to get his water gun off."
"I couldn't help it. He's hot."
"But Cheryl is a girl.
"Oh...yeah…yeah…I knew that."
Limy walks out of the room: "I'll leave you two alone."
"Now it's just us. This is how it works. This TV screen in front of you will play a movie. You will have to watch that movie. If you want to quit just tell me and it will end. But then the girl is mine."
"What movie?"
"First the Sound of Music, then Mary Poppins and Anne of Green Gables."
"Screw that. I quit. Take the damn girl."
"But we haven't even started yet."
"Have you even seen those movies? The Sound of Music? That is the scariest movie ever.
"Scary?"
"Yeah. The hills are alive. That's some freaky sh*t."
"Ok."
Old Guy throws the naked Snail into a cell and leaves him alone except for a single guard outside the cell. Snail now realizes he has to break out of the cell to stop Better Beer.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 14
Snail sits down on the bed. He is cold from the ….cold and looks at the guard with the nametag Johnny outside the cell:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to hold it in.
"What?"
"The biggest sh*t ever."
"What did you eat?"
"Well I've been constipated for the past 2 weeks. I asked that Ostrich guy if he knew any Star Trek tip for taking a crap. He gave me a bottle of ex-lax and so I drank the whole thing."
"The whole thing?"
"I wasn't able to go for 2 weeks! I think I needed the whole bottle!"
"Well if you can find my pants; I got some Rolaids and Tums in my pockets.
"Thanks."
Johnny starts looking through Snail's pants.
"I also have some Pepto Bismol in the coat pocket."
Johnny looks through the coat now and pulls out an object.
"Hey what's this?"
"Uhhh…that's my….."
Johnny begins to read the side of it:
"Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pump?"
"It's not mine. I borrowed it from the dude in the gas mask."
"Oh. Uhhh. I gotta go.
Johnny runs into bathroom and starts to scream.
"Don't push too hard. You might drop a lung."
All of a sudden an invisible figure walks into the room and stands outside the cell. He takes off his stealth and it's Alotajohn:
"Hi Sna…"
"It's usually Big Snail but its cold out here. You understand."
"That's still a pretty small twig and berries there, buddy."
"Hey! It's not the size of the boat! It's the motion in the ocean!"
"Ok. I never said that size matters anyway. I mean look at Danny DeVito.
"So what you got?"
"I brought you a baseball glove, the Star Wars: Episode II DVD, a #2 pencil, a stress ball, and my Blockbuster card."
"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?! You know, for a genius you are a f*cking idiot."
"That's mean. Now you have to find a way out of there yourself. "
Alotajohn runs off. Snail is left all alone in the cell. Johnny finally comes out of the bathroom.
"Hey you wanna let me out?"
"What will I get in return?"
"How about this Episode II DVD?"
"Throw in the stress ball and we got a deal."
"Ok."
Snail gives Johnny the DVD and the stress ball. Johnny lets him out. Snail puts on his clothes and then they go their separate ways.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 15
Snail walks out of the torture room. He realizes that he is in the first building and that he has a long way to go to get back to the comm. tower:
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Snail makes his way from the first building to the steps of the comm. tower. When he steps into the comm. tower he sees a stationary tower at the end of a hallway. The camera looks down at the entrance way of the door. Snail has to get through there and he wants to be undetected. So he throws a chaff grenade. Nothing happens. He takes out his SOCOM and shoots it. Nothing happens. Then he takes a FAMAS and just unloads a clip on it. Nothing happens. Snail looks around, shrugs his shoulders and walks through the door. The alarm goes off:
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Snail runs up the stairs and sees 50 soldiers coming after him. He runs half way up as fast as he can to a door. He lets out a sigh of relief and walks up to the door. The door bleeps and cant open. He then gets a codec call from Alotajohn:
"Oh yeah. The door's frozen. You gotta go to the top."
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Snail then runs to the top and goes through the door. He hears a bullet wiz by his head. Snail takes cover and whips out his binoculars. He sees 3 snipers in camouflage fatigues at the end of the bridge:
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Snail just takes out his grenade and with a single throw gets the grenade in the center of the guys. They blow up. He then casual makes his way across the bridge to the other tower and then he sees a Hind D chopper hovering in front of him with Limy driving it:
"Ready to die, Snail?"
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Snail runs to the other comm. tower and gets through the door. He sees Alotajohn standing next to the elevator:
"Things don't looks so good. The stairs are out and this elevator is broken."
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
"I'll fix the elevator while you go take out that chopper. Here take this."
Alotajohn takes a stinger missile launcher out of his purse.
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
"Yeah I always carry one with me ever since I got mugged and my purse was stolen. It beats the hell out of pepper spray."
Snail tries to pop some candy from his Snoopy PEZ but he is all out:
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
He loads the dispenser back up.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 16
Snail climbs the ladder and opens the door to the roof. He goes outside and sees the Hind D floating.
Snail holds his stinger by his side and the Hind looks right back at him:
"So Snail, time to get squashed like the mollusk you are."
Snail tries to think of a witty comeback:
"Hey Limy, I think your Hind D has some Hepatitis B. Why don't you give it some Vitamin C. Then when it gets better we can hook up my new TV. Or watch a DVD. Did you know Jungle Book 2 is rated G. And yesterday I got stung by a bumblebee while I was taking a pee. Do you understand me?"
"You have just given me about 17 new reasons to kill you."
Limy fires a missile and Snake drops his launcher and wets himself while crying. Out of nowhere, Superman drops from the sky and hits the missile back at Limy. Limy's helicopter crashes. Superman flies away and Snail opens his eyes. He sees Limy's chopper in flames and he walks over to the edge of the roof:
"So that takes care of the ice cream nation."
Hideo Kojima busts through the door to the roof and starts charging toward Snail:
"No, no, no!"
He stops in front of Snail and points his finger right in the soldier's chest:
"I had one line I wanted to keep good in this god forsaken piece of crap story and that was one of my favorites. And you had to go and ruin it. You are the single dumbest person on this face of the Earth. Do you realize that?
"Ice cream nation. You know. Like the board game Candyland."
"You're a retard. I hired Superman because maybe one hero can save this piece of trash story. Besides, that was the one part of MGS that doesn't make sense: one man defeating a chopper. I thought Superman could help with that but noooo. He has to get back and help Lois Lane 'move some furniture.' The horny alien bastard."
"Superman was here? Where? I've never met Eminem before."
"…."
Kojima jumps off the roof and then eventually disappears because he is a legend and you can't kill a legend in your story otherwise you will never be respected again. Snail is now totally confused by the turn of events. But he remembers he has to go see Alotajohn about the elevator.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 17
Snail goes back downstairs to find Alotajohn who was working on the elevator, but he nowhere to be found. Then Snail gets a codec:
"Hey Snail. The elevator is fixed."
"That's great. What was wrong with it?"
Snail walks into elevator and pushes the button to go down.
"It's strange. I didn't fix it. It just started working."
"What?"
"And that's not all. The weight limit of 1000 was exceeded. Now I know I am still carrying a little holiday weight but I don't think it's that much."
"Really?"
"Also I could feel something breathing on the back of my neck. And something bumped into me but there was nothing there."
"Is that all?"
"No. There's more. I heard voices in the elevator. They were talking about waiting in the elevator and attacking you when you got in."
"Alotajohn, how many stealth devices did you have in your lab?
"Like 20 why….Oh my god. I just realized something."
"What?"
"I FORGOT TO RECORD DAWSON'S CREEK!"
"Is that the only thing you realized? What about something along the lines of someone else being in this elevator along with me?"
"Yeah. It makes sense. The weight limit. The extra stealth devices. The voices…..SNAIL, THERES A TALKING ELEPHANT IN THERE WITH YOU!"
The codec message ends and the elephant wraps his trunk around Snail. Snail starts to choke and squirm to get free. Then he takes some peanuts out of his pocket and the elephant lets go. He gives the peanuts to the elephant and walks out of the elevator.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 19
Snail looks up and aims with his rifle. But he doesn't have time to fire because Waffle rapidly fires her arsenal of bacon, muffins, waffles, pancakes, sausages and eggs at Snail. Snail runs to a tree picking up all the leftovers on the ground he can find. Snail then sits down and has himself a hardy breakfast.
Waffle, now getting frustrated, runs toward Snake with her pipe and starts playing it. Even as Waffle stops right in front of Snail he just continues to eat. Waffle continues to play and Snail doesn't budge:
"This doesn't make any sense. No man can resist my tune."
Then Snail takes out his rifle, points it at Waffle and fires. Waffle falls to the ground dying:
"You're right. It is hard to miss when you're this close."
Alotajohn comes running out of nowhere and falls to the ground screaming:
"Why? I loved you. Why did you have to be evil?"
"Bring me my frying pan."
Alotajohn picks up her frying pan and gives it to her. Waffle hits Alotajohn over the head with it and Alotajohn falls to the ground unconscious:
"That's what you get for being creepy, you Michael Jackson stalker freak."
Waffle dies and Alotajohn suddenly wakes up from a 10 second sleep.
"Why did she have to die? I loved her. The only other person I loved as much as her was my step-mother. But that's only because she was really hot and had big boobs. But she left me and now I lost Waffle too."
"Save it for Oprah, psycho."
"How did you resist her tune?"
"I just came back from a rap concert and got shot in the ear. I can't hear anything."
"But you here me now."
"Strange isn't it? How do I destroy the remaining supply of Better Beer?
"Ok. First you have to take this card key and bring it to three different temperatures. One cold, one normal and one hot. Then each time the card changes you have to bring it to the control room and input it into the control panel.
"That sounds like a lot of work. Can't I just blow it up instead?"
"Sure. Do whatever you want. I just created the stuff. What would I know?"
"I'm going in. You better hide."
"Ok. But first I….have to…do something….I just remembered."
Alotajohn picks up Waffle's body and runs into a porto-potty.
"I don't even want to know."
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.