Chapter 20
Snail makes his way through the base where Better Beer is being held and finally comes up to a giant freezer. He walks inside and sees ostriches flying around. Hundreds of ostriches just flying throughout the room:
"This is impossible. Ostriches can't fly."
"My ostriches can. This is my world. And in my world anything goes. Hey Snail, have you ever been in the Special Olympics."
"Once when I was a kid I played some wheelchair basketball.
"Well I enter in the pie eating contest. I win every year. I always beat that skinny Japanese guy that wins all the hotdog eating contests. And you want to know why?
"Because he is a Star Wars fan and you beat him up before the contest?"
"DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN! Anyway, I beat him because I train my body specifically to eat pie. I eat all types of pie to train. Key lime, apple, mud, pecan, pumpkin."
"What about this type of pie?
Snail runs over and whispers something into Ostrich's ear. Ostrich responds:
"Only when your mom's in town."
"What you say about my momma?"
"Well you want to know what this has to do with our battle?"
"Sure?"
"Because when I'm through with you I'm gonna turn you into pie."
"That was truly bad. All that built up suspense and you came up with a one-liner like that?"
"Don't mock me."
"Ok. I won't…..STAR WARS!"
"AHHHHHHH! Now you will feel the true power of the Vulcan Death Grip."
As Ostrich charges at Snail, Johnny suddenly walks through the freezer and sees Ostrich. Ostrich looks at Johnny and sees him holding something. Ostrich takes a closer look and sees the Episode II DVD.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! AHHHHHH!"
Ostrich then charges at Johnny and sits on him. Johnny dies and then the ostriches that were flying around the room suddenly land and start to eat Vulcan Ostrich as he wonders to himself:
"Hmmmm. Now should I call this Ostrich pie or Star Trek Fan pie?"
Snail walks out of the freezer and Ostrich's spirit begins to talk to him.
"Snail, I have finally learned that science fiction cults must not fight. We must work together to defeat the real enemy: Reality TV. All the sci-fi programs; Star Wars, Star Trek, X-Files, Godzilla, The Fly, even Jason X; must come together to defeat the High School Reunions and Joe Millionaires and turn TV into what it should be. You showed me this, Snail. And in a sign of our unity and my thanks: may the force be with you, always."
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 21
Snail steps out of the freezer and enter a giant elevator. On his way down he gets a codec call from Miller:
"Hey, Snail.
"What's up, Master?"
"I was thinking about the thing Imoan said after you saw Fox."
"And?"
"Didn't it seem like she knew too much and was hiding something?"
"Oh. I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying. I was staring at her chest."
"What?"
"I couldn't help it. She's hot."
"She's not that hot."
"Hell, I'd do her."
"Anyway, I did some research and it turns out that her mother's brother's roommate's dog once took a piss on the White House lawn."
"So?"
"That is a little conspicuous, don't you think?"
"Hold on one sec.
Snail takes a dictionary out and looks up conspicuous.
"What I'm trying to say is that she might be a bad guy."
"I don't care. I'd still do her."
"She might still be working with Wombat-Shih Tzu. I'll go look for some more info."
"Ok you do that."
"It's Miller time."
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 22
Snail walks through many halls and finally sees the door leading to the warehouse where Better Beer is being made. Snail walks inside and sees a giant machine that makes Better Beer. Snail sees a button to the right of the door labeled "Push to Destroy Better Beer Machine." Snail then pushes it and the Better Beer machine blows up. Then he gets a codec call from Campbell:
"Snail, we just found Master Miller's body."
"What? Where was he?"
"In one of the stalls in the men's bathroom over here at HQ."
"What? You knew he was in the bathroom and you didn't know he was dead?"
"Well we just thought he ate some bad Cheetos or something."
"Then who have I been talking to?"
Limy walks out of the shadows:
"Me."
"What? You told me as Master that you weren't the bad guy."
"Uhhh. I lied."
"That's just mean. Hey, what's that in your hand?"
"It's the last can of Better Beer."
"Oh no."
Snail shoots the can out of Limy's hand and the can falls to the floor.
"Now you've done it. Prepare to die."
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 23
So Snail and Limy start fighting and Limy is winning right off the bat. Limy gives Snail the rope-a-dope and knocks him to the ground. Then Limy runs over to Snail with some shampoo and pours it into his eyes. Snail runs around screaming in pain. Then Limy runs over to Snail again and gives him a wet willy. Snail falls to the floor crying. Then he gets a codec from Campbell:
"Damn Snail, you're getting your ass kicked."
"Campbell, help me. Please."
"Sorry. No can do, buddy. I'm too busy arresting Imoan over here."
"What? Why are you arresting her?"
"It turns out Limy was right. She was a bad guy but was working on her own. We found out that she put some disease thing in you called SocksPie. This disease targets specific people and kills then by giving them a severe hernia. The PARKA chief had one because she slept with him and she wanted no one to find out and Waffle had one because she ate Imoan's waffles."
"Wait, but I killed Waffle. And besides, how could Waffle have a hernia she's a girl?"
"Oh yeah. Did I say Waffle? I meant to say you. Sorry about that. Gotta go bye."
"Wait…."
Campbell cuts of his codec and Snail is left ready to die from either the SocksPie or from Limy. Snail lies down and accepts his fate. Limy then speaks:
"There is something I have to tell you before you die. It involves your father and me."
"What is it?"
"Snail, I am your father."
"Don't you need a lightsaber to say something like that?"
"Snail, I am really your father. I was cloned from the man you killed back at the Outer 7-11 and then I met this fine ass ho down at the strip club. So I took her for a ride in my Chevy back to the Motel 6 and you were the result."
"My mother was a stripper?"
"Yeah. I believe she was called Angelina something. I can't remember her last name. It begins with a J. Anyway, that bitch Cheryl is unconscious in the corner and you're about to die."
Snail is ready for the end when sees the last can of Better Beer against the wall. Snail gets an idea that might just save his and Cheryl's life.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 24
Snail gets up and does a triple somersault back flip while drinking a Coke and doing his taxes. He then lands right next to the last can of Better Beer. He picks it up and pops the top. Limy is scared:
"Don't do it, Snail. It hasn't been tested and who knows what will happen."
"I don't care. If I'm gonna die right now at least I'm gonna do it wasted."
Snail chugs the whole can in one big gulp. At first he feels fine but then he starts to shake and goes into convulsions. He falls to the floor and starts foaming from the mouth. Then there is silence and he slowly gets up. But not as Snail. He has transformed into….
"OH MY GOD! It's Jackie Chan from the Legend of Drunken Master!"
Jackie starts moving about very drunk like and kicks the ass out of Limy. Once Limy falls Jackie turns back to Snail:
"Damn. Now that's some good sh*t."
Snail sees Cheryl still knocked out in the corner. He walks over to her and tries to wake her up, but she doesn't. He shakes her some more but she is still sound a sleep and now begins to snore. Then finally Snails takes out taser and jolts her with a full voltage shock. She wakes up and Snail explains everything to her:
"You got knocked the f*ck out by a sausage and I defeated all the bad guys with one hand behind my back. We are safe. So now lets get on a boat and do the nasty James Bond style.
Then Snail gets a codec call from Imoan:
"Snail, I'm sorry. Fox was my brother and I gave you SocksPie to get even with you for killing him. But I have seen what did you in a time of crisis and you are a good person. And there is something I have to tell you about the virus which I could've never predicted."
"You tried to kill me. So f*ck you, bitch.
"But…."
Snail turns off the codec cutting Imoan off:
"So Cheryl, which do you prefer: Trojan or Durex? Or the more important question is extra-lubricated or ribbed for your pleasure?"
Then Snail gets another codec:
"Snail, this is Jim Carrey. Do you read me?"
"Jim Carrey? Wow. What an honor. So have you made contact to congratulate me on my victory?"
"No. I was appointed by President Bush as the Secretary of Defense during his last term and I am still doing the job. I have contacted you to tell you that you will die because in 10 minutes fighter jets are flying over that facility to bomb the living sh*t out of you."
"Where is Campbell?"
"He's getting busy with Low Mane in the back of his Chevy. I don't know why. I mean she's alright in the face but kinda flat though. I'll still do her but probably from behind.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Orders from the new president. Besides I always wanted to bomb the set of Snow Dogs. What a bad movie. Sorry, Snail. I gotta go. Alias is on. Damn that Jennifer Garner is a fox. Unlike that Tomb Raider psycho-bitch. Peace out."
Snail gets up and sees a long hallway in front of him with 5 vehicles on the side:
"Ok. We can take the ice cream truck from Twisted Metal, a bike from ET, the Back to the Future car, my mom's minivan, or a Barbie's Big Wheel. There's no contest."
Snail grabs Cheryl and jumps into the Barbie's Big Wheel and starts the engine. He only has 9 minutes and 23 seconds before the whole Shadow Moses base is blown sky higher than John Travolta's ego.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 25
Snail checks his mirror, puts the radio on and an Avril Lavigne comes on:
"Damn skateboard bitch."
He then changes it to a better song and puts the pedal to the metal. The Big Wheel takes off at a ravishing speed of 1.5 miles an hour. Snail can feel the wind in his hair now. He turns around and sees Limy riding the ET bike with a Nerf chain gun in his hand:
"It's Nerf or nothing!"
Limy pulls the trigger and Snail does a Batman turn. Snail is now going backwards through the tunnel and uses the windshield to block the Styrofoam darts. Then he continues to go in reverse while Limy catches up. Snail then makes another Batman turn and now he is going straight. Limy pulls up on the left side and Snail looks in the side mirror:
"Assh*les are closer than they appear.
Limy tries to punch Snail but Snail ducks. Snail then reaches over and pushes down the kick stand on the bike and Limy flips over the handle bars. Limy then gets up, brushes himself off, has a sandwich, watches some Jeopardy, picks up his bike and takes off after Snail and Cheryl in the Barbie Big Wheel. He soon catches up to the Big Wheel which is still only doing about 1 mph. Snail and Limy are now side by side in this high speed chase.
"Its time to die, Limy."
Fox drops from the ceiling and points his sword at Limy:
"I am not a tool of the Government or anyone else. Well maybe Madonna but that's a different story. Fighting was the only thing I was…..uhhhh…..line?"
Hideo Kojima pops his head in.
"…ever good at….."
"Oh yeah. Fighting was the only thing I was ever good at but at least I bought what was already eaten."
Hideo rolls his eyes.
"That's what you get for hiring Madonna's personal male stripper."
Fox continues to blurt out obscene lines that are supposed to be proud but aren't while Limy and Snail get closer to him. Fox doesn't get out of the way and gets run over by both the bike and the Big Wheel:
"Road kill."
"Highest codename my ass."
The two start to see the light at the end of the tunnel but the opening is small enough for only one of them to fit. The two speed up and at the last second Limy stops and lets the Big Wheel go first and then Limy went through the opening on the bike. But a small alien falls from the sky and lands on Limy's head as he's coming out the tunnel:
"ET phone home."
"Someone get Calista Flockheart off of me."
The bike takes off flying to the sun. Snail and Cheryl get out of the Big Wheel and look at the bike as it takes off straight up and out of view. All of a sudden they hear a scream and a few seconds later Limy hits the ground. The tremor of Limy hitting he ground caused the Big Wheel to fly up and land on Cheryl and Snail. Snail tries to look up from underneath the Big Wheel and sees Limy limping towards them with his Nerf gun:
"Snail! You will die. That is both your destinies. Not mine."
"Both?"
"I was meant to be strong. And he was supposed to be the weak. But it turns I will be the one that kills his supposedly perfect 'nephew' after all."
Limy points the gun at Snail and gets ready to pull the trigger when he bends over in pain.
"Uhhhh. It can't be."
"But somehow it is."
"Socks….."
"Pie."
Limy grabs his genitals and falls to the floor.
Snail gets up and picks the Big Wheel off of Cheryl. He looks around and realizes it's finally over. Or is it?
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.
Chapter 26
Snail starts walking down the cliff with Cheryl behind him:
"You know what I don't get?"
"What?"
"Where was Dana Carvey?"
"Who?"
"Dana Carvey, Wombat Shih-Tzu's master of disguise. He was supposed to be here but I never got to see him.
Cheryl takes out a gun and points it at Snail's head.
"Freeze, Snail!"
"Cheryl, wait a sec. We'll role play once we get the leather on.
"I'm not Cheryl. I'm Carvey."
"What?"
Carvey takes off his wig.
"Ahh. Now I see. You know I was just joking about that getting nasty James Bond style thing."
"I just pretended to be a female soldier so I could get close to you and betray you when you were close to defeating us."
"But I already defeated you. It's too late."
"It's never too late!"
"What are you talking about? I killed your army and your teammates, destroyed the thing you came here to get, you got no info or money and your boss is dead."
"Ok. So maybe it is too late. But not to kill you."
Carvey puts the bullets in the gun and then points it back at Snail. He gets ready to fire when he suddenly drops to the ground. Alotajohn appears out of nowhere in front of Snail:
"Hey, Snail."
"I could have taken him."
"But you didn't. Instead you crapped your pants."
"Yeah, thank God for these Depends. I cant believe I had feelings for her and she wasn't even real. Worse, she was a man. Am I gay?"
"I think he's hotter without the wig."
"Should we kill him?"
"Nah. I wanna see him in the sequel. Maybe we'll get a love scene."
The two start walking down the cliff and get in a hot air balloon.
"So what now?"
"I got in contact with Campbell. Imoan is in a federal prison with Amy Fisher and Winona Ryder. And Jim Carrey is placed under arrest for ruining his career with bad movies. So what's your name, Snail?"
"Snail."
"No. Your real name."
"It's Snail. I was born Snail James Bartholomew III."
"Oh. Hey, how about we start a group and serve the world by doing something.
"Like what?"
"We'll think of something."
"What should we call it?"
"How about….."
Hideo Kojima pops out of nowhere again.
"Hey, You don't think I'll tell you everything before the sequel."
The air balloon takes off.
Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for the sequel:
Better Beer Slimy Dos:
The Grandson's of Puberty