Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight
Edward looked up at me, I could feel his eyes on my head. More shame and embarrassment welled up inside of me, making bubbles start to form. I resisted the urge to scratch my arm, knowing that he would know what I was trying to do immediately. I hugged myself as I watched a tear hit the floor.
In an instant, I felt him by my side, concern radiating from him. His voice was soft when he spoke to me.
"Why are you upset?"
I couldn't bear to look up at him, so instead I shrugged.
"You're wonderful Bella, I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself. I understand that you need to let the shit out of your life, but you don't need to do it this way. Lots of people find other ways to let go and to get the poisons out of their bodies."
I shook my head slowly, knowing that I would have to say something.
"It's not like that for me though. I have to sometimes. I tried quitting a few times, but it never seemed to work. I always have to start up again. And then, when I don't, I feel like I'll fall apart in front of everyone and I can't do that. I can't let people know..." I stopped, knowing that my arguments were useless. He was still going to try to make me stop no matter what I did.
"You can't let people know what? That you're human? That you have emotions too? That you feel the hurt of their insults just like they feel hurt? That you have feelings and opinions even if they don't think so? Is that what you can't let people know? Because if it is, I don't agree with that. People should know how you feel-that you can feel. They should. Because you matter Bella."
I looked up, finally, and saw his eyes. What I saw there I could identify as concern and hope for me. But I couldn't feel the same emotions towards myself-or anyone for that matter.
"You shouldn't care about me. I don't know why you do. I don't know why you keep coming to help me." I held up my arm. "This isn't what was supposed to happen. People aren't supposed to help me, they aren't supposed to care if I live or die. They aren't supposed to care if I cut myself or that I smoke weed to cover up the pain or that I don't follow the rules like every other good girl out there. They aren't supposed to notice me. Why do you go against all of that?"
I hadn't meant to say all of what I did. I heard my voice saying what I thought I could never speak out loud-and yet, here I was. Spilling every thought that ran through my mind as it came as if I had known Edward since we were babies. I couldn't believe what I had just done.
"Because to me, you are special. You are one of a kind, and you are in need of help. You mean a lot to me, what that means yet, I don't even know. But you do mean something to me, or I would have been just like everyone else. I wouldn't care if you were just a nobody like you seem to think. You're wonderful and beautiful and you have good intentions, albeit a little buried." I gave him an incredulous look. "Okay, a lot buried. But I'm here to help, I don't want you to hurt yourself. As odd as it is for me to go against my nature, I am. And because of that, I implore you to at least try for me."
I felt bad that I had offended him. At least, it looked like I had. I wasn't too sure with him. He seemed to slip underneath of my usual grounds for what people usually do and don't do when they feel a certain way. He was acting like I had slightly offended him, but because I was often wrong when it came to Edward, I just assumed I wasn't totally right.
Reluctantly, I agreed to at least try to let him help me. I did want someone to be with, so I wasn't lonely anymore; but then again, I didn't. I didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary if I ended up dying. I knew that my jobs were dangerous, that I would more than likely be killed in a run or a pick-up. But I didn't want to be lonely.
Oh the sadness and pain of being a human creature. Sometimes I wished, like now, that humans weren't social by nature.