Deadpool: PI #2 All on Paper
Hi, I'm Wade Winston Wilson, yeah, WWW, no, not the World Wide Web ya jackass. Don't make that joke. I'm a freelance merc, merc with a mouth. May have heard of me? May have not. Like I care. …please read my comics? Anyway, I've recently taken up the role of private investigator. This is Deadpool PI. Ooh pie.
The Office: May 1st 5:50pm
I was getting ready to pack up shop when a women with a body to die for walks into my office swaying her luscious hips.
"What's shaken bacon?" I ask raising a brow and leaning closer to her.
Her soft lips open, "My name is Veronica Finkle, recently my assistant manager at my paper company's branch was found dead, last week, I believe it was his wife but I want you to search for the killer. Please Mr Deadpool, I need your help" Her voice was soft and sweet, I almost made a mess of myself listening to her sensual voice.
"S-Sure honeybuns, lemme get my $#!+ and I'll be ready to go" I get off my chair and stumble over the leg of my desk "Ow" I say chuckling nervously and moving towards my hat and coat. I place them over me, "After you" I say so I can watch her ass shake on the way out.
The crime scene: May 1st 6:00pm
I open the door and a terrible smell enters the air. I scrunch up my face and begin searching. I look over the body and investigate the head. There was a large red and purple mark underneath his messy brown hair, I look closer, it's from a blunt object.
"Aha!" I announce and click open the boot. Inside was: Women's clothing, a tyre and a lead pipe with blood on the head. I pick up the women's clothes and shove the panties and bra down my pants. I then move to the tyre and take it out, I bounce it on the ground twice and roll it away. I then look back in and investigate the lead pipe.
"Hmm…Bob c'mere" My green and gold friend walks over looking as stupid as always, I hand him the pipe "take that to the lab and see it it's the same as the victim's blood."
My idiot side-kick nods stupidly, takes the pipe and runs off to the lab. I roll my eyes, have I mentioned how stupid he is? Anyway I start looking around again and open the glove compartment, a stick of lipstick rolls out, I investigate it closer, Lornix. Was our man a cross-dresser? Or was it his wife's? Or another babe all together?
I put the stick in a zip-lock bag and move away. I walk back towards Veronica and start interviewing her.
"So… how was your relationship with Tim?" I ask prepared to take notes
"It was well for boss and worker" Veronica answered
"Maybe a little too well? What brand of lipstick do you use?" I continued to interrogate the beautiful woman
"Lornix" She replied calmly. It was the same brand I found in the glove compartment.
"Did you have a sexual relationship with Timbo?"
"I…Uh…Are you implying that he cheated on his wife with me?" She asked nervously
"Yeah"
"Well..um…Yes" She sighed deeply and looked down
"and I'm thinking that's why he got the promotion?"
She nodded still looking at the ground
"Maybe one of ya workers did it?"
She looked up back at me, "We kept it very quiet, no one knew we disguised it… there are two men that might have noticed…"
"I need names!"
She sighs and opens her lips again "Peter Darker and Mohammed Lee"
"Addresses?"
She tells me the address and I finish off my notes.
Garfield residence: May 2nd 8:33am
It was time I visited the wife of thje victim, give her the information. I walked to the door and knocked loudly "Yo! People! Gotta talk!"
A medium sized Mexican with a small moustache opens to door, "Yeah?"
I look close to the stache "Dude, that looks so cool, I've been growing one myself, wanna see?" I flip up the bottom of my red, black and white mask revealing my upper-lip. The man makes a disgusted face.
"What do ya want amigo?"
"Hey do you guys got tacos here? Running a little low…"
He rolls his eyes and slams the door in my face. I knock again. He opens.
"Yeah?" He said with an annoyed look on his face. I know this look, I get it a few times a day…
"Is this where Tim Garfield lives? Well… not anymore" I ask raising my brow
"Tim's dead? Well about time someone killed that *# $^ %" He replied with a slight smile
"You don't look that upset… and who said anything about him dying?"
"I don't exactly like the guy, not much do, he may have good looks but the mans an asshole"
I nod "Is the woman of the house home?"
"Yeah, hold on. Maria!" He calls out, a beautiful Latina woman walks down the stairs in a short dress and make-up.
"Yes?" She asks in her high pitched voice
"I'm Deadpool, private investigator. Why are you so dressed up?"
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home, he's taking me out to dinner"
"He's not coming home. Someone beat his brains in"
She fainted and rolled down the rest of the stairs. The man rushed over and patted her face softly trying to wake her up.
"Tickle her arm pits, usually works"
"What?" He asked with a confused yet frustrated face
I rolled my eyes and tickled her arm pits. Her face changed slightly, she tried not to giggle but couldn't contain herself. She exploded in laughter. I smiled and took out my hand-cuffs.
"I gotcha" I laughed and linked the cuffs over her wrists tightly
"Hey! I ain't done nothing!" She exclaimed strongly. The man punches me in the face, "Jose!" She called out to him "He's got weapons!"
I shake the punch of quickly, it's nothing, I've been head-to-head with the hulk more than once and came out still standing… most the time. I hit him back punching his nose and punching him through a wall. I cuff him and throw them both in the car. My phone starts to ring
And I'm hungry like the woooolf
"Yellow, Wade Wilson, PI, Merc with a mouth, wazzup?"
"Mr Wilson, it's Me, Bob, Agent of Hydra, Hydra Bob, your side-kick. Weasel has the report on the pipe. Better come here at once" The mousy voice on the other side speaks
"Thanks Bobby"
Beep
The Weasel hole: May 2nd 9:40am
I walk through the door, Bob is pacing as usual. Pussy. I walk through to the lab and weasel is playing Space Invaders on his computer
"Weas!" I announce on arrival. He quickly switches a tab to a XXX website and shoots around.
"Wade." He says rising from his chair and walking over to a table with the lead pipe on top.
"What have you got?"
"It's the same blood, A positive. DNA's the same, the object that hit him. It checks out, interview the other two and come back here, buddy"
"Two things Weas: I am not your buddy, we've been over this, we're not buds, pals, friends. You make stuff and I use them. Second thing: You don't boss me around."
I storm out of the house and jump in the car. I start it up and arrive at the workplace.
Daper's Paper: May 1st 10:02am
I walk into the office and grab the suspects by the collar and start dragging them into my car.
"Both of you shut the *$# up and sit tight."
They nod scared
"You both know about Tim Garfield and your bosses affair?"
They nod again
"Which one of you %#*%#$* killed Tim?"
They both look at eachother
"Tim's dead?" The Arabian asks raising a brow and look back at me
"Yeah, Tims dead. Now I want one of you to fess up or I'm going to torture and eventually kill you unless one of you guys tell me who did it!" I ordered them
"I know who did it…I was there" The other spoke up "Three people, two women and a man, the man and a woman looked Mexican, the woman was… Our boss, Veronica Finkle"
"You are?"
"Peter Darker" He stated.
"Thanks boys" I pull up and throw both men out of the car.
Finkle's house: May 2nd 10:27am
I walk up the lane way. It's a nicely decorated place. Light shade of blue reaching to the roof. Double glade windows, large double door and double storied. Guess you can call her a two timer. I knock on the door and a large masculine man opens the door.
"Yes?" He says in a deep voice
"Mr Finkle?" I ask raising my brow
"Yeah."
"Veronica Finkle's hubby?"
"Yeah."
"Bud, she's been cheating on you-" Before I can finish he grabs around my face in his huge bear hands, clearly he doesn't notice my weapons and free hands, I flip out a gun and shoot him in the knee.
"I was simply going to talk about her, and what the %(#* is happening! Clearly you take it too far!" I kick him in the head and he hits the doorframe "She killed a man!" I kick him again and he coughs out blood
"Hos-pital" He groans weakly
"Why the %#$ would I do that? I'm a guest in your home and you treat me like a frog in the desert, is that a good analogy? Yeah, sounds good… did we just say analogy? What does that even mean?"
"Ergh shut the %$*# up!" He yells and grabs my gonads
"OW! That's not nice at all buddy, sure, a little kinky but not nice." I kick him in the head and smashes his head on the doorframe knocking him out. I rub my crotch and walk upstairs to see the sexy woman half naked and putting stuff in her suitcase
"Going somewhere babe?" I ask taking out a katana
"Mr Wilson!" She exclaims covering her chest, "This is extremely rude!"
"Save the act bitch" I launch forward and kick her in the face "Oh and nice tits" I kick her again and stab her leg "Confess!" I order
"Fine… I did it… me and his wife and brother In-law…"
"Thanks for the pay babe" I shoot her through the skull and stop the recorder. I snap off her bra and take a picture of her breasts. I walk off and get in the car.
The office: May 2nd 1:30pm
I drive back to the office and walk inside, the two criminals are tied up and gagged.
"So, you kids been having fun?" I ask laughing "I know what you've been up to… it's not very nice" I take out my katana and wipe off the blood from my sword "You know I specialise in killing… you don't. Clearly you don't." I swipe my sword across the man's leg "I mean, you guys suck, why not just hurt me? I would have done so much better than you little rats. The only good things you Mexicant's can do is make food, I mean without that you guys could just leave…oh maybe you guys do have a good accent and sexy moustaches" I cut off their heads swiftly "But who really cares about them? Oh…I do…"