Warnings: Slash, eventual RLSB
Disclaimers: Don't own it.
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The Worst Year Yet
By Rekahneko
Chapter 3 – Third Year – Malfunctioning Books
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Third year, Remus became good friends with a nice muggleborn girl named Lily Evans, he had his first major crush (a studious Slytherin student), and the pranking from his roommates continued unabated. His tactic this year was to ignore the difficult pranksters. Remus had learned all about the technique in a muggle psychology book he read over the summer.
According to the book, this sort of bullying was supposed to happen because of a need for attention (which he thought was perfectly true for both boys) and control (which Remus wasn't sure they wanted, but perhaps). The book insisted that the best way to deal with bullies was to ignore them and pretend they didn't bother you until they got bored and moved on. As Remus was already a great actor, having to keep such a huge secret all the time, he was quite able to follow these directions.
Sadly, this new method of dealing with his roommates only had marginal results. Sirius in particular did not like to be ignored and seemed to follow Remus around, relentlessly trying to harass him. The boy even asked him to Hogsmeade once to get a reaction. Of course, in accordance with the advice of his books, Remus did his best not to acknowledge the invitation just as he ignored all the other pranks and attention getting ploys.
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Early Fall, Third Year
"I think we should take Lupin off our pranking list," Sirius said, looking thoughtfully across the common room at an amber-eyed boy reading a book.
"Why?"
"Well James, I might have misjudged him. Perhaps he isn't so stuck up after all." Sirius watched as the firelight played across the even features of his quiet roommate. Dark blond hair flickered from gold to brown in the unpredictable lighting.
"You fancy him, don't you." James grinned, interrupting the moment.
"Hmph. He's just better looking this year though, isn't he?"
After considering the situation for a moment, Sirius sauntered across the room to perch on the edge of the armchair where Remus was deeply focused on his book.
"So, Lupin, did you have a good summer?"
Remus rolled his eyes, but kept on reading.
"You must have missed me tremendously," Sirius said with an obnoxious grin. "Personally, I had a brilliant holiday, but of course I'm glad to be back, aren't you?"
"Whatever, Black," Remus said dismissively, trying to ignore what was obviously a prank set-up. He didn't even bother looking up from his book, just flipped to the next page.
After looking completely flummoxed by Remus' reaction, Sirius retreated back to his friends for some moral support.
"I can't believe he ignored me! Me, Sirius Black, the most popular guy in our whole year!" Sirius was completely flabbergasted at the thought.
James just laughed, as always while Peter did his best to look supportive while wishing they were on a kitchen raid instead.
"Forget what I said earlier, Lupin is going straight to the top of the list!"
"Sirius, did you really think he would react well to you chatting him up?"
"Of course! Who wouldn't?"
"Lupin wouldn't, that's who. Maybe he isn't interested in boys."
"Maybe," Sirius said, frowning. "But at least he should want to hang out with me, right?"
"Maybe Lupin just doesn't want to have anything to do with you at all. I mean, you are kind of an idiot and everything…"
"Hey!"
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Dear Mum and Dad,
Yes, I know I haven't really written much this year but I have been very busy with everything.
The study groups are going very well and I have a friend from the Potions group, Lily Evans. I know what you said about friends, but she is great and really nice and I will make sure she doesn't notice anything, don't worry. Maybe you can meet her at the train station during holiday break. I think you will like her. She is a muggleborn and has red hair.
She, Severus Snape (he is the one in Slytherin who is so good at brewing), and I all get along pretty well. They are always helping me get better grades in Potions. I am able to help them a bit in Defense so it works out fine. Neither approves of Black and Potter nor do they find the pranking amusing like some of the other students. That makes me feel better and everything (especially when they set off dungbombs again like they did yesterday).
Just like we talked about, I have been working on ignoring my roommates. Sometimes it seems like it's working and sometimes it just seems to annoy them. I am not sure if it is the most effective tactic, but I will keep it up. Maybe you could send me another one of those books on bullies like the one we checked out from the muggle library this summer.
I'm glad to hear that Snuffles is doing better after that whole popcorn and glue disaster. I hope the mess eventually comes off of the ceiling! Give him a hug for me.
Love, Remus
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"Are you ready?"
"Yeah, all we need now is a diversion so I can get into his school bag."
"You really think this will work, Sirius?"
"Of course! How could it go wrong?"
James seemed to consider the question for a bit longer than expected, but ended up answering with a shrug. "So do we wait for Lupin to get distracted or do we have Peter do something stupid?"
"Hey," Peter piped up.
"Did I say something stupid? I meant something distracting."
Peter looked displeased, but didn't comment.
"So, Pete, think of something good so we can get to Lupin's bag. I have complete confidence in you."
"Thanks, James. I'll do my best." Peter's chest puffed at the magnitude of the important task he was set.
Meanwhile, Sirius was busy ignoring Peter's existence and humming to himself in delight. "This is the perfect prank! I mean, not only will we find out if Lupin likes males or females better, but there are pictures of naked people involved. Who wouldn't like to see pictures of people completely starkers?"
"Naked people?" inquired Peter, who hadn't been in on the planning.
"Well, mostly naked anyhow. The best I could do on short notice."
"What exactly is the prank?" asked Peter, terribly curious.
"Never you mind. Just get him distracted for me, yeah?"
Remus never noticed when two of his dorm mates rifled through his bag, casting spells on a few of his belongings. He was too busy gawking at Peter, who was trying to balance an orange on his nose while juggling three tomatoes at the same time. Of course, since the orange obscured his vision somewhat, he was having a difficult time catching the fruit, bits of red, squished tomato flying all over the room every time he tried. During all of this, not a single person noticed the two black haired boys and their illicit activities.
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"Turn to page 264 of your books please. Mr. Lupin, it is your turn to read out loud to the class. Three pages, as usual. You may begin."
Remus' quiet, calm voice filled the classroom as he began to read aloud.
When he was close to the end of the first page, Sirius whispered, "Get ready to watch carefully, James."
"Advanced Transfiguration spells began to be commonly used starting around 1263. Edmund Blodgett was the first known user of Switching Spells in 1258, sparking interest in the subject. Blodgett's impact on the subject was felt for years..." Turning the page, Remus continued.
"As he moaned and gripped the hard, slick shaft of Robert's enlarged…"
Remus slammed the book closed, red faced and horrified. There was a long silence as everyone reviewed their memories to make sure they actually heard the words they thought they had. Then, of course, there was laughter. Gales of it.
"Mr. Lupin?" The professor looked worriedly at Remus, voice carrying over the students' giggles.
Wide eyed, Remus replied, "My book seems to be malfunctioning."
If it hadn't been for Remus' spotless reputation and the exaggerated sniggering and unsurprised looks of the three troublemakers in the back of the room, the professor might have given out a detention. Instead, she glared at the other third year Gryffindor boys before asking a different student to continue the reading. She knew Remus would never disrupt class on purpose and, like many of the other teachers, she felt sorry for him for having to share a dorm with some of the most difficult students in years.
Remus spent the rest of the class period with his head close to his book, hair covering his beet red face.
"Did you see his expression? Are we sure he saw the picture before he closed the book? What do you think, does he like guys?"
"I dunno, Sirius. He looked pretty appalled."
"Hmph. At least I have the lasting memory of Lupin reading that passage. Merlin, I'm brilliant." Sirius smiled expansively at the recollection of Remus' sultry voice reciting the torrid passage.
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"Remember to turn in your homework before you leave. Just put them in a pile on my desk."
The students were busy cleaning their areas and packing up their belongings, talking with each other and starting to relax after a long day at school.
Remus was happy to have made it through all his classes without any more incidents like the one in Transfiguration class. Each time he opened a book, he had carefully checked to see what was on the page, but there had been nothing at all for the remainder of the day.
Finally able to loosen up after an afternoon of stress, Remus turned to his best friend Lily to discuss their favorite pastime, reading. "I just adore the book you loaned me. I finished it last night and it was exactly what I was in the mood for. Do you have the next one in the series?"
From the other side of the room, Sirius and James were trying not to look like they were closely watching their roommate.
"Has he pulled out his homework yet?"
"Shh, James, he'll hear us."
"Well Remus," Lily replied, "The rest of the books are at home, but perhaps I can get my parents to owl them here. They need more practice using owls anyhow – they're muggles, remember. Are you almost done?"
"Yeah, I just have to turn in my paper."
"Here he goes! Now he'll see it. Remember to look at his expression when he notices the picture, okay?"
"Umm, Sirius, he isn't looking down at his homework. He's still chatting."
"Not good. What if he turns it in without looking at it?"
"That would be funny! Imagine Slughorn's face!"
"I don't care about Slughorn's face, you dolt. We won't be able to see Lupin's expression, and then we'll never know!"
"Quiet down, he's just about to hand it in."
"All right, hurry it up, everyone give me their assignments." Slughorn picked up the stack of scrolls and motioned for the remaining students to hand him any that hadn't already been turned in.
"…and my favorite character is Edmund because he has such a complex motivation. What about you?"
"I like Susan the best. The series needs more strong female characters. Other than the White Witch who is much too evil to be interesting. Hey, Remus, why is there a picture on your homework? I thought it was supposed to be written answers only."
Remus looked down at the parchment in his hand and his eyes widened. Just at that moment, Professor Slughorn pulled it out of his hands.
"Sir! Err, I need that back." Remus' voice cracked as he began to panic.
Sirius had a difficult time not laughing as he watched Remus consider tackling their potions professor to retrieve the document before it was too late.
"What's so wrong about your homework that you don't want me to see, Mr. Lupin?" Professor Slughorn raised his eyebrow and peered at the paper.
Remus put his head in his hands.
"Well, well," said the amused teacher, chuckling. "It looks like you might have included the wrong picture. This one might be a better addition to next week's essay on Amorentia instead."
"Sir," Remus squeaked out, "I didn't… That's not… Oh, Merlin."
Nearby students were craning their necks in order to see what was on the page that Slughorn seemed to find so funny.
"The August centerfold from PlayWizard is a nice touch, but I just don't see how it compliments a paper describing the twelve uses of dragon's blood."
Remus' mouth opened and closed without any sound coming out.
Slughorn just chuckled again, enjoying the attention. "Oh, don't worry. I recognize a prank when I see one. I am sure whoever added the artistic touches to your homework had an excellent sense of humor." He sent a broad wink over to James and Sirius who returned an overly innocent look.
"Lucky you joined the Slug Club this year, Sirius," James mumbled. "We get away with everything in this class."
They watched Lily drag an embarrassed Remus from the classroom.
"Well?" Sirius turned to his friends.
"I think he looked even more appalled at the picture on his homework than he did when he saw what was in his book earlier today."
"So he likes guys better than girls?"
"If we go purely by the evidence, I'd say he dislikes centerfolds in general." James was grinning.
"Maybe he looked so horrified because he was getting pranked," suggested Peter.
"Shush, Pete. When I want your opinion, I will give it to you," Sirius said, pompously.
Peter rolled his eyes. This is why he so rarely spoke up.
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Late Fall, Third Year
"He's just playing hard to get, James."
"I'm not so sure, Sirius…"
"Well, I am. I mean really, who could resist me? And I'm sure he's just anxious to get on my good side after so many of my brilliant pranks."
"Your pranks, Sirius?"
"Our pranks, then," he added, graciously. "Oy! Here he comes."
"So, Lupin, what are you doing this Saturday?"
Remus stopped to look carefully at his least favorite roommate before answering.
"Homework with my study group." As he was walking towards them, Remus was fairly certain he had heard the word 'prank' from one or both of the boys.
"Cancel it then and come to Hogsmeade with me," Sirius ordered confidently.
"I don't think so," Remus replied, a bit scornful that they thought he could be caught up in one of their tricks so easily.
"What do you mean, you don't think so?" Sirius replied, confounded. Remus had already started walking away though.
Sirius sent a distressed pout over to James who just grinned and shrugged.
When they were alone again, Sirius turned to James. "He told me no," Sirius explained, flabbergasted.
"What did you say to him?"
"Nothing special. I'm just not sure what it is exactly that I'm doing wrong with him. It seems to work on everyone else…"
"Maybe that's why you like him. He isn't like anyone else."
"Stop being so insightful. It's positively creepy."
"What was that?" James looked around suspiciously, trying to find the source of the strange noise he had heard. "I thought we were alone."
"Oh, it's probably just Remus' sock again. You remember, the one from the dancing clothes prank last year?"
"It's still going? Did you ever figure out how it can dance around without music?"
"Nope, no idea. It must be magic," he replied with a straight face.
"Wow, you are really funny, mate. Look at me, rolling on the ground laughing. Ha. Ha."
"Maybe Remus just has special feet or something. His socks are unique. I have always wanted a pet."
"Sirius, you are the strangest bloke I have ever had the misfortune to meet."
"Back at ya."
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Next Time:
"Lupin. Are you flirting with me?"