Ronin Special #1
What Might have been
By: Ghost of the Dawn
Chapter 5: Robyn, Part 2
Cye woke up to the sound of birds chirping in the trees outside the window. For a moment, he was caught in a dream where he had been living near the shore and where the squawk of seabirds usually roused him from slumber. It was a beautiful seaside home with a long, sandy beach and a large bed where there was always a smaller, soft body to keep him company.
But that had been the dream; the illusion. The truth was that he was camping in the woods with his friends. He was too young to own a house and he was in a bed all by himself. Though he was sharing a room with Kento's large form in the bunk below his. This was his reality.
The other place he had been, everything seemed so vivid, so real. He could remember everything that had supposedly happened though his entire life in that fake world. When he had first awoke from it, it felt as if that had been his real life and this had been the illusion. But soon the sensation changed from feeling like being rudely shoved out of his natural life to being awaken from a dream.
The previous afternoon, when they had all escaped from that world, he understood the silence and the guardedness that went through his comrades. Two realities had crashed together at once when they woke up, both feeling just as real. They all needed to get away to come to terms with their true world and their real memories before they could go further. They needed time away from each other. They needed time away from her.
There was a pang in his chest when Cye thought of Robyn. That... entity, whatever she--it-- was. It had played a very cruel trick on them all. If the other Ronin had experienced anything like he did, he guessed they were also going through the same feelings he was. Anger at what had been done to them. How their emotions were played with without any regard to the lasting consequences. There was a bittersweet sadness at being away from that world that wouldn't got away. And below it all, there was shame. Shame at, despite being back home, still feeling how he did about her. They were feelings that, if they came of their own time, they would have been good and wonderful. But as he stood now, they felt bad.
Just out of high school, Cye felt he was still a bit too young for such feelings. Robyn, especially, with as emotionally underdeveloped as she was, certainly was not ready to have such a relationship thrust upon her without warning. It felt wrong to still care about her that way as the shadows of that dream world still clung to him.
He had to keep reminding himself that it had all been a dream. A very vivid dream to which he was emotionally attached, but still a dream. And like all dreams, he felt its hold on him slowly fade, though it was certainly taking its time. He just needed more time alone to think and get his thoughts in order. Then he would be okay.
Which was why he got up early to sneak down to the kitchen. No one would be up by now, save Sage, who got up even earlier than he did. But Sage would, no doubt, be outside on a beautiful summer morning like this. As solitary as he was, Cye would bet Sage would want to be by himself extra long today. That suited Cye just fine. He was looking for some alone time as well.
But when he walked downstairs, he was disappointed to see there was someone already up and sitting on the couch. Judging by the size and the fact that they had a blanket hooded over their head, there was only one person it could be. Cye's stomach flip flopped. He didn't want to see her yet, he wasn't ready.
However, he had been in the habit of checking on her for too long and he found himself going to her automatically anyway.
"Cold this morning?" he asked simply.
Robyn jumped at the voice. She obviously hadn't heard him come downstairs. She swung her hooded head around to see him. Cye was almost afraid to see her face, but it made less of an impact on him that he thought it would. That face was not the face of the woman he thought he had been married to. That face had been warm and healthy and glowing and lit up when she saw him. This Robyn glanced at him nervously, her face pale against the dark blanket at her eyes wide. Then she pulled it closer around her and glanced away.
"Uh, yeah... a little. It's not too bad."
"Okay, well.. it's too early for breakfast quite yet, but I'll start it in a while."
She didn't turn to look at him again, but her voice sounded normal. "That's fine. Thanks, Cye."
Cye turned to the dining room, pleasantly surprised. That was easier than he thought it would be. What had he been expecting, anyway? She would look at him the way that fictional Robyn from his fake memories did? That something deep would pass between them and they would continue to pine for each other and the life they could have had? That woman and his memories of her weren't real. This Robyn was. And this reality they were living in was still the same as he had left it. That thought encouraged him a bit. Though while he still wanted some time to himself, he felt a bit better about the day.
With that in mind, Cye kept up his daily routine. When it was a bit later in the morning, he set about making breakfast and called everyone down. It did not escape him that the usual enthusiasm to get to the table was lacking that morning. Though everyone came, there was a carefulness about them all. The same quiet guardedness and accusing looks were passed right along with the breakfast food.
Unlike dinner the night before, Robyn was the first one from the table. She had stayed covered up in her blanket while she ate, which wasn't much at all. Then she got up, grabbing her jacket off the hook as she went by. The Ronins could hear her put on her shoes in the next room before there was the sound of the door being closed behind her.
As a result, Ryo got up, throwing some bacon to White Blaze and then letting the tiger out the backdoor to follow Robyn around and make sure she was safe outside. Then he resumed his seat at the table. No one else moved. Everyone continued to sit in silence, picking at their food.
Ryo looked around the table. All heads were bowed in stubborn silence and deep thought. He sighed. He was going to have to start.
He cleared his throat. "So just to be clear, this happened to every one of us, right?"
Everyone stiffened as the subject they were all trying to avoid but were all thinking about was brought up.
"Oh jeeze, Ryo," Kento complained. "We gotta talk about this now? This early in the morning?"
"Might as well," Cye admitted. "Now's the time with Robyn out of the house." He looked at Kento. "Unless you want to let it fester and sulk for another day."
"Yeah," Kento mumbled as he poked at his pancakes. "I kinda do."
Despite Kento's expressed intent, everyone slowly began to raise their eyes to the table and look each other. Each Ronin could see on the other's face they all had somewhat of a similar experience. How similar, they could only guess at as each thought about what had happened to them in their own fictional dream world.
Rowen glared at all of them. "If any of you tried to take advantage of her--"
The table erupted into loud objections and accusations from all parties that lasted for more than a minute before Ryo could be heard above them.
"Guys! Guys stop and sit down!"
The other four were all glaring at their friends as they sat down and tried to compose themselves.
"Look at us," Ryo continued. "It's like we don't trust each other any more. We have to remember that what happened out there wasn't real. No matter what we say or... what we felt, nothing changed here in this world. Our real lives are still the same that it's always been okay? Fighting among ourselves, it may be just what that... thing, whatever it was, wants."
"It seem like it was more concerned with Robyn than us," Sage said, elbows on the table, fingers laced in front of him. "I woke up half way through their discussion, but it made no mention of wanting to defeat us. Whatever the entity was, it just wanted Robyn's happiness."
"You mean imprisonment," Rowen retorted. "That thing wasn't about to let her go back with us, but it obviously wasn't any match for us either. The second we united against it, it was gone. Perhaps that's why it stuck us each in a different world. It wanted to keep us divided and unaware of each other."
"Something still doesn't add up," Cye said. "If it was all about us, then why was she, or it, so obsessed with what Robyn's choice was?"
The table went quiet and the air grew heavy. It was obvious that the thing that had called itself Mary Anne wasn't the only one preoccupied with what Robyn's choice would have been. It had crossed every one of their minds at one point. What if she had chosen them? What if they had stayed in that life? No Dynasty, no armors, no fighting for the fate of the world. Just normal life. They had gotten a taste of normalcy. It was hard to shake.
"Whatever it was," Sage said. "I have a distinct feeling it won't be back. At least not anytime soon. It didn't get what it wanted even before we jumped in. I doubt it will, at least, try the same trick again."
The other Ronins all seemed to agree. More silence passed.
"So..." Kento then said. "Since we are discussing, do we WANT to talk about what exactly happened to us in those worlds?"
Everyone was uncomfortable again, but Kento was past his own discomfort. This was his only invitation. They take it now because he was not offering again.
"We all had nearly the same experience, right? We were all married to Robyn? Or at least some kind of serious relationship with her?" He studied their different faces. Most were giving some kind of reluctant nod. "The whole thing, wedding, house, kids..."
Rowen spat out his drink, his eyes wide. "You had kids?!"
"So what?" Kento challenged. "That's the normal thing to do. Unlike you, Mr. Abnormal. I'm surprised you committed enough to put a ring on her finger."
Rowen suddenly looked guilty.
"You didn't marry her?" Kento demanded. "You son of a–" He suddenly jumped up and reached for Rowen across the table. Strata stumbled back out of his chair to stay out of reach.
"Hey! Hey!" Cye called, standing as well and stretching his arms between them. "It doesn't matter! It wasn't real, okay? These weren't our life choices. They were made for us."
"So?" Kento said, still riled up a bit. "This thing obviously knew us enough to create a place that fit our personalities. Cye, you married her, right?"
Cye flushed a bit when attention was turned to him. "Uh, yes of course, but that wasn't really--"
"And Sage, you did, too, right?"
The blonde still hadn't moved from his original posture, mouth hiding behind his interlaced fingers. "I believe that's private."
"Coming from you, that's a yes," Kento concluded. "And Ryo, you--"
Ryo stood up from his chair and promptly left the room. The other Ronins watched him leave, unsure how to interpret that. But without Ryo, the discussion disappeared and each one finished their breakfast and left to go back to their own thoughts.
Kento spent the middle of the day lounging outside on the roof of the cabin. It was a cooler day up in the mountains so the sunshine and the warm roof felt good. He could just lay their with his arms folded behind his head and drift off, sometimes thinking about so many things and sometimes thinking about nothing at all.
He needed this time, even after they were able to talk a little bit. Which Kento had to admit, did make him feel better. Somehow it was reassuring to confirm that his friends had gone through similar experiences and they understood each other's confusion at the current situation. Unfortunately, there was also a small part of him that was irritated he wasn't the only one dealing with similar feelings left over from a romance with the same girl. It stirred an unfamiliar feeling of protectiveness in him which didn't feel right since he knew she wasn't his to protect in that way. Kento tried not to think about it too much.
Likewise, other false memories he tried to stay away from. More intimate thoughts that a husband would have for a wife that made Kento flush and his heart pick up. Those definitely were fake memories and he spent great effort not to let his wandering mind entertain them. If he didn't think about it, he knew that, too, would eventually fade away just like everything else. He just needed to give it time.
A safer subject to dwell on was the fact that it seemed while all the Ronins had an experience with Robyn in those dream worlds, they weren't as similar as Kento originally thought they were. Rowen, at least, had a completely different adult life than he did. Who knew if any of the other Ronins had children in their lives with Robyn.
It had been one of the surprisingly acute pains he felt once ripped from that world. He had children whom he loved more than his own life. And now they were not just gone, but they had never really existed. It was an emotional attachment he could never imagine before. Sure, he had naturally assumed when he got married there would be children to follow, but that was the extent of his thoughts on that subject. To feel the pride and joy of actually being a father was a bit overwhelming and so alien to his young, teenage mind. And somehow, Kento had an inkling none of the other Ronins could relate to it.
Suddenly, Kento wanted to see Robyn. The real Robyn of this world. He wanted to see her face and confirm that she was okay and that they were okay together. He wanted to laugh with her about how crazy all this had been and know that life was okay the way it was now.
He really hoped she would come back to the cabin soon.
But Robyn didn't come back the entire day and the Ronins left it at that. They were all taking in their alone time, hardly even interacting with each other. Robyn was allowed as much alone time she wanted as well.
When it started to get dark, Ryo stood on the porch and whistled shrilly into the woods. White Blaze roared back immediately from not too far off. There was no warning in his tone which meant where ever they were, they were near by and they were fine.
The night grew darker. The five Ronins sat around the dinner table, food ready, but not eating. They continued to wait until there was the scuffling sound of sneakers and large paws coming from outside on the porch.
Ryo was standing right at the door when Robyn came in. She balked, almost bumping into him. White Blaze pushed his way through, unconcerned.
"Dinner's ready," Ryo said flatly. He couldn't seem to make his voice sound any warmer than that.
Robyn glanced over at the table where everyone else was sitting.
"Um, I'm not really hungry right now..." she said softly.
"You sure?" Cye called from the table. "You haven't eaten since this morning."
"We waited for you," Ryo stated. He couldn't stop himself with being irritated with her for some reason.
Robyn instantly looked down at her feet.
"I'm sorry, I'm just really tired. I'm going to bed."
She quickly slipped past Ryo and up the stairs.
Ryo watched her go before stalking over to his chair and sitting at the table. His brows were knitted until he noticed the others staring at him.
"What?"
"You okay Ryo?" Rowen asked. "You look kind of mad... at Robyn..."
The stiffness instantly fell from his shoulders and he sighed.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Cye asked.
Ryo looked away. He didn't really. Even though he had insisted everyone talk earlier, when they had started comparing notes, Ryo realized his sentiments towards their dream world lives were completely different from his own. His other four friends had led a happy fantasy life, he had not. It made him feel confused, cheated somehow. And he didn't want to admit it to the others.
"Just lay it out there, Ryo, come on," Kento urged.
Ryo felt a certain frustration bubble up again at the sound of her name.
"There," Rowen pointed to the expression he was making. "That thought right there. Share that with us."
Ryo shot him a sharp look. "It's none of your business, Rowen."
"You may want to consider venting now," Sage said quietly. "It would be better to do it here than take it out on Robyn again. It wasn't her fault."
Ryo shot up out of his seat. "That place wasn't so great for me, alright? I tried so hard to make it work, but I was working for someone who didn't care about me, who manipulated my feelings to get what she wanted. Who cheated on me..."
"Robyn? No way," Kento retorted. "She wouldn't do that."
"She didn't care!" Ryo shot back. "I don't know why, if it was a trick or not but I'm glad I'm out of there." He looked down at his plate and suddenly didn't feel so well. A kind of sickness that started in the chest and spread everywhere else.
"I'm not hungry any more. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Ryo turned and tromped up the stairs. He was only half way up when murmurs from his friends downstairs reached his ears. He didn't care what they were saying. He knew they were discussing what he just said and what it all meant compared to their own experiences. He was done with it. At this point, all Ryo wanted to do was go blissfully to sleep and not think about it.
Unfortunately, there was still something in his way. The hall was pitch dark save for the light coming from one open doorway. Peeking her head out was Robyn. Ryo could only guess she heard at least his tone when he had raised his voice downstairs. She looked worried, her large eyes wide and trained right on him. Ryo didn't want her to look at him, he just wanted to go hide. He just had to make it past her and then he would deal with the rest in the morning.
"Ryo," Robyn tried as he tried to walk quickly by her.
"Not tonight, Robyn," he said, keeping his tone as neutral as he possibly could. "I just can't do this tonight, okay?"
She let him go. Ryo didn't hear her say anything else and he didn't look back as he reached his room at the end of the hall and closed the door behind him.
It was so hard to sleep that night. Cye tossed and turned, his head filled with so many thoughts and questions and memories: some real, some not. It was worse than the night before. The first night he didn't toss so much, he just dealt with the confusing emotions and let it pull him into a disheartened slumber.
This was different. With more information coming to light from his friend's experiences, more questions filled his head. Questions, questions and more questions. None of them had answers. Nothing he could think of gave him closure or rest. The darkness was drilling into him. Cye couldn't lay there any more. He had to get up.
Once on his feet and making himself some tea downstairs, Cye felt a little better. His head wasn't so jumbled when he wasn't in a half sleep trying to keep his dreams and his waking thoughts apart. He sat at the silent table and sipped the warm liquid, all the while repeating to himself that no matter what happened, everything was okay now.
His real life was exactly the same before this happened. Everything between then and now were just thoughts and emotions. Nothing tangible, nothing that could hurt them. He told himself he was thinking too much and making things to complicated. It wasn't that bad. There was nothing to worry about. He should just let it go and go to bed.
After telling himself that several times and taking a few deep breathes, Cye felt he was good to try getting to sleep again.
Silently he slipped back up the stairs, careful to make them creek as little as possible. Down the hall, almost to his door, but then he stopped next to Robyn's. It was closed and he didn't hear anything coming from the other side. It was habit to check on her, but for some reason, this felt like he was doing something he didn't normally do.
Still, Cye turned the knob soundlessly before pushing the door open just a few inches to peek in.
He hadn't made much noise, but Robyn's head still raised. She had been sitting on her bed in the dark, legs pulled up and forehead resting on them. It was obvious she was not sleeping either.
"Robyn?" Cye asked quietly.
Even in the dark, Cye could see how wide her eyes were. Almost as if she were frightened of something.
"You okay?" he asked as he came inside.
Robyn didn't respond. She seemed to be having a hard time keeping herself upright. Cye reached out and touched her forehead.
"Robyn, you're getting a fever. You should get in bed and get some sleep."
"I can sleep," Robyn sighed tiredly.
Cye smiled kindly at her. He understood that feeling very well.
"You should at least lay down and try." He reached for the covers to pull them back for her.
"No," Robyn insisted. "I CAN'T sleep. It always gets me when I sleep and I wake up somewhere else. I'll never get home."
Now Cye was confused. "Robyn, but you are home."
"How can I tell?" Robyn demanded with a crack on her voice. She sounded like she was about to cry. "Every place seems so real! I thought they were real. How can I be sure this one is the real one?"
Tears were coming now. Cye could see them in the faint light from the window. He put a hand on her arm.
"Robyn, this is real. You're home now, I promise."
"It doesn't feel like it. All of you are acting so strange and I don't know what to do." He heard her try to swallow a sob. "I'm so tired of not knowing where I am or what's going on. I can't do this any more."
Cye felt a pang in his heart at her words. That morning when he saw her on the couch. She hadn't slept the entire night from fear of being taken away again. Now she was attempting to stay up another night in a row. During the day she wasn't eating, the poor girl was practically killing herself with worry. Cye couldn't let that go.
There was a part of his mind that was still in fear of getting too close while certain memories were still vivid. But Cye ignored them as he put his arms around her. He was surprised and relieved how like the real world it felt to hold her in his arms. It grounded him somehow. It made him feel sane and safe. Everything would be alright now. He held her tighter as the girl's shoulders shuttered with sobs.
"It was so hard," Robyn whispered in a tight voice. "When I woke up in that world, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how I got there and I was afraid to say anything."
Cye furrowed his brows and pulled away a bit. "Wait. You were in those worlds, just as yourself? No past memories? You're saying you were just... you?"
Cye had never considered Robyn didn't have the same false memories. From how the others had acted, they hadn't either. They had just naturally assumed she, like them, had been brainwashed into thinking those false realities were real.
Robyn scrubbed at her eyes, trying to calm down. "I just woke up in a bed I didn't know. I had no idea how I got there. And you were there, but it was a completely different life. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid that if I tried to explain to you, you would think I was crazy. So I just tried to pretend. I'm sorry, Cye. I'm so sorry."
Cye thought back to the past few days of what he thought were false memories. They were actually the most vivid ones he had. He originally thought it was because they were the most recent. But now he realized it was because those were real memories. And the more he thought about them, the more Robyn's actions now made sense.
"No, I'm sorry that you had to go through that," Cye said. "Don't worry about it, okay? Just know that you are home now and you're safe, okay?"
"And the others are here, too?" Robyn asked. "In the other worlds, you didn't know each other. It was like they didn't exist. But everyone is here now, right?"
"Yeah, Robyn." That answer didn't come from Cye. It came from Kento who was standing in the door way. "We're all here."
He walked in and sat himself on the foot of the bed.
The mere act of being able to see two Ronins at once seemed to raise a great weight off Robyn's shoulders.
"You need to sleep," Cye said. "You're not going anywhere, I promise."
Robyn nodded and climbed under the covers with Cye's prodding. But she still looked worried, sitting with the blankets pulled around her, balling them in her fists. It was clear she still feared what would happen when they left. Cye and Kento looked at each other and made an unspoken decision between the two of them.
"Scoot over," Kento said as he climbed into the bed.
Cye wordlessly did the same on the other side.
Robyn looked a bit surprised, but allowed them in without saying anything. The bed was normal size so three people had to really squeeze in tightly to fit. Cye and Robyn faced each other on their sides with Kento pressed against her back.. Cye had his hands on her shoulders with Kento's arm flopped lazily over her side. Robyn's arms remained folded against her chest as if afraid to touch either of them. But eventually, they could feel her body relax under their protection.
"It will be okay," Cye whispered. "It will all be okay." It sounded like it was just as much for his benefit as it was for Robyn's.
One of her small fists found its way around the material of his shirt and she gripped it like she never planned to let go.
"Just don't go anywhere."
Kento's arm tightened around her in response. His urge to protect was still there, but it wasn't the same as before. He was relieved to feel his normal emotions returning. His urge was to not only protect Robyn, but Cye and the others in the house as well. This whole mess would not happen again if he had anything to say about it.
The small body next to him fell into a deep sleep, utterly exhausted. Cye slipped off a while later. Kento stayed aware for a while yet. In the dark it was easier to entertain the possibilities and let the imagination go. What if that had been his life? What if it could still be?
When he looked at his friends, he realized those questions didn't matter. What was happening right now in the real world was the most important. The future would work itself out in its own time. And with that realized, Kento too, drifted off in a satisfied slumber.
To be continued in part 3...