AN: I'm sorry that it took so long for this update. I'll try to have at least two of Remus's stories up before finals.
When Remus had entered number 12, Grimmauld Place a few minutes earlier, all he could think about was a warm bath, a long rest, and something to eat. Now creature comforts were the last things on his mind, as he struggled to place the alien sound he'd heard moments after he'd taken his cloak off.
Though not particularly threatening, whatever it was he'd heard didn't fit –had no place being there, and he cautiously went in search of it, taking care to make as little sound as possible. He was approaching the drawing room when he heard it again, although this time he was close enough to the sound to place it as laughter. Looking around the door, he was thoroughly taken aback to see Tonks there with Sirius.
"Then what happened?" she begged, tears of mirth streaming down her face.
"Well," Sirius continued, smirking, "let's just say that cat animagi have very interesting reactions to catnip."
Remus couldn't resist a chuckle himself as he remembered the story Sirius was telling. He still doubted that Minerva had forgiven them for that prank. Then again, he mused, she seemed to get over quite a few things we did.
"You didn't!" Tonks exclaimed.
Sirius's grin stretched.
"You did? How… What…" her voice trailed off as she searched for words "Teach me, oh master of pranking. I grovel at your feet."
"Well, my young disciple," Sirius began, "the first lesson in being a successful prankster is-"
"-to never let someone –particularly not a teacher overhear your pranking plans." Remus cut in, stepping into the room, his earlier exhaustion forgotten. He wasn't even fully through the door when Tonks' stunner caught him.
THUD
"Remus, I'm so sorry," Tonks cried, running over to him. "I hadn't heard you coming, and if I'd known it was you I wouldn't have, oh shit, Remus, are you alright? Ennervate."
Never sneak up on an auror, he reminded himself ruefully, sitting up and rubbing his head. "Bloody hell, Nym-Tonk-" he hastily corrected himself. "Remind me to never surprise you again."
"I'm so sorry, Remus, I just heard someone, and I forgot that this is a protected house and –Sirius, stop laughing."
"Well, it seems that two of my pupils have both learned very valuable lessons, haven't you?"
I am going to kill him, Remus thought, glowering at his old friend. It will be slow, and painful, and I will enjoy every goddamn second of him begging for mercy. "It's quite alright, Tonks. I just surprised you, and you reacted the way you've been trained. Alastor would be proud of you."
"Will be, Remus." Sirius cut in. "Mad-Eye will be proud of Tonks."
They both turned and looked at him quizzically.
"Remus, she managed to surprise and stun you. I'm never letting either of you live this down. And if the best way to do that just happens to involve mentioning it over tea at the next meeting, then so much the better."
"Sirius," Tonks groaned.
"Tonks, you are my little cousin, and that means that I have the right, no, the duty to boast of your accomplishments. I have taught you well, young grasshopper. You, though," he said, turning to Remus, "I expected better of. Trying to sneak up not only on me, but on a law enforcement official. Have you forgotten everything I taught you?"
"Everything you taught me?" Remus cried in mock outrage. "I was the mastermind behind most of our best pranks. Every time we didn't get caught it was because of me!"
"-Or James' invisibility cloak," Sirius cut in.
"-Or James' invisibility cloak," Remus acknowledged with a nod. "The map was my idea, and I figured out half the spellwork! If anything, I taught you about pranking!"
"If that's the case, then it is your fault we were uncontrollable and you're one of the worst prefects in recent Hogwarts history," Sirius crowed in triumph. "And what do you mean, our best pranks were your idea? You were usually the one trying to talk us out of our pranks. And the map certainly wasn't your idea, because it was the best idea that-" he stopped, eyes flashing dangerously.
Tonks had been watching in fascination as this argument went on. She had known about the Marauders from the time she was a little girl, and Sirius had told her that Remus had been very different when he was younger, but this was the first time she'd seen the prankster break through the outer shell of shy, proper gentleman. She would have been delighted to let them carry on all night, but the sudden silence caused her to realize that somehow, dangerous territory had been broken, and that someone would need to act as peacemaker before Sirius went on a rampage.
"Would anyone be interested in some hot cocoa? I've got marshmallows, and Molly said that there was leftover whipped cream."
It was amazing, she thought five minutes later, as they sat in the kitchen waiting for the milk to boil, just how easily two adult men could be distracted with promises of sugar.
"So, Sirius, do you have any more interesting stories about your time at school? Other terrorized teachers, harassed students, destroyed property? Something tells me that there's no way you could have told me even half of what you got up to yet."
"Well," Sirius began, grinning wickedly, "there was this really obnoxious girl named Linda C-"
"Sirius!"
"What? Tonks asked me for more interesting stories. As I recall, that one was one of your brilliant ideas."
"You are not telling that story to a lady. Particularly not around food. It's disgusting. Have you no sense of propriety?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I haven't." Sirius looked insufferably smug. "So as I was saying, Linda was"
"Sirius!"
"Oh, Merlin's balls, Remus, who put the stick up your ass? This one's funny."
Remus grimaced. "No. Not that story. Not now. Please, Sirius. For me?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Fine, Moony. Just for you." Turning to Tonks, his smile widened further. "So, when we were in our fourth year, there was this prefect named Oli-"
"Sirius!"
"Remus!"
"Hot chocolate's ready," Tonks interrupted. "And I'm ready to bet that neither one of you will be able to guess exactly what I put in it."
Sirius, who had been about to take a swig, paused and looked at his mug suspiciously. "Will it make me wish I hadn't drunk it?" he asked.
"Do you have any food allergies?"
"No."
"Then you should be safe," Tonks said.
"Just in case, I'm taking this upstairs. G'night, you two." Levitating his mug in front of him, Sirius walked out of the room.
"Oh, and Remus?" he called, sticking his head back through the doorway. Remus raised one eyebrow quizzically. "Nifflers. Amos Diggory."
Laughing, Sirius ducked back before Remus could throw anything at him.
Turning back to the table, Remus realized that Tonks was looking at him expectantly. Crap. Hoping that he could play it off, he picked up his mug and took a careful sip. His eyes went wide. "Tonks, this is incredible. What's your recipe?"
"Thank you, Remus." Tonks smiled at him. She looks so happy when she smiles. "Tell you what. I'll trade ingredients and quantities for stories." The smile had turned into a smirk. "Why don't you start with Linda Whatever-her-name-was?"
Remus closed his eyes and groaned, thunking his head against the table. "That story should never be mentioned in polite company, let alone told. What if I gave you some embarrassing stories about Sirius instead?"
"Anything I can't get him to spill on his own when he's drunk?" Tonks asked hopefully.
Remus hesitated. "Erm, probably not. He's always been able to laugh at himself, and pretty much anything I'd tell you is far enough in the past that it wouldn't bother him."
"Hmmmmm." Tonks looked remarkably unimpressed for a moment, and then inspiration hit. "What about embarrassing stories about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah. I know you must've gotten up to quite a bit yourself, and it'll be fun to watch you squirm."
Remus hesitated again. "I've spent over a decade trying to distance myself from all of that, Tonks."
"You'll never be able to fully get away from it, though." Her eyes sparkled mischievously. "Would you like a refill?"
She was directing the steam from the still-simmering pot directly at him with her wand, and he couldn't resist.
"Three stories. All of them squirm-worthy, and all of them with some information about either Sirius or myself that we wouldn't like divulged. In exchange, I ask for your recipe and either one entertaining story from your time at Hogwarts, or two from before you started school."
Tonks looked at him, surprised. "Under those terms, I get to withhold one ingredient."
Remus thought it over. "You have a bargain," he said. "Now, how about that refill?"