Shane listened and bit her nails while the phone rang. She had finally gotten up the courage to dial Carmen's number. She hadn't spoken to her in three days. She was avoiding the situation.
Shane was excluding herself because of her extreme nervousness. Jenny had felt a change in Shane's behavior, and insisted that she go back to her bedroom until Shane was feeling better. Jenny knew Shane still loved her, but she wasn't about to fuck this up and be little Miss 'look-at-me'. She was going to give Shane her space.
"Hello?" Carmen said. Shane stopped biting her nails and smiled a weak smile.
"Hey, Carmen."
"Shane? Oh, baby! It's been three days. Why haven't you called?" Baby. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
"I've been busy with Wax," she lied.
"I hope business is doing good. I bought you something here. I think you're going to like it."
"Um, Carmen?" Shane's voice was tight, and for a second, she thought her throat would close up. She took in deep breaths to keep herself breathing.
"Shane, what's wrong? You don't sound so good." Shane took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
"You know I care for you, and I said I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you...but there's something I got to tell you. I'm sure you'll hate me when I say this, but I need to be honest with you now. I need to stop pretending."
"Shane, I don't like your tone of voice, and I sure as hell don't like where those words are leading me." Shane took her free hand and ran it through her hair. Although they weren't face to face - it was just a phone call after all - it still made her extremely nervous. They had been together for almost a year now. How was she going to tell Carmen that when she said 'I love you', she never truly meant it the way she thought she did?
"Who is she, Shane?" Carmen asked.
"Huh?"
"Who did you cheat on me with?" Shane felt the sting. Carmen knew her all too well.
"Jenny," she whispered. Carmen was silent for a moment, and then she spoke.
"Who?"
"Jenny."
"Shane, I can't understand you when you're whispering. Speak up!"
"I cheated on you with Jenny," Shane said loudly, and she waited for Carmen to blow up. Instead, Carmen stayed silent for what felt like an eternity. In all reality, it was for 30 seconds.
"Jenny Schecter? You've got to be kidding me! No, Shane, really. Be honest!"
"I am being honest." Shane bit back her fears and spoke loud and clear so even the person sitting six seats away from Carmen could hear who Shane McCutcheon was sleeping with.
"You have got to be kidding me." Carmen's voice dropped. She put a hand over her eyes and breathed in deeply.
"Carmen..."
"You have got to be fucking kidding me. Jenny Schecter! Shane?! Jenny Schecter?!"
"I'm sorry, Carmen..."
"Why do I feel so sick to my stomach right now?!" She asked aloud, trying to fight back the tears and bring out the anger.
"Carmen, I'm sorry. Some things just can't be helped."
" 'Some things just can't be helped' ?! Oh, fuck you, Shane! Why is it when I tried having a relationship with her and I had sex with her, you were all 'look at me, I'm Shane! You want me!' ?! Now you can have an affair with her and everything's okay?!"
"Lower your voice, dammit." Shane hated being yelled at like a child. She had taken it many times from Carmen, and right then was the last time.
"No! I won't! Oh, this is going to stop! You are going to stop this...thing with Jenny!"
"Don't you go telling me to stop doing something. I'm 27 fucking years old, Carmen! I don't need a damn mother figure hanging over my shoulder telling me what I can and can't do!" Shane yelled. She looked over at the doorway angrily, and locked eyes with Jenny, who was watching. How long she had been there was not clear.
"Shane..."
"Carmen, listen. I called to do this nicely so I didn't have to hurt you, but now that I see that's not possible, I'm just going to come out and say it. We're done."
"Who's done?" Carmen asked.
"We are. Me and you. I'm sorry, Carmen." Carmen felt a big puff of air enter her and lodge itself into her throat.
"You said you loved me. That meant nothing?"
"Carmen, you're sweet. You're amazing, and I do love you...just not that way."
"And you love Jenny in 'that way'?" Shane breathed in.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Carmen. I didn't want it to be this way." Carmen and Shane had both lowered their voices to almost a whisper. Shane looked up at Jenny. Jenny asked if Carmen was crying by making a motion with her hands. Shane mouthed the words 'I think so'.
"I'm sorry it had to be this way, too, Shane."
"Carmen, I never meant to hurt you. God knows I've done that enough already. But I can't just act like this never happened."
"I know." Shane heard Carmen sniffle and rubbed her forehead.
"Shane?"
"Yeah?"
"I will always love you, even if you don't love me. Whenever - if ever - you need me, let me know." Shane smiled.
"I will."
"Well, then...I guess I'll see you next week when I come back."
"Yup." Carmen sniffled and cleared her throat.
"Goodbye, Shane."
"Bye, Carmen." Carmen hung up the line, and Shane did the same, sighing.
"Is she okay?" Jenny asked, holding the glass that she had drank some soy milk from earlier. Shane stood, wiping her sweaty hands on her blue jeans.
"I think she is. She'll be okay later." Jenny nodded and made her way to the kitchen. Shane followed and wrapped her arms around Jenny's waist as Jenny poured more milk.
"I feel like shit," Shane said, her voice muffled into Jenny's shoulder. Jenny took one of her free hands and wrapped it around so she could ruffle the back of Shane's hair.
"It'll pass."
"I didn't make the wrong decision, did I?"
"No," Jenny said, turning to face Shane, "you didn't. It had to be done. It'll hurt for awhile, I'm sure. I still hurt for writing Max that email." Shane sighed again and smiled a weak smile.
"Things will get better." Jenny smiled.
"Yes, they will." Shane took Jenny's hand and they walked to the living room. They got situated on the couch and turned on the TV, tuning in to some random show. Jenny wiggled into Shane's arms and rested against her chest.
Things will get better. This, too, shall pass.