A/N Did you ever wonder why Marshall thought it was a good idea to buy a neon yellow papoose? …Yellow Emerald did.
Marshall wandered through the towering stacks of baby paraphernalia, looking slightly lost. Babies 'R' Us was a huge store and he'd spent the last ten minutes trying to get out of the 'Bibs and Baby grows' section.
Just as he was about to scream in frustration, a shop assistant appeared a few feet behind him as if by magic.
"Men make commissions sooo easy!" She said under her breath.
Smirking, she pulled off the sale tag from a neon yellow papoose. It had been sitting lost and abandoned in the 'Bibs and Baby grows' section for at least two months now - well, it wasn't worth putting it back in the right section, where it'd have semi-decent looking competition - and she hadn't been able to find anyone dumb enough to buy it. Looked like its time was finally nigh.
"Excuse me sir, my name is Courtney, can I help you at all today?" She crooned, plastering on her best 'buy this, buy this now' smile and holding the papoose behind her back, waiting for the right moment.
"Oh, uh, hi Courtney. I'm uh I'm a bit lo- I'm Marshall, by the way- I'm a little lost, can you show me where the exit is?"
Perfect, Courtney grinned mentally. He's trapped!
"Oh yes sir, certainly! Was there anything in particular you were looking for today?"
"Sure, I was looking for 'Aloe Skin'-brand baby oil for my son, but now I really just wanna go home and recover." Marshall replied.
"Ah! Clearly you want the best for your son! Have you seen this? It's perfect for a baby boy!" She was practically oozing charm (at least, in her mind) as she thrust the brightly coloured papoose towards her unsuspecting victim. The neon yellow monstrosity gave off a sickly gleam in the fluorescent strip lights of the warehouse-like store.
"Uh…wow. It's kinda hard to miss, but no, I...haven't seen it before. You were going to show me the exit?" He ended the question hopefully, but upon seeing the twitch in her left eye he doubted he would be shown the exit anytime soon.
"Exactly! It's perfect for making sure that everyone sees your beautiful baby! Wouldn't want those ickle toesie-woesies getting crushed on the New York Subway, now would we?" Her saccharine simpering had a touch of venom to it.
Marshall got the feeling that the woman would crush Marvin's toes herself unless he bought the hideous thing.
"Er…" Before Marshall could formulate a proper sentence, she interrupted his feeble attempt at a protest.
"And it'll let everyone know what a proud and caring father you are!" This was her trump card - the fools fell for it every time. She could practically taste victory.
Marshall narrowed his eyes. He stood up straighter and squared his shoulders. No one went around practically threatening his baby and questioning his fatherly pride!
"And where exactly is the price ticket for this particular item? Because I'm not seeing one." He asked, not letting her interrupt his speech this time. "It wouldn't happen to be that '99.9% off' sale ticket on the floor behind you, would it? Do you know what strict liability for misleading commercial practice is? …I didn't think so. Because I'm pretty sure that tampering with the company's pricing scheme goes against the Geneva Convention's Trade Law Directive: sub-section 48b - Native American infant carriers: 'Thou shalt not bear false witness to customers about reduced price merchandise, no matter how aesthetically unappealing.' - I'm a lawyer, you know." He said, after rattling off the 'citation' at breakneck speed.
Courtney's mouth hung open and she just blinked owlishly at him for a few moments, gaping.
"And the exit would be?" He asked sweetly. Courtney involuntarily glanced to her right. "Thank you." Marshall smiled. He took two steps and then paused, turned around and walked back over to the stunned saleswoman.
"Well, due to the legal situation at hand, I believe that as a near-victim of such unfair practice I am heretofore entitled to full product ownership at a significant discount, and will be enforcing said ownership… right now." With that, he tugged the papoose from her limp grip and pressed a penny into her hand.
As he walked smugly from the store, clutching his prize, he murmured:
"Lawyered!"
A/N Bonus points if anyone knows where the dreaded saleswoman is from! (Yes, we really love making random references.) Why not review and give us your best guess?