A.N. They kiss. I knew it I knew it I knew it. I knew it. I'm not even surprised. I knew it. Damn it I love this ship. My (lame) take on Beckdam based on the new promos that were just released. Let's hope for the best once the new episodes air. I'll go back and correct grammar later. Side note, I love how ff lets you use smaller fonts; too bad I can't force this story to default in a smaller font. Please read and leave a comment! Also, beckdambeckdambeckdam.
Terrify
"Will you be my secret boyfriend?"
Sometimes, he's glad he said yes.
Most times, he wishes he hadn't.
"Hey." You're so beautiful.
"Hi." You're so wonderful.
"How are you?" I want you.
"I'm doing good, but I have to go. I'll catch you later?" I need you.
Simple conversations. But in his eyes she can read everything. In her eyes he can see everything. Simple handshakes and simple greetings. They barely pass as friends and he hates that. He hates how the twinkle in her eyes glues him in place and how he has to force himself to look away. He hates how the boys in school look her up and down and how he can't do anything about it. He hates how his friends tell him he should stay away and how, in the same day, he has her pinned to the wall behind the bleachers after school. He wishes he could mark his name with kisses and he wishes he could stand on top of those bleachers that hide him and hold her until the boys stop staring. But she loves how everyone thinks they're just friends.
In the dark of the theater, her guard drops and she doesn't hesitate to lay her head on his shoulder, to hide in his embrace whenever she feels afraid. Mostly, he tries to focus on the screen, tries to keep his mind off the girl by his side, the girl who he can't get enough of. Her kisses are tender and chaste and he can practically taste her smile. Her arms feel warm and he loves getting lost in them. He loves how perfectly his own arms wrap around her waist and how she leans into him. He wishes he could see her better; the light of the screen is hardly enough and glimpses of her smile don't do her justice. But she loves how the dark hides them.
And he can only take so much.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
His voice is a bare whisper. It's supposed to be a question but it's almost entirely a statement. The way her eyes flicker down and the way she hesitantly bites her lip gives her away.
It's almost funny to him how although he knew the answer already, seeing it still hurt so much. It feels like there's a giant cloud above his head, and every moment with her had been another sunny day, but the summer's ended. He's not ready for the winter. He's not ready for the storm. So he runs off.
He slams the locker as hard as he can, because he wants to show her what she's done. He wants to show her how badly she hurt him, how suddenly she collided with him, how broken he was feeling. She's left in the hallway, alone, and the last thing he hears is her crying. A scoff escapes his lips and he walks away, refusing to look back because she deserves to cry, she deserves to hurt. Maybe she hasn't hurt for a long time. Maybe that's why she's hurting him now.
But she cries every night.
She cries because she doesn't like how everyone thinks they're just friends.
She cries because she doesn't love how the dark hides them.
She's crying because he thinks she's ashamed of him, because she's not.
She's ashamed of herself.
She's ashamed of how she's unable to grab him by the shoulders like she wants to, ashamed of how she can't scream on the top of her lungs, "I love him and he's mine," ashamed of how she can't wrap her mind around him, ashamed of how she feels she'd rather die than tell her parents about him, ashamed of how she can't. She's ashamed of how scared she feels.
The next day isn't much better and he's not in any of her classes, but a small part of her knows where he is. She always has this hunch. Sneaking outside, she sees him sitting on a bench, eyes still clouded and lips drawn taut. Gathering the courage she barely has, she approaches him and he looks away.
"What do you want?"
She takes a deep breath.
"I'm not ashamed of you, Adam. You're a boy between the ears, where it matters."
He looks at her again and a flutter leaps in her stomach, the way it always does.
"I'm just scared." She whispers.
"What are you scared of?" He still sounds a little angry, but he's softened.
"I'm scared that the world will look at you and they won't see the wonderful boy that I see and they'll say things and I don't understand. I can't understand why people can't just let us be."
"I'm scared too. I'm scared that you'll one day wake up and see me and realize you could do much better and you'll leave and nobody would blink an eye at how broken I'd be because they'd never know you and I were happy, once upon a time."
"I could search the whole world for "much better" and I'd just end up finding you again." A grin breaks out on his face and she smiles back because it's true.
"I'm sorry I'm trying to push you past what you're comfortable with."
"No, it's not you, Adam. It's just… Why can't people just let us be?"
"They just need to fall in love." He laughs, "Maybe if they had what we did, they'd understand."
"You love me?"
"I didn't mean to say that," he sounds a little thoughtful before he continues.
"But I guess I do. I love you."
His words make her want to jump.
"I think I love you too."
She doesn't cry that night.
He tries his best to avoid her at school after that. He doesn't want her to feel scared and he wants her to feel comfortable. She should be feeling better, but she's not. A day without seeing his soft eyes and feeling the warmth of his presence hurts her more than she thought possible. The few times they're together and the midnight phone calls don't feel like enough and she prays almost every day for that fear to leave her. She remembers Bible Camp when she was younger and in particular, a younger councilor with bright red hair and a love of turtles and Labrador Retrievers.
"Why does God say to love him and fear him?" She had asked.
"Fear is sometimes a good thing. You can love and fear. They're not contradictory emotions, hon. It's human... it keeps us human."
Feeling human isn't worth it, she thinks. She hates that heavy feeling of doubt, that nagging, lingering shame that sticks to her lungs and weighs down her breaths. Her phone wallpaper is a picture of them and she lies on her bed staring at it, quickly turning the phone off when her dad knocks. She calls him when her dad goes back downstairs and the moment his voice fills the room, she doesn't feel so bad anymore. She thinks she's happy, and that's enough.
It's at a party at Fiona's loft where she notices that she isn't happy. Not completely. They're sitting on opposite ends of the room, trying their best not to interact too much, and looking at the smiling people around her, she feels cold. The music is almost too loud and she sees herself stealing glances at the boy and before long, she's standing up and walking towards him. Grabbing his hand, she pulls him to the dancing crowd and there's a perplexed but relaxed smile on his face.
Everyone's cheering and everyone's distracted but she isn't. She's focused on the boy in front of her and he's laughing at the turn of events, laughing and how he's here with this beautiful girl. She's not supposed smile so much and she's not supposed to be wrapping her hands around his neck. She's not supposed to but she's wonderfully shocked at how natural it feels, how amazing it feels to not be so ashamed.
"What about me being a secret, Ms. Baker?" He smiles, his forehead on hers.
"Screw secrets."
Leaning forward, she fills the space between them and her lips ghost over his lips before landing on his cheek.
It feels like a movie, just almost, and his arms feel so strong and so tender against her and the only sound she can hear is her own heart thumping. People are beginning to take notice but that's the last thing on her mind when the boy's gentle stare is on her.
"Aren't you scared?" He asks.
"I am." She admits, laughing and nervously biting her lip, "Help me out here, Adam."
"What do you want me to do?" He's confused.
She draws closer as her mouth curves up into a smile and she laughs when he grins, his mouth mirroring her own. Her hands softly grasp the back of his neck and he slowly leans forward, his lips just centimeters away from hers.
"Terrify me."