"In our last session you said you felt haunted." Her lips paused around the word as it came out. Today the doctor was wearing a green burlap dress with brown heals. "Exactly how would you describe this feeling?"
Gabriella let out a breath as she thought about it for a moment. "I just do, like I'm trapped in some kind of residual haunting." Gabriella said blankly staring off into the distance. "Whenever I'm walking down a hall way I can swear I hear steps behind me even though I know no one is there. When I'm alone in my room I sometimes feel like someone is standing right behind me." Gabriella looked up at the doctor who was righting some of this down. "I feel someone breathing on my neck." Gabriella let out a shaky breath. "Sometime I can still feel the actual penetration." she whispered in low voice.
The doctor stopped writing. "What goes on when these feeling occur?" she asked bringing her hand up to her chin and leaning forward in her seat."Are you aroused? Are going through your menstrual cycle?"
"No," Gabriella shook her head as she crossed her arms over her breast. "I mean the walls of my vagina actually feel like something is shoving its way through." She closed her eyes and "My body remembers it, just as much as my mind does."
"Involuntary spasm of the muscles around the vagina can usually be caused by anxiety, and can result in vaginismus." The doctor said sitting back in her chair. "It's not uncommon in Rape victims to show signs of it."
Gabriella bit her lip watching as the doctor tapped her legal pad. "This condition affects a woman's ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual intercourse, insertion of tampons and/or menstrual cups, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations." She said offering Gabriella a small smile. "A woman suffering from vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it." she said bringing the pen close to her eye to demonstrate. "Let's keep an eye on this and if it worse there is a cream I can prescribe." The doctor's pen moved furiously across the pad. "Are you sleeping well?"
Gabriella eyes focused on the pen against the paper. A another prescription. More drugs, as if the other five bottles of pill in her night stand wasn't enough. Nowadays there was a pill for everything. A quick fix to a problem, her mouth was dry. "Yes," Gabriella said after a moment. She was currently taking Ambien to sleep through the night.
"Good, good." She said shifting her weight in her chair and resting more on her left side. "How are you and your room mate getting along?" she asked with a polite nod.
"It's… challenging." Gabriella said squinting a bit. "I mean she obviously doesn't like me at all." Gabriella said spreading the hem of her sweater out and picking at the lint. "She's been avoiding me."
"Are you sure?" The Doctor looked at Gabriella with concern. "You might be the one pushing her away."
"I'm not denying it." Gabriella said with a small shrug. "I mean I know I came here because I wanted a change. I know that I wanted people to look at me differently." Gabriella let out a sigh, "It's harder than I thought." Her fingers paused as she now thumbed the hem of her sweater instead.
"That's expected." The doctor tilted her head. "You're going to have to step out of your comfort zone if you expect to see any change." There was more silence. "How is your Work Study?"
Gabriella nodded as she picked a stain in the carpet to focus on. "It's working out, I mean it's not the library." Gabriella said biting her nail. "It's a dark little spot in the student center. Florescent lighting, lots of noise…" Gabriella paused. "It's the scariest place I know."
"Why is it scary?" The doctor asked.
Gabriella bit her lip as she looked at the doctor then at the stain on the carpet. "Because no one would hear me scream,"
"You know, I notice that in the many of the seminars I attend in the business world, that fear, and its various manifestations, are at the root of important and difficult issues." The doctor leaned back in her chair. "The more we can understand and transform fear, the more we can accomplish with less wasted effort." She said with a nod. "I mean Gabriella I don't think you realize but fear can be a useful ally."
"I fail to see how." Gabriella said folding her hands together.
"It can focus us, keep us safe, even at times keep us alive. Fear of illness or injury can motivate us to stop smoking, to exercise, and to eat healthier food. In our communities, it can motivate us to make our air and water cleaner, our bridges and levees stronger, our workplaces safer." The doctor leaned forward with a eager grin. "We can use this?"
"I really don't see how my fear is an advantage, the entire reason I'm here two days a week is because fear has ruined my life." Gabriella said a little frustrated.
"Let break that word down." The doctor said pointing her pen at Gabriella. "F.E.A.R. fear, Fantasy Expectations Appearing Real."
"Fantasies are the last thing I think of when I think of fear." Gabriella said.
"While true, fear can also be an enormous hindrance." The doctor continued in a hasty tone. "Fear can color our world so that a stick can appear as a dangerous snake or an offer of friendship can be perceived as an imposition or even an attack."
"I'm sensing that you're about to make a point based on my lack thereof friendship/fear educed attackers." Gabriella said with forced grin.
"All I'm telling you is that we can fear not getting promoted or losing our jobs; fear what people think about us, or fear that people aren't thinking at all about us. We can fear the loss of a loved one, fear getting older, fear dying. The list of possible fears is almost endless, so it is not surprising that, sometimes without being aware of it, our actions and decisions can become ruled by fear." The doctor said holding up her pen as she ticked it back and forth.
"Which is why I'm here," Gabriella said in a monotone.
"Living with fear can become an accepted and habitual way of being, leading to thoughts and actions that create more fear in a difficult-to-stop chain reaction – in ourselves, in relationships, in businesses and organizations, and in the world." The doctor placed her pad off to the side and put her pen down as she folded her hands together in that way that adults do when they plead that they understand the world through your eyes.
"When we are afraid, our first impulse is to tighten our bodies and shut down our minds." She said with a sigh. "We become the opposite of receptive and playful, and this is an enormous hindrance to learning new skills in the workplace, to collaborating, and to making interpersonal connections."
Gabriella shook her head as she looked at the stain on the floor harder watching as the stain morphed into an image of some distorted dog.
"The impulse to tighten can become so deeply ingrained that we may not even be aware of the ways that we keep ourselves back, or of the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that we communicate our fears to others."
"Stop saying we when you mean me." Gabriella said jerking her eyes up to the doctor. The doctor let out a sigh as she narrowed her eyes towards Gabriella. It was the first indication that she was human, it was an emotion other than boredom and blank expression doctors used to convince you that they were listening instead of rattling off a grocery list or some other mundane reminder that they had set for themselves.
"Reducing fear and opening yourself to new possibilities – surprises, even – is the first step, I believe, toward a more lasting sense of accomplishment." She said pulling her hands apart. "Gabriella I believe that reducing fear can be the first action that frees you to achieve a goal even when, in losing your fear, your goal becomes something very different than anything you could have previously imagined."
"That's all peaches and rose petals but, how do you think one should go about doing it?" Gabriella said crossing her arms.
"Three things." She said holding up her three fingers. "Awareness of fear, Playing with time, and Practicing generosity." She listed ticking away at her fingers.
Gabriella eyebrows arched as she leaned back in her brown chair still refusing the red couch of doom offer.
"Step one, Awareness of fear, you can begin this just by noticing when you are afraid." She said with a swift hand movement. "Where does fear reside in your body; when do you move away from fear and when do you move toward fear? You might even try the practice of inviting your fears in."
Gabriella let out a huff, "So you're asking me to scare myself." She said rolling her eyes.
Choosing to ignore the rude generalization of what she said the doctor continued. "Playing with time and how you think about and relate to time: try noticing the difference between relative time and time that is not relative. Experiment with just doing what you are doing, without trying to get to the next thing. It's not as easy as it sounds Gabriella this is going to be the most challenging."
Gabriella nodded as she continued to listen.
"Practice generosity." She said holding up the last finger. "By helping others, being aware of other's needs and feelings. Notice how this reduces your fear and bring you into a comfortable state of mind."
"What if that other person's needs and feelings involve hurting me?" Gabriella said with cocked expression. "Should I hand them the knife and stand ready for impact?"
"No, by being aware of that person intent can save your life by reducing your fear and time of panic and turning it into action." She said point at Gabriella with a smile. "Life is made up of years that mean nothing and moments that mean it all. What you need are moments that can change those years and by do this you will be able to do that."
Gabriella leaned forward as she wrapped her brain around the concept. "So what you're saying that by allowing myself to learn how to not feed into the fear that I may be feeling, I could potentially be able to be brave and maybe even be able to dismiss those fears?"
"If you're willing to try," the doctor said with a smile.
Gabriella nodded. "Alright."