"When was the last time you had a consensual sexual relationship?" The doctor asked as she studied Gabriella's reaction to the question.
"I can't remember?"Gabriella said after a moment's pause. The room was quite as they stared past each other. Gabriella let out a sigh as she leaned back in the chair. "It's like everything I remember about sex has been replaced."
"Have you experienced Body Recall?"
"I'm not sure I know what that is?" Gabriella said crossing her arms.
"When you first came to me we talked about what you could remember. While your mind remembers a good deal of the assault, you're having problems with memory gaps filtering out your traumatic experiences." She said pointing to her head, "However you're body will remember. The body's memory is a very effective trigger. Some common reactions you might experience are Fear, especially fear of pain, darkness, or suffocation. You might get the sudden need to stop foreplay or intercourse for no "apparent" reason. You might even experience nausea or vomiting before, during, or after sexual activity."
Gabriella nodded her head slowly as she listened carefully.
"This is why you have Panic attacks at sudden triggers, Nightmares, unexplained waking in the night, being startled easily by the sudden sound or appearance of another person." The doctor motioned with her hand as she continued. "All these things are just the tip of the ice berg to what you have waiting in store."
Gabriella shifted in her seat "What are some other things I might be experiencing?" She asked not sure she wanted the answer as she reached a hand up to tuck her hair back.
The doctor paused for a moment, almost as if she wasn't sure she should say, then continued. "You could Cry or have other emotional outbursts before, during, or after sexual activity you could experience dissociating, going out of the body or away from the present time's activities. You might want to shower or bathe often, especially after sexual activity."
Gabriella shoulders felt a stiff. "Do you think it's possible for me to ever be in a sexual relationship again?" She said with a frown as she turned her attention to fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.
"I think that with time and the right partner you could learn to enjoy some kind sexual relationship."
"Some kind?" Gabriella said with tightness in her throat. "It'll never be the same as it was before will it?" she paused to take a deep breath. "I haven't been on a date in two years; I haven't been able to let a man touch me until last weekend." Gabriella reached both her hands up to tuck hair behind her ears. "I see other girls on campus having dinner with their boyfriends, studying together, doing laundry together." Gabriella paused again not sure what she wanted or where she was going with this. "What if I can't get past all this and I never get to experience falling in love, or doing my laundry with someone?" she said wiping a small tear from her cheek. "I mean how do I have that conversation with someone else?"
The doctor waited a moment before she let out a small sound. "In a new or casual relationship you may choose to say nothing about the rape, or you may simply say you've had something upsetting happen and you're not ready to talk about it. Your desire to set limits is healthy, and there is no need to make excuses for yourself or your behavior." The doctor leaned forward to place a hand on Gabriella knee. "You can't think like that Gabriella. You can get past this, you can a normal life with a life partner and children." She said giving Gabriella's knee a gentle rub. "These things will take time but I promise you with support and love you can get past this and enjoy your life."
Gabriella nodded and she wiped her cheek again. They didn't talk for a while, they sat in silence and Gabriella felt her body relaxing a little from the buildup of their conversation. Gabriella eyes wondered over to the stain in the rug. She briefly wondered if the doctor ever had her office cleaned. If maybe right now there was a janitor somewhere in a closet mixing chemicals and declaring war on the stain in her carpet.
"Have you thought about your sexual identity before this session?" the doctor said at last.
Gabriella furrowed her brow and looked back at the doctor.
"Do you wonder about your sexuality?"The doctor sat up a little straighter.
"I like men." Gabriella said raising an eyebrow. "Being raped doesn't convert you, it just makes you cautious."
"Well," the doctor said putting a hand up to slow thing down. "sometimes woman believe that another woman is safer, in the way that there isn't any penetration." The doctor let out a breath and tilted her head to the left as she watched Gabriella bite on her bottom lip. "Gabriella, human sexuality is the capacity to have erotic experiences and responses." She said bring her pen between her hands and holding it with her palms. "Human sexuality can also refer to the way someone is sexually attracted to another person - which is determined by their sexual orientation - whether it is to the opposite sex as in heterosexuality, to the same sex as in homosexuality, having both these tendencies as in bisexuality, or not being attracted to anyone in a sexual manner which is asexuality." There was a brief pause as they stared at each other. "Would consider yourself an asexual?"
Gabriella thought about it for a moment before answering the question, she had never heard the word sex said so many times in such a short time span."No." Gabriella said tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"When was the last time you were physically aroused?"
Gabriella pulled her jacket closed a little to conceal herself as if it would somehow deflect the question. Gabriella thought about Troy, just yesterday she saw him from the window in the Lancer Writing Center. He was in the grass playing catch with Ryan and another dark skin boy she'd yet to meet. She could feel a faint blush come to her cheeks as she remembered biting her lip and watching him remove his shirt and causally toss it to the side. His body reflected a nice gleam of sweat as he brought his arms up and jumped for the ball. Muscles flexed all over as he brought the ball into his chest. She'd give anything to be that ball, to be incased in his arms and protected. Sexually she couldn't recall being aroused but she recalled wanting that comfort and protection. "I don't know," Her eyes drifted to the stain in the carpet.
The doctor sat up and reached for a brochure she had on the table. "I can tell you that many, many people are simply not prepared to manage in an intimate physical or sexual relationship environment after they have been raped or assaulted." The doctor leaned forward as she opened the brochure. "Some people will go to extreme measures to "prove" that the incident didn't effect them too much- and as a result will go to exceptional lengths to assert a promiscuous attitude. Others will simply back away from contact, emotionally or physically- sort of a "grin and bear it" or "run and hide" approach."
"I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone." Gabriella said sitting up a little straighter.
"I know," the Doctor said handing her the brochure.
Gabriella took the brochure the mixtures of red and purple blended together and she looked at the title on the cover. Everyone looked so happy on the cover, it was almost amazing to think that any of these people could have problems. Her thumb grazed the words on the cover YSP. The Youth Service Project, a trauma rehabilitation center for youth.
"Many studies have shown that the hardest relationships to maintain after abuse or assault are the most intimate ones. The victim has a great deal to handle in learning to trust others and feel safe again." The doctor said in a low voice.
"I don't want to go to a group." Gabriella said looking away from the brochure.
"People in your position feel betrayed, worthless, frightened to open up to friends and family, self- judgemental or self-critical, even suicidal." The doctor said clasping her hands together.
Her eyes snapped back to the doctor. "I am not suicidal."
"This facility offers a clinical service." The doctor said leaning back in her chair. "They hand out contraceptions as well as offer a counseling service with a nurse on staff at all times."
"Do you think I'm ready for all this?" Gabriella said placing the brochure to the side.
"It is important that you feel control over the amount and kind of sexual contact that you have. This control can be established by talking to your partner about your feelings." The doctor said with a smile. "Some women choose not to talk to their partner about the assault or sex. This choice is alright if it does not interfere with your recovery from the assault. However, in most cases, it is important to try to take some steps toward communicating even if it's hard to do." The doctor pointed at the brochure, "in that brochure are some common reactions with specific suggestions on how to talk to your partner. You may find that your comfort level changes - one day you may want to have sex and the next day hugging may feel threatening. Or you may want to stick to suggestions. I suggest that you observe and honor your feelings. All of these responses are perfectly normal."
Gabriella picked up the brochure again. "How do I know what my feelings are?"
"Because you are the only one who knows what feels comfortable." The doctor replied. "You might not want any physical contact and in that case you have to tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be together that show caring like cooking meals, taking walks, going to movies, etc." the doctor leaned back in her chair.
"You may want to spend time talking to your partner about what is bothering you, and what you feel good about from day to day. Emphasize the verbal contact."
Gabriella was hesitant, "What if what I want isn't sexual?"
The doctor tilted her head a little to the right "Well, if you don't want sexual contact, but do want other forms of physical contact. You should also tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be physical." She said "remember it is okay to say 'I'm not feeling like having sex these days, but I would like to have physical contact with you.' Then offer up the things you do want and feel comfortable with like massages, hugs, kisses, holding hands, and sitting close when we are watching TV or reading on the couch."
Gabriella nodded as she looked down at the brochure.
"Gabriella?" Gabriella looked back up to see the doctor smiling knowingly. "Don't be afraid to give Troy a chance."