"Many survivors seek the resolution of their traumatic experience within the confines of their personal lives. But a significant minority, as a result of the trauma, feel called upon to engage in a wider world." Gabriella said as she clutched the podium in front of her. Looking out into the sea of people sitting in the library hanging on her every word she took another deep breath and looked down at Troy who was smiling up at her with admiration. "Initially," she continued "I decided to speak out because I was sick of the social stigma that has shamed survivors of rape into silence. I have become impatient from waiting for society to change and make it safer place for survivors to speak out."
"Initially, when I began to speak out, I wanted to send a message about overcoming shame, but found in the aftermath that I still very much felt ashamed and afraid that people would say negative things. I knew intellectually that I had no reason to be ashamed, but if you are a survivor, you know that it can take longer for intellectual truth to reach your gut. Although I am not sorry for any past speaking out activity, I don't know if I was ready in those early days. It's very important that survivors only proceed if they feel ready, not because they think they should."
Gabriella tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you going to be there today?" she asked sitting up in her just her bra, the sheets covering her from the waist down. She smiled over a Troy who lay next to her with a gentle smile on his features.
"Wild dogs couldn't keep me away from being there in the front row." Troy said as he came up on his elbow and placed a small kiss on her shoulder. "You're an amazing woman."
Gabriella let out a sigh as his lips pressed against her soft skin, the feeling of it making her warm inside. She had hopelessly fallen in love with this man despite all her efforts to keep him at arm's length she still ended up trapped by his charm. Captivated in his spotlight that seemed to shine down on her and only her. "Do you love me?"
"I love you so much it takes my breath away." Troy said resting his chin on her shoulder. "Do you love me?"
"Maybe?" she said with a smirk as she looked at their reflection from the mirror hanging on the door to his bedroom.
"Maybe?" Troy said with a playful pout.
"For me, this is the start of change." Gabriella said as pointed to the California Crisis Center's banner behind her. "Why is speaking out about sexual assault a good thing socially?" Gabriella asked a camera went off from the right. "Survivors of sexual assault who publicly speak out push the gears of change forward for the silence that surrounds this crime. The simple act of speaking out can end the false sense of shame that survivors often carry. I know because I've been there." Gabriella looked down at the podium taking a moment to catch her breath. "When I was seventeen I was abducted from sidewalk in the middle of the day. That day August 17th marks the death of innocence Gabriella Marie Montez. But August 18th marks the day of her rebirth. The day I was found on side of the interstate highway clinging to life by a thread. Since then I have gone through therapy, group, loneliness, depression, attempts of suicide and the overwhelming amount of shame that seems the breath from my lungs."
Gabriella shifted in the bed next to him as he adjust himself so he was sitting up beside her taking her hand in his. "When I first saw you I was afraid to meet you." She said slowly rocking towards him and nudging him a little. "When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I was afraid to love you. And now," she said looking at him as her hair shifted and fell down her shoulder. "Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you."Gabriella said with raised brow as she tilted her head to rest against his.
"That's never going to happen." Troy said bringing her hand to his lips and placing a small kiss on the back of her hand. "When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me." Troy said as he lifted her chin towards him so he could look at her brown eyes. "I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're one hell of a woman."
Gabriella eyes landed on Troy again and he nodded his encouragement. His strength somehow helping her stand, helping her keep from shaking like a leaf and from her knees buckling underneath her. "In speaking out about my rape, I have received many warm and heartfelt words and moments from people who felt very isolated but who now know that they're not alone, that they can seek help, and that they can heal. Seeing people's lives changing in this way is one of the greatest fruits my efforts can bear, and I am intensely glad to have used my voice to help facilitate it." she said with a pride. "Sexual assault and its wounds flourish in an atmosphere of secrecy, silence and myth. Speaking out brings it into the light. Your act of speaking out has the power to heal and change on a broader scale than you may know; never doubt it."
Looking back down at her notes she shuffled the paper around in front of her and then looked up again. "You're probably wondering why speaking out about sexual assault is good on a personal level. You might even be thinking isn't embarrassing, terrifying or almost impossible to say the words." Gabriella paused for a moment. "I have experienced the sense that not only does speaking out help other survivors feel less isolated, but that I, too, feel less alone as I step up and join others engaged in the same battle. It is also richly empowering to have transformed my experiences into the ability to offer something worthwhile to other survivors. In speaking out, you become part of destroying the forces that have harmed you. You come to realize that this is my life and even though I could not control that moment I can control my reaction and actions moving forward." She said raising her voice over the applause from the crowd.
"You give any thought to moving in with me," Troy said as he pushed himself up further and nudged her tousled hair off her shoulder so he could place a kiss on the nape of her neck.
"One condition," Gabriella said as she pulled away from him a little to get his full attention.
"That is?"
"We have to buy new bed sheets," she said holding up the one they were currently wrapped in. "These have basketballs on them."
"What, you mean these don't turn you on?" Troy said lifting the sheet to hold it against his chest.
Gabriella let out a giggle as she shook her head, "We also need to buy an actual couch, because that thing out there is an abomination."
"That's two conditions," Troy said sitting up with a little more seriousness.
"And the naked girl poster has to go," Gabriella said motioning to the poster to there left.
"She's not naked?" Troy said.
"A thong does not equal clothing." Gabriella said getting up on her feet and standing over him in the bed.
"What are you doing?" he said watching as she made her way over to the poster. Her panties were fitted to her covering the essentials but leaving little to the imagination. Troy took in a sharp breath from the view.
"You've had this for how long?"
"Freshmen year of college." Troy said a little worried as he braced himself.
"She's past her prime Troy," she said using her right hand to pull the poster from the wall.
"Oh," Troy said with a wince as he dragged a hand through his hair. "You're evil."
Gabriella turned to face him crumpling the poster up in her hands creating a ball.
"You feel good about that?" Troy said standing up as well. "This that's funny?" he said jokingly.
"Hilarious," Gabriella said tossing the ball to the side.
Troy gently tackled her to the bed in a playful manor, both of them erupting with laughter as they went from tickles to kisses, from kisses to soft moans and touches.
The speech had gone well, and people were signing up to help with the safe house project. The room was buzzing with people talking and sharing ideas, trying their best to find ways to help. Gabriella stood with Troy by her side as the reporter held the microphone to her.
"What effect has this had on your personal life?" She asked.
Gabriella smiled as she squeezed Troy's hand for support. "Sometimes after doing an interview, I would feel quite sad, though again, not sorry I did it. It seems to bring the parts of me that were hurt closer to the surface. I mean it always easier to speak honestly to an impartial journalist than somebody closer to me." she said with a small grin to Troy. "Answering questions about what has happened to me as honestly as possible, and providing detail, could be quite triggering. It was necessary to take good care of myself at these times and luckily I have found someone who makes me stronger and loves me unconditionally. I mean in the beginning I did worry about becoming a "professional victim", or the "victim" that the media wheels in when they want a rape story. However, the benefits of speaking out have by far outweighed these concerns, and I certainly do not feel as if speaking out has locked me into a victim identity."
When the reporter left Troy tugged on her hand loosely. "You alright?"
"I'm alright," Gabriella said with a deep breath.
"Are you hungry?" Troy said with a small smile as he wrapped an around her waist bringing her closer. "Zeke and Taylor are going to the pizza parlor they asked if we wanted to tag along? Even offered to pay seeing as who it's your big day."
Gabriella smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm so tired but surging with Adrenaline at the same time you know?"
"Speaking in front 200 or so people can do that to a person," Troy said with pause.
"Do you think it was successful?" Gabriella asked.
Troy looked around at all the people walking around them. Groups of people huddled together, individuals at the table filling out information. "I think it went really well," Troy said placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Better than anyone would have expected and you were amazing."
"I hugged a lot of people today," she said as they began to walk to the door.
"You did," he said with a chuckle as he used his free hand to push the door open for them.
"Maybe I should re-think this whole living with one man thing?" she said as she came out into the fresh air. "I mean at this rate I could be dating three men at once by Christmas."
"Hey, hey, hey" Troy said pulling her by the arm closer to him. "Slow down there." He said as he brushed some of her hair to the side. "We made conditions, a poster has killed." Troy said with smirk, "We've gone too far to turn back now."
"I guess," she said with a smile as she took his hand in hers.
"You guess," Troy said bringing a finger to bop her nose. "Come on let's go get in on this supposedly free pizza thing before they come to their senses and realize how much I can eat."
Gabriella let out a laugh as she followed him falling into step as she walked beside him.