Chapter 9 -Surviving

BPOV

I felt stupid sitting in the tree waiting for a goddamned elk to arrive. And after a few minutes I was getting extremely uncomfortable as well, the branch I was on was being wedged up my ass like a too small g-string. Not to mention it was fucking 5am and that one cup of coffee wasn't going to do. But I wasn't going to complain - at least not out loud. I knew very well why I was here. Jasper wanted me to fully comprehend what it was like being a vampire so if I chose to become one, I'd know exactly what my choice entailed. So I kept my mouth shut and my fidgeting to an absolute minimum.

To be honest, I was quite curious about how it was going to go. In my mind, Jasper hunting would be a thing of beauty, like a lion taking down a gazelle on the African plains. As soon as I noticed the herd of elk approaching I froze and kept my breathing as quiet as possible. Suddenly Jasper was gone and the animals started off in every direction. That's when I noticed he had moved and was now holding a struggling beast in his hands. He looked up at me and I nodded. I was too far away to see his eyes, but I could imagine their blackness and suppressed a shiver. For what happened next, it was hard not to avert my eyes. He buried his face in the neck of the animal and there was this tearing noise followed by a piercing wail coming from the elk's throat. I never knew an animal could make such a human sound. The wail was soon replaced by an even worse gurgling until it finally stopped. I considered myself glad Jasper's back was between me and the actual wound, because I was getting nauseous enough as it was. Hunting turned out to be quite different from what I had imagined.

When the elk was clearly dead, I scrambled down the tree to wait for Jasper to come to me. No way was I staying on that branch a second longer than necessary. I was trying to forget the whole terrifying scene before me by focusing on how perfect his ass looked in those jeans when his head abruptly swept in my direction. He stood up and walked over to me in a weird crouch and for a moment I thought he was trying to scare me. But when he came closer and I could see the blackness in his eyes, I almost didn't recognize him. All that was human in them had vanished, and only the animal remained. The fear I was supposed to have for him from the beginning was now gripping my chest like a vice. He was hunting me now.

My mind went into overdrive trying to figure out a possible escape route. I knew running wasn't an option and I doubted pleading with him would do any good. That was what any human prey would do. And that's when I knew I had to stop making him think I was his prey. I started trying to replace all the fear in me with lust. Gathering the lust wasn't that hard because he looked truly magnificent, like the warrior he was. I wasn't able to get rid of all of the fear, but it was enough to make him stop approaching me. There was a look of caution in his eyes for I did something no potential kill had ever done before. Before he had the time to push that caution aside and attack me anyway, I took off my sweater and shirt, remembering what he had said about his black eyes. Sex and blood are what make them look like that. So I hoped he'd choose the former.

I took off the rest of my clothes and slowly walked up to him, holding onto as much lust as I could. He was still frozen in the same spot, like a statue, eyes fixed on me. There was not a glint in them that showed any recognition, but I was still alive, so I went on. When I reached him, I dropped to my knees and unbuckled his belt. I unzipped his pants and pulled them down, taking his boxers as well. An ominous growl was coming from his throat, making my hands tremble as I took hold of his cock. I took all of him in my mouth at once and felt a shudder going through his body.

There was a whirl of movement and I was on all fours. Before I realized what he was doing, his dick was already fully buried inside of me. I had known this might happen since I thought of my plan, but it still hurt like hell, stretching me while I was unprepared. I tried to focus again on my lust for this man and pushed the pain to the background. I was so close to surviving now, and I wasn't giving up. His last thrusts were so powerful that my teeth clattered together. Then, it was over.

I didn't dare move when he pulled out, fearing his bloodlust might take over again. I was trembling slightly when I felt a soft caress on my back.

"Isabella?" he whispered almost too softly for me to hear.

Relief washed over me, replacing the fear, and it was more than I could take. My arms wouldn't support my weight any longer and I dropped to my stomach, sobs shaking my entire body. All the pent up fear, humiliation and relief came out at once and I could do nothing else but lie on the ground and cry. Jasper didn't try to replace my feelings. Instead, he turned me around and cradled me in his arms. He didn't speak a word and I was grateful for that, because there was nothing he could say at that moment that would make this situation alright.

When all of my tears were finally spilled, I took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes. The guilt, regret and surprisingly love that crashed into me were almost more than I could handle. I quickly closed my eyes, shutting it out. After a moment I reopened them, this time bracing myself so I could stand to look at him. I could hold his gaze, withstanding the emotions, knowing they were his and not mine. How it was possible for me to feel them in the first place, I didn't know, but I was glad I felt them for now I understood him a bit more.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I fucked up."

"I know."

"Maybe it'd be best for you to return to your old life and let Charlotte erase your mind," he told me, trying to keep his voice cold, but failing. "I'm too dangerous to be around. You should leave."

He averted his eyes and I could feel him tensing up around me, ready for me to speak the words that would separate us forever. He looked utterly lost; I had never seen him this vulnerable before and it awakened something inside of me. I was falling in love with this damaged, burdened, guilt-ridden man, despite what had just happened between us.

"No," I said, my voice steadier than I thought it would be.

He looked at me in surprise and in his red and golden eyes I saw what I needed to see. Love and hope. And in that moment, I knew my choice was right. I did love him as he loved me, and nothing else mattered.

There was no need for words. I didn't even have a clue what to say and I guess he didn't either. He picked me up very carefully and carried me to the car. He found a blanket in the trunk and draped it around me as he buckled me up in the passenger seat. We drove the whole way back in silence. About halfway through the drive I must have fallen asleep because I woke up as Jasper was carrying me into the bathroom. He had filled the tub for me and I laid thankfully in the hot water, relaxing my sore muscles. Sensing my need to be alone, Jasper had left. I hoped he didn't go far though, because we were going to need to talk once I was finished with my bath.

I found him on our bed wearing a fresh set of clothes, staring up at the ceiling. He sat up when I came in and motioned for me to sit next to him.

"I have no idea what to say," I admitted to him after a couple of minutes of silently staring into each other's eyes.

"Why don't you start with being mad at me for what I did," he proposed and I smiled.

"I don't think I can be mad at you for acting like what you are," I said sadly. "But I do understand what you are better now. And I kind of hate it."

"Yeah, me too," he sighed. He looked away in frustration, nothing like the confident cowboy or fierce predator I'd come to know. He lay down on his back and started staring at the ceiling again. I laid down next to him, in the crook of his arm, and we were silent again for some time.

"I don't know what to do, Jasper," I sighed after a while. "I'm in this fucked up situation where I want to stay with you, but the only way to do it is to become something I'm starting to hate."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, sensing all my fears, doubts and hate. And suddenly, I realized it didn't matter. All of the hate towards what he was, the doubt about staying, about becoming a vampire, it didn't matter. Because there truly was no choice. It was too late. I could never give him up again. I sat up and looked at him.

"Don't be sorry," I said. "I'm in love with you and I'm old enough to realize that loving someone means sacrifices. I just didn't think I'd be giving up my life and my humanity."

"I feel like such a selfish bastard right now, you have no idea. I love you too and want to keep you with me, but I never thought I had everything to gain and nothing to lose with what I was proposing."

I nodded. There was nothing I could say to that. But I didn't resent him for it and he felt it. I kissed him gently on the lips and he hugged me tightly. Were it not for the almost being murdered and the subsequent rape, it might have been the most romantic moment of my life. My life's fucked up. But at least I was with the man I loved. God, that sounded cheesy even in my mind.

I disentangled myself from him, because there was one more thing I wanted to discuss with him.

"There's one more thing, Jasper. No more secrets. We both haven't been entirely honest with each other and that ends today. We're both far more fucked up than we have been pretending to be and I can't take it anymore."

"You're right, darling. If you are ready to tell me about your past, I'm ready to tell you mine. Are you sure?"

I nodded and took a breath. I felt myself getting unnaturally calm and confident, the final nudge I needed for talking about my past. And then it just came out in one big rant. How I met Edward in class where he was my biology teacher and how he immediately showed an interest for me. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen, but also deep, eloquent and well-read. Or at least I thought he was. I was so dazzled by his personality, I lost myself in him. He was extremely charming in the beginning, leaving presents in my locker, taking me out on harmless, romantic dates; simply doing everything to make a teenage girl fall in love with him. Nobody knew about us, since it was illegal, but I didn't care about that. I lost all of my friends, ignoring them until they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He turned me against my mother, urging me to stay away at night to spend time with him, telling me she didn't have my best interest at heart, and that he did. He took my virginity after a very romantic date and at the time, I wanted nothing more. After that, he started to become more controlling and dominant. I wasn't allowed to have any hobbies, see any other people and he expected me to attend to his every wish. He never physically abused me, but the emotional abuse was what made me break free in the end.

Thinking back to all those times I had been living in utter darkness, it made me relive every mind-breaking moment. I wanted to keep talking, but I completely choked up. The worthlessness that had been the predominant feeling during those two years resurfaced and I felt like I was drowning. My breathing was coming in short, shallow gasps; a panic-attack wasn't far off. Instead of calming me down with his gift, Jasper took my head between his hands and forced me to look into his eyes.

"Breathe, Bella," he urged me and I wanted to for him. He told me that I was worth it and that I was beautiful and brave. I stopped listening to what he was saying; I just concentrated on his voice calming me down. And it worked.

"I think I'm okay now. Thanks." I felt a little embarrassed, but he quickly wiped that out with more confidence thrown my way.

"Why didn't you calm me down with your gift?" I asked curiously, thinking how much faster that would have been.

"This was something you needed to experience in order to move on. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to shelter you from every bad feeling there is in the world."

With that statement I knew he was back to his old self. It was crude, but honest, full of confidence and it showed me he cared for me. This and the confidence boost made it possible for me to tell the next part, the hardest part, the part that made me feel like I was a worthless whore.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath and punched the pillow lying next to me. Jasper smirked at me, but I noticed him tensing up, as if to brace for impact. He really was in tune with how I felt.

"Okay, I'm just going to tell you straight out," I started. "I was his sex slave."

Jasper tensed just a fraction more and then nodded. I let out my breath and went on.

"He always told me sex was the only thing I was good at; that I could make a career out of it if I wanted to. He kept telling me how stupid I was and how I should thank him for staying with me and I believed it. And when he expected things of me I couldn't even imagine at that time, I felt like I had no choice but to obey. I had no friends, my mom had finally cut me off and there was simply no place for me to go. But still, if it had been like that all the time, I would have gotten out sooner. When he had treated me extremely bad, he went back to his charming old self, telling me how much he loved me, giving me presents, going out on romantic dates and I forgave him for everything. And then after a couple of weeks, he became a jackass again."

It felt good, finally sharing this, but it was hard not to feel ashamed of how naïve I had been. Jasper radiated understanding and love and that made me feel infinitesimally better.

"What made you finally leave him?" he asked. "Did he change for the worse?"

Concern edged his voice, and it was quite endearing, actually. All of a sudden, I was proud of myself that I had changed instead of Edward.

"No. One day my English teacher returned an essay to me and it shocked me. I had an A plus. It was a rewrite of the fairytale of Rapunzel, but instead of the prince coming to rescue her, he had locked her into the tower. She got away by cutting off her hair, making it into a rope and climbing down herself; not waiting to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. The teacher wrote as a comment that it was very well written, but a little too cynical for a girl my age. And then it dawned on me that I was that princess and the only way I would be able to get out was by doing it myself."

Reaching this stage in my story, I was finally able to smile and when I looked into Jasper's eyes, my pride was reflected back to me. All I had been through had made me stronger, the person I was today and there was no reason anymore to deny my past.

"When I got home from school that day, I packed my bags, called my dad to ask if I could live with him and I was on a plane the next morning. I've never seen Edward since and I've never felt so free."

AN: This chapter goes with a special thanks to my new personal grammar nazi mcruscito! Don't hate me for what I made Edward into, but I know you're all true Jasper girls at heart, so I hoped you wouldn't mind ;).