This is a work of fanfiction, and I in no way get anything other than fun and pleasure from it. I love your reviews, and suggestions, so I view that and the fun I'm having writing it as all the payment I need.
Many grateful thanks to Chef Diamondheart for her magnificent beta mojo, and thanks to all reviewers and the feedback they provide. Seriously, you're all awesome and make this way more fun.
sub·li·mat·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin sublimatus, past participle of sublimare
Date: 15th century
1 a : sublime 1 b archaic : to improve or refine as if by subliming
2 : to divert the expression of (an instinctual desire or impulse) from its unacceptable form to one that is considered more socially or culturally acceptable
Bella POV
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Jake shifted around and settled his warm arms around me; a breezy night was settling in, but none of the damp, sea-chilled air could touch me. With his strong body supporting me, I leaned back and listened intently to Billy's incredible storytelling, all the while pleasantly aware of Jacob's enveloping heat.
I sighed and leaned into him fully, tucking my body up near him. Jake's long legs found comfortable - and respectful - positions on either side of me. I smiled thinking that my dad would be pleased to see us so close, especially with Jake's hands remaining in plain sight. That would satisfy his need for plausible deniability. Knowing Charlie, I was certain we had his blessing, but that he would prefer to be spared the details.
Jake nuzzled the back of my head, inhaling against my hair, his heated breath caressing my neck. I shivered against him and heard him snicker at me, his chest hardening and the muscles round against my back. I elbowed him right in the ribs and I heard an "Oof!" when I made contact. I giggled at him in return.
Suddenly I was aware of an audience to our little show when Quil, who was sitting just a few feet down from us and leaning on the same log, snorted, coughing a little to hide it. Jake gently raised an arm off me, smoothly swung back and popped his old friend on the back of the head. I choked back my sniggering as Quil held back a spit gag, sputtering on the painful foam his jostled mouthful of soda generated. Jake just rumbled a soft laugh at his friend, smiling against the back of my head.
With the intensity turned down a little, we both relaxed again.
Billy was finishing his tales by reminding everyone in attendance that stories were always being lived, and our lives may someday become part of the histories and legends of the tribe. It was a nice sentiment, and a reminder to the youth that they were being watched.
"Hey Jake, I need to talk to my dad before he leaves." I poked him lightly in the ribs again and he lifted his arms off me and hopped up fast to sit on the log. He reached out a hand to hand to help me stand up and as I rose I found myself eye to eye with Jacob- a novel position since his recent growth spurts. I broke away with a little smile and squeezed his big hand before releasing it to turn and walk to my dad.
"Hi Dad," I said lightly, knowing full well he'd been watching us like a hawk.
"Hey. Enjoy the story time?" He raised an eyebrow at me and I was suddenly thankful for the warm, dim light of the bonfire, hoping it would hide my reddened face.
"Yes, Billy is pretty amazing. Are you still going fishing tomorrow? I can take special requests now if you have a preference for dinner." When trying to change the subject with Charlie, food and fishing make excellent gambits.
"I was thinking we could invite Billy and Jake over? Make it a nice evening before I have to go back to work on Monday?" My dad is no fool. He knows I can cook for a small army when I need to, and the three of them qualify in some countries.
I nodded, wondering which of my favorite recipes I'd whip out. The basic fry? Or maybe throw in a little cajun seasoning and heat it up? There was always the Italian style with the stewed vegetable sauce. Then it hit me: Charlie was making me plan something. I glanced at him and he had the tentative start of a smile on his face. I gave him a smile in return, and his widened and he reached down to hug me. I had just mended a big fence with my father. I hadn't cooked beyond boiled pasta and jarred sauce or whatever came in a box for months. Now he was encouraging me to plan, execute, and serve. Granted, they were our oldest friends who would forgive me if I served boiled shoe leather, but it was an effort I had not made in some time.
Charlie released me and seeing my comprehension of his plan, nodded at me in approval, a telltale shine to his eyes. I could feel my own eyes tingle and burn a little; I quickly daubed them with the corner of my sleeve as Charlie helped Billy's chair out of the sand and towards the car.
I watched them load up and, squinting against the glare of the headlights, waved and smiled as Charlie drove away; I could hear the crack and crunch of the gravel under the tires as he went. I felt warm air move beside me and I drew a deep breath.
"Hey Jake." I didn't even need to look to know it was him.
"Are you okay Bells? You looked a little upset. Everything okay?" His voice was genuine and concerned. I looked up at him, pushing my hair out of the way.
"No, Jake. I'm great. I think I'm having the best night of my life."
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Jake POV
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I was finishing giving Quil a final round of crap for watching and laughing at us, two separate infractions if you ask me, and looked around for Bella. She was hugging Charlie more warmly than I'd seen in a long time, possibly ever. While she was dating that Cullen guy, she and Charlie always seemed to be in a pissing match. She took good care of him and all, but everything she did seemed to push his buttons then, and he simply had no idea how to cope with it. Then when the guy left...
I didn't see Charlie much during that time, but I heard half of the phone conversations he had with my dad. Something about possible abuse, manipulation, or even suspected rape by the Cullen guy. I had to leave the house during that phone call, I felt so sick. Charlie had nearly started a posse to find them and I might have joined if I'd had a chance, just to know he could never hurt her again. Then it was comments about a zombie, just going through the motions, and fooling everyone but not him. Bella is a lousy liar, and her dad is the Chief of Police. Granted, its just Forks, but it's still a position that you have to know how people work to be able to do.
They let go and exchanged silent looks the way they do and Charlie headed off to help my dad back to the car. I saw Bella wipe her eyes and went over to her as fast as I could to check on her.
And she said the most wonderful I thing I've ever heard.
"No, Jake. I'm great. I think I'm having the best night of my life."
That might even be better than her laugh. She said it with a smile that made me grin like a moron. The firelight shimmered on her hair and lit up her face, making her eyes glitter in the reflected flames.
She took a step towards me and lightly wrapped her arms around my waist in a hug.
I was still a little stunned.
After enough time passed that I'm sure she began to wonder what was wrong with me, I lifted my arms and wrapped them around her. I stroked her fire-warmed hair and inhaled the aroma she carried, mixed now with the faint brine of sea mist.
Bella leaned her head back a bit and was about to speak when I ducked my head in for a quick kiss. The soft peck surprised her, but she smiled and recovered.
"Dad says you're coming for dinner tomorrow. If they have a good day, we'll be having a fish dinner. If they don't I can come up with something!" She was preening a little now. Was she excited about cooking?
"If it's food, I'm there. If you're cooking, I'll try not to get a speeding ticket on the way!"
I saw the next part of the bonfire getting set up. It involved connecting the extension cords to a generator and getting the stereo hooked up. Dancing was the usual end for the evening of a bonfire and normally I liked to join in, but I saw Jared and Paul walk back towards the bonfire from the woods. Paul was eyeballing me again and Jared cast occasional disinterested glances, paying more attention to the copper skinned girl looking at someone's CD collection and consulting him.
"Bells, they're going to fire up the music, do you want to dance?" I wouldn't mind staying for a few songs, but I wasn't sure I wanted to be Paul's sideshow any more today, but I made the offer anyway.
"Um, maybe one or two, if they're slow. I don't think anyone wants to see me dance any faster than a sway, and I don't know how quick you can get to a doctor from out here. I can be dangerous!" That Bella Swan was offering to dance was shocking and at any other moment I'd be jumping like an idiot and looking for a high five, but I felt the eyes on us.
She looked up at me, her eyes still catching the firelight. I felt awful to turn down something I'd dreamed of since her prom with that jerk, but I glanced and caught Paul's hot stare.
"Bells," I whispered " I think I'd rather leave now. Those guys are here and I feel a little uncomfortable. Do you just want to walk a bit? I could use a stretch. I just don't want them watching me or us right now."
She exhaled and smiled at me. Relief was plain on her face. "Oh thank God, Jake. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but I really wasn't up for that tonight."
We left the party as it wound up, fifteen or twenty bodies dancing in various styles to the blues-y music that was bouncing off the trees and mixing with the sound of the water lapping on rocks. We didn't walk far, and frankly I think we were both tired. We talked about the stories my dad told, and she got very quiet when I recounted the tales of the Cold Ones. She perked up at the introduction of the Protectors.
"That's nice. There should be balance in things. I like the idea of a spirit that can protect its people from such a threat. And the Third Wife," she got a faraway look in her eyes. "She was so brave and giving to her people."
I snorted, "You would admire her. And yes, it was brave, but her husband became the wolf and never changed back. The loss of her made him lose his desire for being human. I'm not sure if that's romantic or scary and sad."
Bella smiled and hopped up on a branch of driftwood, walking on wobbly ankles like it was a balance beam while holding my hand for stability.
"It's all of the above. Love is romantic, sad, and sometimes it's very, very scary. And that's okay." She spoke calmly but with the faintest sound of regret in her statement.
As she walked on the sloping branch she was at my shoulder height, then chin height, and finally her little heart face was at the same level as mine and she stopped walking. She tilted her head to one side, looking at me carefully.
"Do you think there's more?" Her question was searching.
"More to love, you mean?"
She nodded her head, straightening it to look at me head on, her hair resting on her shoulder in a little pile as she did. I reached up and pushed it back to fall behind her.
"Of course there is. Love can't just be romance. Romance is great," I paused, wanting to convey my hopes for us, but terrified of scaring her away: her transformation had been so recent. I repeated, "Romance is great, but a foundation has to be there, or romance is just a game. Games can be fun, but you have to have something real. Reality can be romantic, too, but it's different. Did you see the couples there at the bonfire that brought their babies? Do you think they have time for candlelight or long dates?" She shook her head, listening very closely.
"But they were here, they were smiling, and they went home, probably to a long night of the baby waking up and crying, or throwing up on them. They knew that, and they came anyway and enjoyed being here, right?" A head nod, now.
"Do you know why that is, Bella? I've grown up around babies and young couples. Heck, most of the babies here tonight were related to me somehow and have thrown up on me at some point." She giggled at that. "Do you know why those people still look at each other with love?"
She shook her head no, but very slowly, "Why? Please tell me how they make it without... you know... perfection."
I smiled and brushed her cheek with my knuckles.
"It's because tomorrow morning those husbands will remember to put enough milk and sugar in their wife's coffee. Those wives will make sure there's enough meat for a good sandwich and not worry if there's a sock on the floor." I paused, trying to find the right words. "Perfection is what makes you feel happy, not what looks happy."
She was thoughtful, a light smile playing on her lips and she started giggling.
"So love is about milk and cold cuts? Is that what it's all about?" She poked me teasingly in the shoulder a little and then lifted her arms to rest on mine. She shifted her gaze and looked at me deeply and expectantly.
"Of course it is. That and family, friends, community, stories, bonfires, walks on the beach, sandy shoes, fish frys, spaghetti dinners, beat up old trucks, covert motorcycle maintenance and warm soda. That's what it's all about."
I hadn't really meant to go on like I did. There was something about the look on her face and the little round shape her mouth had taken on as my little speech got closer to home. She had to know how I felt, how I'd always felt.
Her eyes sparkled in the faint glimmer from the bonfire, now some distance away. The breeze picked up and she blinked hard as a strand of hair blew by her eyes, forcing a single tear to fall.
"Tears can fall, but they should never hit the ground." I whispered as I brushed the tear off her cheek. Her breath came out in a rush as she pulled me to her for a hard kiss. It was brief but intense and made my heart pound before she tucked her head toward my neck and held me tightly.
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Bella POV
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As I clung to Jacob's neck all he had said flew through my mind over and over again. He may not realize what he said and all it implied for me, but it made an impact that could not be denied.
Romance with no foundation was a game. I didn't believe that He was merely playing a game, but seeing the community at the bonfire, having the conversation I did with my father, seeing the couples with their babies, and watching the swaying embraces of the dancers made me ask myself a very difficult question.
Where was Edward's foundation? He had Carlisle and Esme, who were without doubt wonderful parents, but for all intents and purposes he was relatively alone in his world. He had told me there were so few like him and his family, and those who were not like them were wilder, more feral and dangerous. Maybe there was something I wasn't seeing, but he really had a pretty empty life compared to the somewhat shabby but cheerful and busy crowd I mingled with this evening. They had limited funds in many cases, but I didn't know anyone richer than the people around here. None more so than the young man holding me right now.
I was pretty sure no one at the bonfire tonight would ever need to vicariously celebrate a birthday through me.
That thought made me feel a twinge of guilt. I didn't want to be mean or ungrateful, they had been so kind at every turn. My improved wardrobe could testify to that, even if I really hadn't delved into it lately. They had stunning beauty, amazing talents, could speak eloquently on nearly any topic due to their years of time to research and expansive minds to digest it. It was certainly seductive, but was it full and good?
Could it be that the Cullens, with all their attributes and material wealth, had…envied me, somehow?
I leaned back from Jake's warmth and felt the cool night breeze. I shivered a bit and then was overtaken by a yawn. Opening the store had me up early and I'd been awake ever since with almost no down time. Jake chuckled at me and helped me down off my perch.
"You are going to feel awful if you don't get some sleep soon. I expect an excellent dinner tomorrow, and I want you well rested so you have the energy to do it." I huffed at him and he just laughed more.
"Plus I want to stay on Charlie's good side by not keeping his precious daughter out so late that the bags under her eyes come back. They only just went away, you know." A sad smile touched his face and I imagined he was recalling all that Charlie went through with me since fall.
His concern for my father's feelings made my heart ache. Edward never gave Charlie more than a passing thought; with the clarity of hindsight, I realized that many of his placatory gestures were highly manipulative and he had encouraged me to distance myself from my father. I had always been uneasily aware that Charlie would have been furious over all the nights Edward had spent with me, in my bed, yet I had allowed myself to be persuaded.
"Jake, thank you. Let's head back."
We walked back, his arm loosely around me and we glanced at the dancers again as we passed the bonfire area. A few couples had disappeared, and the ones still there exchanged looks and touches that suggested they wouldn't be there much longer either.
We shouldered back all the things we'd left on the beach, shaking out the blankets when we got to the car and getting showered in grit that made us laugh as we brushed it off. After we tossed the mess into the trunk Jake led me gently by the hand to the passenger side, opening the door and helping me in. He did these little things without flourish, just his way of being with me.
Jake came in the house with me to say goodnight to my dad; they exchanged guy pleasantries and Charlie repeated the invitation to dinner which was predictably and enthusiastically accepted. My dad actually clapped Jake on the back in an affectionate manner as I walked him to the door. Charlie made a show of excusing himself back to the living room, but I heard him shuffling around as I opened the door for Jake.
"I had a wonderful day, Jake, thanks. So you'll be here for dinner, let's say around 5:30? You can help me put the finishing touches on dinner and I may need a hand getting it out once I have everything ready."
"We'll be here. And think about what I said. I really meant it. All of it."
Jake was leaning toward me, still in the house and in full view of my dad if he had lurked near the walkway, and lightly kissed me. His soft lips lingered longer than a little goodnight kiss and I felt my face warming as he slipped out the door saying goodnight.
Charlie snickered behind me. I turned slowly.
"Not a word, dad. You and Billy are going to gossip and rake us over the coals someday. Not tonight. I'm too happy and tired." I planted my foot forward and headed to the stairs, pausing as I walked by my dad.
"Good night, dad. I love you."
I heard his breath catch for the second time that night.
"I love you, too, Bells. Night."
He casually headed back to his chair as I climbed the stairs. I may not have vampire hearing but I swear I heard him thank Jacob under his breath.
I took a warm shower to chase any remaining chill from the night away and as the water washed the sea salt out of my hair and made my cold toes tingle I did as Jacob requested. I thought about what he said.
It wasn't as easy to do without him standing next to me. My anxiety made me waver in my convictions, which so recently had undergone a monumental shift. Until just a few weeks ago I had been sure of what I wanted, going so far as planning to recruit any willing vampire to change me. I imagined doing things to get Alice's attention to force her to contact me and convincing her to do it. But I needed to make my mind release these thoughts. No matter what happened, if Edward said it was over, then it was over, right?
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Sam POV
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The mental screams of shock and pain had begun to fade as he adjusted to the space he occupied. The first shift was amazingly disorienting, and the first time a new member did it threw us all into a similar lurch, creating an intense incentive to calm the new mind linked to our own.
"Embry, stop running. You're almost in Olympia!" Jared knew Embry better than I did, and I didn't want to force him to stop by command unless he was endangering someone. It was better for him to exercise his control rather than be under duress because his body followed orders without his consent.
"What the hell? What the hell? Help me, someone, damn it!" Embry had come to himself a few hours before; not realizing the speed he now possessed, he had kicked up divots in the ground on a wild career all the way through the park to the Sound. The pain of the initial phase had faded and he was running in circles and falling over himself, wild and out of control; we had all done nearly the same.
We peered through his mind and saw with his own eyes. He was surrounded by woods thankfully appearing untouched by human presence. He bashed his head on a branch, tearing it cleanly from a big tree and crashing to the ground. We all winced at the scrape it left in Embry's head and redoubled our efforts to find him. While we were thankful for the lack of things he could really damage, the dearth of identifiable features was frustrating us.
Paul yipped. "I have a trail! Follow me! He's only a few more miles this way"
I guarded my thoughts from Paul and was thankful for his bullheaded nature. He may be a prick, but he was driven to protect his pack in a potent and fierce way. Embry would have to deal with a lifetime of teasing and relentless bullshit from him, but Paul would die for him, too.
Now it was time to give orders.
"Embry! Lie down right now and relax. We're coming for you." I felt him freeze and a wave of submission wash his battered and confused mind, swiftly followed by relief. Like any canine, we need the command of an alpha. Without guidance there is chaos and confusion. His mind and his spirit wolf had accepted me as its leader and gratefully submitted. His breathing evened out and the panic subsided.
Paul was the first to the little clearing Embry had created with his thrashing. I arrived moments later to broken boughs from pines, branches with their leaves dashed away, and gouges deeply cut in the spongy forest floor. The smell of the loam was sharp and rich.
Embry's shaggy coat was matted with mud and bits of soil. We would need to clip his hair the moment he could take human form again. Leaves and twigs stuck here and there gave the impression that he was wearing a sniper's gilly suit. As I approached he lifted his head and then tucked his nose downward slightly in another submissive gesture. I padded forward and set my head over his, touching my chin to the top of his head for a moment before stepping back and addressing him.
"Get up Embry. Are you okay? Do you know what has happened to you?"
"Sam? You're Sam Uley? I have fur!" Embry was more disoriented that I realized.
"Yes, I'm Sam Uley. Paul is here and Jared is on his way. Do you know how you got here?"
"Sort of. I hurt all over, like all my bones were breaking, and then suddenly I had to run. Voices in my head told me to slow down. Then you told me to stop, so I did. Why did I stop? Why do I have fur? Why am I a dog?" His bewilderment would have been almost comical if not for the abject tone of his thoughts.
I sighed. I had to backtrack a lot for this one. He was starting to panic again so I told him to calm himself, and he immediately went limp and deepened his breathing.
"Embry, when was the last bonfire you went to that Billy Black told stories at?" He was immediately confused.
"Maybe a month or two ago?"
"Do you remember the stories?" I was going to go for broke with him. I didn't have time to eggshell this. I had to get him safely as a human by Friday in time to deal with Jacob.
"Yes. There's lots of stories, but he's been telling the one about the ancient Cold Ones, the Protectors, and the spirit wolves a lot lately." I watched as Embry's mind replayed scraps of his memories of Billy on a log or his wheelchair telling stories. Snippets flickered by on fast forward and he recalled bits of the stories, his mind obviously enamored of the idea of a warrior spirit protecting it's people and a recollection from childhood of playing werewolves with Jacob and chasing his sisters. I smiled at the last.
"You have a good memory, Call. Do you remember why the spirit wolves came back after the first Cold Ones were destroyed?"
"Uh, some came back. The new wolves formed the Second Pack. They were all, um, descendants of the First Pack?"
Embry was still confused, but I could feel his suspicion creeping in. I made the final connection for him. "And Ephraim Black was the Alpha of the Third Pack, who made the treaty with the tame Cold Ones, and after they left, the pack disbanded."
His black eyes glimmered in the darkness and I felt shock and realization blast from his mind. His body lurched and he vomited violently, adding to the mess stuck in his matted coat. He connected all the dots in a few quick seconds and it was too much for his body to handle. The exhaustion from his first run, the pain of the phase, and the complete realignment of reality was too much.
At least someone was there to help him. I did this alone. I was in the woods for a very long time before Billy realized what was happening and he came out to the edge of the woods with a giant bowl of food and some shorts. He quite literally talked to me until I was able to come near him, whimpering the whole way. I replayed my first phasing in my mind to remind myself of the challenge and for Embry's benefit. He wasn't alone. He had friends who knew exactly what he was going through.
I had been half starved and swallowed the food Billy offered nearly whole. He left the shorts on a branch near the house to use when I was ready. He told me to rest and come back the next night. He talked me through the ordeal, somehow knowing what was happening.
After what seemed like an eternity, I achieved my human shape and limped to Billy's house. Jacob had been at school, and I showered and slept on the couch much of the day, waking only to eat. Billy had called Harry Clearwater, another elder and the father of my fiancée, to let him know that I'd changed back. So Harry knew. Later I came to understand that there was a core of Elders who were our confidants, champions, and guards. I was the first, soon followed by Paul, and a few weeks later, Jared, as clumsily as it went. We were expecting Jacob months ago, but were joined by Embry.
Embry had relaxed again, and was watching me in wonder, understanding fully and accepting his new role, whatever it was.
We are the Protectors, the guardians for our people. The Elders will make sure we have what we need to do our job, but be aware that while this may have brought prestige in former times, we face hardship now. The Spirit times are over. We must hide our presence, and you may never tell anyone what you are. A future outside of La Push is unlikely for any of us. Can you accept this?
I didn't really have to elaborate on what it meant if he didn't. The legends were pretty clear on your options. A wolf that did not accept his role and the leadership of the Alpha was to leave and never return. There was no room for renegades.
His eyes flickered momentarily. I knew he was thinking about college, moving away, traveling, or anything else that involved not staying in the general area. It was a scary thought. It was a guillotine that very efficiently sliced off any possibilities for you. There were new possibilities, but they were, well, they were what they were. We patrol, protect, and fight when we have to. The stories were brutal at times. Sometimes we die, too.
"So do construction workers. And fishermen, and electricians, and if you drive a car..." mused Embry.
I looked at him pointedly.
"You have an answer for me, Call? I need you to say it here. Paul and Jared are witnesses to your decision." They had been nearby but silent all this while, understanding the need to not interfere with my easing Embry to this point.
The filthy, shaggy, vomit splattered wolf sat up and summoned more dignity than I probably could have under the circumstances. He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.
"Sam?"
"Yes, Embry?"
"I'm in. Tell me more."
Thanks so much for reading! Thanks to those of you who have submitted ideas for the confrontation with Paul. You guys really did touch on some things I didn't really think of. Please keep the ideas coming! Thanks!
Please consider reviewing? It's lights up my heart as well as the little red light on my Blackberry. Also consider checking out my one-shot Bacon, a very dark Jasper-centric practice bit that got a rec from the Jasper's Naughty Girls. Woot! It was a practice for a Darksper story I working on and it just sort of grew legs.
And leave the love for other great stories like IllegalWL's The Ballad of the Blueberry Muffin. She writes a charming Seth and wicked Paul that I just can't get enough of.
Thanks again!