I kept to myself for another day or so, just catching up with everything I had forgotten. I was buried in information and tried working everything out. My tactic was that if I could fill up most of the blanks, the rest would come back. I just hoped it would work. I got occasional visits, they stopped by with food or to ask how I was, but as soon as they noticed that I was busy, they left. Sage never stopped by though. I had no clue why, but she kept away. It bugged me. I wanted her here, I wanted her to wonder how I was feeling, if I made any progress, and, most of all, I wanted her to miss me. I didn't know why, but I wanted her to care for me. I wanted her to worry about me, but I didn't want her to feel unhappy. I wanted her to be filled with joy, but at the same time, I wanted her to miss me. Could this be love? No. I wouldn't have it. Some things were better off as they were. Some taboos was not made to be broken. I sighed and put away the papers I had been reading for the past minutes. This was boring as hell. After catching up so much in so little time, my brain felt fried. I decided it was time for a break. I went outside and started wandering. I had no destination, no errand, nothing. I just wandered around and wondered where fate would lead me. When I turned a corner, I ran straight into Sonya. Literally.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry!", I said and she smiled.
"It's okay Adrian.", She looked at my aura. "How's everything going?", She asked, still smiling.
"Okay, I guess. Nothing has come back to me yet.", I sighed. It was disappointing when things didn't work out the way I planned.
"Are you sure about that?", She asked, a bit hesitant. She too her eyes off my aura and instead looked me in the eyes. I felt confused. Of course I was sure, I would have known it, right?
"Well, yeah? I think so at least.", I said, now a bit doubting. Did I remember anything? In that case, it couldn't have been anything important since I still felt the same.
"Hmm. It looks like the holes in the gray are bigger.", She smiled. "But I might be wrong.", She shrugged and then started walking past me. "I have to go, good luck!", She spoke and waved.
"Thank you.", I said and waved back. I then resumed my wandering. I just walked, and admired the beauty in everything around me. I wanted to paint everything. I wanted to paint the whole world. I snapped a lot of mental pictures during that walk, many of them would become beautiful paintings and some would inspire me to appreciate life and the gift of living. Next thing I knew, I stumbled upon a cafe, and Sage was there. She was dressed in a brown skirt, tights and a beige blouse."So. Are you guys here to convert me or sell me siding?" I could hear the sentence clear as day inside my head. I had said that before. I froze in the spot and my mind started working. When had I said that? Then it struck me. When I saw Keith and Sage in Palm Springs for the first time. I greeted them at the door. Holy shit. I had actually remembered something. I rushed to the table where Sage was sat reading, and sat down on a chair opposite to her. She looked surprised and was just about to say something when I interrupted her.
"I remembered something!", I exclaimed triumphantly. At first, she looked confused but then her face split open in a smile.
"That's great! What did you remember?", She seemed curious. I smiled.
"When I greeted you and Keith at the door for the first time in Palm Springs.", I practically bounced in my seat, I was so happy. This was good, this was progress. I was getting my mind back.
"That's a start.", She said and looked me in the eyes.
"I think it's because I crammed my head with information about these past nine months, it might have helped.", I said with pride. All of a sudden, she seemed to remember something and her face was wiped from feelings. She just looked reserved.
"Yeah, maybe.", She answered. She was was still wearing her neutral expression and left me puzzled. What was I missing here?
"Okay, stop. What's wrong?", I confronted her.
"Nothing-", She started but I was not dealing with this today.
"Don't lie. Something is up, I can both sense and see it.", I said and shot a glance at her aura as I spoke. In there, the feelings were dancing around. They were intense, and many, and I couldn't really make them out. It was just a blur. She sighed.
"I can't tell you.", She looked at me.
"Why?", I asked. What was wrong here?
"I just can't. Not now at least.", She answered and started rising from her chair. "I should go, I need to meet up with some people.", She said vaguely. I could see from her whole existence that that was a lie, but I didn't stop her. I just nodded and let her go. I could feel that she wouldn't have told me anything, it wouldn't have mattered how much I had asked. I stayed seated at the table, watching her back as she walked away. She turned around once and I waved, but she just kept on walking. Why did it hurt me so much to see her walk away? Why did I feel like I had lost a battle? I picked up a napkin and found a pen in my pocket and I started doodling while still being in my own world of thoughts. Why had Sage been distant towards me? Why had she gone from friendly to cold in just a matter of minutes? Why why why.
"Hey, how's the studying going?", I heard a very familiar voice intrude my thoughts. I looked up from my drawing and saw Rose standing above me. I looked back at the drawing and noticed that I had drawn the tattoo of a lily Sage had on her left cheek. Without knowing why, I felt ashamed, and I covered up the drawing from Rose's prying eyes.
"Okay, I guess.", I wrinkled my forehead. "I remembered one thing today, but it was mostly just a sentence so it was no big deal.", I lied. Rose looked suspicious for a second but then sighed and sat down on the chair Sage had left merely minutes ago.
"Anything you want to talk about?", She asked and propped her elbows on the table.
"Um, no? Should there be?", I asked and felt confused. What had she detected from me now?
"I don't know, it just looked like you had some things to confess.", She nodded at my napkin which was laying with the drawing facing the table. I felt even more confused.
"Excuse me, what? What are you even talking about?", I asked and she looked surprised for a second.
"For a spirit user, you're not very good at emotions. At least not your own.", Why was she being cryptic.
"Okay Rose, cut the crap, what are you talking about?", I pressed. She couldn't turn back now.
"You love her, don't you?", She leaned forward and looked into my eyes. What was she talking about?
"Love who?", I asked but she only nodded to my drawing. "Sage?! What, are you crazy? She's a human, Rose, and on top of that, an alchemist. I couldn't love her.", I said all these things but my heart was breaking as I uttered those words.
"So you do love her?", She just asked and looked challenging.
"Didn't you hear what I just said?", I was so confused and surprised and sad at the same time. What was happening to me?
"But you see, all the things you just said are arguments as to why you shouldn't love her, you never said you didn't.", She stated and looked pleased. I opened my mouth to deny what she just said, but I couldn't say those words. I couldn't say I didn't love her. Could she be speaking the truth? Was I in love with an alchemist? It just felt so wrong. It couldn't be.
"So I'm right?", She asked and leaned back in her chair, arms crossed on her chest. I just shook my head. I couldn't believe this. Was I that blind? Had I ignored my own feelings?
"I can't be.", I whispered but Rose just shrugged.
"Why not? It has happened before, I'm living proof.", She said and looked at me. Why was she so okay with this? She should be disgusted and outraged. She should think I was appalling. She shouldn't be so accepting. This was wrong on so many levels all at once.
"Just..., No. This isn't okay. This is wrong.", I said and stood up. She just sat there, a smug smile on her face.
"Oh, I don't know, you spoke very highly off her before all this.", She said and I stopped in my step.
"This was happening before this too?", I asked. Had I felt this for a long time?
"From what I could make out, you two weren't really involved, but you did like her. No doubt about that.", She stared me down and I stormed off. I couldn't listen anymore. Being in love with a dhampir was one thing, it was more accepted in my society, but a human? A human would cause such controversy. It would not be accepted. Not in a million years. I started walking to my room again and was stuck in my own thoughts. Why did these things always happen to me? Why couldn't I just be happy? Life was always playing tricks on me and pushing me off the edge. I never even got a chance to rest, it was always chaos in my life and nothing ran smooth. I was always tripping, and tumbling, and falling down, and when I finally got back up on my feet, life knocked me down again. I was getting tired of this. Getting tired of having to fight for my happiness and my well-being. I was just so damn tired. I turned a corner and bumped into Sage. Two times in one day, not bad. But of course she wasn't the one I wanted to see right now. My heart tumbled in my chest and I suddenly saw clearly. I was so crushing on this girl. No point denying it any longer, all the signs were there. I was in love with a human. She looked nervous for a second before pulling it together and flashing a small smile. She reminded me off Jill for a short while. All that childish nervousness and fear of what the other person was thinking about her.
"Hello again.", I said, my feelings was mixed up and tangled together and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
"Hi.", She said and looked up at me. Her eyes were everything. They were so pretty and the color just took my breath away. How had I not noticed them during our past conversations?
"Did your meeting thing go well?", I asked, I didn't have anything else to say and I didn't want her to leave. Not again.
"Um, yeah, yeah it did.", She seemed so shy. She was adorable. "What have you been up to?", She asked me and I started struggling for words. It was strange, being nervous around a girl. It didn't usually happen to me.
"Um, I talked to Rose a bit, um, yeah. That was it.", I sighed and she looked at me with a confused look on her face. She probably noticed my nerves. Apparently, she decided to ignore it and just carried on the conversation.
"Guess what? I just found this, it's been gone since San Francisco, maybe it will bring some memories back?", She reached behind her neck and took off a necklace consisting of a gold chain with a plain golden cross hanging from it. No, it couldn't be. She put it in my hand and I was certain that my mouth was hanging wide-open.
"Is this yours?", I asked and examined the cross in my hand. She nodded.
"Yes, I have had it for a long time. You even got to borrow it for a while back in Palm Springs.", She said and looked at me, smiling at first but then her face changed and got sad. It was it. The same cross as in my flashbacks. The exact same. Everything felt unreal and I could feel something fighting to be free inside of me.
"Remember anything?", She asked, looking hopeful. I shook my head, still shocked, and put the cross back in her outstretched hand. She put it back on, and for a second, a small ray of light from a street light caught in the cross and made it glisten. Everything came back to me.
A/N: I'm so sorry for the lack of Sydrian-moments so far. I have been in a kind of bad place lately and haven't been feeling that up to writing happy things, but that will change from now on! I really hope you liked this chapter, and from the looks of it now, there might be a sequel coming to this story. I have some ideas and we'll see how it turns out. Anyway, I love all of you who take your time to read this everytime a new chapter is published and I really appreciate your patience with me even though I have been feeling kind of bad lately. Thank you.