Uriel was gone and Sam spun around in shock at his rapid disappearance. Sam had no idea what to make of what had just happened, and he took a few steps in mental confusion before sinking onto the bed. He felt Jen's presence as she slowly materialized next to him. His eyes burned and he barely realized what was happening as Jen wrapped her arms around him, and he started sobbing. He couldn't shake the images in his mind of Dean's face when he exorcised Samhain or of Uriel's just now. Still, he knew that he and Dean would be dead if he hadn't done what he did, and right now, his brain simply couldn't reconcile anything, so he just let loose in Jen's tight embrace.
"I know, honey. I know." Jen whispered to him.
After some time, Sam picked himself up and looked at Jen through the tears that were refusing to clear away. He had to ask her the question that was bothering him the most, though. He didn't know if she could answer, but he had to ask.
"I always thought that Angels would be, I don't know, understanding, and compassionate, and would want to save and help humanity. I mean, they are God's messengers, and I thought they were the ones who answer our prayers. Now, I wonder who I've been praying to." Sam's voice started to catch and he pressed his lips together, trying not to break down again.
Jen paused a moment, and then she reached out and pushed Sam's hair out of his eyes and brushed tears off his cheek. "Prayer is a form of directed energy. You have a request, and you send your energies out into the universe. From your perspective, you are sending that energy to God or to Heaven or Angels. But don't forget, there are others on earth who can pick-up on those energies as well." Jen smiled at Sam just slightly. Then, Sam remembered something Jen had said to him once, back when they first thought they had encountered Angels.
"So, do you think the Universe sent you to help me?"
Jen answered him with certainty. "I know it did."
The tears welled up in Sam's eyes again. "You really meant that, didn't you? You really were sent by the Universe?" Sam looked to Jen for confirmation, for something to let him know that these same creatures that looked at him with such contempt weren't the only ones answering him.
Jen took Sam's hands and looked into his eyes as tears began to fall again.
"In a way," she said as she smiled gently. "I have always been an answer to your prayers. I can't solve everything, but I'm always looking out for you." Jen let go of Sam's hands and he wrapped his arms back around her. Knowing that about Jen did make Sam feel better, but there was still a nagging problem. He kept thinking about it over and over and he knew Jen could hear him.
I still don't know what to do about my power. What's the right thing to do?
Jen's response was what Sam expected.
There is no absolute right and wrong. You need to make your own decisions.
Sam had nearly exhausted his tears, and he lifted his head just slightly and wiped his eyes with one hand. "I know." He said quietly. Then he sat up completely, letting go of Jen. "I know." He said again, swallowing hard. He looked up, thoughtful for a moment.
"I can't believe that Jess has been gone three years tomorrow."
"Yes.' Jen sighed. "Are you going to be okay?" She asked Sam, cracking a smile at him.
Sam knew that Jen knew the answer to that question, and somehow he found himself smiling back at her when he responded.
"Probably not."
Jen shrugged at him, eyes sparkling. "Yeah, I didn't think so."
"How about Dean?" Sam asked, more seriously and somewhat concerned.
Jen's eyes clouded over briefly, but she quickly recovered and smiled again. "We'll just have to keep busy."
Sam looked at Jen suspiciously for a moment. "Uriel said to ask Dean what he remembers about Hell. He does remember, doesn't he?" Jen was silent. That was Jen's most basic tell, and Sam knew he was right. "I can see it; I'm not stupid. What did Uriel mean about getting off his high horse?" Jen looked right at Sam, solemnly.
"I can't tell you what's in Dean's head."
"But, I'm his brother. I should know. Maybe I can help."
"If your brother wants his thoughts public, he'll tell you. If he doesn't, telling you is not my place." She gave Sam a look that distinctly said don't ask me again.
Sam gave her one more pleading puppy dog eye look, but he knew it wouldn't work. Jen was always the only one that he couldn't con with that look. Apparently thousands of years of experience will take care of that. Sam sighed and agreed with Jen; he really had no other choice.
"Okay." Sam finally responded, and then he reached over and gave Jen one more huge hug. "I don't suppose you're going anywhere?"
"Not until after tomorrow." She said. Sam half-smiled at Jen and finished packing.
Dean focused on the road in front of him heading toward Bobby's. That was Jen's idea, and probably the best one considering what day it was tomorrow. Sam was already acting out of sorts and Dean wasn't sure if it was the impending date, the encounter with the Angels, his powers, or a combination of all three. Whatever it was, Sam wasn't being overly chatty. Dean had told him what Castiel had said, and that information barely changed elicited a response. Oh well, they were almost at Bobby's and Jen had promised them a home-cooked dinner. Everything else could wait until after that.
Dinner was delicious, and afterwards everyone grabbed beers and headed into the living room to catch Bobby up on the Angel situation. Dean told his story about Castiel again, and Sam listened quietly without comment. Jen spent most of the conversation pacing the room, and Bobby kept stealing glances at her while he listened.
Dean reached the end of the story. "I don't know what to think about what Cas said. Sometimes I think Angels are dicks, but then he says that to me and I wonder about it."
Bobby nodded and sipped his beer. Then he looked directly at Jen, still on her feet. "You gonna finally give us your opinion on this whole Angel business."
Jen stopped suddenly looking confused. Then she shrugged and spoke quickly. "It's not my place."
"Bullshit." Bobby noisily put his beer down on the table and stood up. "These boys are youngsters still, but you can't fool me. You don't like Angels at all, don't you."
Jen's face was completely expressionless, but he eyes were almost wild. "That's not entirely true."
Dean and Sam turned to look at each other. They had never seen Jen caught this off-guard, and now it was becoming quite clear that she did have some serious problems with Angels. Bobby pushed her just a little further.
"Listen, honey, I've been reading people for a long time, and I know when someone is hiding something, and you are. Don't leave us all hanging in the dark here."
Jen sighed looking around at everyone in the room. "All right. I guess you have had enough interaction with them now anyway. I'll talk."
Jen slowly sat in a chair, drawing out Dean's anticipation of what she was going to say.
"I'll admit, I tend not to like the way Angels do things. They are like soldiers on a battlefield, and they don't think about the way their missions will affect people's thoughts and lives. We're working from opposite points of view. I think about the individual people, they think about the final results. Amongst my kind, there tends to be the feeling that Angels sometimes pop down here and mess with 'our' world, and we can get a bit possessive. Especially when certain Angels talk about wiping out entire towns."
Dean did not miss the flare of anger in her eyes during that last statement, but it soon flickered out.
"Their solutions are often worse than the problems. So, no, generally, I don't like or trust Angels." Jen paused. She thought for a moment, looking wistful. Then she continued. "I do need to point out though, every Angel is different, and I will always allow them to prove themselves to me."
"What about Cas?" Dean asked.
Jen thought for a second. "We have a small history, but I don't really know him well. He could be worse, he could be Uriel, but he still doesn't understand how things affect you as a person. He also follows orders a bit too readily, which has already led to using you to find out information in a way that hurt more than it needed to."
Dean didn't understand Jen's last statement. How was he used and how did it hurt?
"What do you mean?" He questioned. Jen looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. She hesitated a moment before speaking quietly.
"When he brought you back in time to see Mary and John."
Suddenly, a silence passed over the room and eyes turned to the clock. 12:07, November 2nd.
Jen knew that was bound to happen. These were not easy topics on typical days, much less this one. She stood quietly now, waiting for the initial impact of the storm that is November 2nd and the Winchester boys.
For a moment nobody moved. Bobby broke the silence by standing up and heading toward the stairs.
"Well, now that we have the facts, it's too late for me. I will see you all in the morning."
Bobby's movement allowed both Sam and Dean to start moving as well. Dean chugged down the last of his beer and left the room. Sam was grabbing bottles and dishes and put them in the kitchen. Jen was standing in the room alone when Sam returned, and he went right over to her and grabbed her in a hug. She squeezed him back.
"Time to get some sleep I think." Jen spoke quickly. Sam pulled back away from her.
"Yeah. I guess I can give that a try."
Jen smiled at Sam. "I can help." She looped his arm, and they headed back to the bedroom.
Dean was already there, just about to hop into bed. Jen brushed her hand across his shoulder as she walked past him and he relaxed just slightly to her touch. She couldn't do much for Dean. If she pushed too hard, the memories of Hell pushed back harder, so she was careful. For Sam, though, she squeezed his hand briefly and spoke just a word to put the thought into his mind. "Sleep."
She sat down on the chair between the beds and began to sing. It was just a chant, but it was enough to lull two tired boys to sleep.
The night was quiet. Although for Jen, it was much too quick.
Sam woke up early, although he knew Jen was already making breakfast because he could smell coffee and bacon. For a moment it reminded him of Stanford, and then he remembered what day it was. He glanced toward Dean who appeared to still be asleep. He could see sun coming in around the window shade and decided that a bit of sun would be the best way to start this day. Sam quietly grabbed his clothes and shoes and headed toward the porch.
Sam wanted at least a few minutes to himself. Time alone wasn't something common for Sam. He had grown up around Dean and John, there were always people at school, and even when Dean was in Hell, Ruby was there. For a little while, he even put up that little bit of a barrier between himself and Jen, so that Sam was truly alone with his thoughts.
For a time he just sat thinking about everything, letting the thoughts come and go and not trying to really analyze it yet. Then slowly, things started to settle around the same question Sam had yesterday for Jen that she couldn't answer: what to do about his powers. He wondered what Jess would think or say if she knew about any of this. He wondered what his mom and dad would say.
The weight of the day started to press on Sam, and his thought process soon drifted back to the beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girl he lost three years ago today. Tears filled his eyes, and he let them fall. He leaned forward and took in a deep breath, which caught just at the end. He pulled down his barrier and whispered. "Jen?' He had enough being alone for a while.
A moment later, Sam heard the door creak and Jen's footsteps behind him. She sat down beside Sam and looped an arm around his shoulder. He looked out at the lot through the blur of tears.
"I really miss Jess."
"I know. So do I."
Sam didn't try to talk any further; he just leaned onto Jen's shoulder and cried. He was hoping that if he got this out now, maybe the rest of the day would be easier, though he wasn't really certain of that. Jen stayed silent beside him, but Sam knew that she was doing her best to draw the pain away from him. Slowly but surely, it worked, and Sam's tears slowed and then stopped.
"You want some breakfast?" Jen asked as Sam picked himself up, rubbing at his eyes.
Sam nodded and gave Jen a weak smile. "Yeah, breakfast sounds good."
Jen returned his smile and the two went inside.
Dean woke to the smell of coffee and allowed it to lure him out of bed and out to the kitchen where he also found eggs and bacon and Bobby finishing up a plate of food. Dean grabbed himself a plate and loaded up, sitting across from Bobby.
"God, I love breakfast." Dean spoke with his mouth full and Bobby shot him a look. He swallowed. "Where's Sam and Jen?"
Bobby nodded toward the door. "Porch."
For just a second Dean wondered what they were doing out there, and then he remembered. He stopped mid-bite to the slight punch in the gut, but he took a couple of breaths and kept eating, determined not to let this day take him down. At least, not yet.
He looked across at Bobby. "So, what have you got going on today?"
Bobby shrugged. "I have an old '76 T-Bird that got towed out here last week and was going to see if I could get it running again. You think you might have some ideas about that?"
Dean smiled. Other than killing evil fuckers, there wasn't anything he liked better than working on old cars. He was sure Bobby offered that on purpose, and it wasn't something that he was going to argue with.
"Yeah, I think I can help you out with that."
"Good." Bobby nodded and went to clean off his plate.
The rest of Sam's morning went by pretty quickly. Him and Jen did some research about seals and Lucifer and tried to work out some of the things that might happen next. They had some sandwiches for lunch with Dean and Bobby, and then Sam went back to the books while Jen cleaned up. That's when it all began to hit him again, without Jen there changing the topic of conversation. Sam shook his head and tried to stay focused, but the book into front of him was blurring. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned back in the chair. He breathed in and out carefully, and then he felt her hands on his shoulders and her voice in his ear.
"Want to take a walk?"
Sam felt better at her touch, at least well enough to pull it together and respond.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."
The two closed up the books and gathered up shoes and coats and headed out the door. Jen started walking, briskly, toward the woods near Bobby's place without saying a word. Sam followed.
For a while, they walked in silence. Jen kept a quick pace quick that forced Sam to focus on walking including a winding path between trees and bushes requiring almost fancy footwork. Soon, Sam was busy enough watching both his head and feet that he had nearly forgotten what day it was.
Just as Sam was beginning to fatigue, he saw a clearing up ahead with a large log on its side in the middle. Jen turned and smiled at him. Clearly, this was the planned stopping point.
The two sat down and Jen produced some granola bars and water bottles from inside her coat.
Sam smiled as he took a bite of chocolate peanut butter crunch. "You are amazing."
Jen raised her eyebrows and her eyes sparkled. "I know."
They sat in silence for a moment while eating, and then Sam began the conversation with a sigh.
"So … you don't like angels?"
Jen paused a moment thoughtfully. Sam knew that she had to be careful about what she said, but he hoped to understand better. Then, Jen took a deep breath and began to speak.
"It's more complicated than that. Most of the time, honestly, Angels stay out of the way. Heaven is their domain, earth is ours, and hell belongs to the demons. Lately, everyone seems to want their own piece of this planet though. I do happen to have a long, personal history with Angels, but even historically their choices are not ones I approve of. Look at what they do in the bible; Angels frighten. They use their presence and abilities to scare people into believing. That's what Cas did to Dean, and what Uriel did to you. I don't believe in frightening people. It's why I typically choose not to reveal myself unless necessary. With Angels, the reveal is step one. Angels don't exactly give people choices either, they insist. You are already familiar with that. The reality is that very few angels have helped people or answered prayers simply to be good. It's either part of God's plan, or it's not. There is no gray area. And failing to fall in line, well, it's essentially treason, and it practically carries a death sentence."
Sam listened carefully, especially since Jen spoke more freely than he expected her to. This was probably the most information she had given him on any topic, so he didn't want to say anything that might cause her to clam up again. Once she finished though, there was silence for a minute. Sam finally spoke.
"I think I see your point," he said quietly. Still, he couldn't help thinking that he had believed in Angels for so long, and he wasn't the only one in the family.
"You know Mom used to tell me every night before I went to sleep?" Dean said to Sam. "She told me there were Angels watching over me."
Sam swallowed hard through the lump forming in his throat. "So Mom was wrong, and I was wrong." Sam pressed his lips together, blinking to try and keep the tears back. There was so much going on around and within Sam, he just felt more confused by the minute. Jen reached over and took his hand, and Sam squeezed her hand hard, working to maintain composure. He kept speaking, even though he couldn't keep his voice from trembling.
"Nothing makes sense right now. I have powers from demon blood, but I can use them to save people, but the Angels don't want me to use them, but it turns out Angels aren't really interested in helping people anyway."
"Well, they are interested in helping the human race, usually, just not individuals." Jen gently corrected.
"I'm sorry," Sam looked at Jen, the tears in his eyes finally slipping down his cheeks. "I can't see that big. I just see people, and I've lost so many people that I just … I can't stand it anymore."
Sam released Jen, and dropped his head into his hands, unable to speak for a moment. Jen's hand rubbed back and forth across his shoulders. He whispered through the tears. "I can't lose anyone else. I can't. And Lillith is still out there, killing other people's loved ones, and starting the apocalypse" Sam picked his head up and looked at Jen. "I can stop her still; I know I can."
His eyes pleaded with Jen for an affirmative response. He needed to do this, and needed support. Jen never truly took sides, though, especially in matters of life and death. It was the one thing about Jen that always bothered Sam. This time, she just furrowed her brow at him, and then softened and put her hand to his cheek.
"Oh, Sam."
Sam looked at Jen, and the confusion and grief surfaced again at her touch. "I thought I would feel better after all this time. Why don't I feel better? It's like Jess and Dad just died." And Dean Sam thought silently. Even though his brother was back, those four months of his life still seemed to have a traumatic hold that Sam couldn't break. Jen's clear, dark eyes met his tear-filled ones.
"Time may be linear, but grief is not."
It was a typical Jen saying, but Sam understood her. Sometimes, he would feel okay, and sometimes he would feel like this. Jen took her hand away from his face and wrapped her arms around him. He grabbed her back and held on as the pain finally took over, and he continued to hold on until it faded again.
Finally, Sam really did feel better. He still didn't know what he was going to do, but right now, he didn't need to think about it. Jen looked around.
"It's getting late. We should get back."
Sam nodded and the two made their way back through the woods, arriving just as the sun was going down.
Dean was amazed at how fast the day had gone. Bobby and he had successfully started up the T-Bird and even had taken it for a quick spin. Dinner was delicious, as usual with Jen cooking, and she even managed to produce pie for dessert, which Dean had thirds of.
As the dinner conversation slowed, and the night got late, Dean's thoughts began to drift again to his mother. He took a sip of beer and glanced at his brother during a lull and could tell that Sam was thinking about Jess. Dean looked across the table at Jen and she nodded at him. She knew. Jen always knew.
"You know, I think it's about time to wrap this up." Jen finally spoke. No one disagreed and Bobby and Dean started getting dishes out of the way. Sam looked like he wanted to help, hesitated, and then quickly disappeared off toward the bedroom instead. Dean and Jen caught each other's eyes once again.
"Go." Dean nodded toward the door. Jen quickly turned and was gone. Dean spun back around again and Bobby was staring at him. Dean shrugged at Bobby. "What?"
"What are you still doing in here? Get your ass out of my kitchen!" Bobby swatted at Dean with a towel.
Dean knew what Bobby was trying to get him to do, and Dean didn't know if he was ready for that. He'd been doing such a great job of avoiding the problem all day. He paused, looking at Bobby. Bobby wasn't about to take no for an answer. "Out."
Dean threw his hands up. "Okay, okay, I'm gone."
Dean took his time heading to the bedroom, not knowing what state he'd find his brother in. When he did arrive at the door he was surprised to hear Jen laugh. He popped his head in the door, and he found the two sitting together on the far bed. Jen had her arm looped around Sam's shoulders, and he was brushing tears off his cheeks, but both were smiling. It wasn't quite what Dean was expecting. Jen looked up at Dean, and he shrugged.
"Bobby kicked me out."
Jen smiled at Dean and nodded to the space next to her. "Join us." Dean came over and took a seat, back up against the wall. Jen slipped her hand into his and squeezed. Sam glanced at his brother and spoke.
"Dean? Tell me about mom, when she was young, you know, from the past. Please?"
Dean swallowed hard as his eyes filled with tears at Sam's request. "Wow, Mom, she was … well …" Dean's throat got tight and he couldn't continue.
Jen spoke instead. "I can show him instead, your memories, I mean." She said quietly. "If that's okay with you, Dean."
Dean nodded and shut his eyes against the tears. Jen squeezed his hand tightly, and soon Dean was remembering his dinner with Mary, Deanna, and Samuel in 1973. He heard Sam whisper. "Mom!" Then both were silent, watching, remembering.
Jen was careful with the memories of the past. She knew Sam wanted so much to see his parents, but she didn't want to risk sending either Sam or Dean into a downward emotional spiral at this point. The day was almost over, and they had done so well. She chose an easy, fun memory. It seemed to work out.
They had just about made it through this difficult day, and only the final minutes remained. Jen smiled to herself. Then she began to sing.
I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason,
bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them, and we help them in return
Now I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good
At the end of the song, both Sam and Dean were nearly asleep leaning on Jen, and the clock ticked to 12:02.
Jen nudged the boys. "Okay, time to actually go to bed." She said gently moving them in the right directions. Dean sleepily got up and stumbled over to his bed. Sam lay down and pulled the blankets around him. Jen got up and turned away from Sam. He grabbed her hand as she did, and she spun back and kneeled down beside him.
"You sang that with Jess, didn't you?" Sam whispered, eyes still bright with tears.
Jen smiled gently. She wasn't sure he would remember, especially since he missed the final performance while he was out with Dean. "Yes, I did, in the last concert in October."
"You knew, didn't you, that something was going to happen to her."
"Not exactly, but I had a feeling."
"Thank you. For choosing that." Sam said, finally closing his eyes and drifting off.
Jen crossed the room to Dean, who was still just barely awake, but clearly waiting for Jen. She smiled at him.
"Yes?"
"I just want to say thank you, you know, for everything." He said, shutting his eyes.
"I'm always here for you, as long as you want me." Jen reminded Dean gently as he fell asleep and she snuck out of the room, shutting the door. She met Bobby in the kitchen, and he handed her a beer, which she gratefully accepted.
"A toast." He said holding his beer up. Jen smiled and clinked hers against his. "Another November 2nd over," Bobby finished. The two drank in silence, enough had been said around there for a whole year.