As Sam told Dean the story, he almost cringed a little thinking about the part he was leaving out, but he couldn't talk about it. He couldn't. He looked at Dean when he was done, and Dean paused, taking it all in.
Jen appeared behind Dean. She looked directly at Sam. He directed his thoughts to her.
Tell him the rest later, when I'm not around.
Jen nodded and then she was gone.
It wasn't that Sam didn't want Dean to know. He just couldn't tell him. She could. It was her part of the story after all.
Dean was only about twenty minutes out of Bobby's place on the way to get Pamela when Jen appeared in the passenger seat. Dean shot Jen a weak smile.
"You come to keep me company?"
"That, and something else."
Dean crunched his brow trying to think why else Jen would be there. "Oh?"
"There was an … omission … in Sam's story. I know you noticed it."
"You mean: you." It was true; Dean had picked up on the fact that Sam hadn't mentioned Jen once. He didn't ask about it. Considering what Sam did tell him, if he left that part out, it must have been pretty bad.
"I was initially called away. My superiors barely let us put you in the ground before requesting my presence to determine what should happen next. There was considerable debate as to what role I should play being that things hadn't turned out the way we hoped. I pushed to be allowed to stay completely involved, and after some time that was permitted. However, by that point Ruby had already reappeared."
"But, you were there after that? What happened?"
Jen sighed and paused for a moment. Then, she began the story.
[May]
Jen was waiting for Sam when he returned after kicking Ruby out of his car. She looked at him from the center of the room as his eyes widened and he dropped the Impala keys, nearly running to her.
"You came back." He barely was able to speak as he wrapped his arms around her squeezing tightly.
"I told you I would." Jen was relieved that she could keep her promise, at least for a while. She knew Sam needed her now more than ever. Tears were already falling from Sam's eyes onto Jen's shoulder and she held him tightly, doing what she could.
Sam managed to whisper. "Ruby."
"I know." Jen replied. She had already seen what happened the moment Sam touched her. It made her nervous. She was certain she could handle Sam on his own, but Ruby could present complications. She couldn't think about that now. Sam was drunk, tired, and going to fall apart from grief and fatigue if Jen didn't take some action.
She spoke softly in Sam's ear. "Come sit." And she gently pulled him toward the bed. Quickly enough, the fatigue began to overwhelm the grief, and Sam was soon falling asleep. A gently melody took care of the rest, and then Sam was unconscious on the bed. Jen sat beside him, keeping watch. It was the only thing she could do.
Sam woke just a couple of hours later. Unfortunately, he was in a different mindset this time. He wasn't up for long before he began pacing and asking questions.
"There has to be a way to get Dean back. I'm willing to go, but they aren't willing to take me. Still, there has to be some other way to get souls back from Hell."
Jen sighed. "It's nearly impossible. There are very few beings that are permitted to enter and leave Hell at will, even fewer that could take someone out with them."
"What about a Devil's Gate, right? That's how Dad got out."
"Even if you found a Devil's Gate, Dean wouldn't stay here, on Earth. You know that."
Sam sank back onto the bed. He nodded. Jen sat beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. She nearly flinched at the intensity of Sam's running emotions, but managed to maintain her own steady composure.
Sam looked over at Jen. "What about Lillith? We could go after her. This was her doing. Ruby said I have some kind of power, and Lillith couldn't hurt me before, right? We should look for Lillith. Make her pay for Dean."
Sam jumped up and headed toward his computer. Jen remained on the bed. She knew this was a bad idea.
"Sam, vengeance isn't going to bring Dean back." She spoke quietly, but she knew he heard her. He stopped typing and paused for a moment. Then he looked up at her.
"It will make me feel better."
Jen shook her head. "No. It won't do that either. I should know. I've seen centuries of people trying to use vengeance as a means for closure. It doesn't bring closure or peace or much more than a brief moment of triumph followed by the same despair that was never dealt with. There are other things you can do. Find cases. Save people. That's what you should think about Sam."
Jen hoped she could get through to Sam, but she could feel him push her words away. He pushed her out of his head. Then he stood up and walked across the room, away from Jen.
"No. You're wrong. You don't understand. You're not even human."
This was not going well. "I've been with humans for years. I feel human emotions. I know what I'm talking about."
Sam was silent, ignoring Jen. She continued.
"Sam, I will help you do what you want as best I can. I can't tell you something will make you feel better when it won't, though. I won't lie to you."
"I know, I mean … just forget it, you know what? I think I just want to be alone for a while, okay? Just leave me alone."
"Sam … are you sure?"
"Go, please."
Jen couldn't disobey a direct order like that from Sam, even though she knew it was a bad idea. She looked at Sam sadly catching his green eyes full of tears for a moment.
"Call me, when you need me." Sam nodded almost imperceptively, and then Jen removed herself to a faraway place.
She looked out over Shannon's Pot, her pond, her home. She could wait. He would call.
He did, in fact, call, but the circumstances were not what Jen was hoping for.
"So, I thought I should let you know that Ruby's back. She wants to help me. She wants to kill Lillith and she'll teach me to use my powers to do it. I still think it's the best idea."
Jen was alarmed at how easily Sam seemed to have been taken in by Ruby. Something else troubled her too; there was a block in Sam's thoughts. There was something he didn't want her to know.
"Ruby is a demon, you know. I'm not sure she wants the best for you."
Sam narrowed his eyes at Jen. "You can't read her thoughts, right? You really don't have any idea what she wants? Who's to say that she's not pissed at Lillith too for sending her back to Hell?"
Jen sighed. "No, I can't read her thoughts. Still, I've been studying people for thousands of years, and there's something wrong with this."
"People? You mean humans. Well, Ruby isn't human, is she? So, maybe your radar is off this time."
Jen looked at Sam, eyes pleading with him to listen. "I told you before that revenge is not the answer. I'm not going to stop you from working with Ruby, but, could we try this my way for a while first?"
Sam's eyes flashed with a sudden anger and then he shut completely off from Jen and all she heard was silence from his mind.
"Your way?" Sam scoffed and smiled looking around to no one in particular. "You mean sitting around talking about how much this sucks instead of trying to do something about it? Yeah, I don't think so."
Jen remained calm as she walked up to Sam and placed her hand on her arm. "I want you to deal with what happened, not push it aside just to have it come back later after you've done something you regret."
Sam kept his eyes away from Jen's and spoke quietly but solidly. "I won't regret killing Lillith."
Jen could tell Sam was fighting tears, but she couldn't seem to break through. She tried one more time. "Sam …"
He cut her off before she could even begin her newest plea, shaking her hand off his arm and turning to her. "I'm going to do this my way, and right now, my way is Ruby's way. So, are you going to help me, or not?"
"I can't work with Ruby. You know that."
"Yeah, I guess I do."
"I'll still be here, if you want me."
Sam just nodded at Jen, the tears beginning to show in his eyes now. Still, Jen couldn't stay if Sam wouldn't listen, and he had made it very clear what his intentions were. She knew that this would mean reassignment for sure now. She could only hope that Sam would come to his senses about Ruby, and that it would be sooner and not later.
Jen reached up and touched Sam's face for a brief moment, and then she was gone. She would find other work to do. There was always someone who needed her.
Jen's story was finished and she was silent. Dean was also silent for a moment, connecting the two stories in his mind. Then he started asking questions.
"So, you didn't know they were … together?"
"Not until you came back."
"And you still think she's manipulating him."
"I do."
"Well, so do I."
"He said that she saved his life. I'm convinced that she also put him in that position, creating the opportunity to gain his trust. I can't tell him that though, he wouldn't listen."
"I could."
Jen shook her head. "No. The bond is too strong right now. He wouldn't listen to you either."
Dean banged the steering wheel. "Goddamn it, Sam! Why are you so stupid?" He glanced over at Jen. "What can we do?"
"I don't know, Dean. I really don't know."
Dean had never seen Jen so sad or defeated. He knew how much she cared about Sam, beyond her mission, and he knew that this must be killing her, that she couldn't do anything. She lost to a low-level demon. Dean slowed the Impala and pulled off the road, putting the car into park. Then he turned to Jen, grabbing her in a sudden hug that seemed to surprise even her. She returned his hold.
"What's this for?" She asked.
"You needed it." Dean replied.
"Thank you."
Their embrace lasted just a moment longer. Jen remained looking at Dean after they let go.
"So, now you know what happened to us, but Sam still doesn't know what happened to you."
Dean turned away from Jen. He knew that was coming. Still, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about Hell. He shrugged.
"Yeah, I know."
"He deserves to know, Dean. He would understand better."
Dean's eyes filled with tears at the thought, but he blinked them back. Jen carefully took his hand and he squeezed her fingers tightly. Slowly, Dean nodded. He had been putting it off too long already, and Sam had been asking questions.
"Okay. Okay, I will."
Jen smiled at Dean and gave his hand one more squeeze. Then, she was gone.
Dean couldn't stop the tears as he talked to Sam. In a way, he didn't want to. He deserved this pain. He brought it upon himself.
It's not your fault. Jen's voice echoed in his head as she appeared beside him grasping his hand in hers.
I made the choice, and I tortured those people. That is the definition of 'my fault'. Dean responded silently, squeezing Jen's hand tightly. This wasn't the first time they had had this conversation. Dean refused to give in and Jen refused to give up. Still, this wasn't the time and they both knew it. It wasn't the time for anything, actually. Their conversation was over. Dean used Jen's strength to pull himself back together. Then, he dropped her hand with a silent thanks and she was gone. Dean stood up.
"Okay. I'm done talking about this. Let's go."
Sam silently complied. Dean knew he wouldn't ask. Not this time. Not about this.
They drove away in silence.