"I would give anything not to have you do this." Castiel said calmly, turning away from Dean.
"Clearly not anything." Jen's voice echoed slightly as she materialized between Dean and Castiel. Castiel turned to look at her.
"You have your rules, and I have mine." Castiel responded, maintaining his usual cold demeanor.
For a moment, Jen just stared at Castiel. She kept her face still, but there was fire in her eyes. As she looked into Castiel's, though he tried to appear disinterested, she could see somewhere deep in him he really did believe what he said earlier. He truly felt this was the only way. Jen softened, but only slightly. She couldn't show weakness to Castiel, or whoever else may be watching.
She turned around to face Dean and walked toward him. She took his hands and looked into his eyes. His chin trembled. His unspoken thoughts were pleading for her help to get through this task that he had already accepted was now his. She looked at him carefully, making sure that all he saw was the strength he needed in her eyes. She spoke to him quietly.
"I will help you. I will stay with you as long as you need. You can get through this. I know you can."
"Thank you." Dean responded, lifting his head and pulling what he needed from Jen as she gave as much strength as she could. He pulled Jen to him in a hug, and whispered in her ear. "Tell Sam to wait for me. I don't want him here. I don't want him to see." Dean took in a slow breath and pulled back again.
"I understand." Jen replied. She looked into Dean's eyes once more. She knew that he hated what this was going to do to him, but he could handle it. He had to handle it. She vanished quickly. She still had to talk to Sam.
"That is not acceptable!" Sam shouted at Jen, pacing around the motel room. Jen felt helpless her eyes pleading with Sam to understand. It wasn't working. "I can't just sit here and do nothing. He can't do it, I can. I need to be there. Just tell me where to go."
"Sam, I can't. I ..." Jen sighed in defeat, remembering Castiel's words. "I have my rules."
"Yeah? Well, your rules are bullshit." Sam glared at Jen. She was at a loss. Sam had been pushing her away again further and further over the last few weeks, and she had no idea what he was thinking or what to say to appease him. She took a breath and held back her frustration. Millennia of existence had taught her well how to fully control any negative emotions she felt. However, suddenly she paused. Nothing else had worked so far, but maybe, just maybe, Jen could appeal to Sam's empathy. Maybe he would let her through that way.
So, Jen did something she had barely done in the last thousand years; she allowed tears to fill her eyes, but not fall. She took a step toward Sam who was facing the door arms crossed. She put her hand on his arm. "Sam, please ..." Jen spoke and her voice quivered slightly.
Sam turned to her and was noticeably surprised and shaken to see her like that. His expression softened for a moment and tears shone in his eyes as well. For a second, Jen was hopeful. Then Sam turned away from her again and shook his head.
"No." He said softly. "Dean is wrong. If you won't help me, I'll have to find another way."
Jen recognized Sam in this state. She knew that there was nothing else she could do, so she reasserted her self-control and took a step back. Sam turned to look at her. "Go. Be with Dean. He'll need you." Jen looked at Sam once more and then slowly dissolved away, though she stayed long enough to see what Sam did next.
He pulled out his cell phone and dialed. "Ruby?"
Dean was beat to shit and in the hospital, and the Angel who had supposedly brought Dean back for a reason refused to heal him. Sam was furious.
He returned to Dean's bedside, watching his brother as the machines around him whirred and buzzed. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Jen. He looked up at her and though her face wore her usual neutral expression, he could see in her eyes how awful she felt for both him and Dean. It was the deepest sadness than he'd seen from her since Dean died. Sam's first instinct was to shout at Jen, that this was her fault for not telling Sam where Dean was originally, but he couldn't be angry with Jen, not now, not when he needed her.
Sam turned to Jen and put his arms around her waist, burying his head into her body as tears started falling.
"He's going to be okay." Jen said, one arm around Sam, the other stroking his hair. "He's strong. He will get through this." Sam knew that she was talking about both the mental and physical injuries that Dean suffered this time. He was glad that Jen was there with him, but he still held back. He still didn't want to let Jen know about what he was doing with Ruby. Jen didn't push him, just stayed by his side, and Dean's. As it got late, and the doctors asked them to leave, Jen promised Sam that she would watch Dean through the night.
Castiel arrived the next afternoon while Jen was watching invisibly. Dean had woken up that morning, much to Sam's obvious relief, but Sam had leads to follow, and him and Dean had little to say about what happened anyway. Cas, of course, was the last person Dean wanted to talk to, but he did.
"Find someone else." Dean finally said as he turned away from Cas, tears that he couldn't stop sliding down his cheeks. Dean felt a hand on his head, smoothing his hair and he looked up into Jen's eyes, this time with sorrow and a hint of fear in them. She remained still, waiting. When Dean looked at her, he realized that Jen must have known about everything. She must have known about the first seal, even before he was in Hell, back when he made the deal. Jen's consistent push to keep Winchesters out of the pit, both Dean and Dad, probably came out of that knowledge. Everything she did during the year of his deal was with this in mind.
"You knew." Dean confirmed, and Jen nodded. She was silent, but Dean could see the fear in her eyes. He understood: she wasn't certain how Dean would react. In the past, when he found out what she knew about demons and their destiny, he often got angry at her. This time, though, anger was the farthest thing from Dean's thoughts.
Jen took Dean's hand and sat by his bedside as he continued. "You've always known. That's what it all was about, everything you said back then, when I … " Dean's breath caught in a small sob as he thought about that year and her constant pushing to accept what was happening and to let her help him. "I should have listened to you. I ... I mean ... you." The remaining words that Dean wanted to say stuck in his throat as the tears started streaming out of his eyes again.
"Shh. It's okay." The sound of Jen's voice was soothing, but it didn't change the guilt Dean felt. She squeezed his hand and kept speaking. "You can't change the past. Things happened, you learn, you move forward, you remember. You use all of these things to make up the person you are now."
Dean's brow furrowed and he though I'm not sure I like the person I am now. He looked up at Jen, knowing she heard him. His chin trembled as he worked to hold back the sobs. He couldn't do this here, not with all the equipment and Castiel nearby.
Jen leaned closer to him and spoke quietly. "Dean. I can take you to a place, not a real place, but a place inside your head where you aren't bound by your physical body. It would be just us. It takes more energy than I usually expend, and our time will be limited, but if you want, I can do that."
Dean wasn't completely sure of what Jen was talking about, but it sounded significantly better than his current situation. He glanced over at Cas, then nodded to Jen. "Yes. Please," he whispered.
"Shut your eyes and relax." Jen instructed. Dean did so. He took a breath in and when he breathed out again, the sounds of the hospital were gone and instead he heard running water and birds chirping. He opened his eyes and could see that he was seated alongside a small lake, wearing normal clothes, not a hospital gown. He moved his arms and legs and felt his face.
"Wow." Dean said as he turned to see Jen seated beside him in a white, flowing skirt and tan top from clearly a much earlier time period. "Where are we?" Dean asked.
"Shannon's Pot, Ireland." Jen answered, smiling at Dean. "My home."
For a moment, Dean just stared around him at the scenery. Then, his mind drifted back to the situation at hand, and his role in breaking the first seal, and his eyes filled with tears again. He pulled his knees to his chest and leaned over, shaking his head as he spoke.
"I can't do this. It's too much responsibility. I don't do well with responsibility. Last time I was responsible for something, I landed in Hell and started this whole thing "
Jen put her arm around Dean's shoulders, and he leaned toward her. Tears escaped and began falling down his cheeks as the memories of the whole situation, torturing Alastair and finding out about the first seal filled his mind. Soon, all the memories of Hell that had been conjured up from where Dean had hidden them away began to surface, and Dean put his arms around Jen, sobbing like a child while she held him tightly, humming a soothing melody.
After what seemed like a long time, Dean's breathing slowed, and the tears began to dry up. He loosened his grip around her, but kept his head on her shoulder, and she kept her arm around him. That's when she finally spoke.
"The place we are at was known in ancient times as the Well of Knowledge. I was its guardian. People came to this place seeking wisdom and answers. They wished to drink the waters and have all the knowledge they needed. However, when I encountered a person who truly wanted the wisdom to help others, I refused to allow them to drink. True wisdom has to come from within, and if what you wish is help others, then you already have all you need."
Dean sniffed, listening carefully. "Is that your way of telling me I already know what I need to do?"
Jen chuckled. "In a way. I'm telling you that trying to help others and save lives is never wrong, no matter what happens in the end. This isn't new, I've said it before. I'm also reminding you to look inside yourself before you make the decision to help or not help the Angels. You must make the decision that you can live with no matter the actual consequences."
"I may have to think about this one for a while." Dean hated where following the Angels had been taking him, and he hated the idea of being the one who was supposed to save the planet. Still, he couldn't just watch and let it happen, could he? Right now, getting out still seemed like the best idea. The last thing he wanted was to go back to the hospital with Castiel watching and waiting, but he knew that time must be coming soon. "How much longer do we have here?" He asked Jen.
"Not much." Jen answered quietly.
"Can you sing something?" Dean asked. If there was anything that made him feel better in terrible situations, it was Jen's singing.
Jen smiled. "Of course."
"The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
my friends and I have had a tough time
bruising our brains hard up against change
all the old dogs and the magician
now I see we're in the boat in two by twos
only the heart that we have for a tool we can use
and the very close quarters are hard to get used to
love weighs the hull down with its weight
but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point
that's where I need to go"
Slowly, Dean noticed that the world around him was fading into a haze and the hospital room was reappearing. He shut his eyes and focused on the music as Jen continued.
"no way construction of this tricky plan
was built by other than a greater hand
with a love that passes all our understanding
watching closely over the journey
yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside
although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
the prize is always worth the rocky ride
but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point
that's where I need to go"
Dean felt himself getting more and more tired and soon he was asleep.
Castiel remained silent in the chair observing Dean and Jen. For a long time, they both sat silent and still as if in a trance. He didn't know exactly what she was doing with Dean, but she had put up a barrier to Dean's mind, and Castiel respected that. He knew that they needed Dean, and after this, Cas has no idea how to get Dean back. However, he knew that if anyone could get to Dean, it was Jen, so Cas could only hope that whatever Jen was doing would help.
Suddenly, Jen began to sing. Castiel had never heard her sing before, and even he felt almost entranced by the music. He saw Dean look at Jen for a moment, and then close his eyes and drift off to sleep.
"sometimes I ask to sneak a closer look
skip to the final chapter of the book
and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took
to get us where we are this far, this far
but the question drowns in its futility
and even I have got to laugh at me
no one gets to miss the storm of what will be
just holding on for the ride
the wood is tired and the wood is old
we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point
that's where I need to go"
When Jen finished, she turned and looked at Castiel.
"Those words were also meant for you."
Castiel wasn't completely sure that he understood, but he thought that he had a good idea of what she meant. Still, he remained quietly contemplative and she returned his silence. Both the Goddess and the Angel maintained vigil over Dean that night.