Hey guys. I told ya'll that eventually, I'd stop updating so frequently. In my defense, I have a good reason. Lots of stuff going on in real life right now. I've had this written for a while, but I couldn't post it because I didn't have a song. I buckled down this morning and found a song, though, because I've been hearing about the premiere and I wanted to update to counteract it. So I don't break down and watch. In eight years, it's the first time I didn't watch the premiere.
Onto another topic—I told ya'll that I was trying to personally respond to everyone's reviews. And I have been doing that. There are exceptions. I'm going to start with the one that I wanted to respond to, but couldn't because that person had PMs turned off.
rosiepine- Thank you for seeing both sides. It is absolutely what I most want a reader to take away. That while, yes. Poor Brooke. But Lucas didn't do anything in the last ten years that makes him deserve this. NOTHING actually could make him deserve THIS. Being Dan. It's his worst nightmare. Yes, he's probably going to eventually push to have Ethan be a Scott in name. Ethan isn't a random name but thank you for loving it. :) It IS Brucas.. and thank you for having faith that they'll overcome it. I believe they will too ;) Thanks for reading. I hope you continue to enjoy!
Also—bonus points if someone can tell me why I named him Ethan. (with, ya know, exceptions- I'm looking at you ,Tanya. And anyone else I've already told.)
Number two (this is going to be a long AN, just so you know.)- there are two or three people who I didn't respond to, even though it took everything in me not to. I'm going to respond to them now. And since I can't think of any better way to put it, I'm just going to copy and paste something I said in a DLA AN.- Two, and this is a very big one. And I'm very sorry if it offends anyone. I write for two reasons. 1) it helps me to release whatever emotions I'm feeling and 2) I feel like Lucas gets a raw deal and his motivations are never made clear and I always intend to fix that in my writing. Always. I know that I ask you to review. I want everyone to review, good or bad. I'm okay with constructive criticism. . . I just want to state that for the record, I love Lucas. I don't hate him on the show- so I most certainly do not hate him in my writing. And I'd never write Lucas in a way in which I felt portrayed him badly. I'm sorry if some of you think he's being an ass. I'm sorry if some of you feel he's not treating Brooke right. . . .Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is if you're so used to hating Lucas that you can't open yourself up to a decent Lucas- that's fine. Either, don't read. Or keep the Lucas hate (in reviews) to a minimum. It really affects my ability to write- if someone hates my Lucas.
I mean that. I actually almost chose to just delete this story. At least in DLA, I could almost get what some people were saying when they bashed Lucas. Almost. In this story, Lucas is not in the wrong. He was wronged. I know everyone loves Brooke. And that's okay- I love her, too. But it's okay for our favorite characters to have flaws. It fleshes them out. It makes them human. She made a mistake. A BIG ONE. And even if Lucas himself is blaming himself for it, he really IS NOT to blame. And while I'm okay with someone saying, hey, I feel bad for Brooke… but I get where Lucas is coming from. I'm not okay with someone saying Poor Brooke- LUCAS SUCKS! He didn't do anything to deserve that. He may have married Peyton, blah blah blah.. but he did not do anything that warrants his son being hidden from him for YEARS. So, if your review is going to be two or three lines of LUCAS SUCKS, please, just don't review. I'm fine if you don't review. I'd like you to… but if it's going to be negative energy that isn't constructive, keep it to yourself. Thanks.
So, on that note, onto the story. I don't own the characters or the song. FYI.
When I was younger,
I saw my daddy cry,
And curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart,
And I watched,
As he tried to reassemble it.
The moment Nathan opens the door; Lucas walks through into the house, this morning's hesitation long forgotten. He doesn't even greet his brother, beyond a curt hello, before going to look for his children, probably because he can't get into it with him right now.
He finds Haley on the deck off of the kitchen with Sawyer. When he steps outside, he sees that Jamie and Ethan are down by the lake on a swing set. Nathan follows him out and Haley's sympathetic eyes look up at him from her position on the deck.
"Did you know, Hales?" he can't help but ask the question. Was he the only one who didn't know? Is Peyton out of town because she didn't want to be here when it all blew up?
Sawyer, hearing his voice, pushes herself up to her feet and runs to him, squealing for him to pick her up. He drops down to her level and draws her in, close to him. "Hey baby," he whispers to her, "Are you having fun with Aunt Haley?"
"Uh-huh, Daddy," his little girl nods her head and smiles the same big grin that he saw on his son a few hours ago.
He can't help but return her smile and get caught up in her. "What have you been doing?"
"Blocks," she points to the legos that Jamie probably forgot about a long time ago. And then she points out to the boys, "Jamie and Ethan helped. Look."
Her finger goes to a very shaky building that's about as tall as her. And he smiles bigger. Hopefully, Ethan and Sawyer will move right in to being siblings. He might have a hard time adjusting to a dad or a mom but Sawyer's easy to love. "Baby, do me a favor?" she looks up at him with serious eyes. Daddy doesn't ask for many favors. "Run down to Jamie and Ethan and tell Ethan that we're going to leave. Okay? Go around that way." He points to the path furthest from the pool. "Stay away from the water."
She shakes her head and walks down the path he pointed to. When she's out of hearing range, he turns to Haley. "You gonna answer me?"
"I didn't know, Luke." She tells him. He can see she's being honest. "But last night, I had a feeling."
"What do you mean, you had a feeling?" he asks her. "It's not like a spidey sense can just pick up on Scott children. Mine doesn't, at least."
She looks around, as if the right words are eluding her. Finally she looks up at him and says, "Well, you tried to help her. She backed away. She covered his face."
"Brooke doesn't like help. It doesn't take rocket science to know that."
"Yeah," she says, "you're right. But he's almost as tall as her. He probably weighs about seventy-five percent of Brooke's weight, and he was asleep. So that's all dead weight. And she used one hand to hold him, while covering his face with the other. She wouldn't have shifted his weight like that if she wasn't trying to hide his face."
He nods but doesn't say anything. Why didn't he notice that? Haley continues, "Then she basically completely side-stepped when you asked how they were related. And, you know, I guess I … Don't take this the wrong way, Lucas…"
He looks at her and tells her the only thing he can. "I can't promise anything right now, Haley. But you will tell me anyway. Because I'm your best friend. And you know that I'm putting myself through hell trying to figure out how I didn't know. How I never knew."
"I guess," she starts again, slowly with a lack of confidence that wasn't there before. "When I was pregnant with Jamie, she was there for me. Sometimes, she knew what I wanted before I did. She knew how to hide it, until I was ready to tell Nathan. I never even thought about it, really. I just thought she was being a really great friend. She is a really great friend. But last night, when she went to hide his face. I just knew. I knew there was a reason she knew how to hide it so well. And maybe that there was a reason she never fully got over you. And if that were the case, maybe they were connected."
Lucas rolls his eyes and shakes his head at his best friend. "I guess I can't really be mad at you if you just figured it out. I don't want to be mad at you anyway. But don't say things like that, Hales. She's been over me for a long time. She didn't trust me enough to let me know that I had a son out there in the world. I don't even know if that's the right way to put it. She was never really under me to begin with if she didn't trust me. There is no love where there is no trust."
"Lucas," Haley starts, "now you know that's not true. You know how much she loves you."
He nods, watching his son take his daughter's hand and start back up the path. "I know that I thought we loved each other very much. So much so, that I just thought that it wasn't really supposed to go away. If you ever want a remedy for that love, just hide a baby from the person you feel that way about. I can promise you, he won't love you anymore."
"You don't mean that, Luke." Nathan finally jumps in. "She messed up, sure. But you have a son to raise. Together. You can't hate her."
He turns toward the path that Sawyer and Ethan are on. They're almost within hearing distance now. "Of course I don't hate her. And we'll have to co-parent. But that's it. She's not my friend. She's not even my ex-girlfriend. What happened between us senior year was a lie. Her lie. And that's final."
Sawyer chooses that moment to let go of Ethan's hand and run toward Lucas. "I got him, daddy!" she exclaims, "Where we going?"
Ethan is on the deck now, looking up at him. He's not frowning but he's not smiling either. Lucas knows that look. He sees it in the mirror all of the time. He's brooding.
"Uncle Lucas!" Jamie's arms fly around his neck. "I missed you so much. Did you know that I'm gonna have a sister? Well, mom is. But still, she's mine, too. Like dad said Sawyer's Ethan's sister. And now, I'll have one, too."
He smiles at his nephew. "A sister, huh? I didn't know that." His eyes travel over to Haley, who isn't showing at all. "I didn't know it was a girl."
"Technically," she tells him, while watching her son for disappointment, he's sure, "it's not. Yet. But I feel like it is. A girl, I mean."
Lucas smiles at Jamie, "Well, I know all about being a big brother, if you need a few pointers. I have a little brother and a little sister."
Jamie laughs. "Dad's not little but I guess Lily is."
He looks over at Ethan, who is still standing off to the side and tries to will him into the fray. He just wants his son to be happy. As if she can feel that will, Sawyer walks over to her brother, a word she probably doesn't know or understand yet, and takes his hand. "Daddy said we're leaving."
Lucas chuckles. He knows that's Sawyer's way of saying she's ready to go. To not share him with Jamie. "Alright, Jamie. I have some things I have to do. And Aunt Brooke is gonna want Ethan home before bedtime so," he wraps his arms around his nephew. "God, I've missed you. We'll see you soon, okay?"
They break apart and Jamie nods. "Just don't leave again, okay?"
Lucas smiles. "Not going anywhere. Promise."
He walks over to Haley and gives her a big hug and a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for sending me over there this morning."
He bends down, picks up Sawyer's diaper bag, and walks over to his kids. When his arms swoop down to pick up Sawyer, he makes eye contact with Ethan. "Maybe you want to say bye to your aunt and uncle and Jamie?"
Sawyer takes that to mean her, wiggling out of his arms to run to Haley and say her good-byes. Ethan is less enthusiastic but he nods. He walks over to Nathan first, hugs him, they whisper, and then he moves onto Jamie. They promise to play another game soon. Finally, he goes to Haley and politely thanks her for lunch. Lucas notices he doesn't say their names. Figuring out that he's trying his best not to let them be family, Lucas sighs. This is going to be hard.
He remembers the first time he met Royal and May. It was like pulling teeth. And he still doesn't think of them as his grandparents.
Sawyer walks back over to him and puts her arms out, ready to be picked up. He lifts her up this time and smiles at Ethan who is also at his side. His free arm reaches out for his son. Ethan doesn't flinch away, to his credit, but he stiffens just a little bit. Lucas nods at Haley and Nathan and then leads his son through the house and out to his car.
And my mama swore that,
She would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised,
I'd never sing of love,
If it does not exist.
-x-b-x-l-x-
But Darlin',
You are the only exception.
His dad came to pick them up at Jamie's house, just like he said he would. He overheard his aunt and uncle talking and thought that it would take him a lot longer to come for them. Haley seemed to think that Lucas was going to be really upset.
If he is, he can't tell. He's smiling at his little sister in the mirror, singing a silly song. Every once in a while, his eyes find Ethan's. He tries but he just can't seem to make himself smile. If anything could, though, it would be the way his little sister laughs every few lines at their dad.
His little sister. She looks so much like him that he almost can't believe she's not Brooke's, too. He wonders what her mom looks like and where she is. Wherever she is, Sawyer doesn't seem to miss her at all. At Sawyer's age, he remembers missing Brooke a lot. Aunt Charlotte talked about her all the time. He remembers wondering what she smelled like. If she gave big hugs or small ones. If she loved him, like Aunt Charlotte said she did. Maybe no one tells Sawyer about her mom. Maybe that's why she doesn't miss her.
Uncle Nathan called her Peyton. He wonders if Brooke knows her. If Brooke likes her. He wonders if he'll have to know her. If she'll like him. Or if she'll be mad that he exists.
Aunt Charlotte always said that his dad was the love of Brookie's life. He wonders if it hurt her when he had a baby with someone else. He wonders if he should care if it hurt her.
After all, she hurt him.
Just then, Lucas makes an abrupt turn. His eyes find Ethan's and Lucas smiles at him. "I was just going to bring you to my house. Talk to you. But you've had a lot to deal with lately, right?" He continues without waiting for Ethan to answer him. "It sounded like you had a lot of fun with Jamie playing ball. Maybe you'd wanna play a game with me?"
He seems so hopeful and Ethan can't bring himself to hurt Lucas. He knows that Lucas didn't know about him. He even knows that Lucas would have never left him with Great Aunt Charlotte. He doesn't know how he knows that—it's just something he senses. But at the same time, there's a little three year old left over in him. He wonders why his dad isn't with his mom. Why isn't Sawyer their baby? And if he hurt her, did he know he was hurting her?
And again, why does he even care when she doesn't care about him?
Lucas must sense his hesitation because he goes on. "There's this little court I used to play on. It was my favorite place in the world. I wanted to show it to you. You know, when I found out I couldn't play anymore, I closed off. I shut everyone out. And came here. Your mom found me here. I want you to know this place is here. Since Tree Hill's gonna be your home, if you ever need to go somewhere to think, this is a good place for that."
"But then you and Brooke would know where to find me," he tells him, without any hesitation.
Lucas smiles at him. "You're a smart one. Yeah, we'd know where to find you. But if we knew you were here and safe, we'd also be able to give you space to think."
Lucas doesn't get upset with him for calling his mom, Brooke. And that's enough for him to be convinced into playing. Plus, he wants to see if his dad is as good as Nathan. And maybe find out why he can't play.
When they pull up, he sees why his dad likes it so much here. It's beautiful.
You are the only exception.
-x-b-x-l-x-
Maybe I know, somewhere,
Deep in my soul,
That love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways,
To make it alone.
Keep a straight face.
Brooke is sitting on her couch, staring out into oblivion. She doesn't know how long she's been there, only that the wall seems to have disappeared. She can see through it now to the bay outside her door. Past the bay, through the town she grew up in, and over a hill is a basketball court by another body of water. She can see it clearly.
Lucas said he was going to take Ethan there. He's probably going there for more than just their son. He needs to think. She remembers a time when he loved her so much that he shared that court with her. He told her that it was his world. That she was the biggest part of his world. And she, for some God forsaken reason, chose not to believe him.
She chose not to let him all the way in and then threw the fit of the century when she felt like he wasn't letting her into a small part of his life. During a time when he had every right to shut down, she made it worse for him. That was probably her guilt, hindsight tells her that. She must have known that she wasn't going for Ethan. She must have known that she was never going to tell Lucas, of her own volition, about his son. And she just kept pushing him away—he said that's what she was doing—because she never felt like he needed her.
He did everything he could to make her feel loved and she never did. Maybe there's something wrong with her. Maybe she's unlovable.
With her luck, he'll have their son loving him by the end of the night and neither one of them will even be talking to her. Where will that leave her? Worse off than earlier this week, when she was just sad that she couldn't have them with her on her wedding day. Now they're both in front of her and she still can't have them.
At least Lucas isn't going to take Ethan away. She had been so worried that Ethan would just go with Lucas and she'd be left without a chance to get him to understand.
All of a sudden, she feels the couch sink down next to her. She doesn't need to turn to know it's Haley's arms that are wrapped around her. Years of hugging her are enough to just know the hug.
Haley's hands reach up and wipe at tears that Brooke didn't even know she was crying. "Well, Nate and I discussed it. And he thought I should give you both some time. But I needed to see for myself that you were okay."
Brooke shakes her head and smiles through the tears in her hazel eyes. "I thought you'd be as mad as Lucas."
"Luke's not mad, Brooke," Haley tells her. "He's hurt."
Brooke shoots her a look. "You did not hear him. He's mad, Hales. He hates me."
"He's not…" Haley sighs. "Okay, maybe he's a little mad. But he's more hurt and he could never hate you. You're Brooke Davis. He's Lucas Scott. It's not possible for him to hate you."
"In this case, I think the world makes exceptions. And if he doesn't hate me, I'm sure his wife—who, by the way, he's also really mad at but I wasn't in the position to ask why—will fix that right up. She's going to tear me and Ethan to shreds when she finds out. Where is she?"
"I don't know, he said she went to see some band play or something. He's mad at her? What makes you think that?"
Brooke shakes her head. "I don't know, Hales. It was in the way he said her name. Like remember senior year, whenever we'd see Chris or hear him on the radio or even that time he picked us up on the side of the road, Lucas's voice just got really sarcastic. And mean. He talked about her in passing when we were screaming blame at each other and he talked about her in that same voice."
"You were screaming at each other?" Haley asks, "I guess it's a good thing Nate took Ethan home with him. "
"Yeah," she looks into her best friend's warm brown eyes. "Thanks for that. How was he? Did he seem okay?"
Haley nods, "He seemed fine. A little quiet, especially at first. He really liked Sawyer. And she took right to him. He's a really good basketball player for having never been on a team. Jamie liked him a lot, too. He went with Lucas, when he came to get him. But it was like he was walking to an execution. His whole demeanor changed when Lucas started to interact with him. It's almost like he's afraid to have us as a family. Which I guess is normal."
"He hates me," Brooke tells her.
"Brooke," Haley says, softly. "He does not. He doesn't know you. Or any of us, really. But he does want to know you. He asked Nathan if you'd be okay alone with Lucas—because he seemed really mad. He asked Jamie questions about you. You and Lucas. Give him time. Prove to him over and over that you love him. You're so good with foster kids. You know how this works. I know that it sucks because he's yours…" she shakes her head like she doesn't want to say anymore. Brooke urges her on. She wants to know what Haley really thinks. "You kind of did this to yourself. But that doesn't mean he hates you. It just means you have to work twice as hard to prove you love him. And I know you do."
Brooke wraps her arms around Haley. "I really, really do, Hales. I know I did this. I thought it was for the best, for him, though, I swear it to you."
"I know you did, Brooke. If I didn't know that, I wouldn't be here. I'm here because the Brooke Davis I know and love, the girl who stood by me when I got pregnant senior year, the girl who loved my best friend with everything in her even when he didn't know it, and the woman who continued to love him and everyone else, including my son, around her, would not have done this if she didn't think it was the right thing to do."
Brooke feels her eyes start to fill again. "I wish Lucas could understand that."
"He will, Brooke." Haley tells her. "You just need to give them both some time."
They sit there silently for a good twenty minutes. Haley just being there as Brooke's shoulder and Brooke taking that chance to lean on someone, for a change.
"Time, you can give them. That doesn't mean you need to give them space." Haley tells her, "Why don't you ride out to the rivercourt and watch your son play?"
Brooke smiles. Why didn't she think of that?
And I've always lived like this.
Keeping a comfortable, distance.
-x-b-x-l-x-
And up until now,
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness.
He's been playing ball with his dad for a whole hour now. At least. Sawyer got bored and wandered off to the side of the court to play with some leaves. His dad looks over at her every few minutes to make sure she's safe but he's still just playing with him.
Like he matters, too. Like what he wants, matters.
They haven't said much other than Lucas giving him a few pointers on how to better follow through. On better foul shots. He figures Lucas is trying to give him time to figure out what he wants to say. Or to just think.
He's ready to talk. "So, Uncle Nate says you played with him in high school. Why aren't you a professional player, too?"
Lucas sighs deeply. "You sure picked a big question as your first one."
Ethan starts to feel like maybe he made a bad choice and maybe this question will make Lucas not want to spend time with him so he says, "It's okay. You don't have to answer it."
Lucas smiles at him. "No. I want to. You should know anyway. You should probably be checked if your mom didn't have you checked." He notices that whenever Lucas talks about Brooke, he makes sure to call her his mom. Like he needs to be reminded. "My heart's sick."
That scares Ethan. "You need your heart, Aunt Charlotte always said. Does that mean you're going to die?"
"No. Not at all. I'm not going anywhere, Ethan." His dad reassures him. "When I was in high school, a few years older than you are now, my real dad got sick. It was his heart. They tested my brother and me for it and I had the same problem as my dad. But because they caught it so soon, I'm fine. I just have to take medicine. The medicine slows me down and I can't play at the same level that I used to anymore. That's all."
He's still not completely reassured but Lucas seems really sure. So that's enough for him. For now. "Your real dad? Did you have more than one dad?"
"Your Uncle Nathan and I have the same father and different moms. Kind of like you and Sawyer. But I swear, it's not quite the same." He looks away and Ethan can feel his sadness. He knows that feeling. "My dad left me with my mom and he raised Nathan with his mom. But his brother, my Uncle Keith, helped my mom raise me. He was like a dad to me."
"I don't have anyone like that," he tells Lucas, a need to assure him that he doesn't quite understand rising up in him. "Just my Aunt raised me, I guess. But I always knew she wasn't my mom. So I didn't even have anyone who was like a mom to me."
Lucas lets the ball drop and checks on Sawyer again. His eyes scan the ground, as if he's seeing something on the blacktop that Ethan can't see, before finding him again. He's more serious when he speaks this time, "Ethan, had I known, I swear to you, everything would be different."
Ethan takes that as his cue to ask the question that he really wants an answer to and he doesn't even know why. But he just needs to know. "Would you still be with Brooke, if you knew? Uncle Nate says you were really in love with her. But Sawyer's not my full sister. We have different moms. Would you still be with Sawyer's mom?"
Lucas walks over to him and takes his hand. Ethan doesn't say anything but he likes it when Lucas touches him. It's like he's a real son. Like he has a real dad. Just like everyone else on the island. They walk over to the bleachers, close to where Sawyer is playing.
"I can't answer that for you," his dad tells him. "I know it's a really, really important question. I can tell because you have my eyes. And I know what I look like when something really means a lot to me. You look like that right now. But that's a hard question, Ethan. It's a really hard question. I will tell you this. Your Uncle Nathan is absolutely telling you the truth. I was so in love with your mom that I couldn't see anything else. I couldn't see that she had something going on with her. But now, looking back, knowing about you. I see all of these little things. She was sad and I did something that made her think she couldn't trust me. So she was afraid to tell me about you. But, you have to believe this, she missed you so much. I can see that now. I was just too caught up in what I needed from her that I couldn't see why she wasn't giving it to me. I thought it was all about me. And, I guess, in a way, it was. I failed her. But I want you to give her a chance. Because this is more my fault than it is hers. She loves you. She always has."
"But I don't understand," Ethan says to him. "If she loved me, why didn't she keep me? And if you loved her, why didn't she trust you? And why don't you still love her? Aunt Charlotte always told me that love never goes away. She said you were the great love of my mom's life."
That was what Aunt Charlotte said. And Aunt Charlotte never lied to him. She didn't believe in sugar-coating things just because he was a kid. She said kids were just people, in smaller bodies. So it has to be true. They loved each other. She told him that. And then Uncle Nathan did, too. And Lucas just said he loved Brooke. If that's true, why isn't he with her?
Why does he have a sister with a mom named Peyton?
Who is Peyton? And does Lucas love her more? Does that mean that he will always love Sawyer more because he loves her mom more?
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Well, You, are, the only exception.
-x-b-x-l-x-
I've got a tight grip on reality.
But I can't,
Let go of what's in front of me here.
Lucas sighs. Man, his son is smart. He asks good questions. He doesn't beat around the bush; he just comes right out with it. It's almost scary how he can get right to the heart of the matter.
He wonders where he got that from since both he and Brooke have become masters at skirting around the real topics over the years.
It's a good question and he can't answer it. Maybe Aunt Charlotte was misinformed because he is not the great love of Brooke's life. He's spent too many nights to count, lying awake at night, wishing that were true. Wishing that Brooke loved him just half the amount that he loved her.
Wishing that she loved him enough to fight for them. Instead of just stepping out of the way, even though he was begging her not to.
And he'll probably spend the rest of his life wondering why she gave up their son and didn't tell him about it. But he knows Brooke. She wasn't lying back at her house. She loves their son. She thinks she did the best thing for everyone. That's just who she is. She makes decisions based on how she thinks other people feel. And though she thinks it's the right thing, sometimes, she's wrong. This is one of those times. He doesn't know if he'll ever forgive her for being so wrong. But he needs to help Ethan try to forgive her. Because Ethan and Brooke need each other.
She's his mother. And even though he doesn't know it yet, they love each other too.
As for love, he didn't think his love for Brooke would ever go away. But now he's questioning if it was ever even love to begin with. He doesn't know if there can be love where there is no trust. He sort of feels like he needs his mom to explain it to him. So he can explain it to his son.
He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts racing through it at warp speed. He needs to answer his son now. He doesn't have the luxury of calling his mom for an answer first. "When you get to know her, you'll understand that your mom makes decisions in a way that most people don't. Most people aren't strong enough to make choices the way she does. She doesn't think about herself in decision making. So it didn't matter that she loved you, what mattered was that she thought she was doing the right thing for you. And, I guess, for me. I loved your mom but we were both young. And I made some mistakes. That's why she didn't trust me. And I can't answer about Sawyer's mom because that would take Sawyer out of this world. And I love her, too. And, Ethan, I love you. So much it hurts. I want you both in my world. That's all I can say."
It's all he knows. They sit there, silently watching Sawyer ruin another outfit in the North Carolina mud that surrounds his favorite place in the world. He thinks back to a time when his world only consisted of home and this place. He remembers telling this little boy's mom that she was the biggest part of his world. And she was. He meant every word of it.
And she stood there, watching him bring her into every part of his life, letting him soak her into his every pore, all while lying to him. A lie by omission is still a lie. And now, thinking back to every night he spent on this hallowed ground with her, all he feels is betrayal.
Where he used to feel this all-consuming love, he feels empty.
Lied to.
She did that.
And even though he knows that, he can't help the part of him that whispers, in Brooke's voice, that she did it because of him. The part of him that tells him that this is his fault. The part of him that is thankful to have Sawyer. The part that knows Sawyer wouldn't exist without Brooke's lie. That knows he'd have never gone back to Peyton, regardless of anything else, if he'd have known that Brooke already had his child.
He'd have never given up on Brooke.
And that's what he did, by going to Peyton. He gave up on the hope that he'd ever be that in love again. He let it go and replaced it with something familiar. Something safe. That's what Peyton was.
No wonder their life sucks. It's no wonder that Peyton barely wants to be with him and their child. He chose safe.
And he can't even wish he hadn't because he got his little girl out of it. How sick is that?
"Hey," he looks toward his son. "How bout we play another game before we head to my house?"
He needs to just focus on what he has. Right in front of him. And get Brooke and Peyton and everything wrong that he's ever done out of his head.
Lucky for him, Ethan nods. "I think I might beat you this time."
They fall into a playful banter that wasn't there before and he hopes that they can build on this for the rest of the afternoon.
Until Brooke walks up.
He doesn't see her; he doesn't need to. He can feel her presence, as if he conjured her up. And then Sawyer screams out for her and he knows she's real.
I know you're leaving,
In the morning, when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.
-x-b-x-l-x-
You, are, the only exception.
You, are, the only exception.
You, are, the only exception.
You, are, the only exception.
It's weird. Sawyer is ecstatic to see her and both of the boys freeze. The one person on this court who should be the least attached to her is the only one who wants to see her.
"Hey, Little Miss," she says to her childhood best friend's daughter. "That is an extremely expensive outfit that your daddy's letting you ruin." She looks over to Lucas and tries for a confident smile. She doesn't think she quite made it. "I should know. I bought it."
Sawyer jumps up into her arms and she can feel Ethan's cringe from ten feet away. "I thought I would come out and watch ya'll play," she tells them. "Your Aunt Haley said you're really good, Ethan. And I haven't seen your dad play in a really long time."
She and Lucas lock eyes and she knows she has a long way to go. But he's not looking at her with the icy blue from a few hours ago, so that's a start. When neither of them says anything to her, she continues, "I'll just go over here. The sidelines are like home to me."
She starts to walk away when she hears her son's voice and for the first time, it doesn't have any hint of sarcasm behind it, at all. "Uncle Nathan said you were a really good cheerleader. Maybe you can teach Sawyer to cheer for me while I kick her dad's butt?"
She smiles, turns around to face him, and nods. "You've got it."
That's also a start. It's not a lot by any means. And he's still not referring to either of them as his mom or dad. But it's something.
Lucas catches her eye again and she can tell he's thinking the same thing. They share a smile. It's not monumental or anything.
But it'll get better. She knows it will.
It has to.
And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing.
Alright, guys, I know my first AN was long enough for everyone. I won't keep you here. Hope you enjoyed. Please review :)
xx-Cor