So, I wrote a chapter... Or, rather, I rewrote two scenes that I had written over two years ago and then wrote a couple of scenes. I have no idea if it's any good. It's not really long. Actually, I think it's about two pages shorter than I usually make my chapters.
Thank you all for the swift and positive response! I'm glad there are still people out there who love BL. While I feel that I'm probably too old for fandom and I'm pretty busy for fandom, I will never get over this fandom and this couple.
I have always said that I wouldn't ever leave a story hanging... I know that I left this one for a long time. But hopefully, I will finish it.
This song doesn't really go with the chapter. But it does encapsulate how Brooke, Lucas, and Ethan all feel right now. How Brooke and Lucas, and Ethan-probably, have felt for most of their lives. I think it's appropriate.
Insert the same old disclaimer here.
I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
It's hard, I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
-x-b-x-l-x-
I'm sinking in the sand, and I can barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
"Aunt Brooke, is this your house?" Sawyer smiles up at her.
Brooke's eyes take in the living room and dining room. She's only been gone two hours but there's a mess in the rooms that wasn't there when she left. There are boxes and she can tell that it's Julian's stuff in those boxes.
She looks down at Sawyer and tries to smile at her. "Yes, baby, it is. You know, your mama lived here in this house with me for awhile. I bought it for her and me."
Ethan's head turns toward her and his face is full of curiosity. He must wonder who his stepmom is. She didn't even realize that until this very moment. She's not just sharing her son with Lucas. She's sharing him with Peyton, too. Sometimes she feels like the universe likes to laugh at her, so it plays as many sick, cruel jokes as it can on her. Hasn't she shared enough with Peyton over the years?
Hasn't she given Peyton enough?
At that moment, she has to let the thought go because Julian walks out from the bedrooms carrying more of his things.
"What are you doing?" She can't even fathom that he's really going to leave over this. He supposed to love her. She didn't even really do anything to him.
He looks over at them and she tries to separate herself from the group that just walked through the door. Except she's holding Sawyer. And she knows that it looks bad. She knows it looks like she and Lucas were just out together as a family. But he doesn't know the whole story. He doesn't know that Lucas is barely speaking to her.
"I see I was wrong about how he'd react," comes the only response she's going to get from Julian. It's bitter. But then he turns to Lucas. "What, Peyton's not enough for you? You've always wanted both of them. And now you have them. Now, you're your father's son. Two women you love. Two babies. Hey, the brunette even gave birth first!"
Lucas's silence is deafening even as the muscle in his jaw ticks. Brooke knows that look and she knows he's about ten seconds away from swinging a fist. At Julian. Ethan and Sawyer are both looking at the adults in the room, confused. Lucas takes a deep breath and bends down to be eye level with his son.
"Can you do me a favor?" he asks Ethan. Their little boy nods but doesn't say anything. "I need you to take Sawyer outside. Don't go out of the yard or near the bay. Don't let Sawyer go out of the yard or near the water."
"Okay." Ethan looks up at Brooke and smiles at his sister in her arms. "Wanna go outside with me?"
She squirms and Brooke gives her a kiss before putting her down. She smiles at her little boy, so grown up. "Thanks, buddy."
He nods and smiles back at her. It's the first one that he's directed at her. She wishes that she could savor it and not have to deal with what's about to unfold with Julian, between Lucas and Julian. Ethan takes a hold of Sawyer's hand and starts walking toward the back sliding doors.
As if he thinks better of it, Lucas calls out to them. "Wait." When both kids turn around, Lucas bends down and pulls them into a group hug. "I love you both so much. I just needed to say that."
Even though he whispered it, Brooke's close enough to hear the declaration. She smiles. Even if Lucas hates her, he loves Ethan. That's all that really matters. He'll never be Dan.
The children are finally both through the glass doors that block out all noise and Lucas is turning toward Julian. This is going to be a battle.
She knows it just by the gleam in his eye and the tick in his jaw.
I try to be patient, but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
-x-l-x-b-x-
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home
Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
Lucas doesn't even know where to start but Julian just crossed a clear line. If he's pissed at Brooke, fine. Get in line. But he is not going to insinuate that he's anything like Dan. He's definitely not going to do it in front of his children, who will know as little about their paternal grandfather as possible.
Julian has gone back to packing. Why Brooke even asked him what he was doing is beyond Lucas. It's clear. He's leaving.
He never was good enough for Brooke. She falls for idiots. He blames himself. It's a cycle.
"Do you even realize you crossed a line, Julian? Or am I going to need to break it down for you?"
"I crossed a line?" Julian asks, seeming incredulous. "You just walked in here with my fiancé, all cozied up, like family. And I crossed the line. Incredible. Do you do no wrong, Saint Lucas? Well, no. Brooke's the saint, right? She does no wrong. Except, she got pregnant in high school and hid it from everyone. I mean, really, Lucas? You didn't know she was pregnant? How do you not know your girlfriend is pregnant?"
Lucas shakes his head. He's been asking himself the same question but refuses to give this coward the satisfaction. "One, she wasn't my girlfriend while she was pregnant. B, neither of us are saints and we don't claim to be. And three, we were bonding with our son. And if this was any other day, I would actually just tell you that Brooke and I are family. But I'm really pissed at her right now. But we've always been family. Always. The five of us. Brooke, Peyton, Nathan, Haley, and Me. Other people come in and out, sure. You, for example. But you aren't a part of that family. That family was formed somewhere during senior year of high school. No one else gets it. But right now, since I'm pissed at her, I'll just say this: Don't mess with her, Julian. And do not mess with me. Or my kids. I've had a really bad day and I might be apt to take it out on you if you attack Brooke again. Or if you bring Dan into this again. What the hell did you mean, I didn't take it like you thought I would?"
"I thought Brooke would be in court fighting for custody. Instead, she's a nice, happy little family with you and the boy. Oh, and your wife's kid. Where is your wife, anyway, Lucas? How's she gonna feel about your bonding with a child she never knew about, with her best friend? I bet she's just going to love it," Julian throws back at him.
He's pressing his luck. Julian knows it, from the look on his face. The only thing that's keeping Lucas from just hitting him like he wants to is the fact that though the kids can't hear through the glass, they can see through it. He's not about to upset either of them.
"Julian." Brooke's voice cuts through the tension, between the two of them. "Please. Don't do this. Why are you baiting him? You're mad at me. Lucas didn't do anything. He was in the dark, just like you. Yell at me. But stop taking stabs at him."
Lucas looks over at her. "Don't defend me, Brooke. You lost that right about ten years ago." It's unforgiving and how he feels but he instantly feels guilty for the way he said it. He pushes past the hurt look on her face. He tries not to see it. It doesn't work. So he tries to make his voice less harsh. "Alright, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Just not today, okay, Brooke? I'm still mad at you." He is. Still mad at her. But he won't let this class A idiot continue to hurl hurtful insinuations at them either. He turns back to Julian. "But just because I'm mad at her doesn't change the fact that she's Ethan's mom. And he's my son. And I'm not my father's son. If Peyton doesn't like it, she'll have to take a lesson from you in packing. She knows how to do it pretty well all on her own but who knows? Maybe when you're leaving for good, it's different. If you wanna know where she is, so the two of you can commiserate, you'll have to take a number. I'd like to know where she is so I can tell her to her face. She's off seeing some band, pissed because we're staying here. So, the fact that Ethan's going to hold me here even more? She's probably not going to like it. You're right. But again, I have no problem with her leaving."
"So, what?" Julian smirks at him and he's itching to just wipe it off his face. "You're okay with her leaving because now Brooke's an option again?"
"Brooke. Is. Not. An. Option." Lucas annunciates every word. And even still, his heart doesn't believe it. If only his heart wasn't broken, maybe he could convince it. "What she and I had… whatever it was. Whatever you're jealous of. It was a long time ago. But more than that, it was a lie. I'm okay with her leaving because she's never really around to begin with. I want Sawyer's mom to be around, just like I want Ethan's in his life. But I'm sick of the heartache it all causes my children. I'm sick of what it does to me. So, Peyton's going to have to realize… he's mine. And if she has an issue, well, I'm not going to let her do any more damage to another one of my kids. Got it, Julian? I know that your mind is being filtered through this intense jealousy you have of a connection between Brooke and me that I'm not sure ever existed and I'm trying to be understanding and not just break your jaw so that you shut up. But if you don't shut up, my understanding will run out. We clear?"
Their eyes are locked; the tension in the air could suffocate someone. Brooke breaks it again by speaking. "Julian, maybe you should just go. I'll ship your boxes. Where do you want them sent?"
Lucas is busy watching her. It's fascinating to be on the outside, watching Brooke be calm during a break-up. The difference between then and now is he knows that walking away from him didn't hurt her near as much as letting Julian walk away from her now is. He can see it's slowly killing her. Her breath is hitched and her eyes too wide. She's trying to hold it in. How much this hurts. For that alone, he wants to hurt Julian. She actually loves him. He has Brooke Davis's love. True love.
How could he leave her? Lucas would never have been able to. And he doesn't even have a good reason. It's not like she hid his son from him.
"Brooke," Julian sighs, sounding resigned. "I'm sorry if you're hurting. I really can't tell if you are or not. But if so, I'm sorry. I can't… No. I won't be second best to him. I won't watch you raise his son with him. I won't be his son's stepfather. I really do love you. But…"
"If you loved her," Lucas can't help himself, he has to interrupt him. "If it was real and true, you'd do anything for her. Anything at all." His eyes touch on Brooke again. He knows a boy who would have done anything for her. And she was lying to him. "I know what it feels like to love her. It's not possible that you do. Not if you're leaving over this."
"You're right, Lucas." Julian says, a sneer coming back into his voice. "You really know what it is to love Brooke Davis. That's why you chose Peyton. You remember that, right? You. Chose. Peyton. I'm leaving because of a lie. Because I won't be second best. Again. Forever. You left because you wanted someone else. You really know what it feels like to love her. So much so, you said in writing, in a book you had published, for the whole world to see, that you always loved her best friend. Even while you were with her."
And just like that, Lucas can only see red. Anger taking over, he steps toward Julian, done with caring that anyone can see what he's about to do. Brooke flies across the room and plants herself in front of him. "Don't. Lucas. Don't." She keeps her hand on his chest and turns toward Julian. "Out. Now, Julian. I want you out."
His breathing has evened out, her touch bringing him back to reality, and Julian's eyes are on the two of them, judging. "Not that I need to explain myself to you, Jackass, but it's called an editor. Some of those words were not my own. And I never left Brooke. I never would have. She left me. You have no clue how much I loved her. And now, I really think you should do what she asks. Leave."
He looks between the two of them. Then shaking his head, as if he's given up, says, "Fine. Send them to my dad's address. I'm going out there for awhile. You know, it's a shame that she walked away from you, Lucas. It's a shame you couldn't see how it killed her to do it. It's a shame that now, more people are going to get hurt for you both to realize that it should have been you together all along. And maybe you'll hate me for this. For awhile. But I'm leaving because I refuse to be here when that happens."
"Shut up, Julian." Brooke tells him. "It's enough, already. We're friends. We've always been friends. We share a child. A child I lied about and he hates me for it. There is going to be no realization. Lucas was playing basketball with his son. I went to watch. That's all. You're blowing this way out of proportion."
She drops her hand from Lucas's chest and immediately, he misses it. What is wrong with him? He needs to figure out how to hate her. It's like trying to figure out how to live without air.
It's second nature to love her with everything in him.
She's walking toward Julian now. When she's directly in front of him, she hands him something. "Here. I guess I probably won't be needing this now. Please, go."
Julian nods at her, turns his head up to look at Lucas, and says, "Before you do anything this time, be sure. Stop messing with their heads."
And then he's gone.
Lucas lets out a long sigh and covers his face. Quietly, he asks the only thing he can after all of that emotional vomit. "Have I ever messed with your head, Brooke?"
I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall
-x-b-x-l-x-
And I'm scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone
How does she answer that? Does he even want an answer?
"No, you know what. Nevermind." He interrupts her thoughts. "I can see the answer on your face. Can I just say something?"
She nods at him because she's pretty sure that she lost her power of speech when Julian took her engagement ring and just walked out.
"I never meant to mess with your mind. I never meant to hurt you. I know, obviously I know, that I did, during junior year. I know that. I know I should have told you about the kiss in the library sooner than I did. But I still don't think I hurt you the way you hurt me, senior year. And I'm not even talking about the lying. You walked away. You broke my heart. You wouldn't talk to me." He shakes his head and takes a sad breath, "You pushed me at Peyton. God, what was I supposed to do? Was it a test? I failed then, I guess. I lost a long time ago. And I've been scrambling ever since. But I have always loved you, until this morning. No head games, Brooke. We need to go into this co-parenting with a complete understanding of the other person's side. And that's mine. I didn't get a chance to say it this morning."
She just nods because he seems so sure and she can't really speak anyway. She knows he never meant to hurt her. She's searching for her voice to say something but she really has lost all of her cognitive abilities.
His eyes implore her and he says, "Say something, Brooke. Please."
"I can't." Is that her voice? It's two notches higher than usual and tight. "I'm just trying…"
That's all she gets out. The tears come and she's sobbing full force again. "He's talking about your head games. He was supposed to love me. It was supposed to be a safe bet, marrying him. And he's gone. And you hate me but you loved me this morning. Only, I never knew you loved me. Or, maybe I knew. Just not as much as you're saying you did. My son, the only one I'm ever gonna have, hates me. I'm just really… feeling… unlovable… right now."
His arms come around her and he's holding her tight. "Shh, don't say that. You're not unlovable. No one hates you."
"He was supposed to love me, Lucas." She can't help herself. Falling apart isn't something she does often but when she does, it's hard to stop it. "Just me. Only me."
"It's gonna be okay," he's whispering into her hair. "We're all gonna be okay. You don't need him, Brooke. You have Ethan. He's going to love you so much. Just talk to him. You have me."
She pulls back and looks at him, "You?"
Is he saying he'll be able to forgive the unforgivable? Twice in a lifetime?
"Even when I'm mad at you, you have me. I'm not going anywhere." He's so sincere and for the first time, in a long time, she takes him at his word. And lets him comfort her.
When her sobs are ebbing away, he pulls back. "I'm gonna go say goodbye to Ethan and take Sawyer home. But I'll see you tomorrow."
She nods.
"Brooke," he says, sounding as if he's asking a question.
"Hmm?" she looks up at him. She feels so lost.
"Are you gonna be okay, here, alone with him?"
She smiles, knowing that it's a little shaky. "I'll be fine. We should talk anyway."
He nods. "Okay." He hesitates, then asks, "Can I have the rest of the letters?"
I can't seem to breathe when I am lost in this dream
I need you to hold me
-x-l-x-b-x-
So I hold my pillow tight,
To imagine you would stretch your hand looking for mine
Why did he just ask that? He's not sure he wants to read them. He's not sure he can bare it. What if they heap more guilt on the load he's already carrying.
She looks away from him and he can tell she's scared. "Sure," she starts softly. "I told you that you could. Would you like the pictures that Aunt Charlotte sent to me over the years as well?"
It's his turn to be unsure again. Does he want to see the life that his son has been living without him for the past ten years? Of course. He wants to look at a smiling child in pictures. To know that he was happy and loved. After all, Brooke would never have left him there if she had the slightest inclination that he wasn't happy. She's too nurturing, to caring to have done that. But how can he be sure? He'd never have thought she would do something like this to him. To a child. To them. Peyton? Yeah, he could admit to himself that Peyton might have done this. But Brooke. His Brooke would never have done this. And then he's back to thinking that maybe he really never knew her at all.
But that can't be true. He can't believe that. He loved this girl so much. He spent hours learning everything about her. He read the letters that she gave him over and over. And just when he thought he'd read them too much, he'd read them once more and realize just how much he loved her again. When he left everyone behind to outrun his daddy issues and the triangles that haunted him for too many years, he still brought those letters. Even last week, while Sawyer slept and Peyton went out on the town, he read a few. Just his favorite few.
-x-
I don't know why I just left. I have so much to say to you, Luke. I don't even know where to begin. I wonder if you know how much I cared about you before. Before everything. Even after what you did, I couldn't bring myself to a place where I didn't care. I've always cared. The problem is, I don't know if you ever did. I can't bring myself to ask you. I don't know if you want me now because you always have, or because you see something new, or, and this would be the worst, because Peyton isn't an option. Don't answer that. I don't think I want to know. I just want you to know that I do care. That my heart is broken with all of the caring. That I need you to care back. In any way that you can give me.
-x-
He needs to read the other letters. That open, honest girl that he fell in love with wrote him more letters. He wants—no needs- to know what she was thinking. He believes that those letters will help him. Whether they help him to be a friend to a girl who clearly needs her friends right now or just help him to be able to co parent without resentment toward a girl who took everything from him without even asking his opinion. He needs help. Help that only that girl can give him. He needs to talk to the seventeen year old girl he loved more than he has ever loved anyone else.
He shakes his head. "I want the letters. Maybe after I've read them, I'll be able to stomach the pictures. I just can't right now. But I need the letters," he tells her.
She nods and he can tell that it's not what she wanted to hear. He just can't give her that. He can't fathom taking away any of the guilt she's feeling right now. Pictures will not give him back the last ten years. She turns toward the bedroom and he takes that as a cue to go get Sawyer and say goodnight to Ethan.
Walking out the back door, he hears them talking. About his mom.
"Grandmom Karen has Aunt Lily," Sawyer tells Ethan, matter of factly.
Ethan looks very interested in what she's saying. "Who's Aunt Lily? Is she old like your Dad and Brooke?"
Sawyer laughs. "No, silly. She's a kid. Like us. Anyway, they live where I live. It's far, far away. I never even sawed Aunt Brooke in real life until today. Daddy shows me pictures and she sends me things and we talk on the 'puter."
"You don't live here?" Ethan sounds confused and Lucas knows that he has to stop this conversation before Sawyer mixes up things, more than they already are.
"Hey, guys!" He interrupts them on purpose, "Ethan, we do live here. I have a house in the town we drove through to get out here from the rivercourt. We just moved back. We were traveling for a few years."
Ethan still seems like he doesn't understand. "So is that where your wife is? Will she be coming too?"
"Mommy is here," Sawyer informs him. "She came on the plane but she was cranky. I didn't seed her today, have I, Daddy?"
Lucas shakes his head, angry at himself for not ever even trying to figure out where Peyton was today. That's going to make her even more cranky tomorrow. "Mommy had work to do, baby. Maybe you can see her tomorrow," then he turns to his newfound son, "You will definitely see me tomorrow. You can count on it."
Sawyer was bobbing her head up and down at her brother now. "Mommy always works but Daddy can work whenever he wants so he has lots of time to spend with the people he loves most. Like me." Then she smiles and does something incredible, "And you, 'cause you are daddy's kid now too."
Lucas brings them both into a big group hug. His kids. He would do everything he could to protect them from all of the evil in this world. He kisses Ethan on the forehead and whispers to him, "Give your mom a chance tonight. She's had a hard couple of days."
It's so easy for him to be generous where she's concerned when he's looking into the big blue eyes of the boy she brought into this world, against all odds, than it is looking into her betraying green ones. He knows he's going to have to work on that for them to have a chance at being successful co parents.
He pulls back and walks them back into the house where Brooke is waiting with a box not unlike the one he has at home.
I need your strength when nobody is around
'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness, I think I'm drowning
-x-x-e-x-x-
I can't be lonely no more
Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
Brooke is holding what looks like a very worn shoe box in the middle of her scattered living room. It looks different from the room he was sitting in just this morning. Instead of a green, tidy room with pictures all over- no pictures of him, though, it's littered with a bunch of half packed boxes and every other place is empty. That guy must have lived here with his mom.
Wondering who the guy was, he knows that he doesn't like him. He was really rude. To his dad. Aunt Charlotte says that you shouldn't say anything at all if you can't be nice about it. He wasn't nice. And he made Brooke cry. How was she supposed to start liking him if just being there was making people be mean to her?
He watches silently as Brooke walks toward his dad. When did he start thinking of him as that? It's so much easier for him to accept that and he doesn't quite understand why. They don't say anything to each other as she gives him the old box. They just look at each other almost as if they don't even remember that him and Sawyer are here. She breaks the eye contact first.
Turning to Sawyer, she smiles. "Don't you be a stranger, little girl. I'm excited that we get to see each other more."
His sister must still be stuck on what they were talking about outside because she says, "Aunt Brooke, do you work like Daddy works? Cause you have lots of time. Mommy doesn't have lots of time but Daddy does."
He catches the confused and surprised look before Brooke makes her face blank. "No, sweet girl. I don't work much at all but your daddy and I do different things. One day, I will explain it to you. I'm sorry your mama doesn't have a lot of time but I'm sure she wishes she did."
She goes on, "Will I see ya'll tomorrow?"
"Daddy says yes," Sawyer tells her, happily just accepting what Brooke says as fact. Ethan wishes it was that easy for him. "We will see Ethan so we will see you. Right, Daddy?"
"Yep," is all that his dad says.
"What about Peyton?" Brooke asks him.
Peyton, he has figured out, is his step-mom. A few of his friends have step-moms. Some are nice and some are not so nice. It's a new source of stress for him. If Peyton doesn't want him around, will his dad be able to love him still?
Lucas shakes his head at her. "I really don't know, Brooke. She left a vague note. She'll show up whenever. I will deal with her."
"I can tell her," Brooke offers. She seems really worried about the idea and kind of surprised it came out of her mouth.
Lucas just continues to shake his head. "No. When I married her, it became my duty to tell her these things. I'll tell her."
And then his dad walks over to him one more time and lays his free hand on his shoulder, "Be good. I'll talk to you tomorrow morning. Love you, kid." He messes up his hair and picks Sawyer up. And they leave him there all alone with Brooke.
He looks at her, not knowing what to say. Not wanting to be awkward, but not being able to help it.
She gives him a shaky smile, still looking like she's ready to cry, and asks, "Do you want to eat? I'm not much of a dinner cook but I can make some grilled cheese. I remember Aunt Charlotte saying how much you love that." She looks uncertain.
He just nods. He does like grilled cheese and he is hungry.
While she cooks, the house is completely quiet. He looks around again and wonders about this woman. Aunt Charlotte loved her. Sawyer clearly loves her. Jamie told him that he loves her too. Jamie told him that he was lucky he got to have Brooke as a mom. She's that awesome, he said. Maybe he could love her. And maybe she'd like him. She doesn't have anything against kids. She could like him if he tried like his dad told him to.
So he takes a deep breath and asks a question. "Who's this baby?"
Brooke looks at the picture of her and his dad, with a baby. A sad smile touches her face and she doesn't seem like she's going to answer.
Then she does that thing that he's seen her do so much since she showed up on the island yesterday. She takes a deep breath and makes her face different from what it just was. "That is Angie," she tells him.
Who's Angie? He doesn't ask but he wants to know.
She hands him a plate and says, "Why don't we sit down and talk? I'll tell you about Angie. You can tell me about you? We can get to know each other a little bit. Okay?"
Sounds scary to him but she's smiling at him. She's trying. He needs to try, too.
I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall
-x-b-e-l-x-
And I'm scared of being alone
Whew. How do you all feel? Please, tell me. Help me keep this inspiration going! Help me finish this story! Please!
xxx-
Corey