A/N: Okay guys so this is the deal, I don't think Nick and Jess are ready for a relationship and right now I'm enjoying how confusing I'm making their life (not apologising, uncomfortable Nick and Jess are fuuun to write). So I'm going to follow in the spirit of the show, and make this a bumpy ride because they aren't ready for each other's crazy yet. This story will therefore be a collection of stories (I guess like episodes) about how they become ready for bigger and better things. In the spirit of that, enjoy Nick and Jess at their most immature!
Love to all.
P.s. I'm sorry this took so long! As a peace offering I'd love to hear suggestions for what happens next!
After Nick vented to Winston, the loft tried its best to go back to normal. Nick had reluctantly concluded the fire behind that kiss probably didn't come just from a basic attraction to his roommate. The 'I'm a man and I have needs' argument didn't hold up in his head for very long, after all, it wasn't like he was that desperate (admittedly maybe a little), but not enough to almost ruin his relationship with one of his best friends. He also found he had to push past a panicky wall of 'no' he'd built in his mind whenever he thought about Jess as 'more-than-a-friend'. Usually the (to be frank) horror of the idea meant the wall would win, and Nick would immediately have to distract himself with TV or random apartment repair until the irrational fear was buried under the loft's shoddy plumbing or a bad sitcom rerun. He had a faint idea that his aversion to even thinking about Jess like that probably meant it was a bigger problem than he was willing to admit, but for now, all he wanted was to forget the night and treat the situation as a mature adult, something that was usually an effort for both of them.
He had come to this conclusion after his discussion with Winston and literally an hour later the decision became almost completely redundant. Nick was reattaching a new string to the wooden spoon sitting in the soap dispenser in the bathroom (the push button having been broken years ago; they had to dip the wooden spoon through the top and smear the soap onto their hands). He was quite preoccupied when he heard the loft door close with a bang and an enraged Jessica Day scream, "MILLEEEER!" She was so mad her voice was breaking and squeaking under the pressure.
"Squeak level?" Nick said to himself with a sense of growing dread. Preparing for the worst, he went out into the hallway to see what he had done and Jess came flying at him in a whirl of smudged mascara and floral dress. Nick wasn't proud of what he did. He immediately ran back into the bathroom and slammed the door shut as Jess collided with the wood with a bang.
"OW! GODDAMN MILLER!" She screamed though the door.
"Oh God I'm so dead," he said to himself, guiltily biting his lip and putting all his weight into keeping Jess on the other side of the door. "I'M SORRY!" he called feebly, even though he didn't know what else he'd done. The doorknob rattled and he held it still, wincing at how this was so the opposite of being progressive and mature.
"YOU'RE NOT SORRY MILLER, COME OUT HERE AND YOU'LL BE SORRY!" she screamed.
Nick paused to consider this, the endless thumping continuing behind him. "IT'S PROBABLY BEST FOR ME IN HERE THEN," he called out to her, his terror curbing any noble thoughts he might have had.
"SAM BROKE UP WITH ME!" Nick had to bite his fist out of shame of being so scared of a girl. "AND IT'S ALL-" thump! "YOUR-" thump! "FAULT!" Thump-thump!
"JESS I'M SO SORRY! JUST – PLEASE!" Nick could feel a panic attack coming along. It was making him want to do something drastic, like cocoon himself in the shower curtain. "I WANT TO LIVE!"
"YOU KILLED MY RELATIONSHIP MILLER! IT'S ONLY FAIR I KILL YOU!"
"I-" he had to clear his throat to speak. "I don't think that would hold up in court!"
"AAAAAAHHH!" There was a loud clang against the door.
"Are you using my plumbing tools?" Nick called, remembering he had left his box in the kitchen.
"TRY – BREAK – THE – PLUMBING – MORE – NOW!"
"SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Nick shouted in desperation. The event was so traumatising their screams were becoming indistinguishable, Nick's turning girlier and more emasculating by the second, when help arrived in the form of Cece.
"Jess?!"
Jess was so mad all she was seeing as she attacked the loft bathroom door was Nick's stupid scruffy face with a giant red X in the middle. She had indeed found the biggest wrench she could in Nick's collection and was mercilessly bashing the bathroom door with it. She planned to damage it so badly Nick would either have to fix it himself, or, preferably, she would knock the door down and Nick, having no way to escape, would be trapped underneath and she could jump on the fallen door and squish his stupid turtle face. It was then, she reflected vaguely, that she understood cartoon violence.
The bloodlust was so excessive, she was worried if anyone snuck up on her they'd get a wrench in the face. Therefore, when Cece's hands rested lightly on her shoulder, Jess screamed in fear of what she could do to some poor unsuspecting passer-by and she dropped the wrench on her own toe.
Cece gasped. "Oh my God! Are you ok?"
Pain shot through Jess's big toe and she briefly abandoned her assault on the bathroom door to hold her injured foot and hop on the spot, groaning insults to herself under her breath, "Squish his stupid yam head."
"Jess what happened?" Cece asked full of concern, putting her arm over Jess's shoulder and finally leading her away from the bathroom to a seat at the dining table, Jess hopping the whole way.
"WHOEVER THAT IS OUT THERE," Nick called from the bathroom. "I want you to know you saved my life and I am eternally grateful!"
"THIS ISN'T OVER!" Jess shouted back angrily.
"Jess please! HAVE MERCY!"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU IN YOUR FACE—"
Cece decided to intervene at this point. "Okay enough! What's going on?!" Jess's face turned from enraged to hysterical in a split second and she burst into tears and pulled Cece into an iron tight hug.
"I told Sam Nick kissed me and he broke up with me and it's all Nick's fault so I have to kill him!" She sobbed into Cece's shoulder.
"What was that?!" Nick called from the bathroom. "Sam's not coming for me is he? Because I don't want those hands that cure round my throat!"
"Okay, Jess let's go to your room," Cece said in a well trained calming voice.
"I can't!" Jess sobbed into Cece's shoulder. "I can't –" she started to hiccup. "Kill – Nick – in – my – room!"
"I promise we can kill him later," Cece told Jess soothingly, rubbing her back and guiding her towards her room.
"I wanted to – kill – his face..."
"I know sweetie, kill his face after a cup of tea."
Nick waited in the bathroom for a sign the danger had gone. He didn't want to be lulled into a false sense of security, and then suffer death by hand-knitted noose if he left the safety of the bathroom. He was so ashamed of himself he banged his head on the wall continuously while he waited. This would happen to him; resolve to be mature and unselfish and then cower in the bathroom rather than be there for his friend. And sure, this was all his fault and he probably did deserve death by yarn, but when it came down to it, angry Jess was so much more terrifying than he'd expected. Baby steps, Miller, he thought to himself.
"Nick? Are you still in here?" He heard a much calmer feminine voice from behind the bathroom door.
"Cece?" Nick called out in hope. "I'm not going to walk into some sort of human-sized booby-trap web of ribbons if I come out am I?"
"Her craft cupboard is safely locked up Nick, you can come out."
Nick jumped up from the floor and flung the door open with glee. "Oh thank God! Where's Jess?" He asked immediately, looking around in trepidation.
"She's in her room with your laptop and her Sandra Bullock DVD's." Nick took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. Time to be a man, even if that meant allowing a girl to punch him down below, that was what he had to do. The mutant children he would produce will be Future Nick's problem. He headed for her room. "I wouldn't go in there if I was you." Cece called after him.
Nick barged straight into Jess's room before his courage gave out. "Listen Jess, I'm really, really sorry I –" he had to stop. Jess was sitting on her bed in her pyjamas, smudged mascara framing her big blue eyes, making them look twice their size and her hair piled in a messy bun. But Nick could hardly hear what he was saying because she'd turned up the volume on Two Weeks Notice. "Wow, can my laptop speakers really go that high?" Jess didn't respond she just stared resolutely at the laptop screen. "Man I… really never wanted to hear Hugh Grant's voice this loud ever… it's grating, does anyone else find that?" he said, turning to Cece who had followed him in, and she raised her eyebrows out of disinterest. "Yeah so anyway, Jess, I'm…" the volume increased even more. "SORRY! I'M SORRY JESS, I… CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Jess finally spoke, "Cece." Her eyes never leaving the laptop screen.
"Jess, I don't have to do I?" Cece asked her, sounding slightly pleading.
"Cece." Was all Jess said in reply.
Cece sighed and turned to Nick. "Until further notice, Nick, Jess will be shunning you."
"Shunning me?!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
Cece nodded painfully, she'd obviously disagreed with Jess's tactic. "Until she can forgive you, so… right now, this will continue indefinitely." Cece met Nick's look disbelief with a classic Jess-is-crazy eye roll that the whole loft had adopted since she'd moved in.
As Cece's words sunk in, Nick suddenly became unjustifiably angry considering the circumstances. "Oh yeah refusing to talk through your problems that'll fix them won't it Jessica? Where'd you pick that one up from? Me? You finally decided to take a page out of the Nick Miller Book of Life? Well have fun because I know from experience all you get is an addiction to alcohol and a hate for rich people." Jess continued to act like she didn't hear, but she took a very noticeable gulp. "Seriously? Is this seriously happening? Because if it is I gotta tell you I'm not going to make it easy for you." When he got no reaction he decided to take the high road once more just for Jess, but then all hell was going to break loose. "Listen Jess I really am sorry about Sam. It really sucks that you have to pay because I did something stupid and if you tell me how to make it up to you I will try... as long as it doesn't involve too much physical or mental pain. But I'm warning you, shunning doesn't go both ways Jessica. I hope you're prepared for the unshunning of your life sister."
Jess finally spoke. "Oh Cece," she said lightly, pointedly not meeting Nick's eye. He could have been part of her glittery wall hangings for all she noticed him. "This is the bit where Sandra ate the bad hotdog and she can't find a bathroom, so great right? You and no one else should watch this with me."
"Wow... Queen of Subtle there aren't you?"
"Yeah..." Cece replied, pointedly ignoring Nick's comment and obviously having to go along with whatever Jess said in her fragile emotional state. "Such a great scene..." Cece joined Jess on the bed. That was when Nick knew he wouldn't get any help from Cece. She had to support her best friend.
Well that settles it, Nick thought to himself. "All right Jess you've done it. You've forced me, to force you, to not ignore me for a second longer. And you're right, that bad grammar was my first jab, ya know-it-all." He squared his shoulders proudly and left the room.
Finally free of his presence, Jess allowed herself to shiver with trepidation. She wasn't sure what was going to happen next but she knew things were snowballing. Right now she was angry enough to let Nick do what he wants, because she was going to be so busy shunning him she wasn't going to notice if he walked in, in a pink dress and pig tails.
A/N: OoOoh what's going to happen next? Okay seriously normally I hate cliffhangers but I got stuck and I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer. I sort of built the next chapter up a lot there didn't I? ...That's a bit of a problem because I'm stuck. Nick is planning a whole bunch of crazy antics to get Jess to end her shun and talk to him again, but I don't really know what they could be! So any suggestions, as crazy as you like would be weeeelcome! And I, a girl living in Australia you'll probably never meet will love you for ever. I know, I'd be brainstorming this crap ASAP too if I were you!