A/N: The start felt a lot like a cold open so I almost wrote in a Who's That Girl opening sequence. You get the idea though. Hope you like it! And pleeeeeease review!
Nick was bustling around in the kitchen, fry pans and almost the entire contents of the loft's cooking utensils emptied out of their drawers and splayed across the benches. Unnameable substances stuck to the counter tops, and Nick was covered in powder and stains, including a suspicious brown substance on his cheek he hadn't noticed yet.
Winston and Schmidt were watching the disastrous effort unfold from the bar stools. Winston was mildly amused and sipping a coffee. Schmidt was so revolted by the state of the kitchen he was dry heaving. "If there was a God of the Kitchen Nick you would be the equivalent devil."
Nick ignored Schmidt, too caught up in what he was doing. "I couldn't find any cocoa so I'm just going to use coffee, its caffeine so you know, same thing." Schmidt shot Winston a look of disbelief and Winston replied with a silent 'wow'. "And we're out of ground coffee so I'm just going to throw in some beans."
"Look at you," said Winston, rather proud. "Enthusiasm and cooking skills of a Labrador."
"I know you're trying to get Jess's attention Nick, and believe me, she may have to say 'fire!' at some point the way this is going," said Schmidt. "And if she does I know that it will be a win for your friendship because she would have finally said something to you. And it would be a win for the kitchen because hopefully it won't burn down. But maybe you should, um, drop this particular escapade and never attempt it again and maybe make Jess a drink instead?"
"No." Nick replied dismissively, scraping a lumpy brown substance out of a bowl onto the bench and squeezing it like play dough. "I always make her free drinks she needs something different to entice her."
"This is different," confirmed Winston. "With this combination of ingredients… I think it's safe to say no one has ever made what you're making before, ever."
"Enticing would not be a word to describe what's happening right now," said Schmidt. Nick had squeezed the mixture into messy pieces he was now attempting to place them on a fry pan. Most of the mixture was still attached to his hands. "Horrifying is the first word that comes to mind. Cockroach sanctuary is another..."
Nick wiped his hands on his filthy shirt, licked his fingers and then spat out the mixture. "Think it needs more coffee."
"Nick I truly believe you may be creating a new strain of bird flu right now," said Schmidt, genuinely concerned.
Jess and Cece were also observing quietly from the dining table. Jess had stuck true to her word and had not spoken or acknowledged Nick's existence for a whole day. Being Jess, this was a huge achievement; she couldn't remember ever lasting this long ignoring someone before. She had tried over the years to give her parents or Cece the cold shoulder, but they had usually tricked her into answering a question or bribed her with something colourful. She was determined to break a record today, but not because she hated him. Contrary to what she thought would happen; her anger had faded over the course of the day. Nick was jumping through hoops for her, in his Nick way. Now it was a matter of seeing how far he'd go, just because she wasn't mad anymore didn't mean she couldn't have a little fun, because Nick still owed her.
"How long are you going to let this go on Jess?" Cece asked, watching Nick attempting to fry whatever he was making, while at the same time batting Schmidt away with an oven mitt.
"About as long as I can stand it," said Jess. "Right now it's not really hurting anyone and I can't remember the last time Nick cooked so..."
"You animal!" Schmidt shouted. Nick whacked him in the face with the oven mitt.
"It's definitely an improvement from this morning anyway," Jess continued.
She had woken up to him standing over her bed, his hood over his head, beady-eyed and breathing heavily. Jess had screamed, yanked her covers up to her face in horror and almost yelled at him, but then she had remembered her vow so she stayed silent. "Mornin' Jess, now I don't want you to worry about a thing today, I'm gonna take real good care of you."
Why are you talking like a Texan plantation owner? Jess thought to herself, so she didn't have to say it out loud.
"First, I thought you'd like to start the day off with a morning break dance performance! One... two-" And then with a clap he entered into the worst break dancing Jess had ever seen, but he scrunched up his face like he was really into it. At one point he grabbed one of her red feathery hats and tried to throw it so it would land on his head, but it missed so he caught it with his foot instead, and then tried to kick it back up his body. It had ended with an ill planned spin into her dresser. He had fallen down and crawled out her room on his stomach, managing to croak out, "I'll let you get dressed Jess see you soon."
"I'm coming over Jess!" Nick called from the kitchen, making to leave with his fry pan, but Schmidt was blocking his way.
"No!" Schmidt said with as much authority as he could muster. "No! I like Jess I will not let you poison her!"
"Out of the way Schmidt!" Nick moved to go around him but Schmidt caught him in a bear wrestle, pinning Nick's arms. "Schmidt I have a hot fry pan in my hands!"
"You stay away from her!" They struggled awkwardly, Schmidt squished Nick's face with his hand and Nick tried to push Schmidt's face away with his own free hand.
Winston grabbed the fry pan as it flailed behind Schmidt's back and casually sat back down. "Of all the crazy times we have in the loft, I have to say these are my favourite moments." Schmidt twisted around and was holding Nick behind his back. Then Nick managed to knock one of Schmidt's legs out from under him and he fell to the ground. Nick took the opportunity to grab the fry pan and march it over to Jess.
"Bon appetite madame…ma…zell." Nick said triumphantly. Then Schmidt spear tackled him from the side. "Whoomf!"
"This can't end yet." Jess told Cece.
"I feel like you're punishing everyone else in the loft, Jessica," said Schmidt. He had joined Jess and Cece at the table after Nick had gathered the destroyed 'muffins' and retreated to his room. "Who knows what he'll bring with his next attack. I'm pretty sure I just saved you from salmonella too so you're welcome."
"Schmidt it's not that bad," said Jess.
"This kiss has worked so far in your advantage it's not fair on anyone else."
"Schmidt, Sam dumped her!" said Cece.
"And now our roommate has gone loco for your womanly ways," said Schmidt. "How many times have I kissed Nick? I have never received this sort of treatment."
"Schmidt it's hardly first class treatment and besides he is not loco for me!" said Jess. "He's making it up to me."
"Because Sam dumped you? If Nick had ruined anyone else's relationship he would have made them a drink and they'd be over it. I cry foul Jessica Day, I cry foul!"
"Schmidt, I really liked Sam," said Jess. "He was a doctor! I'm not going to have an opportunity like that again, the universe won't allow it. One paediatrics doctor per single girl, that's the rule. If you ruin it, you don't deserve another one. They're in too high demand, and you obviously don't look after them like you should, so the universe gives them to someone else. I can only go down from here."
"And what you're doing to Nick, does that mean nothing?" said Schmidt.
They heard a loud crash from Nick's room. "I'M OKAY!" he called out. "WHO KNOWS HOW TO REMOVE A BOOK CASE WITHOUT YOUR HANDS?"
"I'll be right in buddy!" Winston called from his room.
Schmidt raised his eyebrows. Jess scowled at him over the table and thought about what he said. "No," she said. She decided she was still in the right. "Despite what we just heard, Nick's fine. I actually think he's enjoying this. Before he said he wrote a poem about zombies inspired by me. It's going to be terrible and I won't be able to tell him that. So who's the real sufferer here?"
Schmidt stood up in disgust. "I can't watch this anymore then. Good day Miss Day," he said, picking up his coat and heading for the door.
"Bye Schmidt," said Jess, watching him go. When she turned to Cece, she was not looking impressed. "Come on Cece-"
"-This is going to backfire Jess," Cece warned.
"Not you too," Jess complained.
"The only way this is going to end is that he'll go too far and you'll have to tell him to stop."
"Can't a girl shun a guy without everyone having an opinion on it?" said Jess, exasperated.
"Hey Jess I'm loving today, what are you gonna make him do next?" said Winston, who had just entered the room after helping Nick.
"How can I be making him do it? It's the cold shoulder! I'm not telling him to do anything!" Jess cried, throwing her head in her arms to hide from everyone.
Nick spent the day doing big, usually disastrous gestures. He tried to rearrange her room when she was at work and she spent half an hour trying to find her sweaters, which for some unexplained reason he'd placed next to her shoes in her wardrobe. She almost verbally stopped him when he brought out his old guitar and sang a song he entitled 'eyelash girl'. The lyrics were definitely some of the worse she'd ever heard but they were highly complimentary and she felt oddly comforted when he sang about her meeting Patrick Swayse (Jess could never bring herself to tell Nick he was dead). Still, she couldn't stand it for very long and she had to get up from the dining table and go to her room because she knew Nick had a lot of trouble playing and walking simultaneously.
By the end of the day she was used to the discomfort and awkwardness that came with not speaking to Nick. So when he joined her on the couch at the end of the day to watch TV and he placed a blanket over their laps, she decided it was a small but nice gesture and she wouldn't leave.
"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked her. She continued to stare pointedly at the TV. "Unless you're already watching something. Are you watching something Jess?" He waited, observing her closely. "I'm putting on Happy Gilmore and I know you know I've seen it thousands of times and I'll be quoting the whole movie if you don't say something right now Jess." He waited for a reasonable amount of time. Then he put on a high pitched girl voice, "Whatever you say Nicholas you do do a better Adam Sandler than Adam Sandler after all. Why thank you Jess how kind of you to say well I guess I'll throw it on then!" Jess turned her eyes to her lap to try and hide her smirk. "I saw that too." Nick added as he got up and went to put the DVD on. "Just taaaap it in..." he said to himself as he pushed the DVD in. He turned to her with a malicious smile. "It's begun..."
Nick was as bad as he warned. He said every line a second before the movie and laughed far too loud at jokes he'd heard a million times before. He even explained why Adam Sandler attacking Bob Barker was so funny. "He's a national icon Jess! And he just punches him in his senior face!" And as much as she didn't want to admit it she was enjoying his company.
Jess was having a harder time than ever not saying anything. She made it through the movie without breaking and as soon as Nick turned off the TV he sat there quietly, thinking of what to say. He didn't look her in the eye as he spoke. "Jess I don't really think I need to say sorry anymore. I think you know I'm sorry by now. But I hope you know I'm sorry what I did ruined your relationship and hurt you. I'm not sorry I kissed you." He chuckled. "Now I think about it that was probably the coolest I've ever been so every now and then I may need you to back me up when people don't believe it's possible." He chuckled a little more and Jess had to reply with a shy smirk. She was finally becoming too uncomfortable to not reply. Because she wasn't sure she was ready for wherever Nick was going with this. And he was right he had more than made it up to her. In fact she probably owed him some personal slavery time in return for the amount of injuries he'd received over the course of the day. "You know what I said the other day I meant Jess. You're important to me." Nick told her sincerely. "And that's why I almost poisoned you with fried cocoa muffins today."
She took a long time to think all this through. Nick knew she was thinking so he stopped talking and they sat in silence. She was working up the courage to tell him he was important to her too when she ran out of time. "I can't take this anymore I have to make you talk," said Nick and without warning he grabbed her face and went to kiss her again.
"No, no, no, no, no I forgive you!" Jess said urgently, pushing him away.
"Ha!" said Nick, laughing at her discomfort. He leaned back into the couch with a huge smug face. "About time Jess!"
Jess whacked him when she realised he was joking. "Jerk! Don't scare me like that!"
"I had to scare you Jess." He chuckled. "It was the only way."
"No it wasn't I was totally about to say hi!" said Jess. "You're just impatient."
"I don't care that was way more fun," he said, taking a swig of his beer.
"You totally killed the moment," Jess told him, sitting back and crossing her arms.
"I was trying to be symmetrical!" Nick said, defensively. "I started the problem with a kiss so I thought I'd end it with a kiss."
"That's like murdering Schmidt, and solving that problem by murdering Winston." Jess argued.
"Hey if it'll shut him up I'd do what I gotta do," Nick replied. Jess laughed and let out a big sigh of relief. She was done. Who needed boyfriends anyway? She was already dealing with enough men in her life.
"Nick..." Jess said. She had suddenly remembered Cece and Schmidt's warnings at the start of the day and knew they had been right. "You don't need to apologise anymore but I think I do. I didn't need to put you through that all day."
"Honestly Jess I had a ball so I wouldn't feel too cut up about it." Nick told her. "But don't expect me to do anything for you, for like a really long time."
Jess thought of the fried muffins again. "You know what, that's fair. Deal." She went to high-five him and he went to shake her hand and it turned into holding hands in midair. "What is that?" Jess said awkwardly.
"I don't know," Nick said, pulling away and feeling weird. "Let's not touch for a while."
Jess shot her fingers at him like a gun instead. "You got it partner," she said with an awful cowboy accent.
"Oh my God," said Nick. They both giggled uncomfortably. "Let's watch Billy Madison so we don't have to talk anymore."
"Can't we watch something different? I bought Annie the other day." Nick through his hands in the air in exasperation. "What?"
"Do I have to try kissing you again? I think I'd prefer if you didn't speak unless you had something to contribute Jess."
A/N: Also I saw Happy Gilmore the other night, can you tell? Please review!