"Come on. Let's… let's get back."
She nods very slightly and averts her eyes, shivering in the suddenly chilly air. She feels the icy metal on her skin even though it isn't there anymore, and the warmth and relief that washes over her when Jeremy's face swims into view.
He wordlessly walks over to the elevator with her and presses the button. She doesn't glance up to see if he's looking at her; he probably is.
Does she care? No. Yes. Maybe. She doesn't know.
She listens to the creak of the elevator as it descends, almost startlingly loud in their silence. Unbidden tears jump to her eyes but she holds them back. She's suddenly noticed how, across from her, he wrestles with a tormented expression on her face and guesses he's not too far from tears either.
"I'm sorry," she bursts out at the same time he begins, "Why did you—"
They both stop, and she takes an instinctive step back.
"You first," he says, struggling to keep his expression under control.
"I'm sorry," she repeats without hesitation. Then as they step into the elevator it all tumbles out accidentally—her self-doubts, how miserable she'd been, how miserable Sissi had made her. She internally curses herself for her lack of willpower and restraint. Jeremy watches her through it all with an aghast expression, looking like he wants to interrupt but simultaneously speechless.
When she lets out a breath and no more words tumble out, he picks up. She hardly notices as they step out of the elevator.
"Aelita, I'm—I'm not sure why you would ever thing that, but you are not pathetic… you're… you're not a burden," he says lamely.
She looks away again, this time in shame. He's tripping over his words because he's lying.
"Aelita, please don't ever… I can't believe you… You shouldn't…" He struggles, unable to get anything more than fragments out. Why? She had just tried to kill herself. Can't he say something, any of the panicked and hysterical thoughts swimming around in his head right now? He manages to gather his thoughts but nothing more, and ends up saying, "Please, Aelita, don't ever do that again." His voice shakes as he speaks.
She glances up from the stairs. She's been staring at them as they climb, hoping to drown herself in the monotony of their grey color. Now they end, however, and though he's not specifically inquiring anything, he's addressing her. She wonders briefly whether it's the steady ascending of the stairs that makes his voice shake, or something else. "I won't. I'm sorry."
All she can do is apologize. He wants to correct her, but he doesn't have the strength.
They walk back through the forest. By some unspoken agreement, they veer away from the sewer shortcut and begin trudging through the undergrowth. The silence between them is strained tightly, and there are so many things she wants to say to break it before it snaps on its own, but she just can't speak. Every time she begins something in her mind, too terrified to speak spontaneously, it ends up sounding wilted and weak. Eventually the self-deprecating and doubtful thoughts in her mind turn to a constant stream: Say something. Say something.
It's not until they hover at the edge of the courtyard, tucked away in the final grove of trees that she can summon the courage for action. She slips her hand into his.
Say something.
"Your hands are shaking," she says, surprising both of them. He acknowledges the observation with a slight inclination of his head.
"I guess I'm just a little shaken," he says, laughing nervously. "You get it? I'm shaken, and… shaking."
She quickly realizes that the edge to his tone is not just upset, but dangerously close to hysteria. She squeezes his hand.
"Jeremy," she says helplessly, wanting more than anything to ease the look on his face but at a loss for words.
He lets out another quiet laugh, and his face crumbles. He squeezes her hand back, hard, and it's his turn for words to tumble out.
"Aelita, I've never been so worried. Just seeing you lying there I nearly had a heart attack. You don't go running off doing things like that! Thinking you're a burden, how ridiculous. Everyone cares about you. I care about you. Do you think I spend hours working on your antivirus for fun?" His face is stricken with despair and something disturbingly akin to guilt. "Do you?"
Startled, she takes a moment to reply. "N-No."
He shakes his head and lets out a stifled sob. For a moment, Aelita watches him with horror, worried that he'll begin sobbing right then and there. It served her right, she thinks, trying something like this. But she doesn't know what she'd do if he suddenly burst into tears.
Fortunately, the next breath he takes seems to keep it all in. And to her astonishment, a smile, albeit very strained, has made its way onto his face. But the tortured look beneath it is unbearable. She cuts the space between them in half with a step and leans her head against his shoulder, murmuring softly.
"I'm sorry."
It's genuine, not the result of too much guilt and self-doubt. She doesn't say it just because. She says it, and she means it.
His arm curls around her waist. "It's okay," he whispers back in a response. For now, she can accept that it is.
But as she lets out a quiet sigh, she can hear his tears and sobs being muffled into her hair.