Chapter Four

Olivia was wearing the clothes under her long brown trench coat. Rebecca immediately called in a doctor she knew Olivia wouldn't mind. Melinda, the familiar ME for SVU homicides was called in for the special rape kit.

"Olivia?"

"Hi, Melinda," Olivia said sounding deeply depressed now sitting on a hospital bed wearing only a thin hospital gown. Melinda collected the evidence, working especially thoroughly. Hendrix had already filled Melinda Warner and Don Cragen in on the situation. Warner sent the evidence to only the best of the crime scene unit. So far no one else knew.

Olivia sat in the very white room with light blue faded trim and off-white sheets. She's been in hospitals before. She knows how depressing they make you feel but no other situation that sent her here was as depressing. She would trade this for any other injury she had ended up with over the years. She was also unbelievably exhausted, but she couldn't sleep. Even if she had a break from worry, and doctors and nurses, she still couldn't sleep. She had tried at some point, but she woke up screaming. She always gets nightmares after "he" attacks her but the first two times she only saw them as bad dreams. Now that she had told someone about what had happened, it felt more real than ever. Now it causes her more pain, real pain.

Cragen knocked on the door before entering.

"Olivia? Is it true?"

"Yeah, Don," she answered hanging her head.

"Liv, you should've reported it the first time it happened. You of all people know that. You spend your time telling rape victims to stand up for themselves. Why can't you?"

Olivia felt ashamed.

"God, Liv, you're one of my best detectives and, well, I think of you as a daughter. I care about you; I don't like to see you hurt like this."

Olivia looked into his fatherly eyes, "I want Munch and Fin to work this one. Don't tell Elliot."

"Elliot will know soon enough. You know this will have to go on file and the whole SVU department will know no matter how much we try to cover it up. We're like a big family; no secrets."

Olivia leaned her head back and looked up at the ceiling. He was right. She wasn't being logical. Of course Elliot would have to know.

"Fin and Munch are already working on it. They're supervising CSU's search of your apartment. You're telling Elliot, I hope. And I hope it's before he finds out like the rest of the department. He deserves more than an impersonal announcement to the unit."

Dr. Hendrix walked in but stayed in the doorway.

"Well, I guess I'll go," Cragen said, "you should tell him, he cares about you. You guys might be going through a rough spot, but he cares."

He walked out leaving Olivia and Rebecca.

"They said you can go."

"Thanks, but I don't really have any clothes."

"I brought you some sweatpants and an NYPD t-shirt," Rebecca said holding up a gray shirt with navy blue lettering. It was from Hendrix's days as a cop.

"I'm taking some time off. I'll take you back to my house I guess since you've got people and print powder all over yours. You can stay with me until CSU releases your apartment."

"Thanks, Becca," Olivia said smiling. Rebecca smiled back. 'Becca' was a great start to their rediscovered friendship.

"…but Becca, I need to see Elliot."

"I know, get changed, sign the release forms and I'll take you over."

"Will you come with me when I tell him? Please?" Olivia asked despite feeling ashamed of her vulnerability.

"Yeah."

They got in the car and started driving. It was still a little bit dark. Rebecca looked sideways to Olivia.

"Livia, I know some but not all of what's going on. Why don't you want to tell Elliot? What happened to you guys?"

Olivia sighed and looked at her friend.

"Okay, well, I don't know what you do know," she began.

"Well, I know you guys had a falling out after you both, uh, chose each other over the job, but no one really knows why. You're partners; you should care for the other's safety."

"Well, he was at gun point. I just couldn't shoot the perp. I'd lose Elliot. I know no one could stand the guilt of causing someone's death, but for me it was different. I wouldn't be able to go on. Then after it was all over, we were talking," Olivia wiped a tear from her eye, "and he says, 'If the sniper didn't get to it first, I know you would've shot him'. Rebecca, how could he believe I would've been able to cause my best friend's death? I would've caused his children the pain of losing their father. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I just don't know how he could expect me to do that. Then he told me we couldn't keep choosing each other over the job or else we couldn't work together. He said me and his job were the only things he had left, so I went to the captain and asked for a new partner or a transfer. I transferred to computer crimes, but when I heard about Elliot beating his new partner, I came back. I don't think he ever forgave me for leaving then. I don't know why he was so mad when it was his idea to work with different people. Eight years is a long time for partners to work together.

Then one day our paths crossed again with Agent Starr fro the FBI and she needed me to go undercover and with Elliot mad at me, I did it. I couldn't tell him. I wanted to but I couldn't, literally, and even though I wanted to I didn't want to, so I didn't."

"Oh, Liv, I'm sorry. I wish I could've been there for you," Rebecca said sincerely. Olivia had to deal with fighting with two of her best friends, and Rebecca was sure Elliot had to be more than just a best friend. There was more to it. Before she knew it, she had driven up to Elliot's apartment. It was a large building; he needed the space for when his kids came over. Rebecca got out of the car and started walking up the first sets of stairs, and then she heard Olivia's footsteps stop.

"Come on, Liv. You go ahead and I'll be right here behind you."

Olivia walked past Rebecca. When they got to his door Olivia knocked. No answer. She knocked again.

"El, its Olivia, open up!" she yelled getting nervous. He opened the door.

"Liv, it's early, shift doesn't start for a couple hours. Why are you here?" Elliot asked sleepily. He could tell Olivia was angry about something. Rebecca went completely unnoticed.

"Can I come in?" Olivia asked and Elliot led the way to the living room; Hendrix still unseen.

"Elliot, I need to talk to you," Olivia started.

"Oh, so now you want to talk. Why don't you start by apologizing," Elliot said with his temper and voice rising. Olivia's eyes were watering. Now she was crying, and Olivia Benson never cries. Her eyes water, she gets emotional during a case, but she never lets anyone see her cry.

"You should start by apologizing for lying to me, for just- everything, Liv," he couldn't get himself to say 'for leaving him'. He didn't want her to know how much he really needed her. Now Olivia was sobbing. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. She was about to open her mouth to say something but her eyes got wide and her hands shot up to cover her mouth and she ran to the bathroom. Now Elliot saw Hendrix; she was left alone with him.

"Why the he'll are you here?" he asked angrily.

"Olivia had something important to tell you, Damn it! You shoved all of this in her face when she tried to tell you and now she's crying so much she made herself sick. You know how she holds in all of her emotion; it's not good for her and now you just broke her heart!" Rebecca yelled at Elliot. Elliot's eyes softened, but he still didn't know what was going on and he was still angry.

"Liv?" Hendrix said knocking on the door slightly before opening it to see Olivia curled up against the bath tub. Her head was tucked in her arms on her knees; she was still crying.

"Elliot, carry her somewhere. She can't stay here." Olivia had no desire for independent movement. He picked her up and carried her to his bed.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Rebecca asked a still puzzled Elliot.

Elliot ran his hands over his face and then to the back of his head before saying, "Yeah."

Olivia shook her head, "I want to tell him," she said between a sob.

"I'll let you tell him by yourself," Hendrix said closing the door behind her. Elliot sat on the bed next to Olivia. He decided not to talk and just wait until she was ready; he hurt her enough for tonight. After a couple of minutes of staring at each other, Olivia's sobs subsided and she felt like she was ready to speak, well, as ready as she could ever be.

"I'm really sorry, El," Olivia said staring down and wringing her hands. Elliot patted her hands but still didn't speak.

Olivia continued, "Well, I really wasn't planning on telling you," she said; eyes now locked with his.

"…but, two days after I got back to New York, the first time, I was still in a hotel. I hadn't found a new apartment yet. The second time," she gulped but still didn't break eye contact, "was when I had already moved in about thirty-four days and three hours later. Then the third time was last night, right after you left. He must've already been in the apartment when you were there."

Elliot had a slightly puzzled face. He had no idea what any of this meant. She wasn't making any sense to him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know, but there was no turning back now, he had to know.

"Liv, what are you talking about? What happened?"

"El, don't you know?" she said staring into his deep blue eyes, he now understood staring into her broken eyes, "I've been raped."