NB: My deepest apologies for the time it's taken to write this chapter. I've been dealing with the fallout from the death of a very close friend and could not bring myself to write for a very long time. Again let me reassure you that I have not abandoned this project and will finish it.
A request: I have deleted at least one anonymous review of this story because it was indirectly criticial of other writers' work. I'm not at all opposed to critique of my own work. I want to know if you think this is garbage! Really. I am, however, requesting that you keep all critique of other writers out of your review (direct AND indirect references). I'm sorry if I've deleted your review, but I really am narcissistic enough to ask that all reviews be about my work. ;) I thank you for your indulgence. Of course, all praise for other writers' work is totally welcome in reviews and PMs. I'm always looking for great fics.
Content warnings include sex, a bit of blood, and some explicit language (Seishin's command of four-letter words is quite impressive for a priest). I do hope you like this. Please leave a review even if you don't – they help more than you know. Oh, and I don't own Shiki, but the folks that do are staggeringly brilliant.
Toshio needed no further permission. He leaned into Seishin's kiss, one hand sliding along the jinrou's cheek and coming to rest in soft, grey hair. Seishin's lips moved slowly over the doctor's own and he was content to enjoy the bittersweet-ness of their meeting for a time. But Toshio was also determined to have Seishin screaming the doctor's name over and over again until his voice grew hoarse. The good doctor had no doubt that the way to get his friend back would certainly involve getting his friend off, so to speak. As such, he deepened their kiss into something more desperate and searching, crushing his lips against the jinrou's, tugging again at Seishin's lips with his teeth first, and then, tentatively sliding the tip of his tongue along the point of the werewolf's fang. Seishin suddenly tensed and pulled away as though an electric current had passed between them.
"Toshio. Wait."
"What's wrong?" Toshio pressed against him again, one hand still caught in his hair and the other resting dangerously low on his hip. He hoped the werewolf was not entertaining second thoughts.
"We have to be careful. We can't let my teeth break your skin."
"Oh that..." He let out a relieved chuckle. "I thought…nevermind. Don't worry. I won't let you turn me into a vampire."
"What did you expect?" Seishin looked puzzled for a moment before working it out. "Oh. I see. You thought I'd changed my mind?" Toshio simply nodded. He smiled indulgently at the doctor; Toshio was unintentionally alluring when he looked uncertain. It was so rare a phenomenon. Seishin's smile sharpened into a grin as he slipped his own hand between the doctor's legs and started rubbing him through his trousers. Toshio's mouth fell open in shock; Seishin had never been so...forward. Where did he learn how to do all that with just his hand? The ex-priest merely lengthened his smirk and continued holding Toshio's gaze. "I have no intention of letting you walk out of here without first taking my fill, Toshio." He sounded bored, rather like having a grown man at his mercy was an everyday occurrence. Inexplicably, this only served to speed the doctor's pulse.
Toshio uttered the only coherent thought he could manage at the moment. His torturer had somehow unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers without his realizing it, and the jinrou's hand was now pumping him in a mind-bendingly slow rhythm. "You've changed…" he gasped "more…proactive."
Seishin's single laugh had a dark edge to it. He sounded deadly when he laughed like that, and that coupled with the firm pressure of his palm against Toshio's sensitive skin made the hairs on the doctor's neck stand up. "Hmm. It's been sixteen years since you had me. Do you think I've spent the intervening time waiting for my chance to bed you again?"
Toshio would have liked to tell Seishin that the time for idle conversation had long elapsed, but given that his mind (and other parts of his body) were engaged at the moment, he could only choke out a feeble response: "Priest." Seishin was surely making him lose all motor function. His hands had become frozen – one remained tangled in Seishin's hair and the other still at his hip, leaving the doctor nothing in the way of retaliation. His knees buckled and he fell against the other man, mercifully dislodging the jinrou's hand from around his erection.
Seishin laughed again as he felt Toshio panting heavily against his neck. "Not. Anymore." Yes, Toshio had got the better of him earlier when he had the werewolf pinned against his own front door. Yes, the suddenness of the doctor's physical contact combined with his own supernatural sensitivity made the jinrou's reactions more pronounced. Yes, Seishin wanted Toshio with every fiber in his being, but he'd also spent a lifetime perfecting the art of delayed gratification, and although he longed desperately to feel Toshio's hands and lips trailing along his skin, he could rein in those desires for the present. It wouldn't do for Toshio to crash through his front door and assume control, after all. Things had changed. Seishin had changed. The other man should be made aware of this.
"Bedroom. Now." Toshio was commanding him now, and while Seishin thought the imperiousness was unnecessary considering that he was more than willing to comply with any order, he nevertheless found himself strangely turned on by Toshio's tone. Apparently he still enjoyed being under the doctor's directive.
"It's upstairs." The physician pulled him along by grabbing a fistful of his sweater and then yanking at it with both hands. Two bodies collided; lips, chests, arms, and groins moving against each other in a clothed pantomime of the real thing. Clothing lay discarded in their wake as Seishin pushed Toshio towards the stairs; his sweater in the hallway, Toshio's tshirt at the foot of the staircase. Both sets of trousers had been stripped away half-way up, and by the time the two reached the top of the staircase, only Seishin had managed to keep his boxers.
Seishin gently pushed Toshio away from him, hands still resting on the doctor's shoulders. Toshio was fully erect, his surprisingly trim chest covered in a sheen of sweat, his heart racing, and his pupils blown wide. Seishin had never seen the other man like this. Their last encounter was all too desperate and hurried, and neither had been given the opportunity to watch the other's body respond to pleasure. There was something about seeing Toshio respond so eagerly to the priest's touch that made him positively ravenous. The object of his scrutiny had reached similar conclusions about the jinrou when, without warning, he grabbed Seishin's hand and pulled him along the corridor with a kind of urgency that demanded compliance.
"Which one?"
"The second door on the right." Toshio opened the door. His eyes swept over the room. A paper lantern was suspended from the ceiling, suffusing the room in a pillowy shade of blue. A large, low bed occupied the far wall, the white bedding glowing invitingly under the lantern's light. To the right of the bed, the floor was raised a few feet and steps led to a solitary wooden desk from which one could look through floor-to-ceiling windows to the hills beyond. No doubt this is where the jinrou did most of his writing. The room was modern, sparsely furnished in a Japanese style, and very neat—exactly the sort of bedroom Toshio would expect Seishin to have. He was still analyzing the contents of the room and what they might suggest about his friend when he felt the werewolf's breath at his ear.
"Make yourself at home." Seishin moved past him, pulling the doctor along by their still-joined hands. He gently pushed the brunette backwards on the bed, causing the both of them to topple over. There was a half-hearted struggle between them and when Toshio emerged victorious, Seishin did not make a single sound of protest. Toshio loomed over him, his knees on either side of the werewolf's thighs, and then he leaned in to tug at Seishin's boxers with his teeth. Seishin lifted his hips, allowing the doctor to remove the final barrier preventing skin from meeting skin. He arched into Toshio, fully expecting to revel in the feel of the other man's erection against his own, but instead he felt the unmistakable warmth and moistness of tongue. That had been unexpected, and as a result, all the air was stolen from his lungs. He bit into his lower lip to silence the unbecoming moans that threatened to spill out. He could feel Toshio's fingers pressing into his hip bone, pushing him back into the mattress while the doctor's clever tongue swirled against him. Toshio set a rapid pace, working a hand and his mouth with short strokes of intense pressure that had the jinrou clawing at the sheets. Seishin had just arrived at the conclusion that Toshio was no stranger to this sort of thing when without warning, without the smallest shred of mercy, Toshio carefully slid the tip of his canine along the werewolf's length. There was no biting back the howl that escaped Seishin's throat after that. His fang cut painfully into his lip. The pain was drowned out by the thought that he was going to climax right then, ending their evening all too soon. He placed a trembling hand in Toshio's hair, pulling gently to get the doctor's attention. "To-Toshio. Too fast."
Toshio looked up at his conquest and felt a gnawing sensation growing in his stomach. Bringing Seishin to the edge was thrilling. He considered the jinrou sexy, sure, but at the moment he realized how beautiful his friend was—delicate features, porcelain skin, and fairy-like eyes all belonging to the doctor. His head was thrown back in ecstasy, all pretense of seemliness having been abandoned as a result of Toshio's ministrations. A flush had spread across him, making his pale, pale skin seem to glow in the dim light. His mouth was hanging slightly open as he drew ragged breaths, a drop of blood clinging to the corner of his lips from where he'd cut himself. Toshio had moved in to lick the blood away when he suddenly felt Seishin's hand on his chest. "Don't." The jinrou's was still reeling from the adrenaline rush, so it took a moment for him to get the next word out. "Dangerous."
"I thought you had to bite me for this to turn dangerous." Toshio looked at his flushed companion again and tried to control his impulses. It was incredibly tempting to bring him to climax right then; the doctor knew it wouldn't require much effort. And he longed to see Seishin with hooded eyes and tousled hair. But he thought it might be in his interests to hear the other man out. In any other context 'dangerous' and 'sex' might make for an appealing idea, but given that he was having said sex with a werewolf, it seemed best to be cautious. Besides, he thought smugly, this will be much more satisfying if I make him beg for it. He smiled wickedly. He could be patient.
Seishin's breathing finally slowed enough for him to say more than a few disjointed words. "I don't know what drinking jinrou blood would do to a human. I don't want to hurt you."
The doctor was taken aback by this small gesture. Even now, Seishin seemed bent on protecting him. Toshio had invaded his home, manipulated his desires, and was prepared to have sex with him in a desperate ploy to keep him, yet the jinrou remained ever selfless. He brushed a strand of stray hair from the werewolf's forehead and placed a soothing hand against his cheek. "I know you don't." Before the other man could respond, Toshio kissed the far corner of Seishin's lips, carefully avoiding the blood, trailing softly along his neck and collarbone. Seishin relaxed at that, tilting his head to give better access. The more responsible part of Toshio's mind was pleading with him to stop, to walk away, to leave Signa at once. Their last such encounter had caused the jinrou so much heartache, after all. Toshio had almost convinced himself that he ought to stop when the jinrou once again wrapped his hand around the doctor's erection, moving up and down the shaft in maddeningly lazy strokes.
"Don't worry. I want you to, just like I wanted you to back then." The doctor banished all residual doubts from his mind and nodded in assent.
"Where's—"
"Nightstand. Second drawer." The brunette reached across his friend and opened the drawer of the nightstand. He grabbed the tube of lubricant and squeezed the cold gel onto his palms. Having warmed it, he slicked a generous amount over himself. The remainder he used to prepare Seishin, gently inserting one finger and then another, then scissoring them slowly. Seishin tensed slightly, closing his eyes and biting his lip again. His breathing grew shallow and erratic. For all his earlier talk about not waiting around to bed Toshio again, Seishin did not seem to be the profligate inamorato that Toshio imagined. Maybe he'd not been idle for the last sixteen years, but the way his body responded to the doctor's preparation suggested that he'd not been occupied by an unending series of carnal experiences either.
"Relax. This won't be like before." Seishin looked directly into Toshio's glossy, brown eyes. The doctor looked almost remorseful. This was the first time that Toshio mentioned their last encounter so bluntly, and his timing was as terrible as expected. He had not been gentle all those years ago. Seishin had not said no, and he certainly would not have denied Toshio, but he had wanted his first time to be an expression of intimacy, not a desperate pursuit of physical release. Toshio had been a disappointment in terms of intimacy, but Seishin would not have wanted to lose his virginity to anyone else.
The doctor later added that to the litany of things he'd regret.
He very slowly, very carefully entered Seishin, and finally, after having buried himself to the hilt, he kept perfectly still so that the sensation of hot-tight-hot-tight-hot would not immediately send him over the edge.
"Toshio." On the other hand, the jinrou was rather impatient.
"Shit. Sorry. I tried to go easy. Are you okay?"
"I would be better than okay if you would move!"
He let out a relieved laugh, and then pulled out slowly and pushed back, mimicking the steady, slow pace that Seishin had set with his hand only moments ago. He thrust further forward with each stroke, the last of which elicited a desperate yelp from the man struggling beneath him.
"Faster." Seishin felt Toshio brush against his prostrate and was keen to experience that sensation over and over again.
"No." The doctor leaned forward, causing both of them to gasp suddenly. He pressed his lips against the jinrou's cheek. Seishin's eyes were again clamped shut, his hands tangled in the bedding. Every muscle in his lithe body contracted as Toshio's movements caused pressure to build. With a physician's keenness, Toshio could see that he was likely going to snap if he didn't climax soon.
"Please...I can't...I need." Seishin panted. A sweeping heat was working its way through his limbs; sweat beaded along his skin. He tried to move in time with the doctor; to collide with him in hopes of intensifying the sensation, but Toshio's hands were still pressing him against the bed, pinning him in place, and while Seishin was no doubt the stronger of the two men, he found that he could not fight against the slow burn taking hold of his body.
"No." The werewolf made a sound somewhere between a moan and a whine, and Toshio nuzzled his neck, gracing the warm skin there with quick pecks. "I want to savor you." It was true. There was something about watching Seishin fall apart that he found exhilarating. The man he'd met on the hillside several hours ago had been so cold and dismissive. But all that frigidness seemed to be dissipating with each roll of Toshio's hips.
He continued in that fashion, moving in agonizingly unhurried strokes that caused the jinrou to tremble and buck in an effort to increase the friction between them if not the pace. And while Toshio was intent on prolonging the evening, he could not ignore the heat coiling low in his abdomen. He tried to maintain his rhythm, but his hips seemed to be acting of their own accord now. His thrusting sped up involuntarily, eliciting a contented moan from the jinrou. Toshio grabbed Seishin's erection, pumping him in time with his strokes when finally he felt liquid heat spread across his fingers. He continued moving until he too climaxed, and then he gently pulled out of his friend. He curled into the man at his side almost immediately afterwards. It was not characteristic of the doctor to be so expressive after sex, but he wanted to be close to Seishin, as though by breaching the physical barrier between them, he could somehow breach the psychological one. He'd come so far to find him, after all. Maybe crossing an ocean would prove his sincerity. When his heart rate slowed, Toshio chanced a glance at the jinrou and was floored to see that he was smiling contentedly at no one in particular.
"What?" He asked, instantly becoming defensive. Toshio thought that the evening had been a success, but now he was unsure. He'd not given Seishin opportunity to speak after their last time so he did not know how to read the jinrou's demeanor.
"That was…incredible. Nothing like before." Seishin's smile looked more reassuring as he turned towards the doctor. "I'd always wanted you in that way. It's like you figured out my fantasy and endeavored to make it a reality."
Toshio laughed. "If only all my lovers thought that. I could make a decent living as a host, you know."
Seishin nearly choked at the thought of Toshio the gigolo, and then he realized what was said. "Is that what you want me to be? Your lover."
Sleep was working its way into the doctor's voice, giving it a rough quality that made it that much more appealing. He was exhausted - far too exhausted for any substantive conversation, but he could not let the evening end without talking to his friend. "I don't know what I want you to be Seishin. I just don't want to be without you."
That was not what Seishin wanted to hear, but at least it was honest. Toshio's aim had been possession all along. The priest would have been furious with himself for letting things go so far if he wasn't already resigned to the fact that Toshio didn't love him, at least not in any meaningful way. But having cut his losses several hours ago, the jinrou only felt hurt. He did not feel betrayed. The doctor was clearly exhausted. Toshio would inevitably say or do something rash if he didn't rest. He was only human, after all. Seishin pressed a kiss to the brunette's forehead and wrapped an arm around him. "Go to sleep."
"No." Toshio couldn't risk falling asleep. The fear of waking to an empty bed kept his eyes from staying closed for longer than a few fleeting moments.
"I'm here. We'll talk when you wake up. I promise." With that, his eyes fluttered shut and he was fast asleep within minutes. Seishin swept his thumb across Toshio's lips and barely brushed his own against them. "I love you." A solitary tear fell against the doctor's cheek, but he was too far gone to feel it.
When Toshio woke, Seishin had cleaned them both up and re-dressed in flannel pajamas. He'd even managed to get Toshio's boxers back on. The jinrou was propped up beside the doctor, one hand wound in Toshio's hair and the other holding a book. Seishin disentangled his fingers and flipped a page, immediately slipping his hand through the brunette's locks again. Toshio relished the warmth of the werewolf's proximity. He'd not shared a bed with anyone in such a long, long time. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to dream without fear. The sensation of being held against another warm body was so soothing that he contemplated feigning sleep to let it linger.
"I know you're awake. I have very keen senses." The lantern had been turned off and Toshio couldn't see Seishin very clearly, but he thought he heard playfulness in his friend's words. Maybe things would work out to his benefit after all.
"I see that." He remarked, noting that the jinrou had been reading by moonlight alone. How he could make out the words was beyond the doctor's professional capabilities. Seishin snapped the book shut and turned his attention to the half-naked man at his side. "Wait, what's the deal with the glasses then?"
"Tragically misunderstood writer, remember?"
"Right." The moonlight streaming through the window lent a soft luminescence to the werewolf's skin. He wondered what it would be like to wake to the other man every morning. He smiled at the thought, thankful that Seishin's preternatural abilities did not extend to mind-reading. "What now?" He sat up, allowing the jinrou's hand to slip away from him. Instantly he felt colder.
Seishin seemed prepared for the conversation. In truth, he'd been rehearsing his lines and erecting his defenses while Toshio slept. He handed Toshio a glass of water. The doctor took it gratefully; sex always made him inexplicably thirsty when he woke - not that he would complain. It was like a delicious hangover. "Now you go home. That was the deal."
"What?"
"Oh, I see. You thought you'd fuck me into acquiescence, did you?" Toshio blanched at the sudden profanity. Seishin had once again shifted personalities without warning. He'd managed to go from attentive lover to a mocking adversary in a heartbeat. How can he hold me like that yet curse me out just two minutes later?
"Fuck. Okay. Where is all this…aggression coming from? This isn't like you at all."
"How would you know what I'm like?" Perhaps the most disturbing thing was that he was able to say such things without infusing even a hint of anger or hurt in his tone. The lack of any feeling in his words made them seem all the more harsh. Toshio would have preferred anger to apathy. "And frankly, I'm not being aggressive at all. I explained to you the nature of our contract earlier. You got one night. It was an amazing night, I'll give you that, but one night is all I'm prepared to render."
So there it was - Seishin had managed to sleep with him without demonstrating any emotional attachment. The doctor's conscience made its unwelcome return. Well, now you know how it feels. Revenge is a bitch, isn't she? He would have liked to argue back, but he knew the unfailing accuracy of the charge levied against him, and he'd also discovered that talking to yourself in the presence of others generally ends badly. Toshio never learned to fully guard his emotions at such short notice, so his next words were not as measured as those of his companion: "Why are you so determined to hate me?" Fuck! Why did I say that? He took a long sip from his water in hopes of stalling. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. He'd given the werewolf plenty of reasons to hate him, after all. Seishin could have worked out an alphabetized list.
"This would be much easier if I did. I love you, Toshio. I always have. And I can't have you around because you've made it clear that you don't reciprocate those feelings."
"That's unfair. I do care about you."
"I know you do. Why else would you come all this way? But it's not enough. Sunako loves me, perhaps not in the same way that I love you, but her love is not predicated upon her loneliness or dissatisfaction with her own life. And I will not trade that for someone who cares about me, but clearly cares more about having me. I am not your crutch. Not anymore."
"This is not about possession." Seishin shook his head.
"Isn't it? You said that you didn't want to be without me. You never said that you wanted to be with me. Perhaps you think I'm mincing words, but for me, it is the only thing that matters. I don't want you to need me. I want you to love me. I merit as much, I think."
"Why can't we be friends? Like before?"
"Because I'll never be satisfied with your friendship or an occasional romp. And you'll never think of me as anything more than that."
Toshio wanted to argue back, to reassure Seishin that he returned the werewolf's affections, but he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He'd lied about his feelings in the past, and it drove a wedge between the two men that had never been healed. He couldn't resort to such manipulation now. The doctor's mind had been overrun with thoughts of winning his friend back. He'd wanted someone who would understand him, who wouldn't judge him, who would see him through the nightmares, and would fill the lonely spaces in his world. He'd never considered how selfish he was for seeking such things. He could see it clearly now, and it horrified him more than all of his previous sins against Seishin combined. I really am a selfish bastard. Even now, I want to have him all to myself. The only thing that's changed is that he's finally figured out that he deserves better. He'd just opened his mouth to speak again when he realized that his head had become unnaturally heavy. The room spun. Seishin's outline blurred and although he squinted in hopes of clearing his vision, he found it impossible to see. The symptoms were all too familiar and he knew exactly what to expect next. Finally, his eyelids drooped closed once again. Seishin removed the glass from his hand before it it slipped from his grip and kissed him just as the blackness completely obscured his vision. "I'm sorry. It had to be done." The last thought that crossed his mind before he blanked out completely was that his best friend had poisoned him.
Seishin showered and dressed once again in dark slacks and a sweater. He'd retrieved Toshio's clothes and folded them, placing them beside the doctor so that he would have something to wear when he woke up. He took the cigarettes, however, and lit one up as he settled himself behind his writing desk. Toshio was sprawled face-down on Seishin's bed, his tanned skin particularly striking against the white bedding, his tousled hair infinitely alluring. The werewolf let his gaze linger over the muscles in the doctor's back and was considering tracing patterns in Toshio's skin with his fingers when he caught sight of Sunako slipping through the door. She was always silent when she moved, and had he not seen her, she would have seen him fawning over the unconscious man in the bed. He thanked a nonexistent God for happy coincidences.
"He looks dead." She glanced at the doctor. "Dare I ask what you did to him?" She arched an eyebrow in the jinrou's direction.
He laughed softly. "I gave him something to help him sleep. He'd never have shut up otherwise." Seishin leaned back and crossed his long legs on top of the desk. He offered Sunako the chair opposite him. She often sat there when he read to her. "You told him how to find me." It wasn't an accusation; there was no such thing as blame or betrayal when it came to his relationship with Sunako. There was simply action and motivation, and neither hid any of their actions or motivations from the other. This made their relationship easy in the way his relationship with Toshio could never be.
"I did." Seishin had known Sunako for six years, and despite the fact that they were always unflinchingly honest with each other, he knew that he'd barely scratched the surface in terms of discovering who she really was. He only knew that he loved what he saw—a determined and fierce woman who could be heartbreakingly fragile at the same time. She'd often retreat into herself, and he knew that like himself, she bore a sadness that no companion could reach, that no amount of time could heal. Perhaps it was this melancholy that bound them and facilitated their openness with each other. It was difficult to dissemble in front of another who understood you far too well. Sunako settled herself in the chair and pulled a cigarette from Toshio's pack. Seishin leaned in to light it for her. She inhaled and immediately pulled a face. "These are terrible. I don't understand the appeal." She kept smoking anyway.
"They taste like him."
"You're remembering him already? He's lying naked in your bed. Don't you think it's too soon?"
"I've said my goodbyes."
"That's unfortunate. I hoped you would go with him." The words were so unexpected that Seishin nearly tumbled out of his chair. She actually wanted him to leave? For what reason?
"Why would you want that? What if I don't want to go? What if I'd rather stay with you?"
"You love him more."
"He tried to kill you. Have you forgotten?"
"I invaded his home and turned his friends into vampires. I'd say that makes us even. And this is not about him, or me. It's about you. And you can't deny that your feelings for him are stronger than your feelings for me."
"They're not. I just love him differently."
"Seishin, don't mistake me. I'm not trying to slight you. I have felt more for you than anyone else, except perhaps Chizuru. My love for you is not conditional, nor does it require yours in recompense. You have a chance at a life that is more than a series of experiences linked together by nothing more than the mere fact of your existence. Shiki are immortal, but the irony is that we so rarely live. I want you to have everything I can't."
He didn't have to think too hard to get her meaning. "No. What you're saying is that you want me to get laid. Do you really expect me to believe that you and I don't have a life worth pursuing simply because it doesn't conform to hackneyed notions of happiness? I stopped believing in this kind of hopelessly romantic tripe when Sotoba went up in flames. I doubt I ever really believed in it anyway. I'm not going with him just because he'll sleep with me, or because one day, if I wish really hard, he'll agree to be my boyfriend. Sex is not humanity's defining characteristic and neither is love, and even if they were, I can find them elsewhere." He waved his hand in dismissal. I can't believe she'd buy into this 'a life without love is no life at all' nonsense. And why should I go with Toshio of all people?
"I would give you my opinion on that matter, but as you know I have no data from which to form a conclusion."
He often felt sorry for her; to be trapped in a child's body meant that you were treated as a child. Indeed, Sunako had never felt the touch of a lover. She'd never tasted the kinds kisses that had left Seishin's lips tingling with want. She could never experience what he'd experienced with Toshio that night. She had the body of a pre-adolescent girl, after all. If she ever felt anything resembling romantic love, Seishin never knew about it. Maybe she'd given up on the thought of romance when she realized that such a relationship could never be consummated. The jinrou was no expert in that area, to be sure, but he'd had sexual partners and he'd had Toshio (whatever Toshio was). And now that he was confronted with a tangible example of a life without such relationships, he felt remarkably selfish. How easy for me to say something like that to her, and how utterly thoughtless. How could he dismiss Sunako's sentiments so easily? Was he guilty of the same myopia as Toshio?
"Sunako, I'm so-"
"I don't want your apology, Seishin. I only want you to be happy."
"I'm happy with you."
"And what if you could be happier with him?"
"Don't be ridiculous. He doesn't love me. He only wants to own me. I could never be happier with someone like that. Besides, who would take care of you if I've gone?"
She laughed at that. A genuine, tinkling laugh of the sort that he adored. "Look at you. Six years a jinrou, and you think that you're taking care of me? I have over a hundred years on you. I am quite capable of seeing to my own needs."
"I didn't mean it in terms of obligation. I enjoy taking care of you, of reading you stories, of making you happy. We may not be a couple, Sunako, but we have a life. We have a home. And it's enough for me." Seishin sighed tiredly. It seemed that they were talking in circles. "What's all this about anyway? You've never done anything of the sort before."
It was her turn to adopt a disturbingly neutral tone of voice. He could only guess at what such a tone might mean. "I told you. Your happiness is my only concern. I may not always be around, you know."
His words took on a sharp urgency then. "What do you mean by that? Are you planning on leaving me?" He'd never considered that Sunako might leave. He'd always imagined that she was content to be by his side. Given recent string of events, however, this assumption seemed inaccurate. She was the one who'd allowed Toshio Ozaki to upend their domestic idyll. Panic was inching its way through his veins, making his heart beat fast and his throat go dry. Sunako could see these minute changes; she too had very keen senses. She also knew he'd never fully understand why she invited Toshio to Signa. At least not tonight.
"No, no. Nothing like that. I want to live only with you." He relaxed immediately. She seemed particularly sad tonight, he realized, and before he could make any inquiries, she stubbed out her cigarette in an abandoned water glass. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm feeling a bit jealous. I suppose I was testing your devotion, but that's all over now. It's too difficult to watch you with him."
"I hope you weren't watching."
"Of course not. You know what I mean."
"I do. But you know that I am yours. Completely."
She slid off the chair and walked around the desk to kiss him on the cheek. He watched her trail away, still baffled by their conversation. It had been a long day; he'd talk with her again some other time. Sunako looked over her shoulder before she pulled the door shut behind her. "You know, I never knew what you saw in him." She glanced appreciatively in Toshio's direction. "But he's very sexy all disheveled and tousled like that."
Toshio woke to a tongue licking his face, and he was admittedly disappointed to realize that it wasn't Seishin's. Kuro seemed only too happy to see his master again, and the doctor was pleased to find the dog in such high spirits and not exsanguinated. He then slowly recalled the memories of the night—the walk to Seishin's house, the initial argument, the amazing make-up sex, the mid-night conversation, and then, the poisoning. Well, whatever the jinrou had given him, it was designed only to knock him out. Apart from feeling a bit groggy, Toshio felt fine. He pressed his fingers against the base of his neck to search for puncture wounds, but then stopped himself. He knew that neither Seishin nor Sunako had bitten him. They wouldn't need to drug him to do so. It dawned on him that the room was entirely too quiet. The significance of the silence had not yet come to him. He turned his head to find two aspirin, a glass of water, and a piece of paper on the nightstand. He took the aspirin gratefully and was about to yell his thanks to Seishin when remnants of last night's conversation trickled back into his consciousness. He turned his attention to the note that was written in his friend's graceful script, knowing precisely what it meant even before he read the words:
Toshio,
Thank you for last night; it was everything it ought to have been. My apologies for cutting short our conversation, but I think you'll agree that it was the only way.
I'm selling this house. Please don't come looking for me again. You will find nothing of what you seek.
All my love,
-S.