8

Come, Iroh. I have much to discuss with you.

Ozai breathes against the concrete wall, hearing nothing but his own heaving. His fingertips burn as if he had been firebending; in reality he has been clawing at the wall since he arrived. The training post is empty save for the prince; he treasures this moment of solitude. No one must see him this way. Princes of the Fire Nation do not act like this.

He presses his forehead against the cool, uneven surface. He tries not to get angry, tries not to think about how Azulon's eyes glazed over him as if he were invisible, as if Iroh had been the only person standing there.

He tries not to remember how he almost called after Azulon like a pathetic brat – he is better than that. He should be better than that.

His thoughts betray him and Iroh's face comes to surface, followed by a hundred voices all at once, screaming for the unthinkable.

Brother must die.

"Ozai?"

Li's voice catches him off guard and he releases a breath he did not know he was holding. His hands drop to his sides and he straightens himself before turning to face the officer. He doesn't like putting up a front before his old friend but she has caught him at a bad time.

"What are you doing here?" Li asks, voice laced so tightly with concern that Ozai unconsciously takes a step back. He hits the wall and feels cornered, but he remembers that this is Li and not Azulon or Iroh he is facing.

He avoids her gaze. "I could ask the same of you."

Footsteps signal her approach and he considers running away.

"I'm doing my rounds before heading back. Now tell me what you're doing here in the middle of the night alone."

Ozai glares at the ground. What am I supposed to say? That I'm angry I didn't get any attention from the Fire Lord? That I want my brother to –

He struggles to complete that thought and closes his eyes in frustration. "I just needed some air. Get back to your rounds, Li."

"You don't face a wall and try to bring it down with your own two hands and call that needing some air." Li is so close to him now and he thinks he feels the heat of her gaze on him. "Talk to me."

"You wouldn't understand," Ozai says defensively, though he still looks up. Something immediately softens in her gaze, as if she sees something more than just the royal gold in his eyes. They remain that way for a while before he suddenly slips out of her shadow, pushing past her and walking toward the center of the field.

"Try me," she says, still standing somewhere behind him. He doesn't care to look; a part of him is unable to bear the way she is looking at him. He keeps his gaze forward, unblinking.

"Ozai."

He ignores the dull ache in his chest when he hears the pleading in her voice, but allows himself to look. There is a shadow of despair on Li's face, the kind he hasn't seen before. He knows this woman to be a person of strength, fearlessness. The other guardsmen dare not provoke her; to this day, he still isn't sure whether it is because of her personality or because she has the second prince of the Fire Nation on her side.

Now, Ozai thinks Li looks nothing like the girl he met ten years ago. Then he remembers that he is nothing like he was ten years ago, either, and gives in.

"You would think me a monster," he says, throat hurting for one reason or another. "You wouldn't be able to look at me after."

The golden hue in Li's eyes darkens as she lowers her gaze, whether in disappointment or something else. "I thought we were way past that."

He feels winded. "We are! You just –" He throws his hands up and lets out a groan. "It's not that easy anymore, Li! We're different – I'm different! Don't you see?" He turns on her, meeting her sad gaze again. He feels anger rising in his chest like the bile in his throat is at the thought of what she wants to know from him. "I'm not always going to be this good in your eyes! Stop dreaming! Stop dreaming! Not all princes are perfect and good and – Li?"

The tears in her eyes reflect moonlight, and more. He backs away unable to remember when he cornered her and began yelling in her face like a lunatic. His cheeks are afire with embarrassment, with shame.

Monster. He clenches his fists, preparing to walk away. When he actually takes a step away, Li catches his wrist in her hand and pulls him back. He doesn't think of resisting and follows her movement, coming face to face with Li again. What comes after is not what he expects.

She might as well have been firebending at the same time; his cheek stings with the impact of her slap, a white hot pain he is not sure he wants to be familiar with.

He brings a hand up to his hurting cheek as he returns his gaze to Li, speechless.

Did she just –

"What have the last ten years been for? What happened to being honest with each other all the time, Ozai?"

Li is furiously blinking back her tears but a stray one rolls down her cheek; Ozai chases it with his eyes, contemplating wiping it away but considers the implications and the prospect of getting another slap. Better not try anything. He holds still.

"You think I'm just going to up and leave after hearing something – something disappointing or imperfect coming out from your mouth? What do you take me for? Answer me!" She raises a hand, ready to strike him again, and this time he is prepared for it.

"Accept my apology –" he tries, but the look in her eyes tell him that she is far from accepting anything from him.

"I don't want your apology! I want your truth! I want to feel like I'm still your friend and not one of your. Court. Subjects!" She lowers her hand and jabs his chest painfully with every abrupt pause and punctuates her frustration with one last almighty push, and he stumbles back.

Shock registers first then anger follows quickly. Doesn't she know what she's asking for?

He catches her wrist now as she advances on him and tightens his grip so much that she freezes in her step. His voice is dark, low enough just for the both of them to hear. "You can't follow me. I threaten the life of the Crown Prince himself."

Li's eyes widen. "What – what are you saying…"

Ozai resists the urge to smirk, or laugh at her, as he releases her from his grip. I told you I'm different now. I told you, but you didn't listen. You never listen to me, Li.

"That's treason," she breathes. "You said –"

"Forget what I said." Ozai bites back the bitterness in his mouth. He begins to pace up and down before the speechless guardswoman. "You don't know how Father looks at me, or how he doesn't look at me. You don't know how it feels to have spent so many hours in his court, brooding over tactic after tactic, never sleeping because I'm too busy trying to impress him the next morning…and what for? He always has eyes for Iroh and only my brother. It's like –" His breath hitches and the ache in his chest seems to sharpen. Is this heartbreak? "It's like he never had a second son. I am never enough for him. Iroh does nothing and yet he's getting everything. How is that right?"

"It's not," Li says, voice lowered. "But are you really ready to kill your brother?"

"Are you ready to watch me do it?" He meets her eyes, hiding trembling hands behind his back. A part of him is hoping she has an answer for him, whether it is an attempt to sway him out of this madness or encourage him further. When she doesn't give him an answer, he chuckles - more to himself than to her.

"There," he says quietly. "You have our answer." He turns away from her. "Return to your rounds, Li. I'll see you in the morning."