A/N: This chapter is the reason this story has trigger warnings.
Chapter Four
February seventeenth. He's been in the hospital exactly two months. It's not a good day.
Therapy was tough in a way it hadn't been yet, because now that the meds are in his system, his delusions are gone and the doctor decided it was time to aggressively begin the treatment. The doctor rarely allows Kurt and Blaine in the sessions anymore, saying it's best not to encourage co-dependence. He has a point, of course, but it's not easy seeing someone you love so emotionally drained and having little comfort to offer.
Apparently, the treatment plan at this stage is for Sebastian to begin learning tools to control his switching. Skylar his put up no fight at all and, for the most part, seems willing to cooperate. Travis hasn't made himself known since the day Sebastian started taking his meds two weeks ago. Kurt expects him to be more than a little reticent but ultimately compliant.
The third alter however...
"'X'" Sebastian said a few days ago, random and unexpected.
Kurt looked up from his magazine and Blaine lifted his head from where it was resting against Sebastian's leg. "What?" they asked in unison, and Sebastian tapped the open page of his journal.
"My alters have been writing in our journal," he stated, tapping the page again. "Skylar signs all of his with a plus sign and an 'S'. Travis barely writes at all. He's answered a few of my questions, but other than that..." he trailed off, flipping the page and frowning. "There's someone who writes in here using only red and he signs his name with an 'X'."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Only in red?"
"Apparently he's going for a theme or something." Sebastian shrugged, flipping the page. "It's sort of pretentious, actually."
"He's an asshole," Blaine spoke in a clipped tone.
"Yeah, you don't need to tell me that. Believe me, I'm aware," Sebastian grumbled. "I just wish I could figure out what this 'X' wants so I can make him leave me the fuck alone."
X has been uncooperative to say the least. He's strong, loud, and seemingly omnipresent. When Sebastian is having a good day, he can fight him off and keep him in, but when he's weak or tired from therapy, X comes out. He takes advantage of Sebastian's exhaustion.
On Wednesday, Sebastian was in restraints all morning with a nurse outside his door. During the periods without the restraints (hospital policy was twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off), he picked up the journal and wrote vile things. When Sebastian found it the next morning, Skylar came out until Kurt took the journal away and asked to speak to Sebastian.
He framed Sebastian's face with his hands and said, "Baby, will you promise me something?" Sebastian nodded. "Whenever he writes something like this-" Kurt swallowed the acid in his throat and pointed to the words 'stretched out slut!' etched deeply into the paper in red pen. "I want you to write down at least two reasons why it's not true."
Sebastian swallowed thickly and Kurt continued. "Will you do that for me? Because every single thing he says to you or about you is a lie. You are still my beautiful, amazing, brilliant Sebastian and I refuse to let anyone make you believe otherwise."
Tears shone in Sebastian's eyes and he leaned forward to press a soft, adoring kiss to Kurt's forehead. "And you will always bemy Kurt."
Kurt smiled and let himself be hauled in for a proper kiss.
...but that was yesterday.
Today finds Sebastian with a short temper and a pounding headache. And even though today probably isn't the day to say it...
"I moved in with Kurt," Blaine hears himself blurt. He knows Sebastian hates to be out of the loop and Blaine feels guilty for keeping it from his for this long. Kurt's eyes dart between his boyfriends, squaring his shoulders and clearly waiting for some sort of fallout, but Sebastian just looks a bit confused and more than a little shocked and Blaine rambles on. "My parents wanted me out by my birthday. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner-"
"What the fuck do you mean they wanted you out by your birthday?!" Sebastian throws himself off the bed and to his feet, looking very much like he's about to fly into what a doctor might classify as a "psychotic rage", but Kurt is relieved in a way. It's a very genuine Sebastian reaction. "I thought they were past all the petty shit!" He freezes, his face twisting with rage as he digs the heels of his hands into his eyes. "This is not my fault! Shut the fuck up!"
Blaine is on his feet. "Baby?"
Sebastian doesn't answer. Well, not Blaine at least. "It means nothing! They were practically living together anyway and I want it that way," he argues, low and forceful, more a growl than anything else. "They love me even though you tell me I don't deserve it. And if they say you're wrong, I believe them."
Kurt and Blaine watch in silence as Sebastian battles with his own hell, amazed by how strong their boyfriend is and just howhard he's fighting. Slowly, he blinks his eyes open. "He-He stopped." There's awe in his voice. "I made him stop."
Kurt and Blaine pitch forward to wrap Sebastian in a hug.
-x-
"Sebastian, I'd like you to tell me about your family."
Dr. Harris sits back in his chair and clicks on a tape recorder, setting it on his desk and folding his hands in his lap. Sebastian sits silently for a moment, fingernails picking at a spot on his laminated paper hospital bracelet. He doesn't look up and seems almost bored when he speaks.
"My family sucks," he states frankly. "My dad's a drunk asshole and my mom is so doped up on Valium that it's like living with a zombie."
"Siblings?"
"I had a little brother, but he died when I was a kid."
"And how do you feel about that?"
Sebastian shrugs, still worrying the spot on his bracelet. "It's sad I guess, but I was just a kid."
"How old were you when he died?" the doctor asks, a knowing expression touching his face.
"About eight or nine, I think, probably." He shrugs again. "My parents don't really talk about it. I think he was born with epilepsy and a heart defect." Sebastian tips his head to the side and closes his eyes for a second before questioning, "Do you think Skylar knows more than I do?"
The words pique Dr. Harris' interest. "Why would you say that?"
"Because he wants to come out. Should I let him?" Sebastian is still not totally comfortable letting his alters out, but he feels confident enough with Skylar.
"If you think it will help," the doctor says with a polite nod. Sebastian lets out a slow breath and his eyelids flutter. The doctor's voice is soft and patient when he prompts, "Skylar?" Skylar's body shrinks in on itself and he tucks his legs under himself, staring intently down at his fingers as he plays with them. "Why did you want to come out? Do you know something Sebastian doesn't?"
"Seb doesn't remember," he whispers, shy and clearly afraid. "I helped him forget."
Dr. Harris moves the tape recorder closer to catch the quiet alter's voice. "What did you help him forget?"
"His baby brother. They were real close then he died."
"Was Sebastian there?"
Skylar swallows thickly and nods, his body starting to tremble as tears begin sliding down his cheeks at the memory, so vivid and terrifyingly real to such a scared little boy. "Y-Yeah."
"I want you to close your eyes," Dr. Harris instructs. The alter slowly complies, whimpering. "Skylar, I need you to tell me everything."
-x-
The sound of Sebastian screaming echoes through the empty hall and Kurt nearly sends a nurse sprawling as he runs full out to his boyfriend's room, Blaine hot on his heels as he shoves through the door, smacking the syringe of sedative out of a nurse's hand and diving toward Sebastian.
Sebastian clings to Kurt as he keeps screaming, his body convulsing with pure anguish, tears pouring from his eyes to soak into the collar of Kurt's shirt.
Kurt tries to soothe while Blaine is on the offensive with the nurse.
"Stop! This isn't an episode! It's Seb. Just give him some space!" he rushes, his voice loud and half-panicked as his eyes dart back and forth between the nurses coming to restrain Seb and the boy shaking violently in Kurt's hold on the bed. "Please. He's not switching!" The nurses fall back a step, clearly sensing Blaine is right, but Kurt isn't paying attention now, focused solely on calming Sebastian.
"Baby, what's the matter? Are you hurt?" Kurt's hands flutter over any exposed skin but there are no new injuries. "Honey, tell me."
But Sebastian just continues to panic. He gags with the force of his hysterics and lurches forward. "Sick. I'm going to be sick-"
"No you're not, honey. Breathe," Blaine prompts, kneeling in front of him and rubbing at his arm roughly to keep him grounded. Sebastian tries a shaky, half-aborted breath. "That's it, baby. Just keep breathing. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth..." He demonstrates to encourage Sebastian to follow his lead. He does and slowly, his breathing begins to even.
"Can you tell us what happened?" Kurt tries, brushing hair away from Sebastian's face. Sebastian opens his mouth but starts to panic again. "Slow, baby. It's okay. You're okay."
When Sebastian finally manages words, they tumble out in a rush of chaos. "I watched him die! I stood and watched my baby brother die! He looked so scared, Kurt, and I just stood there and screamed! I could have helped him, but I just let him die!"
Blaine puts the puzzle together first. Skylar shared his memory. And if Skylar is stuck at eight years old... "Baby, you were onlyeight," he soothes and realization touches Kurt as he continues. "You were just a kid. You couldn't have-"
But Sebastian refuses to be calmed. "No! I let him die! I just stood there-"
Dr. Harris clicked play on the tape recorder, letting Kurt and Blaine hear the story contained on the cassette. (They'd been coming from the doctor's office the next day, the day after Seb's therapy, when they heard him screaming.)
It was Skylar's voice on the tape, panicked and afraid.
"We were playing upstairs," he started, claiming the memory as his own as well as Sebastian's. "And Matthew was jumping on the bed while Seb read him a story. He loved when we'd read him stories, so we'd do it all the time, and we were watching him jump on the bed. We told him to stop because his momma didn't want him to do that 'cause of his head-"
The doctor's voice came on. "Because of his head?"
"His head was funny and sometimes he'd get real quiet and go still and shake, and his momma would get scared and start cryin'. So, he wasn't supposed to be jumping on the bed in the first place and his foot got wrapped up in the blankets and he fell and hit his head."
Skylar's breathing picked up, edging toward hysterics as he cried. "So we jumped down off the bed and grabbed him real tight like we saw his momma do 'cause he was shaking really hard and kickin' and stuff. His head kept hittin' the floor and Seb grabbed it to make it stop but then his eyes went funny and he stopped movin' around, so Seb started screaming louder but nobody was home."
"Seb was by himself with Matthew?"
"Uh-huh. And then his momma and daddy came home and his momma kept cryin' and yelling at Seb and his daddy was hitting him and yelling that it was his fault-"
Kurt frames Sebastian's face, forcing their eyes to meet. "Seb, that wasn't your fault. You did all you could do. You couldn't have saved him. His heart gave out, baby," Kurt breathes, shaking his head as he strokes Sebastian's cheek with his fingertips.
"He was sick and it wasn't anyone's fault." He kisses Sebastian's lips in a reassuring promise, brushing away still-falling tears. "It would make more sense to blame your parents for passing on the genes that made him sick than to blame a little boy who was left unsupervised with a boy who could go into grand mal seizures at the drop of a hat."
But Sebastian is shaking his head quickly, looking close to another panic attack.
Blaine turns him roughly until they're facing, strong hands gripping his shoulders. "Sebastian, look at me. That little boy was sick. There was nothing you or any doctor could have done. It's horrible and it shouldn't have happened-no child should ever die-but under no circumstances should you have been left alone with him when it was only a matter of time before it happened."
He presses a kiss to the trembling boy's forehead. "Baby, nothing about that was your fault. I need you to believe me about this. You were just a kid, Seb. And your parents are fucking heartless for ever letting you believe that you were at fault. Jesus, Seb, you should have been thrown into therapy right after that happened, because no one could ever be okay after going through something that traumatic."
Silence drags on after Blaine finishes, Sebastian shifting to wrap his arms around Blaine's neck and cling there, whimpering brokenly as Kurt and Blaine run hands over his back to comfort. Finally, shattered and brittle, "They wouldn't even let me go to his funeral."
The click of Kurt's jaw locking is audible. "What?" The word comes through gritted teeth.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye."
After a few deep breaths, Kurt is able to count to ten and tamp down his rage. He rocks forward and kisses Sebastian on the lips. Hard. He able takes another breath and rests a hand on the boy's cheek. "I am so sorry, baby," he breathes out, relaxing a little as Sebastian leans into the touch. An idea forms in his mind and he grimaces. "I have an idea that I think might help."
"What is it?" Blaine asks, wiping away tears on Sebastian's face.
Kurt takes Sebastian's hands and soothes over the knuckles with his thumbs, sympathy in his voice. "We're going to have a funeral."
A/N: Reviews are always appreciated.