Chapter Seven
Kurt is cross-legged on the floor surrounded by scattered empty bags. He drags his hand through his hair with a frustrated huff and sighs.
"Blaine?" he calls through the apartment, receiving a 'what?' of acknowledgment from the bathroom at the end of the hall. "Where is that little box of Seb's things? I can't find it." He unfolds his legs and pushes off the floor, continuing as he walks toward the bathroom. "I know I packed it, and I have to take it out of that wooden box before I bring it, but-"
He breaks off when he sees Blaine tying his bowtie in the mirror. It's nothing he hasn't seen hundreds of times, but for some reason, he's utterly captivated by it today. It's mundane, normal, and oddly domestic, and he feels almost stupid for the way his lips quirk up into a warm smile.
Blaine turns, still worrying his tie. "I was listening," he prompts easily, before an amused, "Kurt?"
And that's when he realizes why he was so struck by such a trivial thing. It isn't that Blaine is getting ready; it's that he's getting ready in their apartment. He feels the idiot grin on his face but doesn't care enough to stop smiling.
"You're staring," Blaine accuses, light, teasing, and Kurt wraps his arms around the smaller boy's waist and hooks his chin over his shoulder, having no intention of sharing the reason behind the absolutely love-drunk smile he sees reflected back at himself in the mirror.
Instead, he presses a kiss to the side of Blaine's neck with a contented hum. "I was just noticing that you look very handsome today," he says with another soft kiss to Blaine's neck. Blaine relaxes into Kurt's arms with a soft sigh.
"I love being here with you," he says, voice soft and comfortable. "I know it's not perfect because Seb isn't here, but being here, with you, it feels like a start, y'know?"
He does know. "He'll be here soon, baby," Kurt soothes, feeling for the first time as though the words might actually be true.
Apparently, Blaine feels the same, because he turns in Kurt's arms and stretches up to press a soft kiss to his lips. "I can't wait." There's a beat of silence before Blaine kisses him again, quick and soft. "And I put the box of Seb's things on top of the dresser in the shoebox you set out."
Kurt smiles gently and squeezes Blaine. "Thank you, sweetheart." He pulls back and lets himself really look at Blaine-all warm smiles and bedroom eyes-and kisses him again. "You really do look amazing today."
Blaine's answering smile is absolutely dazzling.
-x-
The devious tilt to Sebastian's smile makes Kurt stop a half-step through the door. "What did you do?"
"Me?" Sebastian returns, taking mock offense at the accusation. His eyes are sparkling with mischief. "Why, Kurt, I'd never-"
"Sebastian."
His grin stretches wider and he shrugs casually. "I think I may have scarred one of the 'accept Jesus' people for life today..."
Kurt tries to stifle a laugh but fails miserably. Blaine just looks confused. They cross the room to sit next to Sebastian and Blaine prompts him to continue.
"It was his fault," Sebastian defends, smirking. "He came in here being all judgey, saying that I needed to accept Jesus because I was possessed by demons or some shit-"
"And I'm sure you politely disagreed and parted ways cordially," Kurt teases.
Sebastian tries to hide his grin and shrugs noncommittally. "You might not believe it, babe, but I did try. I told him really politely that I wasn't interested, because he was just doing his job, y'know, but then he started being a total dick about it, so I stopped playing nice."
"What did you do, Sebastian?" Blaine asks with wide eyes.
"Okay, first of all, I'm going to expect a thank you for defending your honor like I did," he starts, and Kurt rolls his eyes fondly and takes Sebastian's hand. Sebastian slides his thumb over Kurt's knuckles unthinkingly as he continues. "So, the guy came in and told me that I was always going to be sick if I didn't give my life to God. I told him really politely that I disagreed and that I wasn't interested. But then he gave me this pamphlet full of pseudo-scientific, religious psychobabble and I started to get pissed off because he shouldn't be going around fucking with sick people's minds-especially in a place like this."
Kurt squeezes Sebastian's hand to center him. Apparently it works because he's calmer when he continues. "But he just kept saying that Jesus would cure me of my demons and I wouldn't be lonely anymore. So I told him that I already had three people inside me trying to tell me how to live my life and that I damn sure didn't need another one, and that he shouldn't assume that just because I'm shut up in a nuthouse that I'm alone and forgotten."
"Because you're not," Blaine pipes in. Sebastian smiles and leans over to kiss him.
"I know, beautiful," he answers, voice warm, before shaking his head. "But a lot of people in here are and he's playing on that in order to get converts. Anyway," His voice perks up, clearly getting to his favorite part of the story. "He looked around and saw this picture-" He points to the photo taped to the wall at eye level with Sebastian's pillow. It's a picture of Kurt and Blaine playfully kissing on Kurt's last birthday. It's Sebastian's favorite.
"And he asked who it was so I told him that it was a picture I took of my boyfriends. His eyes got the size of saucers, so I kept talking. I told him how we've been together for over a year and that I wasn't getting better because Jesus was guiding me like a lost lamb, that the reason I'm getting better is because of the love and support you both have given me."
Sebastian shrugs noncommittally but his eyes are warm. "I told him that it wasn't God who saved me when I cut my wrists and swallowed a fistful of sleeping pills, it was you two, so he could keep Jesus, and I'd keep you."
"What'd he say to that?" Kurt asks breathily, moved.
"He said that I'd never be cured of my demons and my sin if I didn't accept Jesus, so I told him that, given the choice, I was going to choose the pretty boys who let me kiss them, over the invisible man in the sky who's never done a damn thing for me and who let an innocent little boy be born sick and then die before he ever had a chance to live."
His voice is strong and even. "And if God, does exist and lets shit like that happen, then I'm not so sure I want anything to do with him anyway. Then he said something like, 'The lord can give you salvation.' So, I told him that you two were probably going to bring me coffee and that I wanted that more than eternal salvation."
Blaine laughs out a breathless sound. "You're unbelievable, Sebastian. Absolutely amazing."
"Yeah well, he didn't seem to think so. He got really flushed and told me that he was going to prey on my soul-"
"Pray for your soul, Sebastian," Blaine laughs, though he's sure Sebastian's turn of phrase was entirely intentional. Kurt does his best to stifle a giggle and Sebastian just shrugs, smirking deviously.
He waves a dismissive hand toward Blaine, his eyes sparkling with evident amusement. "Same thing. Either way, he left in a big hurry."
"You're pretty pleased with yourself, aren't you?" Kurt asks, his lips quirking up. He's rewarded with a heartbreaking smile. And God, he's missed Sebastian being like this: Cocky, smug, and even a bit of a jackass.
It's the boy he fell in love with.
Sebastian shifts and tilts his head a bit. "He shouldn't be trying to screw with people's heads in a place like this. It's not right. Some of these people are desperate for any scrap of affection and he's playing on that. It's totally unethical."
"Sebastian Smythe, moral authority and master of the ethical code," Kurt teases and Sebastian straightens up, preening.
"Well," he starts haughtily. "I try not to brag-"
Blaine barks out a laugh. "You don't succeed."
Another blinding smile lights up Sebastian's face before it softens into something warm and fond. "And now that I've regaled you with the story of my morning, I think it's time you showed me what's in that shoebox you're trying to hide behind your back."
Kurt and Blaine shift anxiously, neither wanting to be the one to dampen Sebastian's mood when it's so rare to see him in such good spirits. He reaches out and rests a warm hand on Blaine's leg; his smile hasn't dimmed. "I know you're both nervous, but I know that I'm okay today."
He kisses both boys on the lips. "I promised that I wouldn't keep anything from you, and I meant that. If I wasn't okay enough to handle this, I swear I'd tell you that. But I know I can handle this."
Blaine rocks forward and kisses Sebastian full and lingering, only pulling away to whisper an awestruck, "I love you so much," before kissing him again.
When they finally break apart, Blaine shifts into Sebastian's side and wraps an arm around the small of his back as Kurt sets the shoebox between them and starts explaining. "Since your last trip to the hospital, the doctor doesn't think that our idea for a funeral is in your best interest anymore, and Blaine and I agree." Sebastian nods his own agreement so Kurt continues.
"So..." he drawls, tapping on the lid of the box. "Instead, we're going to do it this way." He takes the lid off the box and dumps its contents onto the bed.
There's not much inside the box-just a few pictures, a smooth, flat stone, a newspaper clipping, and a few other odds and ends. It looks very much like the keepsake box of an eight year old kid.
Sebastian picks up the stone, turning it over in his fingers and staring at it as though it holds some great mystery. "I taught Matthew how to skip rocks with this stone. He thought it was so cool that I could do that, so one day, I got a few flat rocks from the driveway and showed him how to skip them across the pool. Being like four years old, this was the only one he actually managed to skip, and he made me jump in the pool and get it. He always kept it in his pocket because he said it was his lucky rock."
His voice is calm and easy, as though he's talking about something with no more weight than a discussion of the weather. Kurt takes his hand. "What do you feel?"
"I feel like, I know the stone means a lot to me, but it's like...I'm not emotional even though I know I should be. I mean, I remember the memory and it makes me happy, but I don't feel the pain of remembering him that I know I should have. It's like it's locked away, like someone took it from me."
Kurt nods. "I read online that would happen." Sebastian rolls his eyes and mutters something about feeling like a research project, but Kurt continues anyway. "Which is why..."
"You want me to work with Skylar," Sebastian finishes. He shakes his head. "He doesn't like to talk about it."
Blaine shifts closer. "Baby, I think the reason he hasn't opened up or connected with you again is because of the way you reacted when he shared what he remembered about how Matthew died. It's so strange, but he adores you, Seb. He thinks you hung the sun and the moon, and I think he's got a misguided sense of duty that makes him hold onto his secrets and your pain because he thinks that he's protecting you," Blaine says quietly. "He'd rather let himself suffer than hurt you."
Sebastian seems to think about that for a minute. "He barely tries to talk to me anymore."
"Have you tried talking to him?" Kurt wonders.
"Once. I know he's been out though. He writes stories in the journal." Sebastian's brow creases with concern. "You really think he feels guilty for sharing the memory?"
Kurt nods. "I really think he does."
"What if I wrote him a thank you letter and left it for him to find?" Sebastian asks thoughtfully. "God, I didn't even think about that. It's so easy with Travis because he's shared pretty much everything, and I can fill in the blanks from there. Travis always just comes out with it, so I never even considered that Skylar might not be the same way," he muses before trailing off into a thoughtful silence.
He picks up a picture off the bed and smiles softly at the image. "I remember that I loved him. I was so proud to be his big brother. All the adults told me that he wasn't normal and that he was special needs, but I never saw him like that. He was always just Matthew to me. I always let him do things mom and dad wouldn't let him do. I didn't know why he couldn't have a bike, I just knew I didn't want him to feel left out, so I let him ride on the pegs of mine."
Blaine squeezes Sebastian's hand. "You were a good big brother, sweetheart. I know how it feels to be the left out little brother. It's awful. You were probably the only person who ever tried to let him have a normal childhood. And, coming from experience, I can tell you that the time you spent with him, letting him do normal things, probably meant everything to him."
Sebastian wraps Blaine in a hug, resting his head in the crook of the smaller boy's neck. "Thank you, baby." He presses a kiss to the nearest patch of exposed skin. He pulls out of the embrace, but he holds Blaine close as he turns back until he's facing forward again. "I'm about to do something that I typically despise, but that I really need to do."
He takes a deep breath. "You know that I'm not a big fan of making maudlin declarations of my love and devotion-I'm more of a 'find a way to show you I love you so you never forget' kind of person-but I've had a lot of time to think and reflect lately, and I just need to tell you this, okay?"
Kurt and Blaine both nod, more than a little shocked, because no, Sebastian most certainly not prone to overly sentimental outpourings of affection. He has a way of conveying his love so simply with every smile, touch, and kiss to the point that, when he says, 'I love you,' it's already a foregone conclusion.
"Okay," he confirms with a nod. "You both have gone through hell for me and you've never once complained or bitched about how tired you were, even when I could tell you hadn't slept. In a way, it's easy for me in here. All I have to do is talk to a shrink and work on getting myself back on track. I don't have to work. I don't have bills. I can sleep whenever I want. This isn't real life. It's like a shelter, and I get to be selfish and indulgent while you both are working yourselves to death and making sacrifices just to make sure I don't have to think about anything.
"I mentioned once that the laundry soap they use here makes the clothes scratchy and from that point on, Kurt has been washing my clothes after working all day, and I know that Blaine pawned his watch for gas money. I know that I tell you every day that I love you, but I don't think that I've ever really told you just how much I appreciate every single thing that you've done and every sacrifice that you've made.
"I'm sure that, for every one I know about, there are at least two that I don't, and even though I hate that you've had to sacrifice anything for me, I have never felt as completely loved and cared for as I do now, because apparently, somewhere along the line, you decided that I was worth putting your lives on hold and sacrificing damn near everything for."
He swallows thickly and there's determination in his eyes. "And I want you both to know that, were the situation somehow reversed, I would do the same for you in a heartbeat. I couldn't understand at first why you were putting yourselves out so much because of me, but then I asked myself what I would do if it was one of you in here, and I didn't even have to think about it, because I love you both more than I could ever tell say.
"And if you love me even half as much as I love you, then I get it-the every day visits, the sacrifices, the sleepless nights. It all makes sense because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd do anything to make sure that both of you knew how precious you are to me and how much I love you and want you to be happy and safe and healthy."
He takes a deep breath and rests his hand over Kurt and Blaine's joined hands. "So, I said all that to tell you this: I know that I have my bad days, but I just need you both to know that I'm fighting as hard as I can to get better, because I want us to get back to being us. I want us to start our life together." His voice is earnest and fervent.
"I want New York and a shitty apartment. I want school and a minimum wage job that barely covers my share of the bills, because that is our dream, and that's what I'm fighting for. Every day it's getting easier to hold onto that. It reminds me who I am and why I shouldn't just give up when things get really bad."
Blaine's entire body is trembling as he cries, and all he can manage is a breathy, "Seb..."
Kurt is slightly more composed but his voice is barely a whisper. "We're going to have that, baby." He squeezes Sebastian's hand. "You are so strong and Blaine and I are so proud of you. And you're going to get better so that we can go starve to death in a cramped, freezing apartment in the most beautiful city in the world."
Sebastian chokes out a watery laugh and pulls his boyfriends close, holding a bit too tight but absolutely perfect. "I love you both so much."
And, in unison, Kurt and Blaine return, "We love you, too, Seb."
-x-
It's nearly agonizing to leave after such an emotional day, but inevitably, the time comes and they have to part ways. Nurse Dani looks the other way while they take an extra few minutes past the end of visiting hours (and then a few more minutes after that) to say goodbye, but eventually, they do have to leave.
They get just out of earshot before Kurt grabs Blaine's hand and drags them toward Dr. Harris' office. They catch the man just as he's about to lock up and go home, so Kurt starts quickly. "I didn't say anything to Seb because I wanted to talk to you first..."
Dr. Harris nods and politely inquires, "What can I do for you?"
Kurt takes a deep breath and says, "I'd like to request a weekend pass for Sebastian."
A/N: Reviews are always appreciated. :)