Disclaimer- I don't own LOTR.

Sorry for the delay! Enjoy! :)

"It's been how many years and Thranduil's still here?" complained Galadriel. "I figured that his absence was the only good thing about this place!"

Gandalf sighed. "Why. I mean, really. Why? He's not even that important to the story, and all these girls are going crazy over him! Ugh!"

"I never found him that attractive," sulked Elrond.

"You're just pissy because you got stuck as a forty year old man for all eternity," snickered Galadriel.

"Yeah, well, at least I'm not a bitch for all eternity!" retorted Elrond.

"Except...you kinda are."

The burn was palpable.

Thranduil was right in the middle of a double-twist acrobatic split in the air on wires while cleaning his teeth with toothpaste of the gods when he looked into the stands (with bright, clear, gorgeous eyes) and noticed the party of five. His mouth opened in shock and he performed a backflip over to them, bowing out of the show with magical plot skills.

"Galadriel, you old whore!" he grinned.

"Thranduil, you old prick!" she said affectionately.

He placed a well-manicured hand to his chest in mock hurt. "Old? I resent that remark!"

"Resemble, more like," pointed out Gandalf. "What has it been, five thousand years?"

"Six, actually. I thought you all had abandoned this fair planet for your Valinor."

"It's your Valinor too, you know," replied Galadriel.

"That place couldn't handle my light," bragged Thranduil.

Thranduil noticed Elrond, who closed his eyes. "Halfelven! Is your cackhole as open as ever?"

"I wish you death and high taxes."

"So I take it you've gotten this far through blow-jobs?"

Elrond turned up his nose and gave Thranduil the silent treatment. Thranduil responded by squeezing Elrond's ass far harder than normal, eliciting a yelp from the poor abused Half-elf.

"So what are you doing here?" drawled Thranduil.

"Looking for a way to get to Valinor," replied Galadriel, rolling her eyes. "Obviously. Got any ideas?"

"No, but I can put the ol' thinking cap on and try! Come on over to my place and we can talk about it."

"What thinking cap?" muttered Elrond. "What brain?"

Bilbo patted Elrond's arm gently. "It's okay, old man. You don't need to try anymore. Soon they'll send you to the farm where all good animals go."

Frodo bit his lip. "I don't think you're helping."

"Shut up, Frodo m'boy, unless you want to end up flushed down the toilet like your goldfish!"

"That's what happened to Sammy?" wailed Frodo. "He wasn't even dead!"

"He was dead to me!"

"Don't tell me what to do! you're not my real father!"

Thranduil stared at the hobbits. "What in pompadour's sake are those? Especially hairy midgets?"

"No," sighed Gandalf. "They're hobbits."

"Hob-a-what?" spluttered Thranduil.

"They were instrumental during the War of the Ring! Y

ou were t-oh, never mind," sighed Elrond, giving up. He turned away from the others, deciding to keep his mouth shut from both blow-jobs and words.

Thranduil squinted closely at the hobbits. "They're the perfect height to give one a blow-job, are they not?"

Frodo and Bilbo edged away from Thranduil slowly.

"Frodo?"

"Yes, Uncle?"

"Do you still have my old Ring? Because it would be super duper useful right now."

"Gollum made me destroy it. Annoying little bugger."

"Who?"

"I see you're no longer lucid."

"Can you eat a lucid?"

Frodo tried to edge away from Bilbo but ended up running back into Thranduil, who grabbed him by the scruff and licked him from hairline to chin.

"Struck by lightning, struck by lightning!" cried Frodo.

Bilbo kicked Frodo in the shin. "That's my line!"

Galadriel sniffed Thranduil. "My dear, I believe you do smell of prunes."

"Weren't we going to go to your place or something, Poncyboots?" asked Gandalf, desperately hoping to get his so-called friends back on the right track.

Thranduil clapped his hands together gleefully. "That's right! Come, come..."

Thranduil led them out of the circus tent, past the fairly confused viewers, and to his house.

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