All That I'm Living For
Disclaimer: Inuyasha is not mine, so these characters are not mine.
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Chapter Three
Rin walked with the men, her bow and arrows slung over her back, wearing a pair of pants and a loose blouse; it was easier to fight without the yukata restricting her legs. She didn't think they would need her at all, but she was prepared just in case. Naraku was dead so the monk only had his religious scrips and sacred power to rely on; the only one with any real power was Inuyasha, who still wielded the Tetsaiga, the sword her Lord once coveted. Shippo and Kohaku, well, she didn't know what they were capable of. Kohaku was a demon slayer, brought back to life—after Naraku was killed—by the shikon jewel, the wish that had purified the jewel; so he was formidable, though when he was younger he was prone to sloppiness unless he was being controlled by Naraku. Shippo was no longer a young kitsune, so she wasn't sure what he could do.
"Lady Rin," Kohaku said, hanging back and walking by her side. Shippo talked with Inuyasha and Miroku.
"Yes?" she said, not looking at him. She had been acutely aware of his gaze since they left the village, and she was a little unnerved.
"How have you been?"
She smiled. "Fine. Lord Sesshomaru treats me very well."
"He always has. But why are you here? Wouldn't you rather be traveling with your Lord?"
Rin paused. What could she say? Yes, she'd rather be with her Lord, but he was driving her crazy, both in mind and body. "I . . . yes, but . . . ." She sighed.
"I see," Kohaku said.
She said nothing.
"I hear that you are very proficient with the bow," he said, changing the subject.
"Kagome taught me when I was a little girl."
He smiled and nodded. "Sango has been training me as well."
"Really? I didn't know she could use your weapon."
"My sister is proficient in many weapons," he said softly.
Pause. "Does it still hurt?" she said.
He nodded. "I haven't been able to get rid of the images of me killing my family. I know it wasn't me, but it doesn't help. Sango tells me to let it go, but it's difficult when you can see the eyes of all the people you've killed."
"You were under Naraku's possession; that must count for something," she said, touching him softly on the shoulder.
He sighed and relaxed a little at her touch. "You have always been good to me, Lady Rin."
She blushed. "I was only a child when you traveled with us after Priestess Kikyo died."
"And you were only a child when I kidnapped you and tried to kill you," he countered.
"You were possessed!"
He smiled at her indignation and reached for her hand, but she pulled away. She couldn't give him any hope.
"Kohaku," she said, stopping and putting her hand on his chest. She could feel his heart beat, fast and steady. "I can't."
He took her hand and glanced behind her, noting that everyone was out of ear shot. "I will be here." He kissed her softly on the forehead and walked away.
She closed her eyes and let herself dream a little. A house, with children, and husband who would love her; someone who wouldn't be afraid of letting himself go, someone who could love her in return and not despise her humanity. But he wasn't Lord Sesshomaru. She opened her eyes and caught up with the others.
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Jaken muttered darkly to himself as he sighted the village. He landed with Ah-Uh in front of Kaede's hut. "Rin!" he called.
Kagome poked her head out of the hut. "Jaken!" She came out of the hut, followed by Izayoi, Sango, and Kilala.
"Who's the ugly green man, Mommy?" Izayoi said.
Jaken's eyes widened. "You have a child?" he sputtered.
Kagome nodded. "And another on the way."
He shook his head; he wasn't here for this; he was here to get Rin. "Where's Rin?" he said.
Kagome pointed in the direction Rin had gone. "She went to help the others fight a demon."
"What? My Lord will be most upset," Jaken said, his fright evident in his voice. If anything happened to that girl, Lord Sesshomaru would have his head.
"Well, you know Rin; can't say no to her," Kagome said.
"Mommy," Izayoi said, tugging on Kagome's skirt. "Who's the green man?"
"Oh, Izayoi, this is Master Jaken, your Uncle's—what are you?" she said, directing the last part to Jaken.
Jaken cleared his throat and stood tall. "I am Lord Sesshomaru's servant."
"Oh," Izayoi said, disappointed.
"Jaken, this is Izayoi, my daughter," Kagome finished.
Izayoi walked away. "He's not as important as Lady Rin."
"What?" Jaken said.
"Izayoi!" Kagome exclaimed.
"I'll have you know that I run my Lord's estate," he said, indignant.
"But you're just a servant; Lady Rin is Uncle's Lady; she's much more interesting."
"Izayoi, behave yourself!"
Sango giggled.
"Rin is not Lord Sesshomaru's Lady; she is his ward and nothing more," Jaken said, trying to clear up the matter of Rin.
Izayoi's ears perked up. "He loves her, doesn't he?"
"My Lord loves no one, especially a human. Human's are beneath him."
"But she still follows him around, and he sent you here to get her, didn't he?"
Jaken's face looked at her, confused. How old was this girl? Shouldn't she be playing with dolls instead of trying to learn about palace intrigue? "How old is your daughter?"
"Four," Kagome said, "but she is very gifted, smartest person in her class. I wouldn't be surprised if she skipped a few grades."
Jaken shook his head. He couldn't understand anything these women were talking about. He grabbed Ah-Un's reins. "I need to get Rin before my Lord has my head." He walked away.
"Bye, green man. Tell Uncle about me," Izayoi called after him.
He shuddered.
That stupid girl. What had she gotten herself into? Going off and trying to fight a demon without Lord Sesshomaru. He would put a stop to this immediately.
He jumped on Ah-Un and found Rin a few hours later. She was setting up camp with the half-demon and his pack. "Rin!" he said, jumping off of Ah-Un.
"Master Jaken!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" She patted Ah-Un's head and whispered comforting words to the beast.
"My Lord demands that you come home now," Jaken said. "Let's go."
"No."
Everyone stopped what they were doing. "Rin-" Inuyasha began.
"I said I would help you, and I keep my word," she said.
"We will be fine; go home."
"Rin, Lord Sesshomaru will be very upset if you don't come home with me," Jaken said, trying to convince her to come with him.
"If he wants me to come home then he can come and get me himself," she said, not looking at Jaken.
Jaken gasped. "Foolish girl! My Lord will not come down here just to get you."
"Then I won't go home." She walked away from him.
"Rin, you must-"
"No, Master Jaken. I will not. He cannot command me to come to him anymore."
Jaken looked at her like she had grown another head. "What do you think you can accomplish by acting like this? My Lord will not play any of your games, you should know this."
"I will not play his either," she said softly.
Jaken jumped onto Ah-Un's back. "Lord Sesshomaru won't come." He left.
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"Lady Rin," Shippo said later.
Rin was sharpening her arrow tips against a rock. She left the group after Master Jaken had departed, upset; she didn't want everyone to see her cry. Master Jaken had been right; Lord Sesshomaru would not come to get her just because she demanded him to. What had made her think he would? She should have just gone home, but she couldn't; she'd just fall into the same trap, yearning after Lord Sesshomaru and getting no satisfaction. At least her pain was alleviated a bit by not being in his presence all the time.
She looked up.
"How are you feeling?" he said, sitting down on the ground.
"Why does everyone ask that?"
He smiled. "Something must be wrong; you're not skipping around and picking flowers."
"I stopped picking flowers a long time ago."
"Really? When?"
She thought back.
She had made a particularly good wreath one day, made of dozens of wild flowers. As Lord Sesshomaru bent down to accept her gift, her hand brushed his face, and she felt a shock between them. His eyes had widened, but he hadn't pushed her hand away. She held her hand to his face, covering the purple stripes, and ran it down to his chin. Jaken had stumbled upon them and she had jumped back, embarrassed. She hadn't made a wreath since, mortified by her behavior and unable to control the pressure in her stomach whenever she was close to him, face to face.
"A few years ago," she said.
"Look, Rin," Shippo said after a pause, dropping the formality. "I'm not Lord Sesshomaru," he touched her cheek softly, "but I can love you as you want to be loved."
She smiled sadly, shaking her head. "You have to realize that any advance you make would be an affront to him."
Shippo stepped back, surprised.
"I am his creature," she said.
"You have a will of your own."
She shook her head again. "No, I don't."
"How can you say that? You just told Jaken that you wouldn't go home, that Sesshomaru would have to come and get you himself."
She laughed. "He will not come tonight to get me, but he will eventually. I am utterly his creature, to be used at his disposal."
"Rin," he said, looking at her in disbelief, "you can't possibly think that you're disposable?"
"To my Lord, I am."
"How can you live with him?"
She smiled and turned away from Shippo. "I can't."
"Then come with me," he said, grabbing her hands.
"I can't live without him."
He released her hands, his eyes sad. "I see." He sighed. "No chance at all, is there?"
"No, none at all."
He sighed again, running a hand over his face and through his hair. "Well, at least I gave it a try." He smiled at her suddenly. "I will be here," he echoed, and walked away.
Rin sat down and began to sharpen more points. Two men in one day had proposed to her. She would have been thrilled if she were any other woman, but she wasn't any other woman; she was Lord Sesshomaru's Lady, and she was in love with her Lord.
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"Jaken, why is Rin not with you?" Sesshomaru said when Ah-Uh had landed.
"That stupid girl-" thump "sorry, my Lord—she demanded that you go and get her." Jaken rubbed his head.
"Did she?" he said, walking away from Jaken.
"You're not going to go get her, are you?"
Sesshomaru threw a rock at Jaken's head.
"Sorry, my lord."
Sesshomaru went to his room. He looked at the waning moon, similar to the crescent on his forehead. She was testing him, again. She had done this before, when the young miko had needed his help, and he had relented. Now she was doing it again, and he knew eventually he would give in and get her himself; but not tonight. She would have to wait at least until morning. She would be safe for the night with his half-brother.
He missed her but she needed to learn that she couldn't get everything she wanted from him. She had to learn at some point that she was his, not the other way around. He would teach her this lesson, and perhaps her passion would abate and he would be able to see her as the little girl she used to be, the little girl who had smiled at him while putting a wreath of wild flowers on his head.
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R & R.
Fishing, fishing, fishing.