All That I'm Living For

Disclaimer: Inuyasha is not mine, so these characters are not mine.

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Chapter Seven

Rin woke, tucked under her Lord's strong arm, her body pressed to him, his hand gently stroking her hair. She looked up at his face and saw his amber eyes staring up into the sky, seemingly unaware that she had woken. She placed her head on his chest, over his heart, and listened to the beat, her eyes closing, the sound almost lulling her back to sleep.

"Rin," he said.

"Yes, my Lord?" she murmured, her ear still pressed close to his chest, her eyes closed.

"We should go."

"Just a little longer," she said, the words slipping out of her mouth before she could stop them. Tears threatened to pour down her face; what was wrong with her? She never disobeyed her Lord, and now she was doing it all the time.

He said nothing, just continued to play with her hair, and then moving his hand down her body, gently stroking her back, causing her to moan. She tensed; oh god she needed to get away from him, before her body betrayed her. She pulled away from him and stood up. "You're right, my Lord: we should go." She turned on her heel and walked away.

She clenched her fists. The torture was coming back—the sweet torture of her everyday life. She was falling again, falling into her Lord's eyes, tripping after his every step. Her body was betraying her at every step, making her clumsy and hot; her body burned for him.

He walked beside her, shortening his gait so she wouldn't need to rush to keep up with him. She peered at him from the corner of her eye, confused; her Lord never walked with her: he walked before her. Why was he so close? He never came this close to her of his own free will; she was the one who went to him, the one who initiated contact. Her hand brushed his and she flinched, looking away, towards the ground.

"Why do you flinch?" he asked,

"I'm sorry, my Lord; I shouldn't have touched you," she said, slowing her step so she could walk behind him.

He slowed, not letting her slip behind him. "I have not reprimanded you."

"I know, my Lord," she said, turning her face away and covering it with her hand, so he couldn't see her panic. "I, um, it's just-"

He took her hand away from her face and held it, palm-to-palm, his claws gently scratching her hand.

She gasped, stopping, his momentum forcing him to look at her as he rounded. "My Lord!" She did not pull her hand from his.

He held it in his hand, studying its lines and contours, then looked at her. "Is there something wrong, Rin?"

"No," she said as he led her away, her hand still in his.

Rin's rational thought processes stopped as they walked. Her Lord was holding her hand; she had dreamed of this day for years, the day when he would—of his own volition—reach out and take her hand. It had been a fantasy, of course, because her Lord detested humans, but she couldn't help but dream and hope, and now, here he was, holding her hand. Tears slipped down her cheeks.

He stopped and she bumped into him. He released her hand, placing it on his chest, and lifted her chin, staring into her eyes. "Why are you crying?"

"What?"

He ran a claw down her cheek, tracing the trail of her tears. "You're crying."

"I, I'm, well-" She had nothing to say; she couldn't tell him her secret wish, even though it had come true. She was afraid if she told him this, the rest would come rushing out and she would die of embarrassment.

"Please don't cry," he said softly.

She sniffled. "I will try, my Lord."

He didn't push the issue, just grabbed her hand and walked with her until it was dark. She laced her fingers with his and leaned against him, inhaling his scent.

"We will camp here for the night, Rin," he said when the moon was high in the sky.

"Yes, my Lord," she said.

He released her hand and she whimpered softly. "I will not leave you, Rin."

Rin closed her eyes, embarrassed again. She hadn't meant to whimper; it had just come out. She wanted to pull her hair out and scream. "I know, my Lord," was all she said.

"We will bathe before we sleep tonight, in the hot springs."

Rin realized that the temperature was hotter than usual. He had chosen this place because of it's vicinity to the hot springs. Her Lord had said he wouldn't leave her; would he bathe with her? She blushed and held her hands to her cheeks.

"What's wrong, Rin?"

"Nothing," she said, "I am just," she rolled her shoulders, "sore."

"I see; come this way." He led her to the hot springs, turning his back to her as she undressed and slipped beneath the water.

"My Lord," she said after she had settled in one place. She closed her eyes as he undressed and climbed in besides her.

"Rin," he said.

She opened her eyes. He sat next to her, his silver hair pooling around his body—just as she had seen when they were home, except he was seated beside her. His eyes were closed and he leaned against the rock, his body relaxing as the heat soothed his muscles. "Let me wash your hair, my Lord," she said.

He turned his back to her and she gently washed the dried blood and dirt from his hair, pulling out leaves and other things she couldn't identify. After she was done, she kneaded his shoulders, washing his neck and back, pouring water down his body. He leaned against her and the contact made her shudder; her Lord had never touched her naked body before, had never seen her naked body as far as she was aware. She pulled away from him and dipped under the water, wetting her hair and effectively stopping her shaking. She crouched in the water, keeping her body below the water level, as he turned around.

"Come, Rin," he said.

What did he want? She didn't want him to see her ugly body, but she couldn't disobey him. She stood and walked to him. His eyes grew wide as he saw her naked form, but he turned her around and had her sit between his legs. He washed her hair, running his hand down her neck and back. She stifled a moan and forced herself to sit straight.

"Come," he said, and he led her to a deeper part of the springs. "Lean back." She put her head back and he combed the knots out of her hair, his eyes looking down into hers, never straying. When he was done he led her back to the rocks and sat beside her, not looking at her.

"I'm sorry, my Lord," she said. Her form had disgusted him.

"Why?"

"For being ugly."

"Rin, you are not ugly." He still wouldn't look at her.

"I must be; you detest humans; how can I not-"

"You are not ugly," he said, finally looking at her.

She could see he meant it. She wasn't ugly? How could she not be ugly to her Lord? He hated humans. She felt a fluttering in her stomach as she watched his eyes travel down her body, his demon eyes seeing beneath the water, seeing her private places. She stood and let him look; he turned her gently, touching her lightly on her waist until she was again facing him.

"You could never be ugly," he whispered, his voice deep.

Oh god, she was standing before her Lord, naked, and he admired her. It was as if she was dreaming. Could it be that her Lord was actually reading her thoughts and just playing with her? No, he was not cruel. First he held her hand, and then he admired her body. If this was all he gave her, she would die happy.

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Sesshomaru watched as her eyes darkened. He could smell her arousal, but he wouldn't take her, not here, not now. He turned away from her and stood, his hair covering his body. "Come, Rin," he said, and he dressed, keeping his back to her as she dressed. He walked to the campsite, got a fire going, and caught something for her to eat.

He wasn't sure what had overcome him this afternoon when he had taken her hand. All he knew was that he had done it and could not stop himself. He didn't understand her tears; she hadn't appeared to understand them either, so he let it go. She harbored—he knew—a secret desire to know him better, to have him love her as no man would be allowed to, and until she ran away, he let her keep her secret.

But now, now he wouldn't let her keep it. He would give her exactly what she wanted—in his time. He couldn't lose her again, couldn't let his pride get in the way anymore, now that he knew she still loved him. He had promised himself that if she could still love him after his complete failure to protect her, he would let his pride go, let himself love her as he should have before this catastrophe.

His brother's pup was gone. Guilt built up over the passed couple days; was there really nothing he could have done? He made quite the show of rationalizing everything, but he felt the pain Inuyasha and the miko felt, deep but hidden. Rin blamed herself, but she was powerless; he was the great Sesshomaru, and in the end, he had been powerless as well. The miko had chosen her mate over the child, and that said something about humans and their capacity to cope. Would the loss of Inuyasha be greater than the loss of another girl child? If the child had been a boy, would the miko have still risked the baby's life to save her mate's? If his Rin were put in the same position, would she do the same thing?

He growled. His Rin would never be put in that position; he would make sure of that.

"My Lord?" she said, looking at him.

He blinked. "Rin."

"Are you all right?" she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"I am fine. We should sleep."

He got up and circled the camp a few times, satisfied that they were a sufficient distance from any demons that might come lurking at night. He lay down and beckoned Rin to him. She came shyly, looking at him from beneath her lashes. He pulled her down on his body and listened as her breathing steadied and she slept.

"Sesshomaru," she murmured in her sleep, and she tugged at his hakama.

He held her tighter, nuzzling her hair, kissing her lightly on the head. "Rin."

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Inuyasha watched as Kagome retreated into a dark place in her mind. She had barely spoken since they lost the baby; even Izayoi couldn't get her to come out of her shell. It had been two days; the pain was still fresh. They set up a small marker next to his mother's, and it read, Kikyo. It seemed that even the very name—Kikyo—was cursed. They had agreed that if it was a girl, she would be named Kikyo.

Before Kikyo had died Kagome had once again gone through a trial by fire and had succeeded in saving Kikyo's soul, but not her body, and the two women had parted on better terms. Kagome had given him time to deal with Kikyo's death and they had moved on. With the second child on the way, she had suggested they name her Kikyo, in honor of his first love and her previous incarnation.

He pulled her to his chest and smoothed her hair. He rocked her gently and sang.

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

She cried. "I'm sorry."

"Shh, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have gone out; I should have stayed home," he said.

"You didn't know-"

"And neither did you," he replied.

"Oh god, if Rin hadn't been there-"

"But she was, and Sesshomaru came and brought me back to life, so you don't have to go over that scenario anymore."

"If he hadn't come-"

"But he did," he said, shaking her and looking her in the eye. "He came and saved me."

"The baby!" she wailed.

Tears coursed down his cheeks. "Even Sesshomaru couldn't have saved the baby."

"I chose you over the baby!"

He held her. "I know, I know." He rocked her again. "We'll be okay."

"Did I not love her enough?" she whispered, her face against his chest.

"Of course you love her; if you could make the choice again, would you do the same?"

She paused, the whispered, "yes."

"I will never put you in that position again."

She looked up at him, her eyes bleary and red. "Promise me."

"I promise," he said softly and kissed her.

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R & R. Lyrics from KT Tunstall's "Heal Over."

There had been no plan to kill the baby; it's how the story evolved. I have plotted nothing since I started this story, so everything just comes about in its own way. There will be—as far as I can tell—no more deaths.