For vampire, I remembered a lot about my human life, my first life. Carrying the pain of my first life with me through the change was another level of torture. It was something that still bit at my soul like a shark chomping hard on its prey. The shark was unforgiving and unyielding. For all that I remembered though, I didn't remember what it was like to sleep. Here, in this void, was this sleep? I thought I would've dreamt, but this was pure nothingness. An endless blackness.
I had to actively remember who I was and who I belonged to. Emmett.
"Yeah?" His deep voice surged through the void and I latched onto it, willing myself to the surface.
My eyes peeled open and found myself horizontal on the king plus bed. I searched for the origin of the sound. "What's the matter, babe?" I whispered.
Emmett looked haggard, but despite this, he scoffed. "Really?"
"Logan…" I heard a feminine voice whisper. "I…" I shifted to meet Rosalie's golden eyes. They were full of remorse, which for Rose, was a complete change from her usual demeanor. It was almost annoying. I couldn't look at her though I was so embarrassed. Instead, I trained myself on Emmett again. Hopefully, he would understand what I wanted.
He clearly didn't because he made no motion to prevent Rosalie from sitting in the bed. She tried to rub my back. It was then I noticed the tears were still there. I felt like a chew toy, all ripped and torn. My shoulders and hip ached. It was a painful reminder of what had just happened and it singed my spirit. What the hell was happening?
"Get out," I whispered quietly, more quietly than I intended. I concentrated as hard as I could and repeated myself. I didn't know if words even came out. I was in such a fog.
"Please, Logan, Carlisle is fetching you some blood. If I could just stay with you…" Rosalie couldn't finish her words.
"He said get out," Emmett sneered matter of factly. "Go."
Rosalie bit her lower lip, but dashed from the room.
Emmett closed the door behind her and turned to face me. He winced.
"What's happening to me?" I barely stuttered out.
He scooped me up in his burgeoning arms and held me together by sheer force of love.
"How long was I out?" I asked, turning into his chest. I rubbed my forehead against the soft cotton of his shirt, the bulging muscle beneath reminded me that Emmett had me. I reveled in his strength and sweet scent. He was safe.
Emmett shifted his weight to his other leg with unease. "Three minutes, 16 seconds, and 3.4 milisec…" His voice trailed off and I became terrified in the silence. He lifted my wrist up and my eyes fell on to the object his interest. My hand. It was fading into nothingness the way boiling water evaporates from a pot.
I started to hyperventilate. "Emmett! EMMETT!"
The bedroom busted inward, and Rosalie and Seth filed in.
"Oh my God!" Seth stammered, covering his mouth.
"Blood!" Rosalie announced. "He needs blood."
"Right," Emmett agreed. He gingerly carried me out of the house and into the woods. I was having a hard time focusing on where I was. My senses seemed to lag behind what was actually happening. I remembered the amber leaves of fall; the cool, salty smell of the ocean—the entire island smelled of the ocean though. I heard Carlisle's voice and Edward's too. More leaves, more sea.
"Emmett, I'm scared," I whispered. In the twelve years that I had known Emmett, been his mate, I had never been scared. Even when the Volturi hoard was upon us, I was too stubborn to think we wouldn't survive. But now, I was scared. I was scared until that a scent hit me like a brick wall. My senses refocused like the flip of a switch and before me was a gigantic black bear that Emmett had pinned down for me. I crawled weakly across the mossy forest floor—when had I been placed here?—and concentrated on the gash in the bear's neck. The blood spoke to me, but I needed to change it first.
"What are you waiting for, son?" Carlisle asked, worry coloring his voice. For all that he had seen and experienced, the worry in his voice terrified me more than my actual predicament.
From the corner of my eye, Edward cocked his head to the side, his trademark sign that he was reading my mind. "He's changing the molecular structure of the blood to taste like a human."
My brain was in a fog. I had done this a thousand of times! Pulling the memory of the tastiest human I had ever had—my singer—to the center of my mind was the key in changing this nasty animal blood. I hissed in frustration. "Tofu, my ass."
"You have to drink, Logan!" Emmett commanded. "Stop with the fucking human shit! Drink!" I glared at Emmett with a hatred that I never had given him before. He didn't shy away from me though, but rather returned my angry glare. The bear roared in protest and I noticed the gash was starting to dry up, the blood coagulating into a scab.
"No!" I roared. "Mine!" I pushed all other things out of my head, my torn body, my weakness, and my embarrassment. I pushed out my family, Seth and Al, and even Emmett. The human's blood came into a sharp focus like a scientist giving a minute adjustment to a microscope. The bear blood was human now.
I devoured all of the blood. It was succulent, warm, and invigorating. When its veins ran dry, I found myself slicing across its furred body with my razor sharp nails in a vain attempt to find any pockets of pooled blood. I needed more of it! I must've looked like a newborn. I must've looked like Allison.
Carlisle pulled me from the carcass and I sat on my knees. I could feel the power of the blood surge through my skin and body, revitalizing me. I glanced at my hand and it had reappeared. What the hell was that anyways? Even as the wounds sealed themselves, I knew the repair job needed additional glue. I needed more blood. At least I knew what would fix me. But how long would it last?
I scented the air for a half second before I found my next prey. Another bear. Before Emmett or Carlisle, or even Edward could stop me, I had demolished the bear, a male and then two others—a mother and her cub. The energy was intoxicating to say the least and I thought of bathing in it. It was sick, I knew.
"Okay, stop!" Emmett yelled as I ripped the cub's leg off.
"More!" I stammered.
Edward glanced at Carlisle. "Okay," Carlisle agreed. "No young though. Remember: the sick, old, and males." He stared deep into my eyes searching for any sign of agreement.
I didn't know if I could control myself at this point, but I nodded and rushed away as fast as my rejuvenated legs could take me. I had no idea of where I was in the forest or how close the nearest town was let alone any unsuspecting humans. Usually, I was good at that in a diligent effort to not hunt people. I'd probable slit a human's throat if I came across one at this point. This was bad. Gluttony was a sin, but I was way past that. Another bear—a male this time, three deer, and a badger later—yes, a badger—I found my fill. I felt all sloshy and bloated, and I briefly wondered where all that blood went. It wasn't like we expelled the remnants of our food like humans did.
I peered around my surroundings. I was in a small valley near a creek. The sun was setting over the ridge and the sound of the late fall nightlife was steadily rising in decibel. I walked to the creek and got a full picture of my state. My clothing and body were gunked over in blood and entrails. As I picked what looked like a small intestine from my hair, I winced. "Ew," I muttered aloud kicking myself for being so messy. This wasn't me.
"I've seen worse." Emmett's voice came from behind me. As I swung around to face him, he grabbed my hands into his own and held them at our sides. "Are you alright?" He swallowed hard fearing my answer.
I took a second to do a self-diagnostic of my state. The tears were gone and I felt mostly functional. "At this point, my head's the thing you ought worry about. Needless to say, that's never happened before."
Emmett eyed me seriously. "Uh, yeah…"
Edward and Carlisle came out of the woods. "We took care of the carcasses," Carlisle informed. "Even the badger one."
"Didn't know you had a thing for badger blood, babe?" Emmett grinned.
I had the sudden urge to slap that grin off his face, but I was more impressed that I had had that thought at all—I must've been getting back to normal.
"Here," Edward said, throwing a bag over to me. "I ran home in between your third and fourth courses." I studied Edward carefully. Was he trying to be funny? If it were at any other time, I would've laughed or even smiled. I opened the bag and found a change of clothes and some soap.
"If you'll excuse me…" I muttered. I followed the creek down into the valley until I found a large enough pool to submerge myself completely. Quickly scrubbing the blood away from my body, I felt around for where my tears had been. The skin had completely sealed. Only thin silvery scars remained, tracing along where the tears had been. I was sliding my finger across the scar on my hip when Emmett came out of the woods.
"Are you rea…" Emmett cut himself off. He gritted his teeth with an audible snap. "We're ready to go back when you are." I nodded and finished bathing. After dressing in a plain pair of jeans, steel-toed boots, and a gray hoodie, I shoved my bloodied outfit into the bag. Flinging it high into the air, I raised my hand high into the air and focused on the bag.
As the bag disintegrated into a fine dust, a pain shot up my back and blasted into my head. I winced, but Emmett was watching dust shower and didn't notice. The pain reminded me of when my human Dad and I were moving an old gym set into the basement of our house. I had lifted a box incorrectly—with my back and not my knees. That back pain had me laid up for two days. Here, the pain subsided as fast as it had come, but it was still concerning. Vampires didn't feel pain like that. I mean unless someone was dismembering you and I guess I unfortunately knew what that felt like now.
The dust shower fell into the tall grasses on the far side of the creek. "Fertilizer," I quipped.
When we got back to the house, the entire family was seated in the living room. Nobody moved when I came through the door and if it hadn't been for Ness, Jake, and Seth's heartbeats, I would've thought the room had been filled with statues. No sooner had I come in did Carlisle drag me up to his study. He wanted to give me a physical examination.
"I'm a vampire, Carlisle." I sounded like a whiny child. "Aren't physicals for your human patients?" To be honest, I didn't want to discuss the issue right now. It terrified me too much. Facing one's potential mortality when one had already accepted that he was immortal was daunting to say the least.
I followed Carlisle into his study and he closed the door. "You're a patient nonetheless. Take a seat." I nodded. "How did this start?" I didn't know how it started or even what happened exactly, so I recapped the week from my perspective. Changing Al, annoying Rose being annoying, school, my Mustang—that whole bit. Carlisle gritted his teeth when he heard about the tearing in my flesh.
"Yeah, gruesome," I agreed.
Carlisle rubbed his chin for moment and mused whether Eleazar should come and visit. To my look of confusion, Carlisle continued. "There is some connection between the use of your ability and your predicament. Probably a huge correlation actually and Eleazar has helped you with your ability before. We have to find out why the use of your ability literally tears you up. Otherwise, you can't use it. You'd probably kill yourself. And then there is the issue of the disappearing hand…"
"Yeah, what was that, doc?" Emmett waltzed through the study room door and sat next to me.
I rubbed the palm of my reappeared hand with my fingers. It felt entirely there, but I couldn't remember if I could feel it when it disappeared. "Maybe I can turn myself invisible too?"
"That's entirely possible, Logan," Carlisle agreed. "Fundamentally, your ability is the control of the organization of atoms and molecules. I saw you destroy that bag earlier. That, for example, was you causing the molecular bonds holding the fabric together to detach." This I knew. I had always had a fondness for chemistry and physics because I had a unique perspective on the whole matter. What I didn't know—and thus scared me—was where my limits existed. The tearing of my flesh, the destruction of my body was not a price I was willing to pay to use my ability.
"What should I do about my appearance? Everyone is used to what I look like now." My skin had a deep, rich tan to it, as if the sun had graced me with its rays without the dangers of sunburn or cancer. My eyes were a pristine, ocean blue; something I was always proud of. Once, when Emmett and I were on a fishing trip in the Mediterranean, he commented my eyes were as blue as the sun-drenched sea. I was not a vain person, but when Emmett paid me a compliment like that, I did my best to keep doing what I was doing. Would I have to let my red eyes show? Animal blood never to caused my red eyes to change to the color of Emmett's. In sum, my appearance cost me. It took a constant effort to change my skin pigment and eye color. It was an easy effort though, one that I mastered early in my second life. It was like constantly holding a hand clenched. Try it sometime.
"You have to go to school," Emmett cautioned. "And the funeral." The funeral. Allison was downstairs with the rest of my family. I had been too caught up in my own life today that I hadn't talked to her about this. How was she doing?
"Worry about yourself today," Edward directed from the living room. The amazing part of having a mind scanner and vampire with impeccable hearing all wrapped up in one brother was that he knew exactly what to say, most of the time anyways.
Ignoring whatever Edward was trying to get at, Carlisle sat at his desk and smoothed out some paperwork. I could see the worry in his actions. "I think the best course of action is to invite Eleazar down, for you to keep your appearance as it stands, and to refrain from using your ability otherwise. And you should hunt every day from here on out."
"Every day?" I wasn't a nomad anymore and returning to the unending hunt was like actively returning to an addiction rather than falling back into one.
Emmett lifted my hand to his lips. "I'll go with you." A shiver ran down my spine and into my gut. My pants felt tight.
Carlisle raised an incredulous eyebrow. "And no…" he hesitated… "sexual relations. You can't afford to exert yourself in any manner whatsoever." The silence in the room, and in the house for that matter, was absolute and unending.
Emmett eyed Carlisle suspiciously. "What do you mean when you say, 'relations,' exactly?"
I rose to my feet. "Nope, I got it. Er. I mean, we got it, Carlisle! Yep, we're done here, right?" I tried to pull Emmett from the room. He wouldn't back down though.
"Why not?" Emmett asked, sounding like a five year old.
Carlisle looked as equally as uncomfortable as I was. Talking about this was like getting the sex talk from one's parents, and it's still awkward even if we're all adults. Carlisle tapped his index finger on his desk. "Any exertion is a ticking time bomb, Emmett."
"What he means to say," I interjected, "is that you don't want my arm to fall off, again, right?" Emmett winced at that and I felt terrible for throwing him back into the memories of my body coming a part.
"When do you think Elezar can get here?" Emmett asked.
"I will call him now," Carlisle replied.
I motioned to the door and Emmett followed. Just down the hall was our bedroom and I dragged him inside. The bedspread was all disheveled from my rapid departure so I smoothed it out and stuck the pillows back where they needed to go. It was nice to do something totally asinine in the scheme of my life events. I started to readjust the picture frames on the wall when Emmett came up behind me and grabbed for my hand.
I had forgotten he was in the room. It should go without saying that that never happens. Something was horribly wrong.
Emmett kicked the door closed, sealing him and I off from the prying ears of our supernatural brethren. The soundproofing was pretty thick. Whoever wanted to listen in would've had to press their ear against the door. And I have enough trust in my family to know they will steer clear of this room tonight. Tomorrow would be a new day and whatever come, I had to get my act together, however I could do it.
Emmett pulled me into his strong embrace. He was a bigger guy than I, but was no small twink either. He had three inches on me in height and his shoulders were wider than mine. Whatever. He was mine and I would not want him any other way. He held me tightly and I nuzzled my face into the side of his neck. I could smell the rainwater from the cloudburst we ran through on our way home.
"Em…" I whispered softly, caressing his forearms. I refused to meet his eyes. I was terrified what was in them and I couldn't face his fear too. Not right now.
"Whatever it is…" he stated in his unwavering and sure voice. It edged on arrogance, but not completely. Not in this moment. It was more faith.
"Still," I choked out. "I'm scared." I chanced a glance upward. Emmett's brilliant eyes were like two small suns in the darkened room. He tightened his hold on me and then let go, waving me over towards our bed. He sat atop it with me between his legs. He lifted my foot and removed the boot, and did the same to my other foot. Slowly, all my clothing came off and I was stark naked before my mate. I would be lying if I said that salacious thoughts weren't creeping through my head. Emmett tore his clothes off in the fraction it took him to undress me. As I pulled the covers over us, I sunk into his chest again. Lying on our sides, our legs entangled themselves.
I wept the rest of the night. No tears fell, they never would, but Emmett just kept repeating, "I have you. I have you."