I don't own SGU. That stands for Super Groovy Unicorns. All my unicorns are pretty mundane - they aren't down with anything. Shhh. Don't tell them I said.

—Darkness—

Director: Allow us to use clever video interviews to introduce you to more characters on this ship that are actually important, and probably won't die. Or probably will.

Audience: You toy with our emotions, sir.

Col. Young: It takes a lot of training to use a rifle as a cane. Don't try this at home.

Audience: Your cane design might literally backfire.

Rush: ALL OUR POWER IS GONE!

Col. Young: How was I supposed to know that?

Rush: I used my telepathic powers to convey that information to the crew.

Col. Young: Rush, you don't HAVE telepathic powers.

Rush: I DO, it must be that nobody's mind has enough capacity to receive my signals.

Col. Young: Do you need any help? You seem like you need help.

Rush: NO. YES. WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

Col. Young: I'll send someone to help you.

Rush: No.

Col. Young: I'll send Volker.

Rush: NO!

Volker: Hey.

Rush: GO AWAY

Volker: Ok. (sigh).

Rush: WHY IS EVERYONE SO USELESS EXCEPT FOR ME?

Everyone: Don't be bitter. We have just been through a traumatic event. We wanted to chillax.

Rush: NO CHILLAXING UNTIL I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Everyone: I think that might be a long time from now…. but ok, we will help.

Rush: STOP IT - NOW YOU'RE BREAKING EVERYTHING!

Everyone: Jesus Christ, make up your mind!

Rush: (collapses)

Everyone: Dude…

Col. Young: That guy is a lot of work. MEDIC!

TJ: It seems you are suffering from severe withdrawal from both caffeine and nicotine. This condition is only exacerbated by the fact you are a complete jerk.

Audience: OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO STOP GOING TO STARBUCKS…OR…OR GO MORE OFTEN!

(POWER SHUTS OFF)

Col. Young: Well, looks like we're gonna die. I'm out.

—-

(Col. a COMMUNICATION STONE to go to EARTH)

Audience: Those are some really advanced Ouiji Board triangles.

Col. Young: Even when I'm about to die of asphyxiation billions of light years away, I have to file a report. God, I love being in the military.

(Goes to visit EMILY, his estranged wife)

Col. Young: (catches reflection) Whoa. I look like Lou Diamond Phillips.

(knocks on door)

Emily: Lou Diamond Philips!?

Col. Young: No, baby, it's me - Snuggle Muffins.

Emily: oh. Are you here to tell me you're going to die?

Col. Young: …no?

Emily: Are you lying?

Col. Young: No!

Emily: Liar, liar, pants on fire. Go away.

Col. Young:(disappoint) I really thought talking to my estranged wife whom I cheated on then left would have gone much better. This sucks. I'd rather die in space.

(returns to ship)

—-

(later, on shuttle)

Rush: Hey, idiots.

Col. Young: We're going to sling shot around this planet, which will put us in the general vicinity of some places we might be able to live. We think we can get there before Destiny dies.

Rush: (sits in Captain's Chair) Just let everyone know there will be severe turbulence as we go through the gas giant.

(TJ, Col. YOUNG, SCOTT snicker)

Rush: What!?

Scott: Nothing.

(Ship goes around planet, there is SEVERE TURBULENCE. A cup of water trembles precariously on the ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT)

Audience: Who left a cup of water on the console? Look at that thing vibrate… there must be like 18 T-Rexs nearby.

(DESTINY goes through the GAS GIANT atmosphere successfully.)

Everyone: Yeay! It worked!

Rush: Not quite…

(DESTINY is now pointed DIRECTLY into the SUN)

Audience: You definitely can't live there.

—-Light—-

Col. Young: Our ship is going to sink… into the sun. There may be a planet in range we can survive on, BUT we only have enough lifeboats for 17. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

Eli: I am going to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this.

Col. Young: We're going to have a lottery to see who gets a place in the lifeboats, and who stays. Go forth, and have poignant moments.

—-

(SCOTT and CHLOE have slow motion tantric sex)

—-

(ELI picks up a kino and looks at it)

Eli: It looks just like the baseball I used when I never played catch with my father.

—

Col. Young: Alright. Is everyone ready?

Everyone: Yes.

Col. Young: (pulls paper out of a case) The names of the people who will have a place on the lifeboat are… Josh Hamilton, Mike Trout, Buster Posey… oh, wait. You know what? That's actually my Fantasy Baseball team list.

Everyone: …..

Col. Young: Sorry. (roots around in case) Here we go. Eli, Chloe, Dr. Rush, Sgt. Greer —- you are among those who will NOT be going.

Everyone: You have GOT to be kidding!

Col. Young: This is in case someone tried to fix the lottery and get their name picked.

Everyone: …..

Col. Young: Preventative Measures. It's clever, see?

—

(later, on observation deck, looking out at the sun)

Col. Young: Well, we only have a few hours, and the sun is getting awfully big in the window. I feel good. What's everyone got planned? Besides screaming and dying?

Rush: I don't think we even have a few hours. Which is fine. I'm going to be reading a Dean Koontz novel, and his endings usually disappoint me anyways.

Chloe: What will it feel like?

Rush: The heart and internal organs to melt and explode, your blood will boil in your veins. Skin will suffer immediate - I dunno, like - 10th degree burns instantaneously. Your feet will melt to the deck plating.

Chloe: …

Rush: And if you're lucky, it will be in that order.

Col. Young: Well, I think it's time we all go our seperate ways and have some more poignant moments, what do you say?

Everyone: Yes, definitely.

—

Rush: (finishes book and throws it down) You have disappointed me for the last time, Dean Koontz. I had hoped the sun would kill me before I finished this.

(goes to look at a thing, seems very happy for the first time since the show started, then runs back to observation deck)

Eli: Hey, Rush.

(Rush throws back his head and LAUGHS)

Eli: Are you ok?

Rush: Oh, I was just remembering a line from "Airplane". Also… turns out we aren't going to die after all.

Chloe: Really!?

Rush: Do you remember all that stuff I said about your blood boiling, feet melting to the floor, and heart exploding?

Chloe: Yes….

Rush: Well, forget about it.

Chloe: I don't think I'll ever forget.

Rush: It's not going to happen. Right THIS moment. I mean…As A Scientist, I can't rule out any potential future happenings…

Eli: Rush!

Rush: Point is, the ship is actually using the sun to recharge the batteries, and power was dying because it was taking all the reserves to put into the shields… (looks up at clock) and it looks like we'll be jumping to FTL in about 20 minutes.

Col. Young: We have to get the people on the lifeboats back here.

Rush: Easier said than done, but I am brilliant, and you're all here. We can probably figure out something…

(THEY DO)

Audience: We knew, deep down they were all going to be saved. We are no newcomers to prime time television - but it would have been pretty ballsy to kill half your cast.

Col. Young: Good job Rush! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? (rubs Rush's head)

Rush: WHOA. I have about 20 feet of personal space in which you are in severe violation of. I'm going to make you regret that.

—

(everyone is celebrating)

Rush: I heard there was a party to crash.

Col. Young: Hey, Dr. Rush! You were such a good boy, earlier - you get a biscuit!

Rush: I don't WANT a biscuit. Those biscuits are awful.

Col. Young: But you did such a good job. And you were willing to stay on the ship when you thought we were going to die and melt and explode…

Rush: ::SUPER SHIFTY EYES::

Col. Young: Right? You thought we were going to die?

Rush: I gotta go.

Col. Young: I am so suspicious of you, now.

Audience: Oh come ON. You two were just starting to get along. This is bullshit.