I don't own SGU, which I pronounce "Ssssgoooo". No one ever knows what I'm talking about. They aren't real fans.

—-WATER—

Audience: Air, Darkness, Light, Water…? With one more episode you should be able to summon Captain Planet to save you.

Col. Young: We need to get home.

Rush: Well, that's really complicated…

Col. Young: Just do it. Do it now. Do it now. Doitnow. Doitnow. DoitnowDoitnowDoitnow.

Audience: God, that is so unhelpful, can't you see he's doing his best?

Rush: I hate you with every fiber of my being.

Audience: Also unhelpful!

Col: Young: AND 40,000 gallons of water disappeared and I blame you. With my eyes.

Rush: What! What do you think I did with that much water? Put it down my pants?

Audience: LET'S FIND OUT!

Col. Young: Whatever…Eli, I need you to come help me spy on the crew.

Eli: Er…. ok

—(IN SUPER SECRET SPY ALCOVE)—-

Volker and Franklin (on camera): This lack of water is a conspiracy. We blame the government. That's right, camera. We said it.

Col. Young: Volker and that guy who reminds me vaguely of Nathan Lane are harmless.

Eli: You know it's really hard to spy on people with a giant sphere camera that floats around at eye level.

Col. Young: Just do it. DoitnowDoitnowDoitnowDoitnow…

Eli: Ok! Jesus. We have got to work on your management style.

—-

Rush: We found a planet that might have some water in range, only the atmosphere is pure poison - but I'm sure the water will be fine.

Col. Young: Luckily, the fraction of the ship we have access to included spacesuits. I'm going to go help haul the tons of ice despite the fact I am in dubious physical condition and arguably a very important member of the crew.

Rush: Break a leg.

Col. Young: That only means good luck when you say it to someone going on stage.

Rush: I know.

—-

(Meanwhile, Sgt. GREER is searching every person's room for the missing 40,000 gallons of water.)

Audience: This is highly illogical!

—-

TJ: I was in the hallway when some aliens shaped like sand came up to me and formed an image of my face. I think they were trying to communicate.

Audience: DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON.

TJ: They sound like the aliens said he saw on the desert planet.

Eli: That might explain why the planet we found them on WAS A DESERT.

TJ: I'll just tell everyone to remain in their rooms.

—-

(flash to soldier who is NOT IN HIS ROOM)

(Soldier sees ALIEN SAND CLOUD. Soldier shoots at ALIEN SAND CLOUD)

Audience: Oh, that's brilliant. Make sure you aim for it's heart, dumbass.

(Soldier is ATTACKED and DIES HORRIBLY)

Audience: He wasn't even wearing a red shirt!

—-

(on the planet)

Col. Young: Looks like we're done here! Whatever you do, don't fall through a hole in the ground.

(Lt. SCOTT FALLS THROUGH A HOLE IN THE GROUND)

Col. Young: WHAT did I just say?

Scott: Sorry, sir.

Col. Young: Get out of that hole! DoitnowDoitnowDoitnow.

Scott: It's not working, sir.

Col. Young: Damn. Let me call the ship and see if they have any ideas. Destiny - Hello?

Rush: Here I am.

Col. Young: Lt. Scott is stuck in a hole and my management can't get him out. Do you have any suggestions?

Rush: You should leave him down there.

Col. Young: How can you say that?

Rush: If you keep trying to rescue Lt. Scott you might run out of time and not get back…. You know what? I changed my mind… new plan, Colonel. Take as much time as you want trying to rescue Scott.

Col. Young: I was already going to! Col. Young OUT.

Scott: What did they say?

Col. Young: Umm… to just hang out.

Scott: Very funny, Sir.

Col. Young: No pun intended

(EARTHQUAKE happens, and Scott is FREE. Col. Young pulls him out with a rope)

Audience: Convenient!

Col. Young: You're saved! It's a Christmas miracle!

Audience: We weren't really that concerned.

—

Eli: Right, well, what do we do about the ALIENS?

TJ: I have an idea. They want water, so lets give them water…

(TJ is in the hallway with a barrel of water, holding a LID poised to SEAL the BARREL)

Aliens: Hey, it's face girl! This seems legit. (GETS IN BARREL)

(TJ LOCKS the barrel with The CLUB and everyone throws it through the Stargate)

Aliens: Oh shit, a whole new planet of ice whose ecosystem we can totally wreck? AWESOME. Sorry about that dude we killed. Peace out! (flies away)

Audience: It's ok, we don't even remember his name.