Chapter 15
The Broomstick Boys got told the full story of the beginning of the marauders; and about the fates of its original members.
"There's a rock opera in there" said Nils.
"And I'll ask you not to let the idea come to fruit" said Severus "Not for my sake though I would find my repellent younger self a trifle embarrassing; but for a number of other people. Harry knows that his father was not always the nicest; he's come to terms with it as James has admitted he was a little thoughtless; but it's still not that nice. Padfoot has children; do they want to grow up with their dad as only an equivocal hero, coming good in the end, but still with some murky moments? And most important, Peter Pettigrew is a damaged beastie, and I implore you not to hurt the poor little sod any more when he's settled down to gentle obscurity as a pensioner of Hogwarts school, having come to terms with having been raped by a female rat while he hid in that form to the result that he has a daughter who's a manimagus. Peter has had enough to cope with."
"You're right; sorry" said Nils. "We might be inspired by the themes though; then if there are references only those in the know understand it will be our private blood-joke."
Severus nodded.
"That's acceptable enough" he said.
The boys were still bubbling over from belonging to the blood group with all the enthusiasm of small boys; and Severus hoped they would always retain that zest for life. He, after all, had needed to learn it, initially from Krait; and then from his children, adopted and natural. And having the stern visage on the outside that was necessary to a headmaster put a curb on too much boyishness.
He kept that for weekends with Lucius and do-you-remember sessions with the original few members of the group.
oOoOo
Eve Cherrytree meanwhile recalled that she owed the marauders an ill favour; mostly for existing. And there were Marauders in the first year who could be used to get at their older counterparts if they were only made as miserable as such horrid brats deserved to be. And one of them was even the half-breed's brother; that would teach Roseli Accola to go sneaking round Blaise Paddock so he took her to the ball!
It took Eve a little while to come up with a plan to hurt the Ubiquitous Marauders without immediately having the Bee Marauders on her back; and the idea she had was, she felt sure, brilliant in its subtlety and cleverness.
She got her pen and paper and started writing.
When each of the marauders got a letter next morning and opened it and made expressions of shock and distaste, Eve smiled to herself.
The six youngsters exchanged glances; and Zhenga rose.
"Excuse me sir; but am I correct in thinking that poison pen letters are considered rather more than common if unpleasant japes and the reporting of them is no sneaking – even f we knew the author which we do not?"
"The writing of poison pen letters is a criminal offence" said Severus "And as each of you seem to have received letters by owls I recognise as school owls that rather suggests that the culprit is amongst us. I strongly suggest that whoever has done this comes to my office by Kaffee und Kuchen in order to confess and to make explanation as to why they feel a criminal action to be reasonable. You six are excused your first lesson; we'll go over the letters in my office."
"Oh that's all right sir; it's only prep" said Fyra "We shan't miss anything; only please may we have a dispensation because we've not all finished using 'Transfigurations today' because it had an article relevant to our prep and we were taking turns."
"I'm sure Madam Malfoy will be lenient if you're being industrious enough to quote from learned magazines not merely your textbooks" said Severus.
"Commendable industry" said Krait "I know the article you mean; I'll extend the deadline until tomorrow after school; will that suffice?"
"Yes thank you Madam Malfoy" said Fyra.
oOoOo
The children convened in Severus' office.
"All right; let me see them" he said.
A quick glance was enough to show him that these letters were more than any childish prank but designed to bring distress; and his eyebrows went up.
"Well!" he said "Nastier than I was expecting from the level of enemy I might have expected any one of you to have collected so far."
"Please, Severus, I don't think any of us has MADE any enemies" said Wilhelm "We sort of antagonised Jöran at first, well antagonised him back because he was a prune; but we get on fine well with him now. And the second are quite convivial and we haven't even had any tensions in the common room let alone quarrels; and nobody higher up the school would want to do this, would they? It's sort of below the dignity of anyone with pretensions to civilisation. Besides the only person I think we might have pissed off is Antti, and if the fourth thought they ought to do us over on his behalf they'd just duff us up a little bit I think, and he isn't clever enough to spell all those words."
Severus sighed.
"I should congratulate you on your grasp of colloquial English, Wilhelm, were I not disappointed to hear that your colloquial acquisitions tend to the less savoury like 'to piss off' and 'to do over' and 'to duff up'.
Wilhelm grinned.
"I assure you I have shared the German equivalents with my non German comrades!" he said.
"That's what I was afraid of" said Severus. "These letters are too…..one hesitates to use the word sophisticated….. too carefully crafted for me to even consider a first or second year. Siegfried might be capable of such periods of casuistry; but Siegfried is your blood brother and would not consider doing something that would cause such hurt as we all felt from you. You will have noticed however that the writer is full of conjecture not fact; and the crude innuendoes ridiculous to anyone who knows your background. Especially the laughable one to Zhenga saying that your father is not your real father and that you were sired by a goblin; which of course is true but obviously the perpetrator is convinced that you think of Ihor Rebet as your real father – as is only right and proper since he has BEEN a proper father to you – and seeks to make you question your origins. The nasty comment that your hair indicates that you'll be a scarlet woman like your mother is more offensive. Fyra, a nasty suggestion that you are so good at Arithmancy because you're planning on being a thief like your people and will need the geomancy you're so proud of to escape from gaol. What the writer means by 'your people' I'm not quite sure; she has got the idea perhaps you have a thief in the family? It's usually a female who writes these things" he added.
"Sir, she means goblins" said Fyra "A lot of people – in Germany anyway – equate goblins with thieving."
"Dear me" said Severus "And I thought all our German children were very nice; this is disturbing."
"Because it hasn't happened before and we have a new German girl higher up the school?" asked Sirri, who was with them.
"It can't but cross the mind" said Severus.
"Oh SIR! If you mean Frieda it needn't cross your mind because she hasn't got enough crossing hers to write this stuff!" said Bruno.
"True enough" said Severus "Poor girl! Let's see what has been written about you; VERY poisonous. 'you think you can mingle with nice people but everyone knows you have those filthy habits just hidden out of sight ready to steal and make people think you're decent when you're just dirty'. Not very specific but it drips with vitriol. What have we on Wilhelm? Dear me! Not a lover of Germans any more than of goblins since apparently you ancient German families of aristocrats have vices and perversions galore and your sins will find you out and you will die screaming of incest. Somehow I don't think our poison pen is addicted to dictionary work" he added as Wilhelm chuckled. "Apparently too she has mistaken you for the ferret – I mean Von Frettchen."
"Eduard doesn't have any unnameable vices and he can't die of incest unless he and his brother do what ladies do with men" said Wilhelm. "If one could die of incest; does she think it's a disease?"
"Apparently" said Severus dryly. "Serrik?"
"Oh mine said that you do that to me and I'm shamed and loathsome" said Serrik. Severus read it, his eyes narrowed.
"Well she's heard about that" he said "Still a little hazy and vague but it's a practice she has heard of. Alrik, what has this silly and nasty creature written to you?"
"That I'm filth and the child of filthy German criminals who are being arrested at this moment" said Alrik "Which would have worried me no end if my family wasn't in the capable care of Jade who's just not going to let it happen."
"You're all good sensible children to take it so well; and sensible too to bring it to me straight away instead of burning the letters as the rubbish they obviously are" said Severus. "Such things are written usually by very disturbed young girls or particularly spiteful and vindictive ones; and if there is nothing you can think of that might make someone feel vindictive, then I lean to the first view. We'll give her the chance to own up; and then I shall, if I do not get a confession, use these letters for a ritual of finding, a simple matter. I want you to leave it in my hands; but in the meantime, the INSTANT you get any other such letter or have a mean prank played on you, come to me. I take this very seriously."
The children curtseyed and bowed; and Zhenga hugged him.
"It's nice that you don't let anyone say 'no smoke without fire' that used to be said about nasty rumours where ma and me lived" she said.
"I have taught potions for far too many years to fail to realise that some of our dimmer brethren can produce choking smoke without fire; equally fire without smoke; and sundry explosions in between" said Severus. "You have ten minutes prep left unless anyone needs extra reassurance; time for one person to make their references."
They hurried to the prep room to get on with it; there was nothing to worry about. Professor Snape had it in hand.
oOoOo
Kaffee und Kuchen came; and was over; and Severus had received no visitor.
He summoned his staff; and proceeded to fold the letters as paper birds, enchanting them to seek the writer; and attached a string to each and gave each string to a staff member that was NOT a relative of his. This was Byron Beckard, Freya Tuthill, Carmenta Gimlet, Hermione Granger-Weasley and Valerie Burdock.
He took one string himself.
The birds flew directly to the middle school common room; and fluttered up to Eve Cherrytree.
She backed away; and the birds lovingly followed.
"Miss Cherrytree" said Severus grimly "My office now."
"Crumbs, sir, did CHERRYTREE write poison pen letters?" said Roseli "I know she's mean enough to shrink people's clothes at them but that's really dirty!"
Eve rounded on her.
"Don't you call me dirty! You, you're nothing but a filthy little half breed whose parents are perverts fumbling around with other races; and you stole Blaise from me and made him think that snogging a half breed would be exciting and fun because it's perverse!"
"In your dreams!" said Blaise scornfully putting an arm around Roseli who had jerked back as though slapped from such venom "I was NEVER yours for anyone to steal; and I'm too young to snog girls anyway, I'm a virgin and I guess that makes you….. shutting up sir" he said as Severus cleared his throat.
"Miss Cherrytree; I see this is STILL about your oversexed attentions towards Mr Paddock" said Severus. "Now go to my office as I told you; if you have opened yourself to ridicule by your unpleasant outburst it is, I fear, your own fault. You should have obeyed me directly. WHY are you still here?"
Eve stumbled out; and Severus followed, signing to Freya and Hermione to come.
oOoOo
In his office Severus faced Eve.
"Generally" he said "Poison pen writers are found either to be young girls or middle aged women of remarkable spite; or to be making a plea for help through describing acts they have suffered. You made a big deal about the supposed sodomy of Serrik; if any cruel person has perpetrated so wicked an act on you then you have every excuse for being a little disturbed; and I WILL see to such a person being punished. You stare at me with incomprehension. Where then did you hear about this act?"
"Daddy said some goblin boys sell themselves like scarlet women because being small the men who hire them think they're like younger children and he called it sodomy and said it was disgusting; so it must be. And goblins are pretty disgusting so it must be true" said Eve.
"Eve!" said Severus sternly "Have you been at school here for three and a half years and learned NOTHING? Have you not seen that the goblins in your class are children the same as the humans, and in no wise different save in looks? Have I failed you so miserably that you can make such remarks, in the light of all you should know about this school's anti-racist policies, and sound like you believe them?"
"YOU haven't failed her, Headmaster" said Freya "Sounds like her parents have; a pretty father it is who talks about rent boys in front of his teenage daughter! And what's more leave her with a strange, half-formed and not very accurate idea of what's involved by the sound of it. This has all come to a head because of the ruddy Yule Ball and Miss Bloodsnob here not able to cope with Blaise picking on personality not blood status."
"Blunt, but I'm afraid you are correct" sighed Severus.
"I couldn't have put it in a more straightforward way myself" said Hermione with a perfectly straight face. A few years of teaching HAD given her a degree of reticence.
"Your resentment over Roseli aside – and that was the most low and vulgar speech I have ever heard in my life that you made to her – what made you attack a bunch of harmless first years?" demanded Severus.
"Because they're marauders like those stupid marauders that stick up for goblins and half breeds and pretend that they don't mind them and this lot are almost all unnatural half breeds or gobbo animals and a boy of pure blood must be some sort of pervert to want to be with them and if I could hurt them it'd hurt the other marauders and now you've SPOILT it because the marauders in my year will stop me sending more letters to the little filth!" said Eve.
"Eve" said Severus "The marauders in your year will have no say in what happens to you because you will be returning home; I can't keep a girl as spiteful and nasty as you. But listen to me very carefully. If you sit at home and send such letters to any of the children in this school I WILL call in the Aurors office; and then, I'm afraid, you WILL be going to prison. I could make this a legal matter right now; but I prefer to hope that the shock of realising that you have committed a criminal offence will make you think, and change your ways. It will however go on your school record; in case you decide to try a poison pen approach to anyone else. The evidence will be there as a previous use of the method. I strongly advise that you do NOT call Lucius Malfoy a pervert for having a goblin wife; nor his stepson for having a human fiancée. The Malfoys are extraordinarily litigious; and your father will probably be bankrupted paying your damages in addition to any legal penalties you incur. Drat the child she doesn't understand even yet!" he said.
Hermione raised Eve's chin to make her look at her.
"Listen Miss Cherrytree; you could be locked away for what you have done. Go to gaol. Be a gaolbird. Bring shame on your family because you are a criminal. You ARE a criminal. Am I getting through to you? This is NOT a jape; this is NOT a prank; this is NOT in the same order as setting the staff loos to explode with sounds of Handel's firework music and coloured stars; THIS IS SERIOUS: ARE YOU HEARING ME?"
Eve stared in shock; at last it was going in.
"Y-Yes Madam Granger" she said in a small frightened voice.
"What views you hold are your own; it is only a criminal offence to air them in a way that might cause an affray; and generally, schoolkids are more or less exempt from that, though we the staff tend to punish loudly held views that are unacceptable in civilised society" said Hermione "Like your expressed opinion on goblins, half breeds, and their parents which is just SO middle class and bourgeois. The crime was anonymous letter writing of filth. The headmaster, in his infinite mercy, is going to let you off with expulsion; and not press charges. Naturally he has no control over whether any of the parents of the children might decide to sue you. Which those of more limited means might get together to do as a class action" she added as Eve's eyes sparked with malicious triumph "Especially if Professor Rebet, Zhenga's stepfather – far off the mark you were there, you wicked girl – and Duke Eduard Von Frettchen, Wilhelm's brother-in-law decide to get involved. Heh, you took notice of that; Wilhelm's sister is a duchess. Serrik is her ward. Bruno's parents have well paid jobs; and Neric and Torik both work for Professor Snape's daughter Jade. That's the fathers of Fyra and Alrik if you haven't yet worked out goblin nomenclature. And Jade would doubtless lend them what they needed to sue you. You COULD be facing six separate law suits with damages claimed. NOW have I got your attention? I strongly suggest that you write letters of apology to each of them – signed this time – and to Roseli Accola for your obnoxious outburst; and then the Head will see about pacifying the outraged parents because he can say you have seen the error of your ways."
"And then I needn't be expelled?" said Eve.
"Yes you damn well will be expelled you obnoxious brat!" said Severus "But if you write the apologies I will persuade the parents NOT to sue you. The stuff you wrote about Wilhelm and Serrik is worth damages of around five thousand galleons each at least; and Eduard Von Frettchen would spend twice that to be sure he got it. He can be a vindictive man in defence of his family; he's like Lucius in that. And as my daughter has sponsored Fyra and Alrik, DO remember that she's also Lucius' niece. Hermione, get it out of my sight and take it to the sanatorium; and let it have writing materials. If it manages to write adequate apologies I'll keep Von Frettchen off."
"You can't call me it, I'm HUMAN!" wailed Eve.
"No Miss Cherrytree; in my book a racist is subhuman" said Severus "An it. Get out of my sight."
Eve burst into tears; and Hermione frogmarched her away unmoved. This had been festering for a while; and now the pustule had burst they might be rid of the poison.
It was simple for Hermione; but Severus buried his head in his hands.
"Sev, she wasn't one of your exam entrance students, was she?" said Freya "She's an also ran from the Cackle families."
"That's as maybe Freya; but I hate to expel any child" said Severus "But I must make a stand over such serious issues."
"The point I was trying to make, and failed to be sufficiently pedantic about it is that she comes from a family with built in bourgeois – lovely word, how like Hermione to think of it – casual racism; and that flares up when she perceives a slight from someone of a race she'd otherwise only faintly despise."
"But what has it to do with the marauders?" said Severus.
Freya shrugged.
"Because with the resentment towards Roseli she picks fault with others; the marauders – I have no doubt – gave her a good put down; perhaps one of them needles her about having caused trouble herself this year; and she remembers that Roseli has a brother in the first year marauders; I don't think she's got reasoning in there, only a load of spite and the desire for a scapegoat or several who she thinks – by reason of age – can't fight back."
"I won't say that you're wrong" said Severus.
oOoOo
"When did the staff loos explode with coloured stars and Handel's firework music? I don't recall the incident" Severus said to Hermione when she returned.
"They haven't to my knowledge; I made it up on the spur of the moment as the sort of jape most marauders would consider luridly daring" said Hermione.
Severus managed a smile.
"My dear, you HAVEN'T got too pompous to be a marauder to think of things like that; I AM glad. Let's do it to the school loos at the end of the summer term."
"Severus what ARE you like?"
"In need of light relief" said Severus dryly.
oOoOo
Eve's parents came and collected her – after she had written some rather ungracious apologies – and her father tried to bribe Severus to keep her and forget the whole incident as nobody had been hurt, at least nobody who counted.
Severus cold cocked him.
When the man came to, Severus informed him in biting terms that apart from the fact that ALL his pupils counted for him, he had persuaded the girl to do SOME damage limitations to avoid law suits from the parents and relatives of the children whose characters and names their dirty little daughter had defamed and the Duke von Frettchen and Baroness Nefrita Von Strang und Luytens were not going to take any school apology seriously if the source of the filth was still at the school contaminating their kindred and protégés.
"And if by not counting, you mean as your daughter meant those who are goblin and part goblin well I am glad to have away from my school a nasty mouthed little girl who expresses such opinions about my grandchildren!" said Severus "As my son Romulus is married to Senagra gan Konal; oh maybe in your mind she's not really a goblin because her father is part of the English aristocracy being a council member; and I have too goblin and half goblin adopted children. The likes of you and your values make me sick; I didn't fight Voldemort and kill Deatheaters and Odessa agents to listen to crap from a nice little deatheater like you; perhaps I ought to treat you like the rest of the scum I've been killing since the rise of Voldemort! Get out and take your loathsome offspring with you; and be warned that I shall warn other schools about her. She might find some like minded types in Durmstrang; you could always apply. Hellibore won't take her; I already wrote to warn him that she's a disruptive influence besides her racist views."
The Cherrytrees withdrew in a sulk.
And Severus was glad to see them go. NO more traditional Cackle brats without passing the entrance exam; and an interview to check their views. If they wanted 'naice' and 'genteel' and 'uncontaminated by original thought' they could go to Hellibore where the situation of dealing with other than humans was unlikely to arise. Unless any Hellibore family married a goblin or elf or adopted; but that was a situation for the future and it was Englebert's headache not his. Perhaps it had been unduly vindictive to let Englebert know that the girl was a troublemaker – and if Roseli had not been a half goblin doubtless Eve would STILL have enacted sly vindictive means against her to get her to give up from dancing with the boy she wanted – but there were enough ties still between the schools that it would be uncomfortable for him and Englebert both if the brat spread spite and poison. He sighed. He had never liked Eve; but she had always seemed mostly harmless. Presumably her racist thoughts had been seething within, forced down to conform and comply to keep her out of trouble, and being thwarted in her desires had just brought the whole lot bubbling to the surface and she lost control of herself completely. Well, better now than when she had a better grasp on sexual matters and could really write believable hurtful things. One might hope that now she had been apprised of the fact that anonymous letters were a criminal matter she might not try the same nasty trick again; but he very much feared that she might. Well, that was no longer his problem. He wondered what option her parents would take; they had sent her to Prince Peak on the grounds that it was a 'naice small school' so unlikely that they would try Hogwarts; besides, David knew Eve and would want to know why she had been withdrawn. And Hogwarts not only had goblins, it had a goblin head boy in Gorbrin. Well there were a number of small schools in England; but most of them only offered three or four OWLs. The girl could probably scrape a pass on DOE as she stood, though she was not up with most of the class; but then most of the class could probably scrape OWL passes. It was the point of small classes and bright pupils; to be sure they all got high grades. He had better write to Madam Maxime; who took half goblins now. Because Beauxbatons was, besides Durmstrang, Eve's only option for a school with better than half a dozen subjects if she wanted to avoid goblins.
Well if the girl DID go to Durmstrang on the grounds that only 'naice' people of pure blood and close were permitted there, the child would find that 'naice' did not equate with nice, as in the meaning pleasant; there were decent kids in Durmstrang but plenty were petulant pets of doting parents and the discipline, including peer level discipline, was harsher than would ever be permitted in an English school. Durmstrang still retained the right to flog; and dormitory discipline to a transgressor of the unwritten code of the children could be draconian. Well it was Eve's problem; and she had to learn about life on her own if she chose to flout civilised behaviour.
oOoOo
Severus put in some library work – it had been a very long time since he had ever even contemplated practical jokes – and proceeded to implement Hermione's suggestion of toilets playing not Handel but the 1812 Overture whilst in use and exploding coloured stars when flushed. It was remarkably childish and he looked forward to seeing some puzzled faces amongst various layers of marauders.
He was not disappointed; each group of Marauders asked each other which had been responsible, all of them finally accusing the Muggle marauders of having burst out in the effort to be staid sixth formers; which of course Fred, Peter, Rory and Randolph denied, puzzled.
Unsurprisingly it was Antti Laakkonen who reported that somebody had bewitched the toilets again.
Severus beamed.
"Yes Mr Laakkonen" said he. "It was Madam Granger's idea and I implemented it. It was time for the staff to have a little gentle revenge on the marauders."
Antti stared; and went away very quietly. It was true what people said; ALL the English were insane!
He did however pass on to the Bee Marauders who passed it around in impromptu emergency marauder meeting.
"I find it hard to cope with the idea of it being Madam GRANGER who had the idea!" said Randolph.
"I guess if the headmaster wanted revenge we may have gone a little too far this year" said Wilhelm "Between us I mean."
"You could be right" said Yrdl. "And mostly it's been us lot. Of course" she added with more truth than she knew "It might be an outbreak of staff mischief in relief at getting rid of Cherrytree."
She was shouted down on this; the staff were not so human, even when they had first names and marshmallow cocoa.
"Should we apologise for overdoing things?" asked Batty.
"No; we should just take it on the chin, lay low and say nuffin'" said BaHH.
"I wish we'd thought of it first though" said AHHa.
"Huh, you're all elderly and fifth form and can't do stuff like that any more" said his brother "You'll have to wait until YOU'RE teaching."
"I never read in any school story about the staff playing pranks on the children" said Sandalla "It's quite improper."
"My dad is NOT improper!" said Silvina "We are English; the English are allowed to be eccentric. And actually I agree with Yrdl; he gets most awfully upset about expulsions; I wouldn't mind betting he picked up something Madam Granger said and just decided to go with it. Just because. And by the way, are you fourth year types going to write to your counterparts in Durmstrang and warn them just in case the silly moo goes there? I know the fourth year blooded don't Maraud but they come close. And if she DOES have real problems perhaps they can sort them out like I was sorted out."
"My dear Silvina, you were a miserable little cow but you lashed out in a loud sort of way and were open about it" said AHHa. "NEVER were you sly. I just think that anyone who can think it's all right to write poison pen letters is the nastiest; and not actually saveable, unless it IS a plea for help. And if it had been a plea for help Severus would have found out because he's the world's best legilimens. She's just nasty; end of story. And yes, you lot ought to write to Wencelada, Axel, Zyrillis and Grishilde. Ask them to keep quiet what she was expelled for in case she HAS turned over a new leaf; but if they can keep an eye on her it might stop her causing serious hurt to someone more vulnerable than our first year chapter."
Crow frowned.
"Is 'Chapter' the right term? Shouldn't that refer to Marauders of different places not different ages?"
"Pedant" complained AHHa. "You're probably right; suggest a collective noun."
"What, outside of Pests?" grinned Crow. "Section; sub-group; branch; I think branch myself because we're sort of many headed and mutable like a tree sprung from one trunk and growing and subdividing forever. Well as close to forever as makes no odds" he added.
"Crumbs, Crow, you ARE waxing lyrical today" said Yrdl "Swallowed a Roget's while you were at it I see."
"I'm not the only person in this room to read dictionaries and thesauruses and atlases for fun" said Crow defensively "You do too Yrdl".
"True" said Yrdl "It's why we went to the ball together and why we'll probably end up getting married."
"Steady on old girl!" said Crow "Marriage is a big step; I'm too young to die!"
Yrdl sent his eyebrows flying round the room in answer to that and a general free-for-all broke out which was enjoyed by all and being marauders they all managed to unjinx themselves happily enough before they had to be anywhere which would involve questions being asked about flying ears and eyebrows, pustules, lurid colours, tentacles, or parts of the body being vegetables.
It WAS good to let off steam.
They went to use the two toilets affected by Severus' jinx, synchronising hearbeats to sit down simultaneously to have the maximum volume from the 1812 overture and a really good light show afterwards.