YAAY! Another chapter of texting insanity!:)
DISCLAIMERS: Not my characters (except for Anna. Other OC's are property of their respective owners)
To: Val Venis
From: Ryan Shamrock
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Lita
Subject: Kane
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
To: Heath Slater
From: Christian
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
To: Randy Orton
From: Cody Rhodes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelope. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
To: Matt Hardy
From: Justin Gabriel
Subject: Wade Barrett
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
To: Randy Orton
From: Cody Rhodes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
?I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
To: Edge
From: Christian
What's the address?
To: Christian
From: Edge
Too drunk. Just google it.
To: Edge
From: Christian
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
To: Twitter
From: CM Punk
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
Subject: Val Venis
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
how high are you?
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
I've got a whole system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
To: John Cena
From: Evan Bourne
Subject: Randy Orton
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window! I love Boston on st. Patties day!
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: CM Punk
Subject: John Morrison
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon-Calaway
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth (SIDEBAR: I shamelessly ship Taker and Stephanie)
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Rob Van Dam
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
To: CM Punk
From: AJ Lee
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
To: AJ Lee
From: CM Punk
When were you at my house?
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Facebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Ryan Shamrock
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Jeff Hardy
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Mindy Stratus Lawson
Subject: James Lawson
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
To:Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
To: CM Punk
From: Jeff Hardy
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Drew McIntyre
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
To: Daniel Bryan
From: AJ Lee
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fucking in the elevator is frowned upon.
To: Randy Orton
From: Edge
Subject: Evan Bourne
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
To: Twitter
From: Edge & Christian
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
To: Twitter
From: Mr. Anderson
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
To: Lita
From: Trish Stratus
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
To: Everyone on her phone list
From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
To: Evan Bourne
From: Randy Orton
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
To: Daniel Bryan
From: CM Punk
Subject: AJ Lee
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
KEYWORD: TACO BELL
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
To: Kimo
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Shannon Moore
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
To: Ted Dibiase
From: Cody Rhodes
Subject: Randy Orton
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
To: Twitter
From: The Miz
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
Subject: Rob Van Dam
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
To: Twitter
From: Kimo
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: CM Punk
Subject: The Miz
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
To: Matt Hardy
From: Lita
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives?
To: Twitter
From: Christian (college setting)
There's a girl in class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
To: Edge
From: Christian (college setting)
Subject: Anna
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
To: Heath Slater
From: Justin Gabriel
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but instead of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
To: AJ Lee
From: Anna Hollenbeck
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
Totally get that.
To: Twitter
From: CM Punk
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
To: Everyone on his phone list
From: Matt Hardy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
To: Twitter
From: Maryse
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
To: AJ Lee
From: CM Punk
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
To: Beer Money, Inc.
From: MCMG's (Motor City Machine Guns)
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Jeff Hardy
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
To: Edge
From: Christian
Subject: Anna
She was really sick last night-but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
To: Jeff Hardy & Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
To: Evan Bourne
From: Evan's Mom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I like taco bell too
To: Heath Slater
From: Justin Gabriel
Subject: Daniel Bryan
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell... I have no words
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Shannon Moore
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
To: AJ Lee
From: Daniel Bryan
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!" i fucking love Hamilton.
To: Everyone on his phone list
From: Jeff Hardy
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
To: Everyone on their phone lists
From: Beth Phoenix & Natalya
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
To: Trish Stratus
From: Lita
Subject: Matt Hardy
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
To: Christian
From: Edge
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
To: Edge
From: Christian
which is why it's clearly superior
To: Cody Rhodes
From: John Cena
Subject: Randy Orton
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
To: Mickie James
From: Anna Hollenbeck
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Mickie James
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell...I'll try harder next time
To: Twitter
From: CM Punk
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
To: Christian
From: Edge
I chose taco bell over sex...
To: Edge
From: Christian
good choice.
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
To: Twitter
From: Edge
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
I can't find my pants or my car
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Evan Bourne
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
To: Twitter
From: Michael Cole
|I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
Subject: Kimo's Party
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
KEYWORD: WINGMAN
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
To: Daniel Bryan
From: CM Punk
Subject: AJ Lee
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
To: Ken Shamrock
From: Val Venis
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To: David Hart Smith
From: Tyson Kidd
Subject: Partying with Natalya
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Subject: Anna Hollenbeck and The Miz
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
To: Twitter
From: John Cena
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
To: The Miz
From: John Morrison
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
To: Heath Slater
From: Wade Barrett
Subject: Justin Gabriel
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MY LIFE what happend?
To: Wade Barrett
From: Heath Slater
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
To: Twitter
From: Heath Slater
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: CM Punk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Anna Hollenbeck
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
You were dancing around the club yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Heath Slater
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
To: Christian
From: Trish Stratus
I'm in your bed right now
To: Trish Stratus
From: Christian
Okay meet you there give me 10
To: Christian
From: Trish Stratus
Don't think you can make me leave either
To: Trish Stratus
From: Christian
Give me ten I have to be Chris's wingman I want you
To: Val Venis
From: Ryan Shamrock
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
To: Edge
From: Christian
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
To: James Lawson
From: Cooper Lawson
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
To: Twitter
From: Cody Rhodes
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Evan Bourne
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
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