NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Haven't updated this one in a while. BTW, a lot of texts made me think of the Shield, so they're making an appearance.
DISCLAIMERS: See Chapter One, I'm not typing them out again (too lazy)
Chapter Seven
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
To: Twitter
From: Trish Stratus
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
To: Val Venis
From: Ryan Shamrock
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
To: Twitter
From: Mickie James
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
To: Drew McIntyre & Jinder
From: Heath Slater
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
To: Heath Slater
From: Drew McIntyre & Jinder
Holy fucking shit
To: Drew McIntyre & Jinder
From: Heath Slater
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Evan Bourne
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
To: Evan Bourne
From: Cody Rhodes
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
To: Twitter
From: Zack Ryder
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
To: Christian
From: Trish Stratus
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
To: Trish Stratus
From: Christian:
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
To: Twitter
From: Seth Rollins
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
To: Michelle McCool
From: Layla
Subject: Mickie James
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the random guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
To: AJ Lee
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
To: CM Punk (or so he thinks)
From: John Morrison
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
To: John Morrison
From: Don't know, but he's NOT CM Punk!
Who is this?!
To: NOT CM Punk
From: John Morrison
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Heath Slater
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
To: Twitter
From: Seth Rollins
Subject: Last night's party (Dean & Roman were involved, too)
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
To: Randy Orton
From: Triple H
Subject: Anna Hollenbeck
If you've never been partying there before, take Anna with you. Drunk Anna is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
To: Everyone on his phone list
From: Chris Jericho
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
To: Lita
From: Stephanie McMahon
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Lita
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Christian
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
To: Seth Rollins
From: Dean Ambrose
Subject: Dean & Roman
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
To: Dean Ambrose
From: Seth Rollins
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
To: Twitter
From: Zack Ryder
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
To: Twitter
From: Edge & Christian
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho (college setting)
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Val Venis
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
To: Zeb Coulter
From: Jack Swagger
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
To: Lita
From: Trish Stratus
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
To: John Cena
From: Sheamus
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
To: Sheamus
From: John Cena
Be safe. And I hate you.
To: Dean & Roman
From: Seth Rollins
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
To: Dean & Roman
From: Seth Rollins
7) Noodle arms: engage
To: Dean & Roman
From: Seth Rollins
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
To: Daniel Bryan
From: CM Punk
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
To: Twitter
From: Trish Stratus
Subject: Mickie James
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
To: Twitter
From: Trish Stratus
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
To: Christian
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Thanks for fucking me in last night
To: Christian
From: Anna Hollenbeck
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
To: Sheamus
From: John Cena
Subject: The Shield
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
What should I say back?
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Straight into my pants.
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
Subject: Cena and Orton
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
To: Twitter
From: Roman Reigns
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
To: John Cena
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
To: AJ Lee
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Dolph Ziggler
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
To: Twitter
From: Lita
Subject: Being married to Kane
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
To: Heath Slater
From: Lita
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
To: Lita
From: Heath Slater
They have marijuana tests too!
To: Zack Ryder
From: Dolph Ziggler
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
To: Lita
From: Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
To: Lita
From: Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Matt Hardy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
To: John Morrison
From: CM Punk
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob...and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
To: Twitter
From: Mickie James
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
From: Anyone who's had a one night stand with Randy Orton
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
To: Some random on her text list
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Rob Van Dam
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1 am?
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Heath Slater
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
To: Zeb Coulter
From: Jack Swagger
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
To: Jack Swagger
From: Zeb Coulter
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
To: Dolph Ziggler
From AJ Lee
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Mr. Anderson
How high are you?
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS! And a sandwich of your choosing...you like turkey?
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Mickie James
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
To: Miz
From: Maryse
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ashley Massaro
Subject: Mickie James
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed?
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Christian
You have no idea what this does for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
To: John Cena
From: Daniel Bryan
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we used to, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
To: Daniel Bryan
From: John Cena
Did she say Ok?
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
To: Seth & Roman
From: Dean Ambrose
I have a surprise for you guys
To: Dean Ambrose
From: Seth & Roman
What is it?
To: Seth & Roman
From: Dean Ambrose
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Rob Van Dam
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
Probably
To: Twitter
From: Trish Stratus
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
To: Twitter
From: Jack Swagger
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
To: Twitter
From: Dean Ambrose
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck
just won $200 from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Jeff Hardy
how?
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
Subject: Shannon Moore
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Mindy Stratus
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
To: Mindy Stratus
From: Anna Hollenbeck
10 points to you
To: Twitter
From: Jack Swagger
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
To: AJ Lee
From: Dolph Ziggler
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
To: Unidentified Professor
From: Kelly Kelly (college setting)
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
To: Chris Jericho
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: The Miz
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
To: Twitter
From: Zack Ryder
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
To: Everyone on her phone list
From: Stephanie McMahon
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian (college setting)
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Dolph Ziggler
Is she still in your room?
To: Dolph Ziggler
From: Daniel Bryan
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Ryan Shamrock
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Stephanie McMahon
Score one for dad.
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unattractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
To: Twitter
From: Edge
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Rob Van Dam
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
To: Ashley Massaro
From: Trish Stratus
Subject: Mickie James
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Ashley Massaro
so that's what that room is for...
To: Jack Swagger
From: Anna Hollenbeck
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
To: Everyone on his phone list
From: Christian (college setting)
At 2pm we are having a MANDATORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
To: Everyone on his phone list
From: Christian (college setting)
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Chris Jericho
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: John Morrison
Subject: CM Punk
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
To: John Morrison
From: Anna Hollenbeck
wow. THAT good huh
To: Mickie James
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Christian
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Randy Orton
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
To: The Miz
From: John Morrison
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
To: Edge
From: Evan Bourne
Subject: Randy Orton
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Christian
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
To: Christian
From: Jeff Hardy
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
To: Twitter
From: Dean Ambrose
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Christian
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
To: Christian
From: Anna Hollenbeck
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
To: Twitter
From AJ Lee
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
To: Twitter
From AJ Lee
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
To: Mickie James
From: Trish Stratus
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
To: Edge
From: Christian
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck
My mom opened up my bank statement today...my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Jeff Hardy
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
To: James Lawson
From: The Undertaker
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YOU KNOW THE DRILL;) REVIEWS = LOVE