NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Hmmm...not sure if I like the way this chapter turned out. LMK if it sucked;)
DISCLAIMERS: See Chapter One
Chapter Nine
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Ted Dibiase
Subject: Randy Orton
What did he say?
To: Ted Dibiase
From: Cody Rhodes
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
To: Randy Orton
From: Daniel Bryan
Subject: The Bellas
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
To: Maryse
From: Miz
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
To: Miz
From: Maryse
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
To: Maryse
From: Miz
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
To: Chris Jericho
From: Johnny Curtis (Fandango)
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
To: Twitter
From: Mickie James
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Stephanie McMahon-Calaway
Subject: Undertaker (Mark)
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
To: Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel
From: Anna Hollenbeck
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
To: Twitter
From: Trish Stratus
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
To: AJ Lee
From: Kaitlyn
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
To: Christian
From: Edge
Subject: Jeff Hardy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Lita
Subject: Matt Hardy, and Jeff interrupting
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
To: Trish Stratus
From: Mickie James
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
To: Mickie James
From: Trish Stratus
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
To: Kaitlyn
From: AJ Lee
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night?
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
To: Twitter
From: Zack Ryder
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
To: Edge
From: Christian
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
To: Christian
From: Edge
God I adore you.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Stephanie McMahon
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Did you at least offer to let him get it out?
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
Best superhero ever to exist
To: Twitter
From: Lita
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
To: Christian
From: Edge (College setting)
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Christian
Subject: Chris Jericho
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
To: Twitter (Twit Longer)
From: Ryan Shamrock
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
To: Evan Bourne
From: Cody Rhodes
Subject: Randy Orton
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
To: Twitter
From: Dolph Ziggler (College)
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
To: HHH
From: HBK
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
To: Christian
From: Trish Stratus
My vagina is screaming your name. Wtf did you do to it
To: Twitter
From: Zack Ryder
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
To: Heath Slater
From: Drew McIntyre
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and faceplant?" the answer is yes.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Mickie James
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
To: Mickie James
From: Anna Hollenbeck
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shane Helms
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak...
To: John Cena
From: Wade Barrett
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
To: Wade Barrett
From: John Cena
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Val Venis
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
To: Twitter
From: Brian Kendrick
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Matt Hardy
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
To: Matt Hardy
From: Jeff Hardy
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam (high school/college setting)
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
To: Christian
From: Anna Hollenbeck
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Reby
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
To: Cooper Lawson
From: James Lawson
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
To: AJ Lee
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy:)
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
To: Fandango (Johnny Curtis)
From: Chris Jericho
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Fandango
God you're perfect.
To: Fandango
From: Chris Jericho
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
To: Jerry Lawler
From: Michael Cole
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
To: Edge
From: Christian
Subject: Anna
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
To: Christian
From: Edge
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
To: Edge
From: Christian
Affirmative
To: Maria Kanellis
From: Anna Hollenbeck
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
To: Bret Hart
From: David Hart Smith
Subject: Tyson Kidd
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
To: The Shield
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Antonio Cesaro
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
To: The Shield
From: Anna Hollenbeck
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
To: Twitter
From: Edge
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
To: Fandango
From: Chris Jericho
Subject: CM Punk
Can't find our DD
To: Chris Jericho
From: Fandango
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages. They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
To: Lita
From: Trish Stratus
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
KEYWORD: SHOTGUN
(Shotgunning is a means of consuming a beverage, particularly beer, very quickly by punching a hole in the side of the can or cup.)
BTW: Farooq and Bradshaw (Acolytes Protection Agency, look them up on You Tube) and Steve Austin are about to make an appearance.
To: Farooq
From: Bradshaw
Subject: Anna Hollenbeck
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
To: Twitter
From: Steve Austin
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
To: Dolph Ziggler
From: Zack Ryder
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
To: Farooq
From: Bradshaw
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon (College)
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
To: Twitter
From: Steve Austin
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
To: Bradshaw
From: Farooq
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
To: Twitter
From: Edge & Christian
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
To: HBK
From: HHH
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
To: Farooq
From: Bradshaw
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Steve Austin
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Jeff Hardy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
To: Twitter
From: Bray Wyatt
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
To: Twitter
From: Zeb Coulter & Jack Swagger
We just shotgunned beers for America
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Evan Bourne
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
To: Twitter
From: Bradshaw
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
To: Ryback
From: John Cena
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
To: Twitter
From: Bradshaw
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
To: Jinder & Drew
From: Heath Slater
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun PAM in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
To: Twitter
From: Steve Austin
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
To: Twitter
From: Undertaker
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
To: Twitter
From: Dolph Ziggler
Subject: AJ Lee
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
To: Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
To: Bradshaw
From: Farooq
Subject: Rob Van Dam
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
To: Steve Austin
From: The APA
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
To: The APA
From: Steve Austin
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
To: Twitter
From: Lita
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
To: Tyson Kidd
From: Farooq & Bradshaw
Subject: Natalya
You may now shotgun with the bride
To: HBK
From: HHH
Subject: Hornswoggle
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
To: Twitter
From: Tyson & Natalya
Subject: Their Honeymoon:)
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
YOU KNOW THE DRILL!:) REVIEWS = LOVE