Stolen Stars:
Chapter Fourteen
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
(Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol)
0o0o0o0o0o0
It's not of consequence.
Loki looked up from his plate to glance across the table. They were all sharing a morning meal, something of an old tradition in the mid-week. Rose was having a lively dialogue with his mother, something that should not have thrown his emotions into such disarray.
Out of all the members of the royal household, Frigga held the least animosity towards him; whether due to true affection or simple motherly duty, he did not know. In any case, it both bothered him and stirred a strange kind of hope to see that Frigga seemed to approve of Rose. And that she would care to voice it purposefully.
"Have you heard of the plains of Garganta?" Rose asked.
"I can't say I have," Frigga replied. "Is it a region of Midgard?"
"It's an oval planet in the outer rings of the Jorax system," Rose explained. "Oh, your highness, you would love it. Their weavers make their clothes out of the strands of the grasses. It's like the best silk imaginable. And you wouldn't believe how they process it."
"Your stories are worthy of any royal skald, my dear," Frigga smiled fondly. "But our people are not so keen on exploration for curiosity's sake, I'm afraid. Adventure is of more value." She looked at Thor, who sat beside Loki, in something like exasperation.
"I know not why you consider it such a bad thing, Mother," Thor replied, mildly affronted. "It is our duty as Aesir to seek out danger. For the glory of Asgard, and the protection of the Realms."
"Ah yes," the goddess sighed. "But it would be a nice if you could bring me foreign silks rather than the severed head of a demon bear for a change."
Rose laughed. "Oh, I get my fair share of adventure. There was this one time, in New New York…"
And so on. Loki preferred to stay out of the conversation as much as possible. More out of reservation and wishing not to talk to Rose until their session, but he did find himself enjoying her tales of life about the stars as well. Her meager hundred years of experience seemed quite endless (though Rose had neglected to inform the rest of his family of the Bad Wolf and its consequence), and Loki was again reminded of Rose Tyler's courage and admirable strength in the face of adversity.
He wondered vaguely of the content of her journeys. Rose often spoke of the times long before her banishment to the other universe, but Loki had yet to hear her recall the days he was a part of. How far away those memories must be to her, he thought bitterly. Even as blemished by the fog as they are, I remember our adventures being equally fascinating.
Loki fidgeted in his seat as Rose regaled the table with the story of curing an underground cash of experiments guarded by cat-people. Thor was wrong—there was no use in apologizing to Rose. She obviously cared naught.
But the thought itched at him, gnawing on his stomach incessantly. The urge to pull her aside to talk grew to a crescendo when the blonde woman looked his way. Her eyes held a repressed sadness, but she was distracted once more by a question from Frigga.
Where would he start? By saying 'oh no, Rose. I really don't think you are a whore. That was bad phrasing on my part'?
Loki knew what he said to Rose was horrible and unfair, but his pride had been too great to keep his mouth shut. Now there was no way he could apologize without sacrificing his dignity, and concocting a way to manipulate Rose into forgetting the incident was too ugly to palate. He hated himself for that particular weakness.
The mix of anger and the brevity of their current sessions made his mind sluggish, the poison still holding sway over his previously fine control over his emotions. It would take a miracle for him to gather the determination needed to see this through, but there was no other choice.
Loki refused to be the pain in Rose's eyes any longer.
Odin, who had been as silent as Loki this breakfast, was the first to bid the rest of them good day as he left to attend to court matters. Frigga followed at his request. Thor looked pointedly at Loki when the king and queen were out of sight, and then turned his attention to Rose.
"I still cannot fathom how you can defeat a whole legion of monstrous felines with little more than a device that opens doors," he said. "Truly such a deed is written in song somewhere."
"I hope not," Rose laughed, scrunching up her nose at the idea. "Who would want to anyway?
"Well perhaps you can find someone in the town," Thor said. "Loki could take you. He has a knack for finding the one skald who would write the most ridiculous lyrics."
Loki resisted the urge to glare at his brother, while a tiny part of him thanked Thor for introducing the idea. Perhaps a step away from the imposing walls of the palace would help encourage some form of reconcile.
Before Rose or Loki could reply to Thor's suggestion however, the warrior stood and stepped away from the table, giving an excuse about some matter to attend to with Volstagg.
The two of them sat in silence, until Loki finally broke the quiet.
"The hour is early still," he said.
"Oh?" Rose replied shortly.
"It is too late to see the dawn breaking on the river," Loki continued, his voice low and unobtrusive even as his heart thudded violently in his chest, "but the faering are still on the water. As I recall, you were keen on seeing them once."
Her eyes pierced through him, and all of a sudden the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. If he hadn't already known the source of the strange power Rose Tyler had always had over him, Loki would have brushed it aside as an anomaly like he did when he was stranded in Pete's World. But now that power had a name and a purpose, and it both frightened and aroused him.
But then Rose blinked and looked down at the fruit rinds on her plate.
"You have the freedom to go where you want," she muttered, pushing the food remains around with a fork. "You don't need an escort."
"It would be my pleasure," he insisted. Loki watched Rose bite her bottom lip in consideration, and then she sighed.
"Alright, but we should be back here for your session in an hour."
"Fine by me."
Loki thought about this next move for a moment, but gave in to the impulse. He went around to her side of the table and held out his hand.
"Shall we?"
Rose studied his hand, and then his face, as if looking for a trick. His stomach twisted once more at the idea. But whatever she found must have satisfied her, because she slid her warm palm into his. Rose stood and her hand moved up to rest on his forearm as he led them out of the dining room.
When they left the palace grounds, Loki caught one of the guards discreetly tail them. He suppressed a sigh, but said nothing about it. While his movements weren't as restricted as per the All-Father's orders, there was no promise that he wouldn't be watched.
He moved his attention to the woman at his side. Loki noted that she seemed weary, her shoulders drooped slightly, and the grip on his arm was weighted.
"Are you sleeping well?" he couldn't help but ask. Rose's eyes flicked up to him, but then stared straight ahead.
"Yes, fine," she replied a tad too quickly. Loki pursed his lips, his concern validated. He knew of her restless nights and they were only getting worse the longer she stayed. He did not need as much sleep as the mortal, but Rose's aggrieved mind was desperate. It would clutch onto their connection like a person drowning. Only when he reached out to calm her anxiety and fear would she sink back into respite.
It was yet another reason for Rose to leave.
They turned a corner into a covered cobblestone street leading down to the wharfs. Rose gazed appreciatively at the winding vines along the stone and gold buildings.
"There are shops along the river," Loki said. "Contrary to what the queen tells you, we do have our fair share of artisans." Perhaps she would like to keep something of Asgard.
And it would be a shame if Rose left with only memories of duty and hostility, Loki thought. While he had thousands of reasons to hate it and its people, Asgard was still his home. And there was still some beauty to come by.
"I don't have any of your currency," Rose admitted. Loki smirked.
"You have me," Loki said simply, pulling out a coin with his insignia on it. Word had gone out about his part in freeing the popular Lady Sif. The Aesir were a long-lived race who rarely held grudges for long and enjoyed tales of heroism and redemption. Any merchants would let him, and his companion, have their choice of goods.
"No," Rose protested. "I can't take advantage of you like that."
"As I recall, you sheltered and fed me for six months," Loki teased. "Consider this repayment." At her uncertain expression, he became serious. "Do not deny me this one thing, Rose."
Rose sighed and rolled her eyes. Loki took this as concession, and so continued towards the river.
The shops and stands were busy at this time of day. The smells of spices, the shouts and jeers of the vendors and the customers, the barks of hounds that wove through the crowd overwhelmed the senses and Loki could tell Rose enjoyed every minute.
"D'you think I can get me some of that armor like Sif has?" Rose asked after Loki handed her an apple from a cart (stolen—he couldn't help it).
"The palace has better blacksmiths," Loki replied, amused. Rose made a noise of acknowledgement and then wandered over to a stall with a variety of woven bracelets and charms.
Loki was content with following Rose to wherever caught her eye. She was a shrewd haggler, and Loki found himself wishing he could teach her some of his own tricks. Between the two of them, they could easily run the market into the ground with hardly a scrape of his purse. But Loki withheld the urge and just smiled at her as she showed him certain wares.
He had other plans, anyway.
There was only one place in Asgard where Loki could consider the most beautiful. It was a small unknown alcove that was nestled into the side of a cliff, underneath one of the eastern bridges. After Rose insisted that they needed to be getting back to the palace, Loki led Rose to the outskirts of the town. A short wooden door barred the entrance under the bridge, but Loki fished a key from a loose rock. He looked over his shoulder at their tail, who nodded sharply, allowing it. Satisfied, Loki opened the door.
"In here. I wish to show you something," Loki directed, ducking under the low buttresses in the narrow opening. He looked over his shoulder at Rose as she picked her way up the entrance. Moss covered the stone walls as they climbed up through the dark belly of the bridge. The alcove was in the uppermost part of the cliff, only accessible through the stonemason's stairway inside of the bridge.
Finally the cramped space opened up slightly into a wide, crude marble terrace.
"Oh wow," Rose breathed.
Loki let her brush past him to look out over the water. While it was best in the early morning light, the river still shone like textured glass; magnificent and surreal. Birds flitted in and out of crevasses in the dazzling, sun-soaked cliffs that soared above and below them. The fishing ships on the river sent out ripples as the fishermen threw out and brought in nets. Everything seemed to have been steeped in gold.
And yet Loki only gave the view a passing glance before he settled on Rose. She was silent and wide-eyed, one hand resting on the terrace while the other had been placed over her collarbone. Loki watched her absorb the experience, certain that her hungry imagination was registering and memorizing every detail.
Something frighteningly familiar lodged in his throat as the same golden light that kissed the river played on her yellow hair.
And then every sense left him when she turned and fixed on him that breathtaking smile, her tongue peeking out between teeth as her eyes twinkled in delight. The ghost of her old self appeared before his eyes and he was undone.
Before Loki could wisely evaluate his actions, in two strides he closed the space between them. Hands cupped Rose's smooth jaw and tipped her face up so Loki could brush his lips against hers.
And almost instantly he was shoved away.
"I—"
"No," Rose hissed, betrayal sharpening her glare. "Not another word."
Loki was surprised to find himself berated into silence. After a moment, Rose fled back into the cliff, most likely heading for the palace. Loki stayed rooted in the spot, fury at himself and grief at Rose's reaction dueling for the scraps of the poison still left inside him.
0o0o0o0o0o0
Loki paced in front of Rose's bedchamber for a good hour later that evening, his mind spinning with anxiety and guilt and anger. He could not blame his actions on the poison; there simply wasn't enough of it. He knew it was all him, and he owed it to Rose to explain himself.
Finally he gathered the courage to rap on her door.
"Rose?"
"Go away, Loki." Her tone was angry, and it stoked the ire in him.
"You're being childish," Loki accused.
"I'm being…?" Loki heard her voice—high-pitched with indignation—cut off into a furious growl. Hermod eyed him uncertainly. Loki ignored it.
"Please, Rose. I just want to talk. Hermod can listen in if you like."
"I bet Hermod wants to listen to you as much as I do."
"How about just us? Then there can be one less person to suffer my diatribes."
There was silence from the other side of the door. Loki rested his forehead against the stone wall in frustration, mumbling about stubborn women under his breath.
But the chamber door creaked open, revealing a pale but determined Rose Tyler piercing him with her jewel-hard eyes.
"In" was all Rose said, leaving the door open behind her as she swept back into her room. Hermod glared at Loki, as if in warning. Loki shrugged dismissively at the guard and slipped inside. He closed the door carefully.
It was the first time he had set foot in Rose's quarters. She hadn't done much in terms of settling; only her blue jacket draped over a wooden trunk indicated anything of ownership. Rose herself was standing in front of the hearth of the fireplace, her arms crossed defensively in front of her.
"I am tired of your lies," she stated. Loki blinked at her, flabbergasted.
"What lies?"
"One day you hate me and everything I am, and the next…" Rose ran her hands through her hair, exasperated. "I can't keep up with you. You can't expect me to just sit here and take whatever you wish to throw at me. I know you're sufferin' more than anyone, but all I want to do is help you. And you can't even be grateful for that."
"I am grateful, Rose," Loki insisted. "But what is the point if you are leaving as soon as you're done fixing me?"
"Isn't that what you want?" Rose snapped, tears standing in her eyes.
Loki stared at her, stunned.
"What?" he uttered.
"You want me to leave, to finish curing you so you can get on with ruining everything I've helped you get back."
Loki was speechless as Rose collapsed onto her armchair, burying her face in her hands. Loki's mind stammered at his attempts to process what she was implying.
"I am not gonna stop you, you know," he heard her strained voice behind her fingers. "I could. But I won't. I'm not gonna do what those monsters did. I won't change you."
A chill slid down Loki's spine at her confession.
Why? his conscious screamed, wanting to hammer at her refusal, to rip it apart and make her see how disgusting he was. He needed to be changed.
Suddenly he found himself kneeling at her feet, his fingers twisting into her skirt in desperation.
"I am a monster, Rose. No, listen to me," he begged as she flinched. "I want you to leave…because I am tainting you. Can't you see? I am a killer, a madman. You have no reason to stay after you take the poison. You shouldn't've done even that."
He swallowed as Rose lowered her hands, her face full of confusion and hurt. As gently as possible, he took her hands into his trembling ones. "You need to have your freedom, you cannot simply rely on loyalty to me only to be disappointed in the end. Which we both know—" Loki grit his teeth in the wave of anger and hatred he felt towards himself. "I will disappoint you. So I have to let you go, before you can see any of that."
"How can I—" When doubt crossed through her eyes, Loki gripped her hands tightly, urgently.
"Look into my head, you daft woman," he cried. "I do not want you to hurt any longer. You know it to be true. I cannot deceive to you."
Rose sighed and shook her head.
"It doesn't matter. I made a promise. I'm gonna see this through, Loki."
"But it's tainting you. The nightmares are getting worse."
The blonde froze.
"How do you know about my nightmares?"
Loki mentally kicked himself, but it was no use hiding it now. He laughed, a dry humorless thing.
"You never ask for help, Rose," he muttered. "All these years, I would wager that even your Doctor had trouble knowing if something was wrong because you refuse to bother anyone with your worries. That the terrors you have seen still haunt you."
Rose suddenly shivered, and his ire disappeared, replaced with a desperate need to comfort her—to fix it. He leaned forward and brushed her cheek with the back of his knuckles. He closed his eyes and reached out. Loki found the bond so much easier to find with touch. His mention of her terrors had brought up the memories once more, and so Loki made sure to end them as he had done so many times before in the dead of night.
When he was done, Loki sat back on his heels and placed his hands on Rose's knees. He looked up at Rose, who was staring at him with the same expression she had when he kissed her.
"I am a fool, Rose Tyler. A coward, too," Loki huffed in self-mockery. "I calm your nightmares because that was the only way I knew something troubled you."
"That was you?"
"Ah, the tone of surprise," Loki jested. "Yes, that was me. Not that it helps much, but—"
Loki was cut off by two surprisingly strong hands grasping the collar of his tunic and yanking him up to meet Rose's mouth.
At first Loki thought it had to be a hallucination, the action was too quick to process. But the gasp of astonishment was soon replaced by a deep moan as Loki pressed forward to capture Rose's lips. Loki's hands buried into her hair as he drank the taste of her for the second time this day.
"Thank you," Rose breathed against his mouth. Her broken voice cut his heart, and Loki pulled away. Guilt twisted in his gut as he caught a tear escape her tenuous clamp on her emotions.
"No thanks needed," he muttered, brushing the damp from her cheek. "I am so sorry, Rose, for my words the other day. They were cruel and untrue. Please forgive me."
Rose smiled, and the effect was bittersweet. She stood, pulling him up with her.
"Can you try to stop pushing me away, then?" Rose urged.
In response, Loki drew her into his arms in a gentle embrace. Rose melted against him and he felt the tension from her shoulders finally release.
"I'm so tired," she sighed. Loki felt sadness at the exhaustion and fear in her voice.
Rose was good at keeping her weaknesses at bay, and it pained Loki to realize that he had exploited her patience far too many times. Her hands were clutching at the front of his tunic, and with one motion Loki slipped an arm under her knees and lifted.
"What are you doing?" Rose demanded as he carried her, but she wasn't resisting when he headed to the bed. The fact that she was putting up with it showed more about her fatigue than anything else.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to take advantage of you," Loki replied lightly. "I know how much you sleep at night. Even if the Bad Wolf strengthens you, such a lack of rest cannot be healthy."
"I can walk, you know," Rose muttered. Loki only smirked as he sat the disgruntled woman down on her bed. Without ceremony, Loki slid onto the bed behind her and reclined onto the pillows. He offered his open arms. Rose bit her lip, hesitating before levering herself down to rest against him with a sigh.
"Will you stay?" Rose murmured into his neck. "At least 'til I fall asleep."
I should be asking you the same question, Loki almost said, but he brushed the sentiment aside. This would probably be the last night he would be able to savor such proximity. He could leave such inquiries for later.
"Of course," Loki replied quietly. He ran his hand through her hair, pushing it away from her face. He reached out and soothed the concerns that withheld sleep from his beloved's overworked mind.
And he did love her, as he always had. But sometimes love wasn't enough.
Loki watched closely as Rose's pulse and breathing slowed. With a contented sigh, she slipped into deep, healing unconsciousness.
He lay awake for hours afterwards, frozen by the surreal nature of his situation, and fearful at the prospect that he did not deserve it.
Be still, something brushed against the corner of his mind. Loki's attention went once more to the warm body in his arms. With a jolt, he realized that Rose sensed his distress even in dreams.
Remarkable, impossible woman, Loki accused fondly before letting go and embracing the comfort Rose was offering. Perhaps it was selfish. Perhaps he would never again feel the relief of her heart and body, but he pushed all of it aside.
And he dreamed with her.
0o0o0o0o0o0
Author's Note: If you can, please look up the youtube video "Chasing Cars Dance featuring Mallauri Esquibel & Ryan Steele". It truly inspired this chapter, and the music is simply amazing. Thank you all so much for following this story, I really appreciate the comments that you leave and you inspire me to keep going!