Anxiety

I was really excited about learning to fly but the other Ravenclaw girls didn't really feel the same way. They all preferred reading to flying and were quite nervous. Very much unlike the people from other houses I overheard during meals in the Great Hall. Mandy however was more than just nervous. She had been very quiet and reserved ever since our last research in the library. I didn't really understand that but she didn't answer me, she actually seemed to be avoiding me. This wasn't like her at all. We had argued in the past of course, but we had always known what it was about. We used to shout at each other, be angry for a short while and make up afterwards.

This time, I had no idea what might be bothering her.

During Transfiguration on Wednesday, Mandy was the first one to do our second transfiguration right. Professor McGonagall awarded her ten points and praised her in front of the class. When a teacher in our old school had done this, she had always been really proud and glad because she could do well even though she was from the Orphanage. This time, she didn't look happy at all. After class, she fell behind rather than walk to the Great Hall with Lisa, Padma an me.

I couldn't leave her like that of course. "We'll be down later," I told the others and walked back to Mandy.

"Hey, what's wrong with you? You were really brilliant."

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter, does it?"

Mandy got up and started to walk into the opposite direction.

"Mandy, what's the matter?" I asked, following her.

"Leave me alone."

"No, I won't. Not until you tell me what's wrong. What do you think I've done?"

"You haven't done anything wrong," Mandy said and walked on. I continued following her.

"It's not you who's the problem, it's me," she said. "I just don't belong here. You're probably some sort of pure-blood princess or something but no one wants me here. They don't even think my parents have been real people."

She didn't stop walking; maybe it was easier for her to say this while on the move. Was she jealous because I might be from a magical family? What good did that do me? They obviously hadn't wanted me or else they were dead. Unlike Mandy, I had never had the chance to really get to know my parents.

"They call them "Muggles," it's an insult itself, isn't it? My parents were people and so are Andy, Aurora, Ms Leakey and Mrs Richards."

"Of course," I said, realising that this was about more than jealousy. "Of course we're all people. Only some of us are people with special abilities. Don't listen to idiots like Malfoy. They don't know what they're talking about."

"You know, I can't laugh about this anymore," Mandy said. "Not after the stuff I've been reading in this book. They're dead serious about this, Vivi. To them, we're vermin that needs to be killed off, well, I am."

I hadn't read the book Mandy had read but I couldn't believe that many people here really thought stuff like that.

"This You-Know-Who person was a mad murderer," I said. "They often believe the weirdest things. Everyone's glad that he's gone, that's why Harry's seen as a hero. There are murderers and terrorists in the Muggle world too. Some serial killers hate and murder women. We don't start saying that we don't want to be girls anymore because of them either, do we?"

Mandy smiled sadly. "Ms Leakey would be glad to hear you say that. I really miss her you know. And Aurora and the others as well. I'd love to have maths again, or literature class or arts class or all the stuff we did in the past. Magic's really fascinating and everything but I don't think it's all there is. I don't. You seem to be really comfortable here. That's why I think they might have a point. Maybe people like me really don't belong here."

I sighed. So she felt homesick too. She was right in a way, for some reason, I hadn't felt this way so far. There were so many new and wondrous things here, maths and literature couldn't really make up for them in my opinion.

"You know, I don't really want to be in a place with dark magic and corridors were we might get killed and teachers who have been in trouble with vampires. I'm sure Quirrel has a reason to be so scared."

I didn't really believe that but I had thought about some of those things too. Especially on my first evening here. "This has been making me uncomfortable as well," I said. "I'm not sure I really belong here either. I still don't know what I did to make Neville Longbottom hate me. He isn't acting like that to anyone else."

"Well, because he's too scared I think," Mandy said. "That's worrying me too you know. He's one of those "pure-bloods" and he's so scared of everything. I'm sure he knows horrible things about the Wizarding world and that's why he's acting this way."

"If you want him to tell you, you really need to stop hanging out with me," I told her. "He seems to hate me for whatever reason. Other people whisper as well when they see me. Not in our own year but some older students and some of those from the other houses. Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout both don't seem to like me and Snape basically ignores me all the time."

I wouldn't really have preferred nasty remarks from him but it was a bit strange. I hadn't said this aloud so far but it had been at the back of my mind all the time, maybe even one of the reasons why I tried so hard to find out about my family.

"I don't think I really did anything wrong when we met Neville anymore," I said. "There must be something I don't know. And that's why I want to find out the truth. Not because I want to be special or anything. I don't think the truth is very nice you see."

"I didn't know this," Mandy said. "You seemed to blend in so well. I think I'm really a bit jealous because you really belong here, not like me. But maybe you're right and it's not such a great thing at all. These things I've read have really scared me though."

"Yes, I think this is a much more dangerous place than Muggle Britain," I admitted. "But that's why we need to stick together and talk to each other."

"Yes, you're probably right," Mandy said. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I was really a bit too obsessed with the families," I said.

"Where are you two going?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

Both of us flinched and turned around. Behind us stood no other than Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster. I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or even more scared. Mandy clapped her hand in front of her mouth. "Oh no, we're standing in front of the forbidden corridor. Professor, I'm sorry, it was my fault. Vivien and I have been talking and we didn't watch where we were going."

My throat felt tight. This was one of those mistakes you really shouldn't make in a place like this one.

Professor Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling; he didn't seem to be too angry. "Don't worry. It's normal that people get lost a few times during their first weeks here. I'm sure you weren't trying to get in there. May I still ask your names?"

We told him our names and Dumbledore nodded. "I see. I happened to overhear some parts of your conversation."

Mandy blushed and my face felt very hot so I probably did as well.

"It's quite natural that you are thinking about those things," Dumbledore said. "Especially for Ravenclaws who greatly care about knowledge."

Professor Dumbledore's remark made me think that I might have a chance to get an answer.

"Professor, there's something I'd like to ask you. We've met Neville Longbottom in Diagon Alley and he seemed quite nice. Later on the train we've met him again and defended him from a few other people who were picking on him but he didn't really want help from us. He refused to talk to either of us ever since." That was the most polite way I could phrase this without getting anyone into trouble or at least I hoped so. Mandy gave me a disbelieving look.

"I've been wondering ever since if I've done something to offend him but I don't know what it could have been."

"It is very considerate of you Miss Lestrange to ask yourself if you made a mistake rather than judge the other person," Professor Dumbledore said. "I'm certain that Mr Longbottom's behaviour towards you isn't due to a mistake on your part though. You don't have to worry about that anymore. Maybe he will tell you why he has reacted that way some time."

I couldn't keep myself from sighing in exasperation. I had given up hope that this would happen by now.

"Can't you-" I felt Mandy step on my foot. "Vivien," she whispered. "Don't."

"I'm sorry Miss Lestrange but I can't. Mr Longbottom has the right to tell you himself if he wishes to do so," Dumbledore said. "By the way, knowing isn't always blissful and neither is ignorance always a burden. Miss Brocklehurst has learned this lesson already."

How comforting, I thought but didn't say it aloud. I didn't want to be so rude towards the Headmaster of course.

"You should better hurry up to get dinner," Professor Dumbledore told us now. "Being well-nourished is of utmost importance to the hopeful young mind."

After this, Mandy and I were talking to each other normally again. Still, something had changed. I had always been really certain that nothing could come between but I wasn't so sure anymore. I was wrong if I thought I could take our friendship for granted as I had started to do during the years, I had to make sure that Mandy knew I cared about her.

Dumbledore's cryptic remarks had been rather annoying. I knew now that whatever happened must have either been extremely bad or highly embarrassing for Neville. I hoped that it was the latter; this wasn't so unlikely, highly embarrassing things kept happening to Neville on a regular basis. The Gryffindors and Slytherins had their first flying lesson a day before us and just like his first Potions lesson it ended in the Hospital Wing for Neville as we learned from Parvati. He had broken his wrist while falling off his broom.

This information made Padma and the others even more nervous than they had been in the first place. I didn't really think Neville's misfortune was a reason to worry myself though. He had gotten himself into the Hospital Wing in his first Potions lesson too and mine had been really good. There was no reason to believe that flying had to be different.

Our own flying lesson was scheduled for Friday afternoon, a time where there were no other classes. Roger Davies, Morag's sister and Parvati decided to accompany us to support us and in Roger's case see if there were any promising Quidditch players among us.

The Hufflepuffs had brought some support as well. There was one person I recognised, Nymphadora. She walked over with a smile when she saw me. "Hi, Vivien," she said rather shyly which surprised me coming from the now turquoise-haired girl.

"Hello Nymphadora," I said.

"Don't call me Nymphadora," she replied loudly, suddenly glaring at me I wasn't quite sure if she was really angry. "It's Tonks."

I had been taught that only using people's last names was rather rude but if she wanted it that way. I kept calling her Nymphadora in my head though.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Didn't want to be rude."

"No problem," said Nymphadora. "Do you have any plans for later?" A few of the other Hufflepuffs giggled, Nymphadora gave them another one of her glares.

"Not really," I said, wondering what she was up to.

"There's something I'd like to talk about," Nymphadora said.

"Alright," I said. My curiosity was definitely awakened.

Before I could ask anything else, the flying instructor Madam Hooch arrived and told us to line up next to the brooms. I whispered to Mandy and Lisa that they shouldn't wait for me later before turning my attention to the lesson. The brooms on the floor looked completely ordinary. Would we really be able to fly with them? I'd know soon.

The first thing we had to do was getting the brooms to jump into our hands. At the first try, mine only turned around but when I used my commanding voice that had been really useful against annoying people at the orphanage, it jumped into my hand.

Madam Hooch showed us how to sit and hold onto the broom afterwards. If anyone from the orphanage had been watching we had given a very strange sight indeed, twenty eleven-year-olds sitting on old broomsticks. I could feel some sort of magic in it though and I had seen others fly before during Quidditch practice. It was possible; I only had to get it right.

Madam Hooch told us to rise into the air a few feet and come back down by leaning forwards. "No one starts before I've blown the whistle," she said. "And be careful! Only a few feet. We already had an accident yesterday; I don't want to repeat that."

"Three two," she blew her whistle. My heard beating violently, I kicked off the ground slightly. The broom started to rise into the air. It was really true, I was flying. My hands were sweaty and I had to close them around the broom's handle very firmly so I didn't lose my grip. This kept me from really taking the sensation in.

"Come back now," Madam Hooch called. I leaned forward and the broom did really go down. Right before I reached the ground again, I didn't manage to hold on anymore and ended up headfirst on the ground. After the initial shock, I realised that I hadn't hurt myself and started to giggle in relief while I got up again. Some of the others laughed as well now that they knew I was fine.

The second attempt already went much better and after the third I was one of those allowed to fly an entire round over the field. We had to go one by one, Madam Hooch was sitting on her broom as well, ready to take off if something went wrong.

I managed the first part quite well now and carefully shifted my weight to turn the broom. It worked.

"Try to fly a straight line!" Madam Hooch yelled.

Only then did I realise that my broom was drifting slightly to the left. I tried to readjust it and everything got a bit shaky but then I managed to do as she had said. The broom was flying steadily and I had the chance to think. I was really flying on a broom; the others were watching me from the ground. It seemed far away even though I wasn't flying too highly. I was really flying; one of my dreams had come true.

And my father hadn't been a drug dealer who gave his products to his baby daughter, he had been a wizard. I had once lived with a magical family in a great house with a garden. Now that I knew that flying was real, I knew that the rest had been as well.

I had never remembered the time when I had been flying for the first time as well as now. My uncle had been grinning and so had I. I hadn't been scared back then because I had been sure I'd be safe with him.

Someone had felt differently though, my father. "Barty, get down with her immediately," he shouted.

When we had gotten down, he asked angrily: "What do you think you're doing taking her on a broom? It's much too dangerous."

"It's not dangerous, I've been careful," her uncle Barty his expression slightly worried now. "Vivi needs to start practicing early. She needs to become an excellent Quidditch player, don't you think?"

"Barty, you're such an immature brat."

"I think Barty's right," someone else said. A woman with long black hair. "Our daughter needs to start learning everything young. I don't want her to embarrass herself in her first flying lesson."

"You see," the grin had returned on Barty's face. "Your wife agrees with me."

"Miss Lestrange, come back here!"

Madam Hooch's voice pulled me back into the presence. I looked around and realised that I had flown way too far. I turned the broom around and returned. My fear had gone almost completely. Well, at least until I had to go down again. This still posed a bit of a challenge, I wasn't supposed to lean forward too much but too little wasn't enough. I managed it somehow though and ended on my feet.

"Good, Miss Lestrange. This little detour was unnecessary though. You'll get plenty of opportunity to fly in future. Miss Turpin, you're next."

I avoided looking at any one of them. They wouldn't understand why there were tears on my face.

"I didn't embarrass myself, Mum," I whispered so quietly that no one could hear. I knew I was far from becoming an excellent Quidditch player but I'd practice hard. I was going to make Uncle Barty proud wherever he was now.