Chapter 6: Scarecrow
Really, it was perfect weather for a walk to the library, or so Sasuke justified to himself.
Seattle's sky was rarely anything except overcast this time of year (or most of the year really), but today there were a few patches of blue scattered amongst the gray. The extra rays of sunshine seemed to warm up the air a bit too. Surely there was no reason to waste such nice weather stuck in the four-walled prison known as class...and he hadn't been to the library in so long...years, really…so many reasons to skip school today, see?
Sasuke tried to pretend that the look of disappointment in Naruto's eyes yesterday had nothing to do with his decision to cut, but he wasn't even fooling himself.
Sighing, he put the memory away for now. Today he was going to enjoy something for a change. Maybe the weather. Or a good book. Even both! It had been far too long, really.
The library was not very far from his apartment, and Sasuke found the walk more enjoyable than taking the bus would be. The New Holly branch was small; not surprising, given that the average income level of his neighborhood wouldn't afford most families much time to read for leisure. Nevertheless, it was modern and well kept, like most of Seattle's public libraries.
Sasuke reached the glass doors and paused, peering in. The lady at the front desk was busy helping a young mother with one arm full of books, the other a baby. Perfect. Sasuke was armed with excuses about "school projects" and such, but he'd rather not have to explain his truancy to anyone if possible. Seizing the opportunity, he slipped in inconspicuously and made his way to the fiction section towards the back.
So many choices! Sasuke tried to recall his reading preferences as a child, back when Itachi would take him to the big library near their house every other Sunday. He had read sci-fi, fantasy, all the classics that Itachi thought were accessible enough for a small child (even when they really weren't—Itachi sometimes overestimated his abilities), humorous ones, and even a play or two. Sasuke wondered if he would still like all these things. It had been so many years, and he frankly wasn't at all sure what he liked now. Did reading tastes change? Did his current self even have such a thing as "reading tastes"?
Musing silently, Sasuke skimmed his fingertips over the spines of row after row of books, all the way to the end of the aisle, gaze glossing over this or that title. A series of bright covers caught his eye near the end, and suddenly Sasuke was startled to find himself in the Adult section. Not the "Adult Fiction" section, but the adult "Adult" section. Peeking around furtively to make sure he was alone, Sasuke edged one of the orange books out and looked at it curiously. The cover looked familiar, but Sasuke couldn't remember where he would have seen such a thing before. He opened it to a random page and began reading:
"—God, it's too good! Oooh!" she cried, digging her fingernails into the broad, black-clad shoulders of the ninja.
"Still think you can 'handle' me all by yourself, Priestess?" the hot breath of her unexpected night visitor ghosted across her ear. "If you don't tell me where the scroll is hidden within the next five seconds, I'll add another finger. Five...four...three..."
"Oh, no, no! You mustn't! I'm sworn to protect the temple with my life, but—dear God—you're driving me—"
"Crazy stuff, mmm?" a throaty voice spoke into Sasuke's ear.
Sasuke squeaked and jumped, dropping the book as though burned. He spun around, finding himself trapped between the bookshelf behind him and the large body of Kakashi before him. His heart thumped audibly in his chest.
"How—how the hell do you do that?" He hissed under his breath, not wanting to draw the librarian's attention.
"Do what?" Kakashi breathed, one eyebrow raised.
"Appear! Out of nowhere!"
"Sasuke, it's hardly my fault that you're so exceptionally unobservant," whispered Kakashi, though he offered a teasing half-smile in appeasement. "Moreover, I have a better question for you: what exactly is a young, upstanding citizen like yourself doing skipping school to browse bad porn?"
Sasuke's cheeks lit up like pink Christmas lights on fire. "None of your business. And what makes you think it was porn?"
"You mean aside from all the blushing and breathing giving you away?" Sasuke inwardly cursed himself for blushing harder still at this. "Why, the Icha Icha series happens to be my all-time favorite reading material," Kakashi proclaimed, pulling a familiar book out from some mysterious hiding space beneath his jacket.
Sasuke stared at Kakashi in disbelief. "In public? At the park? At the movies?"
"Everywhere," Kakashi responded, nodding solemnly.
"Fucking perv," Sasuke rolled his eyes and grabbed a random sci-fi novel off a nearby shelf, preparing to make a beeline for the check-out counter, curious librarians be damned.
Kakashi chuckled, following. "Hey, not even I am perfect. I may be a pervert, but you seem to like me well enough." Sasuke could tell the man was grinning stupidly at his back without having to look.
Sure, it was a dumb, arrogant thing to say, but it gave Sasuke pause while waiting in the check-out line. Was it true? Yes. Not even Sasuke was that out-of-touch with himself. At some point in time he had gone from "not minding" to "actively liking" Kakashi, but why? Because Kakashi was laid back, easygoing...he didn't require normal standards of communication from Sasuke like others did? He was a total weirdo, but so was Sasuke, so perhaps he felt a little more at ease around Kakashi than he did around others. More like himself. And that was worth something, right?
Sasuke was so lost in his musings that he barely noticed the librarian's dubious expression. She checked him out quickly.
Outside, Kakashi was already waiting for him.
"You know, it'd probably be hard for someone who works with books all day to scold a kid who skips school to go to the library of all places," he said pointedly. Sasuke blinked. Kakashi laughed.
"You're a good kid, Sasuke. You just don't know it yourself. Or maybe you do, but don't know you do...?" he trailed off wistfully.
"I'm...not sure if that makes any sense," Sasuke replied, brow furrowed.
"Me neither," Kakashi agreed, smiling.
Sasuke offered a small smile in return, feeling a bit emboldened by his recent realizations. "Hey, uh...are you doing anything today? Or do you like, have a job or something?"
Kakashi laughed. "My job is to hang out with my usually-gloomy-but-mysteriously-better-today friend Sasuke, of course."
"Of course," Sasuke agreed, snorting derisively. "Or so says my usually-lazing-about-reading-and-thus-probably-une mployed friend Kakashi."
"Ouch! You've got teeth today." Kakashi wagged his eyebrows at Sasuke, who ignored them.
"So, if you're not doing anything...why not come over? If you want to, I mean," Sasuke amended quickly, cheeks faintly pink.
Kakashi stroked his chin, pretending to think about it. "Hmm. You're not trying to lure me to a secluded place to take advantage of me now, are you?"
Sasuke spluttered and choked. "Which one of us is the creepy adult hanging around with a minor again?!" He spun on his heel and stormed towards home. "You're uninvited!" he shouted back over his shoulder, which only prompted another bout of laughter at his expense.
"Oh come on Sasuke, lighten up a little!" Kakashi chuckled, quickening his pace to catch up. "It's good to endure teasing sometimes. Builds character. And I won't come unless you really want me to, of course. As the adult, it's my sacred responsibility to make sure appropriate boundaries are respected at all times." He winked.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "And what a fabulous job you've done with that so far. Tell me Kakashi, do you ever take yourself seriously?"
"I avoid it at all costs. You take yourself seriously enough for the both of us; I prefer my ass to be stick-free, thank you very much."
Yes. Clearly this man was someone he liked. How else could Sasuke allow him to get away with shit like that?
Sasuke smiled privately and lead the way home.
Given that they were in no particular hurry (it was only shortly after noon, leaving Sasuke plenty of time to kick Kakashi out of the apartment before Itachi returned from work), they decided to take the "scenic route." It was a longer walk, but it wandered past less highways and more fields and empty lots, some of which Sasuke secretly thought could be quite pretty. The various kinds of grasses and little flowers that grew in them didn't know empty lots were supposed to be boring, after all.
The "scenic route" unfortunately also went past the garden Sasuke hated, New Holly 29. But last time hadn't been so bad (sort of a good memory, actually), and Kakashi was with him again, so Sasuke didn't think he'd mind passing by so much today. And he didn't, it was there and gone along their little path before Sasuke could be bothered at all.
And the weather was still holding up nicely. Sasuke smiled at the brave blue patches, holding their own against that sea of gray like little islands in an ocean. He turned his smile to Kakashi, who offered him one in return. Smiling was nice. The weather was nice. Kakashi was nice (sort of). Maybe this was peace?
Black flitted across Sasuke's happy field of vision, darting along the periphery. He turned his head. A crow passed overhead like a silent shadow, Sasuke's eyes glued to its path. It circled ominously once, twice—hovered over New Holly 29 in the distance behind them, before landing on the garden's scarecrow.
Sasuke closed his eyes. He put both hands over them, for good measure. There had never been a scarecrow in that garden, just an empty post. Never a scarecrow. Scarecrows don't exist, scarecrows are not real, there are no crows to keep away, but Sasuke, it's December...Sasuke, you stupid child, such a pretender, I'm only pretending...such lies, his mind, his eyes, his I...
Sasuke stopped walking and sat down hard on what felt like the edge of the path without a word. He hugged his knees and kept his eyes shut tight. He knew what he would see when he opened them. He was too tired to look, too tired to die again. Tired of it all. Tired of himself.
"Sasuke."
A voice broke through just then, one Sasuke had nearly forgotten about.
"Sasuke," Kakashi repeated gently. "Is there something wrong with your eyes?"
"Yes. No," Sasuke answered, not completely understanding his own response. He tried again: "There is something wrong...with me," he finished, quietly confessing the most terrible truth about himself aloud.
Kakashi hummed once, softly, in acknowledgement, but said no more. Sasuke heard the grass next to him rustle and imagined Kakashi's tall frame sitting down beside him. The wind stirred the cool air at his cheek. Sasuke eased some of the pressure of his palms against his aching eyes. He spoke again, not knowing why he was telling Kakashi this, why he should ever tell anyone this.
"When I open my eyes, I sometimes see things that aren't really there."
Sasuke waited, frozen in time. Waited for the bomb to drop, for his words to hit home. Waited for Kakashi's mismatched eyes to widen in sudden understanding, for him to get up and leave, embarrassed and awkward. For who in their right mind would stay with him, after an admission like that? Sasuke himself was not in his right mind. He was completely unfit for normalcy, for relationships. No one wanted crazy. He was simply unwantable.
"And?"
Then Sasuke heard the last sound he ever expected to hear just then: Kakashi's derisive snorting. Sasuke lowered his hands and cracked his eyes open to stare at Kakashi's face in disbelief.
"Big deal," Kakashi said, his black eye and blue eye both focused on Sasuke. "So you have problems. Well, I've got news for you, kiddo: the whole world has problems. I don't think yours make you the special snowflake you seem to think you are."
Stunned, Sasuke simply looked at Kakashi. Kakashi looked back for a long moment before continuing on a little more kindly.
"Now, I don't mean to minimize your suffering. It can't be pleasant, to feel like you're living in a different reality from those around you. But tell me Sasuke, is it really all that strange? We all live in different worlds from each other when you think about it. No two people can experience life around them in exactly the same way. People wage war against, steal from, hate, and lie to each other because they can't understand each other's experiences. It's rather foolish to imagine that everybody else out there is in agreement about some objective 'reality' except yourself. That's sort of a self-centered fantasy, don't you think? True, your universe is in your mind, and your mind may be your universe, but it is not the universe, Sasuke."
Sasuke was at a loss for words. He felt strangely light; he clutched handfuls of grass on either side of his body as if to prevent himself from floating away along with his thoughts, on the chill wind, up past the gray-cloud sea, up past the blue-patch islands, away through the sky, up, towards the sun...
Sasuke came back to himself slowly. Blinking, he turned to face Kakashi again, who merely looked back at him, accepting, expecting nothing in particular of him. Sasuke stood and absently brushed the dirt off the back of his jeans. He turned to offer his hand to Kakashi but found the man already on his feet, a small smile on his lips, (for him?). They resumed their path in silence, side by side again. A new kind of curiosity burned within Sasuke. Or maybe it wasn't new at all. Perhaps it had been there inside him all along, forgotten and dormant for years. He wanted to ask a question. He wanted to know what kind of reality Kakashi saw. For the first time in so long, he wanted to know—neither because he feared that what Kakashi saw would be different from what he saw, nor because he expected their perceptions to be the same. He simply wanted to understand that much more about Kakashi's world. So Sasuke asked his question.
"Back in the garden, did you see a scarecrow?"
Kakashi smiled his enigmatic smile. "Does it matter?"
Sasuke had to think about that. "I guess maybe not," Sasuke answered truthfully, after a long pause. "Maybe not so much after all." He turned his face into the warmth of the sun and watched the clouds as they walked. The wind tickled his cheek. Fall insects hummed in his ears. Sasuke just breathed. His heart kept on beating. And if Kakashi's hand hadn't been buried deep in his pocket, Sasuke thought he might have wondered what it would feel like to hold it in his own.