Capitolo 2
Mia colpa, tua insonnia, nostro anelito
Ten years ago, Gokudera had suddenly found himself in "the future". It was a dark, horrible and painful future to look at. One where the Tenth had died and he hadn't been able to protect him. A future where they had to be on constant edge, fearful of being attacked by unknown enemies. A future engulfed in a war that they were losing.
He and the Tenth had spent merely a few hours in that strange and terrifying world when they encountered Yamamoto Takeshi. But not the same Yamamoto that had barely made it alive out of the Battle for the Rings with a gleaming grin on his face, and still undoubtedly convinced that this was all a mafia game. No. This tall man with rough hands and battle scars on his face made the same silly jokes his past-self did, but with no joy in his eyes and a sad, a forced smile on his face. Gokudera couldn't bear to look at him.
Later that night, while the Tenth cried himself to sleep after hearing the horrible truth of what the future had become, Gokudera couldn't even bring himself to close his eyes. Every time he did, the haunted look on Yamamoto's face when Reborn told them about his father's death popped up in his mind and made him want to cry too.
Eventually, Gokudera gave up on sleeping and decided to take a stroll around the base, see if he could find some peace of mind and an extra pack of smokes. What he found instead, was Yamamoto Takeshi sitting at the kitchen table, all by himself, fiddling with an open can of beer. The Storm Guardian tried to run away unnoticed, but it was too late.
"Oh, if it isn't Haya- sorry, it's Gokudera now, right?"
The silver-haired boy looked down and walked towards the older man.
"Sorry, I just… I couldn't sleep."
Yamamoto smiled at him and ruffled his hair gently. "Don't worry, I know it's a lot to take in."
"I-I'm sorry… about your old man. I shouldn't have hit you earlier." Gokudera blurted out suddenly, his hands clenched in fists.
"It's not your fault. It must be hard for you to get involved in this cruel war all of a sudden." The Rain Guardian took a last drag out of the beer and threw the can away carelessly. "Besides, there's no way I could get mad at Ha-… Gokudera." He chuckled "Old habits die hard, eh?"
Gokudera didn't want to see this anymore. He didn't want to look at this Yamamoto whose eyes were shadowed with grief and whose smile was a forced habit, nothing like the natural, innocent and bright smile he wore in the past. Gokudera hated being the one getting comforted, he hated that Yamamoto had to act mature and be nice to him, and pretend to be strong when he was clearly in so much pain.
"I know I shouldn't give this to a kid, but maybe this'll make you feel better?" he offered a pack of cigarettes to him, exactly the same brand he smoked. Gokudera took it with shaky hands and lit a smoke at record speed. He really needed one of those now.
"You… you smoke now?"
Yamamoto chuckled again and shook his head. "Hayato gets really pissed when he runs out of them in the middle of missions. I always carry some around, just in case. Though with so little manpower, we hardly go on missions together these days. I… actually I…haven't seen him in two weeks… Damn." His voice seemed to shake a little at the end, and he stood up to grab another beer from the fridge, which he downed in one large gulp.
Gokudera bit his lip as he watched the older man throw the can away and open a third one. His calloused hands were shaking by then.
"I-I'm sorry Gokudera. I'm pathetic, right? I'm supposed to be stronger… it's not fair that I'm acting like t-this, when you guys are so scared. I-I…"
Gokudera stood from the table and cut the Rain Guardian off grabbing his shoulder and forcing him to look at him.
"Damn you, idiot! You haven't changed at all in the last ten years! You still strain yourself beyond your capabilities, I've always hated that about you. Why… why do you have to play strong when everything's so fucked up?! You… you lost your father! You're not supposed to be strong, damn it!" He started getting frustrated and felt the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. "Why? Why does it have to be you?" he mumbled, no longer looking at Yamamoto. "You… you were supposed to… stay a stupid baseball idiot forever and help your dad with the sushi restaurant. You of all people… you of all people shouldn't be… part of this shit"
Yamamoto hugged him. "Thank you... for worrying about me" he stroked his cheek, his hands rough with the use of the sword, and leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. "Let's keep that a secret from the past me, yes? He'd get horribly jealous. And I know that because I'd be too" he winked.
The silver-haired boy was at a loss for words. He and Yamamoto had just stared dating a few weeks ago, he had never even stopped to wonder if their relationship had lasted all the way to this dark future.
"I'm not supposed to tell you about how things are in this era –well, not beyond the strictly necessary- but if I didn't have Hayato by my side… if he hadn't been there with me, when Dad was… I-I don't know what would have become of me." his eyes turned gentle and a sad smile drew itself on his lips. "You know? Even if everything looks so dark and hopeless now, I don't think I'll ever regret choosing this life. Back then I only thought that I wanted to follow Hayato, in the mafia game or anything else, but now, I'd rather be here fighting with everyone than sit around hoping that things would somehow fix themselves. I could never live with myself if something happened to someone I love while I live an easy life."
Gokudera understood exactly what those words, accompanied by the soft way in which the future Yamamoto looked at him, meant. It was his fault. It had all been his fault. Yamamoto's gloomy, haunted look was his fault. He had brought Yamamoto here. He was the cause of Yamamoto's misery, his grief. He, and him alone, was to blame for making Yamamoto's smile disappear. Yamamoto would never say so himself, he was probably unaware of it, but it was Gokudera and his selfishness that forced Yamamoto down this path of blood and pain.
And the moment that realization hit him, he woke up.
It happened every now and then, that nightmare. The first time, six years ago, Gokudera woke up with tears running down his cheeks, and the next he knew, he was breaking up with Yamamoto for good. He had decided to take matters into his own hands, and that meant stopping that future from happening. He was determined. Even if it was painful, even if it broke his heart, even if he spent the rest of his life in loneliness, Gokudera would never allow Yamamoto to continue down the same path as him.
Yamamoto was a creature of light. He was meant to run under the sun and smile so brightly it made everyone else blind. Gokudera loved that smile. It felt like a shower of sunlight, even in the darkest hour. He would not –could not- let that smile be consumed by darkness.
He knew it was a selfish decision; one that had been taken with his heart, rather than his head, and would trouble the Tenth, no doubt. He never explained it to Yamamoto either. It would've been pointless, anyway. That baseball idiot would've just laughed it off and said that he would stay by his side, regardless of anything; and so, he also had to make sure to hurt Yamamoto to push him away. The sound of his sobbing lover in the distance haunted him. But he didn't regret his decision once. Yamamoto would get over it. He was young, he loved being alive, and could now have a peaceful, bright future without Gokudera interfering. In spite of his perennial loneliness, and the knowledge that he would never feel so happy and fulfilled as he was back when he could just lie in the grass with Yamamoto and hear him tell silly tales about the stars above them, he was still certain that he had made the right decision. And whenever he felt most miserable he had that nightmare again, remembering what could have been, and that alone reassured him that his choice had been the best.
The moment Shamal mentioned that Yamamoto was not only married but was also a father now, a smile of relief drew itself on his lips. "I'm so glad." He whispered. He'd been right all along. Yamamoto had been able to move on and was now leading a happy, normal life.
He must be smiling now.
The thought of that beautiful, bright smile brought comfort to Gokudera's soul. At the same time, thinking how that smile belonged to someone else broke his heart.
"Well, that's the last one" Yamamoto sighed cheerfully, dropping the last box in his old room.
It'd been two weeks since he signed the divorce papers. It had all gone so fast, Yamamoto sometimes wondered if he hadn't dreamed it. One day Sayuri-chan was leaving their house with all her belongings, the next one, they were meeting with lawyers, getting the divorce papers signed, and voilà, he became a single father with a mere flick of the fingers. Sayuri-chan said she wanted to make a clean break, start over and just forget whatever their pretend marriage was had ever happened, and so she granted him full custody of their daughter so easily it seemed surreal.
That house was too big and too lonely for just the two of them, and Yamamoto would need his father's help with the baby, just as much as his father needed him to help in the restaurant, so the obvious choice was moving back to his old home. Tsuyoshi had scolded him at first.
"In the end, you only managed to hurt that poor girl."
"I know. I'm the worst, huh? Sayuri-chan was always really nice to me, she deserved so much better."
He'd probably known from the start, that no matter how hard he tried, he would never stop loving Gokudera, and that he could never fall in love with anyone else. He surely knew it; he just didn't want to admit it because he knew Gokudera wasn't coming back. The painful reality of it and how he would never feel complete again had been too much to bear, and he'd just tried to fill that emptiness with whatever was available. Sayuri-chan had been the true victim of that.
"But hey, I made you a grandpa, aren't you at least happy about that?" he joked, watching as his father made funny faces at Fuuko. At least her, he could love truly, no pretenses. She made his empty heart feel warmer and less lonely.
"Yeah, and that's the only reason I'm letting you come back, stupid son."
He didn't quite feel like unpacking yet, but he knew if he delayed it any longer, he'd never get to it. He unpacked Fuuko's stuff first: clothes, toys, picture books, diapers, her tiny futon, milk bottles… being a father was a lot harder than Yamamoto ever expected it to be. Now that the mom had left them, he also needed special formulas to replace breast milk. The pediatrician had looked at him with pity when he tried to explain the situation for the first time, completely clueless as to how to go about raising a child on his own.
He knew it wasn't impossible. His own father had practically done the same with him, and he'd always considered himself a blessed and happy boy, which is why his immediate thought had been to ask his old man for help.
Tsuyoshi had never approved of his relationship with Sayuri-chan. Takeshi supposed it was some sort of father instinct; he just seemed to know from the beginning that it wasn't going to work. When he thought about that, and how his dad would always seem able of seeing right through him, he got scared. What would he do if he was unable to understand his daughter like that? It was a scary thought.
Once Fuuko's clothes were in order, he continued to unpack the few remaining boxes. It was kind of depressing to realize that all of his life could be kept in two large boxes, and half of it was just mementos from the past. His room itself seemed like it was stuck in time; with the walls covered in baseball posters, and pictures of his high school days all over the desk. His old futon was still rolled-up in the closet, and it felt kind of wrong having his daughter sleep in this room that had witnessed so many of his teenager-self's naughts. He smiled thinking of how many times he had rolled around in that futon, half-naked with Gokudera in his arms.
He slapped himself mentally. If he was ever to move on and become a competent father for Fuuko, he really needed to stop dwelling on the past. He had a reason to keep on forward, and he had to take this seriously now.
"Hey, Pops, I'm taking a walk with Fuu-chan, I want to show her the neighbourhood!" he called out, once all the unpacking was done.
Of course, moving on didn't mean he had to throw away that one photo of Gokudera he carried in his wallet, right?
"I think I instructed you not to go on any missions until that leg got better" Shamal grumbled, glaring at him.
"Didn't feel like sitting around doing paperwork all fucking day" he replied nonchalantly, ignoring the pain of the deep burns on his arm, and the fact that his previously wounded leg hadn't taken lightly to him raiding the base of some illegal traders, solo.
"If you keep ignoring my instructions, I won't waste my time treating you anymore."
"Then don't."
The punch wasn't unexpected, but it still added more, dull ache to his already injured body and made a big, purple bruise on his cheek. The doctor left the room seething, without uttering a single word, and leaving him there with his arm's skin burnt and raw, and a possibly fractured leg.
It wasn't enough. The pain. He needed more of it. He felt sick and twisted, but he also knew the only way to ignore the agonizing pain in his heart was to make his body hurt even more. His physical pain also made him forget his guilt. What the fuck was wrong with him? He should be happy, relieved to know that Yamamoto had kept moving down the path of light, like he had wanted him to. Then why did he feel so miserable, so angry? Why did he hate that woman he had never met, who was now walking by his side? And why did he hate Yamamoto for being happy without him? He knew why. He was envious, sore and lonely. Yamamoto was happy now, he had been able to forget him and move on with his life; something that Gokudera had been unable to do. He hated it. He hated him for loving someone else. He hated him for being happy without him.
When he caught himself in that train of thought, he realized how corrupted and rotten he was inside. He had definitely been right in letting Yamamoto go, it would've never done him any good to stick with a sick bastard like himself. He should be happy for Yamamoto, he had done everything Gokudera wanted him to, and yet he was full of this horrible, hateful feelings. And he detested himself for it. Without him realizing it, his thoughts had become a horrible cycle of hate. Hating Yamamoto, hating himself. And the best way to pull himself out of it was the pain. If he could reach a point in which all of his body was in so much pain that his mind went blank and his heart's ache would seem small in comparison, he was sure he'd be alright.
Yamamoto woke up to the wailing of his daughter for the third time that night. He rolled over and reached towards the little girl lying on the small futon next to his, flailing her small chubby arms and crying unhappily.
"Come on, don't cry, love, it's just another nightmare. It's okay, a full night's sleep is overrated anyway" he joked, picking up the crying bundle and rocking her in his arms.
He walked around the room slowly, rocking the baby and humming an old lullaby until her wails became soft sobs. Fuuko had had trouble sleeping all the past week and Yamamoto already had dark circles under his eyes. Before Sayuri-chan left, she didn't have trouble sleeping all through the night, but lately, that hadn't been the case.
"You really miss your Mommy, don't you? It's okay, I understand. I miss someone too. But we've got to be strong now, okay? We've got each other, we'll figure it out."
He held the child close against his chest, and the beating of his heart seemed to soothe her back to sleep. Yamamoto kissed his daughter softly on the top of her head and sat down next to the window, still holding her in his arms.
"We'll be alright"
He pulled a blanket on top of them and slowly fell asleep with the warmth of the baby's body against his and the pitter patter of the rain on the window.
The first thing he heard when waking up was the banging of a door slammed open and the loud, angry yell of the Tenth coming in.
"Gokudera-kun, that's enough!"
It was the fifth time in the last month that the Storm Guardian woke up in the medical wing of the Vongola Headquarters. Up to recently, he had been able to walk himself all the way back, but lately, he just blacked out in the middle of an explosion that was too close for comfort, or lost consciousness after three or four bullets flew through his shoulder or… well… most of the time he didn't even remember. This time, he'd collapsed from the pain on his leg, which hadn't really had any time to heal between explosions, bullets, and running around.
"Ah… Forgive me, Tenth, I wasn't careful. I've soiled the reputation of Vongola, I'll accept the…"
This punch he didn't expect it. Everyone seemed to be punching him these days. But it didn't really bother him that much.
"Stop with that nonsense already! I don't know what's gotten into you, but I want it to stop NOW. This has nothing to do with anyone's reputation, I thought we settled that years ago. If you keep trying to get yourself killed I might as well get you replaced. Vongola has no use for a Guardian that doesn't care for his own life, and I certainly don't want my best friend putting himself in danger so stupidly all the time."
Gokudera didn't remember the last time he saw the Tenth so furious. One of the things he admired about his boss was his ability to take things calmly and respond accordingly. He was just so gentle at heart. But worrying about him was also part of his gentleness.
"I'm sorry, Tenth. It won't happen again."
"Of course it won't! You're staying off the field until I say so."
The Storm Guardian had to smile at seeing how the Tenth had turned into such a magnificent boss. It had been hard at first; the boss didn't like ordering people around and the responsibilities were too great for a young boy like him, but with the passing of the years he had come to get the hang of it and found a way to reconcile the harsh and strict nature of his position with his own kind and caring ideals.
After the Tenth left the room, the Smoking Bomb lied down on the bed, wondering if it would be weird to request for a lower dose of morphine.
Tsunayoshi pulled out his cellphone and called number 3 on his speed-dial
'This is Cavallone, what can I do for you?'
"Dino-san, I need to ask for a favor. Next time Gokudera-kun attempts to destroy himself, we're doing that. We'll think about the consequences later."
'Anything for my little brother. I'm sure you'll figure out the best solution in the long run.'
"I hope so." The Tenth Vongola boss mumbled as he hung up.
"You have to let me go!"
"No means no, Gokudera-kun. It's been less than 10 days since you were discharged, and your leg isn't fully recovered yet. If you keep straining yourself like this, you might get injured for good."
"But this mission is important! We've been gathering intel on those bastards for half a year and we can finally catch them red-handed; I must go."
"And I said you're not. Your subordinates will sort it out; they're capable enough, even without you there. And I'll have Mukuro on standby just in case. Or are you trying to imply that I don't have a correct assessment of my people's abilities?"
Gokudera staggered. "N-no, not at all! I would never even think such a thing. I apologize for offending you, I'll take my leave now."
Tsuna sighed as Gokudera left the office. Why did people still think they could fool him? He called Dino once again, all that anger making him exhausted.
"Hey, Dino-san? About that thing with Gokudera-kun… I've changed my mind, can you give me the addresss? I want go personally and… Yes…No, but he will, and I'm sick of this. Better stop this nonsense now before it escalates any further… Oh really? Well, that makes everything a little easier… Yeah, thanks."
As Sawada Tsunayoshi left the office, he wondered if everything wouldn't have been easier if he had turned down the position of Vongola leader, as he had originally intended to. He could have a normal life with his friends instead of figuring out complicated ways to protect them and worrying constantly over their inevitably dangerous lifestyle.
It was too late to think of that, he knew, and he would help no one by feeling guilty about his decisions in the past. He'd just have to work around with what he had now and keep moving forward like he'd always done.
To be continued
I honestly turned into a pile of goo while writing that scene of Daddy!Yama. I thought I'd die of cuteness overload just thinking of it. It wasn't part of the original plan, but someone mentioned something about it in the reviews and I had to facepalm. Well duh! If there's a cute baby daughter, how could I not exploit cute Daddy!Yama being cute. I think I'll add a couple more next chapter before the inevitable happens.
I don't know if I went overboard with the drama. I've always believed that things always look the worst when they're about to take a turn for the best. So of course I didn't quite enjoy writing suicidal!Gokudera, but I really wanted to make him drown in despair without him even realizing he was doing it. I'm also pretty certain that the relationship I portray here is not healthy at all. Their level of mutual co-dependence is seriously not okay. But I have a thing for intense, passionate feelings; both of love and desire, and of despair and yearning, and that's what I was going for here.
Another thing I've always thought is that a writer that needs to explain themselves in the notes is a lousy writer, but I suppose I am one, since I'm not sure if the one thing that I wanted people to notice was evident: that Gokudera had been on the road of self-destruction since the breakup –as opposed to what the battles for the Rings and the fights in the Future taught him to do, to care and protect his life- and things just took a turn for the worst when he learned of Yamamoto's marriage and couldn't deal with his own dilemma of wanting him to be happy and being overwhelmingly jealous at the same time.
I hope people don't give Dera such a hard time. Like I said previously, the theme I'm going for is intense, passionate love, and I've always thought Gokudera's love for Yamamoto is painful for him because he feels responsible for getting Yamamoto involved with the mafia. He loves Yamamoto so much he wants to stay with him forever, but at the same time, he wants Yamamoto to be happy and safe. He thinks he can't have both and he decides to sacrifice his own happiness for Yamamoto's, truly believing that Yamamoto will find real happiness without him. Yeah, I've just explained the premise of the story because I fail as a writer and I've made everyone hate suicidal!Gokudera.
Next chapter will have more of Yamamoto's side and his feelings, and will most likely be the last. Sorry for the extra long notes, they're my specialty.
Also, I had to reread the first chapters of the future arc because I didn't remember how they met TYLYama or how they heard about Tsuyoshi's death. And I sort of enjoyed writing Tsuna as the boss, being more mature and thinking of both his friends and his duty to Vongola and the ideals he wants to achieve as the boss.
Lastly: Chapter title means "My guilt, your insomnia, our yearning". Sorry, really sorry Italian people out there, for bastardizing your language for my ridiculous purposes. Also, I changed the title last minute, so if anyone saw the previous title, I apologize. I always write titles the last and sometimes forget what I'm trying to do with them.