Haymitch tells me that in the beginning, Peeta is only supposed to be home during the day, and sleep at the hospital. I think he's sedated on many nights, to keep the nightmares at bay.
I have nightmares, too, but I have to get through them alone, unaided by drugs. I have Haymitch, of course, but he usually passes out from the white liquor at night, so there's not much help to be had from him in the nightmare department. I know he's chasing away his own ghosts with the alcohol. I've been there myself, only my way of escape was morphling. I can't ever go down that road again. With my nerve endings seemingly raw and exposed, without the numbing effect of chemical substances, and without Peeta in my bed at night to help me stay sane, the nightmares are back with a vengeance. I can't remember them being this bad ever.
I'm not told the exact day Peeta will be home for the first time, so it's a surprise when I suddenly see him in the garden across the street as I come home from hunting. He's shoveling snow. He's lost a lot of muscle mass while in the hospital – he used to be so strong, and now I can see that he's struggling. I'm dragging a young deer after me in the snow. I'm exhausted, but proud of my prey.
"Hi."
"Hi." Peeta looks at me cautiously.
"Good to see you." I smile nervously.
"I'm just staying for a few hours. Dr Aurelius thinks it's good for me to… Take it gradually."
There aren't any tracks in the snow by the door. He hasn't been inside yet. "Have you been inside?"
He doesn't meet my eyes, only shakes his head.
"Come on." I walk past him, unlock the door, and go inside.
I have to carefully suppress my own feelings. I haven't been inside the house since it happened, either. It's freezing cold. I know it's been cleaned up, the writing in blood on the wall gone – but other than that, no one has been inside the house except to turn off the water so it won't freeze.
My body is shaking, I don't know if it's from cold and exhaustion, or something else. Think about the happy memories, Katniss. The happy memories outnumber the bad ones by far. To hide my helplessness, I start making a fire in the fireplace. It takes a while, because everything is so freezing cold, but finally I have a fire going. I huddle in front of the fire, warming my freezing fingers. Peeta stays a few meters away from me, looking lost. "It will be spring soon," I say. I can't wait for this winter to be over.
"Yeah." Peeta sits down next to me by the fire, hesitantly, as if he expects me to yell at him or attack him at any second. "It will take ages to heat up everything. It's freezing cold in here."
I realize he's not talking about just the house. "Yes. But spring is coming."
Peeta doesn't answer.